it's just the beginning.. April 17, 2003
as u can tell i've been under a lot of pressure lately. and its defintely not because of school.. yea the week long headache and less sleep has been eating away at me.. but there's something more important on the line right now..
if u think life is just that easy.. i'll be the first to let u in on something.. its not what u think it could possibly be. now i've obviously been having problems with my relationship of 5 years.. everyone has mixed feelings and are either on this side or that.. i dont know which side u've been brainwashed by.. but there is a lot to read as u can tell.. perhaps the perceptions may change once u understand..
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what u think isn't always the truth. i've been negligent and unfair to myself and to my boyfriend. i don't think its right that i've treated him like trash on occasions when i felt he was "bothering" me.. traditionally a relationship is about building on the love that you found each other on... instead i've left answered his walkie talkie bleeps with "what do u want" or other mean toned variations.. i've always found cell phones a bother.. walkie talkies are just soo much more annoying.. but that shouldn't create the beast that comes out in me when i do happen to pick it up...
to say he's treating me badly is wrong. he's given me the freedom to do what i want, whenever i want. he only calls me to see where i am because he cares about me... and in an event of an emergency he knows where he can find me... loved ones do call each other and let each other know where they are.. instead i disappeared for two days without a phone call.. avoiding things isn't the way to a healthy relationship..
me a caged bird?! you're absolutely wrong.. he's given me a super abundance of freedom.. go when and where i want to.. i now find myself over-abusing that priveledge.... i go out all too much... without my bf.. i drive around wasting gas and i'm not saving the money i should be for that rainy day... he supports & cares for me more than you know.. when my dad has failed on me financially.. my bf has always been there to back me up.. he cares about his family as well.. they've taken good care of him for the 20-some years of his life and is now paying all the bills to express his love and dedication..
if anyone it would be the "destroyer" it would be more me who was trampling the bond that we have. i use the computer too much.. i go out with members of the opposite sex too much.. i guess i should try to make more girls as friends even though i loathe them due to their non-passion of cars and love of driving..
i may seem like i drag more these days... sulk a lil more with the little cloud over my head.. my relationship has been on the roughest side its seen yet. but i know it can weather the storm. deep down inside i do love him.. i seriously think its going to work out..
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wait til the second storm comes in.. i hate being a snitch.. but i have to be honest dont ?. what good is life without honesty? it wouldn't be fair to myself.. it's going to drive me to the brink of insanity.. but never to take my life.. dont u worry about that.. i've found an unlimited amount of reasons to stay upon this world as long as possible.. one is kane.
>^..^< 1:28am
12-17-03 1:51am
what friends do i have outside the little circle my bf defines? i make it a point to move to new places.. left orange county for san fran.. left san francisco for los angeles.. my old best friends have moved on with their boyfriends. i have my sister who means all the world to me.. and i've made a few along the way that i still venture out of my way to visit..
was i too young to be taken in at 17?.. i'm 22 now.. and i've learned a lot about life and what not to do and not to do.. especially when it comes to family.. family is supposed to care about each other and not talk behind each others backs at every chance.. they don't all have fangs and carry their heads taller than they actually are. i've also learned about community and caring about each other...
