From the Monologue
You know, we live in a great
country. If we lived in Afghanistan, this award would have been
destroyed by now. (We had no idea what was to come!)
When they asked me back in January if
I would host the Oscar's, my first thought was 'Would there be enough
time for my facelift to heal?'
All over the world there are 800
Million people watching us right now - and everyone is thinking the
exact same thought - That we are all gay.
And that's what is so wonderful about
this business. You have Christians, Muslims, Jews, Asians ...
all working for the same thing - Publicity.
Ellen Burstyn did something that not
many actresses would do for a movie. She made her self look
thirty pounds heavier for a movie. And Russell Crowe still hit
on her.
Kate Hudson (nominated for Almost
Famous) - 21 years old. I love seeing younger stars as it
reminds me of my own death.
Look how beautiful Julia Roberts
looks. Julia - I miss our phone calls. It seems like ever
since you got caller ID you are never home.
Let's see, how are we doing on
time? (Looks at watch) Oh, we got five hours.
And there is Charlton Heston.
Be careful what you say to him, because he thinks he was in
Gladiator.
If Tom (Hanks) wins tonight, that
means between Tom and myself, we will have three Academy Awards.
At first I didn't know that was a
movie (Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon). I thought it was
something that Sigfried and Roy do on their vacation.
Ticket prices went up to $12 in New
York, and I understand why - Julia.
Something I realized .. is that
hosting the Oscar's is like making love to a beautiful woman.
It's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal is out of town.
Tonight we give a special Oscar to
Dino de Laurentis ... or as Anna Nicole Smith would call him
"Fresh Meat".
By the way, be sure to stay tuned to
the whole show, because at the end of the night - we're going to vote
someone out of show business.
Other moments:
