Funny Quotes from Harry Potter Books 1-5
“Scars can come in handy. I have one myself above my left knee that is a perfect map of the London Underground.”
-Albus Dumbledore
“Yer' great puddin' of a son don' need fattenin' no more, Dursley, don' worry.”
-Hagrid
"Oh, are you a prefect Percy? You should have said something we had no idea."
"Hang on I think I remember him saying something about it, Once..."
"Or twice-"
"A minute-"
"All summer-"
-Fred and George Weasley
“I can teach you how to bottle fame, brew glory, and even stopper death--if you aren't as big a bunch of dunderheads as I usually have to teach.”
-Snape
“I hope you're pleased with yourselves. We could have been killed--or worse, expelled. Now if you don’t mind I’m going to go to bed.”
-Hermione Granger
“Oy, Pea Brain!”
–11 year old Ronald Weasley to a fully grown mountain troll
"Don't worry, the Weasleys are more than a match for the Bludgers - I mean, they're like a pair of man Bludgers themselves."
-Oliver Wood
“Longbottom, if brains were gold then you'd be poorer than Weasley, and that's saying something.”
-Draco Malfoy
“What happened between you and Quirrel down through the trapdoor is a complete secret, so naturally, the whole school knows.”
-Dumbledore
“I believe Misters Fred and George Weasley were responsible for trying to send you a toilet seat. No doubt they thought it would amuse you. Madam Pomfrey, however, thought it might not be very hygienic, and confiscated it.”
-Dumbledore
“We had to write about our hero at school Mr. Mason, and I wrote about you.”
-Dudley
“What – the – devil – are – you – doing? …You’ve just ruined the punch line of my Japanese-golfer joke!”
-Vernon Dursley
“Whatever you’ve heard about my greatness is a load of rubbish.”
-Harry
"They wouldn't mind, Dudley would think it was a brilliant joke if I got lost up a chimney."
-Harry
"So, the school train isn't good enough for the famous Harry Potter and his sidekick Weasley. Wanted to arrive with a bang, did we, boys?"
-Snape
"Half an inch of skin and sinew holding my neck on, Harry! Most people would think that's good and beheaded, but oh no, it's not enough for Sir Properly Decapitated-Podmore"
-Sir Nicolas
"But when I was twelve, I was just as much of a nobody as you are now. In fact, I'd say I was even more of a nobody! I mean, a few people have heard of you, haven't they? All that business with He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named! I know, I know, its not quite as good as winning Witch Weekly's Most-Charming-Smile Award five times in a row, as I have -- but it's a start, Harry, it's a start."
-Gilderoy Lockhart
"Signed photos? You're giving out signed photos, Potter?"
-Draco
“Weasley would like a signed photo, Potter. It'd be worth more than his family's whole house.”
-Draco
"You could have fried an egg on your face. You'd better hope Creevey doesn't meet Ginny, or they'll start a Harry Potter fan club."
-Ron
"D'you want to tell me what's wrong with stopping a massive snake biting off Justin's head? What does it matter how I did it as long as Justin doesn't have to join the Headless Hunt?"
-Harry
“Make way for the Heir of Slytherin, seriously evil wizard coming through...”
-Fred and George
“Do you think we've got nothing better to do in Potions than listen to Snape?”
-Ron
“Lockhart'll sign anything if it stands still long enough.”
-Ron
"You don't know how bizarre it is to see Goyle thinking."
-Ron
“Azkaban, the wizard prison, Goyle. Honestly, if you were any slower, you’d be going backward…”
-Draco
"You know what Harry? If he doesn't stop trying to save your life, he's going to kill you."
-Ron
“His eyes are as green as a fresh pickled toad,
His hair is as dark as a blackboard.
I wish he was mine, he’s really divine,
The hero who conquered the Dark Lord.”
-Ginny Weasley’s valentine for Harry
"It's not funny. If you must know, when I was three, Fred turned my-my teddy bear into a great big filthy spider because I broke his toy broomstick…You wouldn't like them either if you were holding your bear and suddenly it had too many legs and. . ."
-Ron
"That'd be a cheerful visit. Hello, Hagrid. Tell us, have you been setting anything mad and hairy loose in the castle lately?"
-Ron
"Am I a professor? Goodness. I expect I was hopeless, was I?"
-Lockhart
"Amazing! Amazing! This is just like magic!"
-Lockhart
“I seem to remember telling you both that I would have to expel you if you broke any more school rules. Which goes to show that the best of us must sometimes eat our words.”
-Dumbledore
“Talk about summat else, Stan, there's a good lad. Them Azkaban guards give me the collywobbles.”
-Ernie Prang
"What about those biting books, eh? The assistant almost cried when we said we wanted two!"
-Ron
“Harry! …Simply splendid to see you, old boy-”
“Marvelous… absolutely spiffing…”
-Fred and George
“Mum! How really corking to see you…”
-Fred and George
“A study of Hogwarts prefects and their later careers. That sounds fascinating.”
-Ron
"What do we want to be prefects for? It'd take all the fun out of life."
-Fred and George
“We tried to shut him in a pyramid, but Mum spotted us.”
-Fred and George
“I’M NOT DELICATE!”
-Harry
“Ah, of course. There is no need to tell me any more Miss Granger. Which one of you will be dying this year?”
-McGonagall
"You look in excellent health to me, Potter, so you will excuse me if I don't let you off homework today. I assure you that if you die, you need not hand it in."
-McGonagall
"If all goes well, Professor Boggart Snape will be forced into that vulture-topped hat, green dress, and big red handbag.”
-Lupin
"Oh, tremendously funny! Really witty, giving us books that try and rip our hands off!"
-Draco
“Can I have a look at Uranus too, Lavender?”
-Ron
“I don't need help, its obvious what this means: there's going to be loads of fog tonight.”
-Ron
“They make a fuss about Hogsmeade, but I assure you, Harry, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. All right, the sweetshop’s rather good, and Zonko’s Joke Shop’s frankly dangerous, and yes, the Shrieking Shack is always worth a visit, but really , Harry, apart from that, you’re not missing anything.”
-Percy Weasley
“The dementors send their love, Potter!”
-Draco
“Well, I can certainly see why we're trying to keep them alive. Who wouldn't want pets that can burn, sting, and suck blood all at once?”
-Draco
“Bad news, Harry. I've just been to see Professor McGonagall about the Firebolt. She – er – got a bit shitty with me. Told me I'd got my priorities wrong. Seemed to think I cared more about winning the Cup than I do about you staying alive. Just because I told her I didn't care if it threw you off, as long as you caught the Snitch first.”
-Wood
"And Potter -- do try and win, won't you? Or we'll be out of the running for the eighth year in a row, as Professor Snape was kind enough to remind me only last night..."
-Prof. McGonagall
“Pity you can't attach an extra arm to yours, Malfoy. Then it could catch the Snitch for you.”
-Harry
"Harry, this is no time to be a gentleman! Knock her off her broom if you have to!"
-Wood
“Mr. Moony presents his compliments to Professor Snape, and begs him to keep his abnormally large nose out of other people's business.”
“Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Moony, and would like to add that Professor Snape is an ugly git.”
“Mr. Padfoot would like to register his astonishment that an idiot like that every became a professor.”
“Mr. Wormtail bids Professor Snape good day, and encourages him to wash his hair, that slimeball.”
-The Marauders’ Map …Remus Lupin, Peter Pettigrew, Sirius Black, and James Potter
"Take this thing for a walk? And where exactly are we supposed to fix the leash? Around the sting, the blasting end or the sucker?"
-Draco
"P-P-Professor McGonagall! Sh-she said I'd failed everything!"
-Hermione
"We attacked a teacher... we attacked a teacher... Oh we're going to be in so much trouble!"
-Hermione
"I let you sleep in my bed!"
-Ron
“If you made a better rat than a human, that's not much to boast about, Peter.”
-Sirius
"Are you mad? Of course I want to leave the Dursleys! Have you got a house? When can I move in?"
-Harry
"I know how to use a fellytone now-"
-Ron
"Really? Ecklectic, you say? With a plug? Gracious, I must see that..."
-Arthur Weasley
“They run off eckeltricity, do they? ...Ah yes, I can see the plugs. I collect plugs. And batteries. Got a very large collection of batteries. My wife thinks I'm mad but, but there you are."
-Mr. Weasley
“That'll change the world, that report will. Front page of the Daily Prophet, I expect, cauldron leaks.”
-Ron
"I don't reckon he'd come home if Dad didn't make him. Percy's obsessed. Just don't get him onto the subject of his boss. According to Mr. Crouch...as I was saying to Mr. Crouch...Mr. Crouch is of the opinion...Mr. Crouch was telling me... They'll be announcing their engagement any day now."
-Ron
“Ah, shut up, Weatherby…”
-Fred and George
“Wild! I can make that old bloke down there pick his nose again...and again...and again...”
-Ron
"Good Lord, Arthur. What did you have to sell to get seats in the Top Box? Surely your house wouldn't have fetched this much?"
-Lucius Malfoy
“Go naked. And Harry, make sure you get a good picture of him. Goodness knows I could do with a good laugh.”
-Molly Weasley
“Yeah, well, Dad collects plugs, doesn’t he?”
-Fred and George
"Now, Mum. If the Hogwarts Express crashed tomorrow, and George and I died, how would you feel to know that the last thing we ever heard from you was an unfounded accusation?"
-Fred and George
"Ah, think of the possibilities. It would've been so easy to push Malfoy off a glacier and make it look like an accident… Shame his mother likes him…"
-Ron
"You know your mother, Malfoy? That expression she's got, like she's got dung under her nose? Has she always looked like that, or was it just because you were with her?"
-Harry
“I want to fix that in my memory forever... Draco Malfoy, the amazing bouncing ferret...”
-Ron
"I did warn you. I suggest you both go up to Madam Pomfrey. She is already tending to Miss Fawcett, of Ravenclaw, and Mr. Summers, of Hufflepuff, both of whom decided to age themselves up a little, too. Though I must say, neither of their beards is anything like as fine as yours."
-Dumbledore
"Great Scott, he can fly!"
-Ludo Bagman
"And you think we want to walk around wearing badges saying 'spew', do you?"
-Harry
"Just because it's taken you three years to notice, Ron, doesn't mean no one else has spotted that I'm a girl!"
-Hermoine
"Professor Dumbledore said we is free to - to - *whispering* - He said we is free to call him a - a barmy old codger if we likes, sir!"
-Dobby
“Percy wouldn't recognize a joke if it danced naked in front of him wearing Dobby's tea cozy.”
-Ron
“I don't know who Maxime thinks she's kidding. If Hagrid's a half-giant, she definitely is. Big bones...the only thing that's got bigger bones than her is a dinosaur.”
-Harry
"Don’t be prat, Neville. They wouldn't use the Cruciatus Curse on the champions. I thought it sounded a bit like Percy singing...maybe you have to attack him while he's in the shower, Harry."
-Fred and George
“Twitchy little ferret, aren't you, Malfoy?”
-Hermoine
“Of course Dumbledore trusts you. He's a trusting man, isn't he? Believes in second chances. But me--I say there are spots that don't come off, Snape. Spots that never come off, know what I mean?”
-“Mad Eye Moody"
“Viktor? Hasn't he asked you to call him Vicky yet?”
-Ron
“There you go, Harry! You weren't being thick after all--you were just showing moral fiber!”
-Ron
"Yeh'll do wha' yer told... or I'll be takin' a leaf outta Professor Moody's book... I hear yeh make a good ferret, Malfoy.”
-Hagrid
“He sounds exactly like Moody… 'Constant vigilance!' You'd think I walk around with my eyes shut, banging off the walls...."
-Harry
"I told you! I told you not to annoy Rita Skeeter! She's made you out to be some sort of - of scarlet woman!"
-Ron
"Well, I think I had better separate the three of you, so you can keep your minds on your potions rather than your tangled love lives…"
-Snape
"Couldn't remember the goblin rebels' names, so I invented a few myself. It's all right, Mum, they’re all called stuff like Bodrod the Bearded and Urg the Unclean, it wasn't hard."
-Ron
“Yeah? Did he say you look like a pig that’s been taught to walk on its hind legs? ‘Cause that’s not cheek, Dud, that’s true…”
-Harry
“Running to Daddy now, are you? Is his ickle boxing champ afraid of nasty Harry’s wand?”
-Harry
“What do you mean I’m not brave in bed? What, am I supposed to be frightened of pillows or something?”
-Harry
“Don’t put it away, idiot boy! What if there are more of them around? Oh, I’m going to kill Mundungus Fletcher!”
-Arabella Figg
“MUNDUNGUS FLETCHER, I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!”
-Mrs. Figg
“S’up, Figgy?”
-Mundungus Fletcher
"But Dumbledore says he doesn't care what they do as long as they don't take him off the Chocolate Frog Cards."
-Bill Weasley
“I'll look for him later, I expect I'll find him upstairs crying his eyes out over my mother's old bloomers or something...Of course, he might have crawled up into the airing cupboard and died...But I mustn't get my hopes up..."
-Sirius
"My parent's are Muggles, mate. They don't know nothing about no deaths at Hogwarts, because I'm not stupid enough to tell them."
-Dean Thomas
"Kenneth Towler came out in boils, d'you remember?"
"That's 'cause you put Bulbdox powder in his pyjamas"
"Oh yeah. I'd forgotten... hard to keep track sometimes, isn't it?"
-Fred and George
"Oooh, Crackpot's feeling cranky. What is it this time, my fine Potty friend? Hearing voices? Seeing visions? Speaking in *blows a gigantic raspberry* tongues?"
-Peeves
"Yeah, Professor, Quirrel was a great teacher... there was just the minor drawback of him having Lord Voldemort sticking out of the back of his head."
-Harry
“If you shout his name I will curse you into oblivion.”
-Tonks
"Just because you've got the emotional range of a teaspoon doesn't mean we all have."
-Hermione
“Unless you wish to poison Potter – and I assure you I would have the greatest sympathy with you if you did – I cannot help you.”
-Snape
“You’re dead, Potter.”
-Draco
