The First Church of Godzilla

Our Mission

I'd like to share a poem I wrote 5/27/0 It's called "Dammit Jim I'm a Carpenter Not a Doctor."
This pic was in a hospital in upstate New York where my boyfriend was operated on,
While the doctors and nurses did their good work, this picture I did gaze upon.

It seemed to speak volumes of trusting in Him Whom the human body He did create,
And trusting in Him when your chances were slim
would then make your chances be great.

My twisted thinking then turned itself on as I looked at this pic for a few,
I wondered if they opened up this guy's chest so that Jesus could give life anew?

"This is the left ventricle of the human heart, and this is the place where I live,
Now put Me in there and sew him back up so his sins I can rightly forgive!"

Or perhaps he was saying "To leave in a sponge, makes your chance of a lawsuit loom large,
So, my son, be a good boy and take my advice, and be nice and don't overcharge."

Or "I was on pot when this one was born and his face was horribly deformed,
So shave some off here and add more tissue there, and wheel him back and call it reformed."

Or maybe He was explaining to the medical staff the difference between arms and legs,
So they wouldn't screw up and cut off the wrong parts and leave him a cripple who begs.





Then my forehead was wrinkled and my eyebrow was crinkled and my underarms started to sweat.
Had I mistakenly trusted my man to some quack who an education he didn't bother to get,

Because he needed a God to correct his mistakes, and a deity to point out his flaws,
Because he was too stupid to realize for himself the difference between buttocks and jaws?

Then I went upstairs to the waiting room and my boyfriend finally came back,
Lucky for him, he looked no worse for wear, having been at the hands of said quack.
I checked out his bandages then raised the sheets... And thankfully, his nuts were intact. :-D

He's up and around and he's eating ok, and from that point we both went on home,
I still wonder about that painting though -- were the artist's lips covered with foam?

People need to think what they are saying before presenting to someone like me,
Because I take great joy in questioning, and then twisting it with glee.
Because what things others accept in faith, make NO FRIGGIN SENSE TO ME!



Hello and welcome to the online First Church of Godzilla! I'll be your host, the Reverend Constance A. Goodnow. And now for a heavenly round of Q&A:

Q: Are you really a reverend or is this another one of your silly pranks?
A: That's a good question, and I'll give it an honest answer. According to the Church of Spiritual Humanism where I got my ordination online, I can legally perform weddings, baptisms, funerals, and other such junk. But really -- who has time for all that bullshit? My ordination would be better put to use trying to whip the rest of the world into shape while indulging in secret vices like collecting Bandais and other Godzilla junk. Is my ordination bogus? Of course it is.



Q:Why would I want to join a church where the pastor had a bogus ordination??
A: Another good question. Six months prior to my ordination, my ex husband got his online doctorate of divinity. And I figure, why let the ratbastard have all the fun? If he can do it, so can anyone. Beware -- the church you attend now might be pastored by a skid row cocaine addict with an online ordination!

Q:Ok, good point. What are your deeply held beliefs?
A: Well that's the beauty of it. Who the hell has time to write out a bunch of bullshit religious beliefs? I want to attract followers, sure -- but only intelligent, thinking ones need apply. On the other hand, scratch the intelligent part -- I need donations!! My time spent telling you to stop whining is valuable too.

Q: "Quit Whining?" It sounds like you have forsaken the Lord's comfort and compassion!
A:Not really. "Quit Whining" is one of our moralistic platitudes designed to brainwash and bitchwhip, er, I mean encourage and fortify, our followers into actually doing something about their problems instead of waiting for the Lord to wipe your butt. Our others include "Keep it Simple Stupid", "Its the Lord's Will so if you don't like it, UP YOURS," etc.

Q: What time are your services?
A: We don't really have services per se. A six pack in front of the TV on Sunday is a fulfillment of the Sunday requirement. I'm a cranky, cantankerous pastor, and I need my privacy. ;)

Q. Where can I make a donation?
A> We thought you'd never ask. We take Paypal donations. Just click the donation button at the bottom of Conster's Museum of Godzilla. Godzilla Bless! -REVERE(my rear)END CONSTER

Ron Moore Ate Starbuck's balls!


What do you do when an upstart writer messes up your favorite childhood show? You don't get mad... you get even.


Here is Starbuck as he was born. As he should be! Before Ron D. Moore stole his balls.



Starbuck really, really likes his manhood. He doesn't want Ron Moore to steal his balls!!



I'm coming to get your balls!!! And I just might be hungry enough to eat Boomers balls too! UURRRP!!!!



NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Bloody hell that hurts!!!


Save Starbuck's Wang -- Sung to the tune of "Dust in the Wind"
By Connie Goodnow (apologies to the band Kansas)

I close my eyes
Only for a moment, then the johnson's gone
Now it seems
Where before I stood now I must squat to pee
Save Starbuck's wang
All of us must save Starbucks' wang...

This is wrong
For a warrior to have to sit to pee
I'm so blue
I can't unzip my pants to let the women see
Save Starbuck's wang
All of us must save Starbucks' wang...

This can't go on
I'm so emasculated now that I could cry
And I must say
That idiot Ron Moore has left me high and dry!
Save Starbuck's wang
All of us must save Starbucks' wang...All of us must save Starbucks' wang...

Save Starbuck's wang
All of us must save Starbucks' wang...All of us must save Starbucks' wang...
His wang......

Ooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh................


You'll never know what it's like...... Baby you'll never know what it's like..... To lose your penis To lose your penis The way I lost mine.... Don't go for Ron Moore rewrites No, don't accept Ron Moore's rewrites You'll lose your penis You'll lose your penis The way I lost mine......


Who among those of us, when we were kids
In the glorious days before VCR's or vids
In the prehistoric ages before DVDs
Wouldn't watch this cool show on our rabbit ear TV's

It's been so many years and now old farts we are
But I still see problems with this new Battlestar...
Though reception's much clearer, without any snow,
Whoever wrote this garbage -- he clearly must go.

Where before they were manly and cool like Charles Bronson,
They effeminized Baltar and whacked Starbuck's johnson!
I know that the guys would much rather lay eyes on a chick
But I liked Starbuck better when he had a d***!

And likewise poor Boomer has met with short shrift
And just like poor Starbuck, undergoes a gender shift
Where before he was our favorite black man pal,
Now he's a robot!!! and he's now a pretty gal.

And what happened to Baltar? He used to kick a$$
But now all he does is cry like a sissy wimp lass
So I really must decry this big bag of suck
Cuz it ain't a hamburger if it walks like a duck!

So I will watch Monday and I think I will cry
But you mess with Apollo, that does it! YOU DIE!
To that scumbag Ron Moore: your writing sucks too
I hope that you die! Merry Christmas! F*** you!



Rest in Peace, Starbuck's wang. You will be sorely missed! :-D

Links to other pages

Conster's Museum of Godzilla
Better Music DJ -- If you need a DJ in Central New York, click here NOW!
Fr. Boddu's kids (they need help)
Pink elephants -- my personal log
My little tribute to my favorite swing-dick musician... :)
My rants, views, opinions -- they're all here
Buy Cranky Conster Products!!!

Email: angelfish74@yahoo.com