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Are you tired of those wimpy little dogs that crawl around the house all day and refuse to go poop outside? Well, here's your solution: Insta-Dog-In-A-Bottle! Just add water and you've got a poofy dog. Just listen to our first client:
"I just added water to it and I got a poofy dog! I let it out and it ran away... uh, I me ran around. And the best thing about it is that you can dehydrate it and stick it back in the bottle and you don't have to worry about it for weeks! It even goes in a kitty's litter box!"
That's right everybody! It even goes in a kitty's litter box! Just listen to our next client:
"It goes all over the floor and you can't get the stains out..." [Angry whisper from off stage: "Contract!"] "...Oh, I mean you don't have to clean up after it and it goes in a kitty's litter box."
So buy Inst-Dog-In-A-Bottle today!
And now, introducing Insta-Cat-In-A-Bottle!
In America today, there is a dire problem, AIDS. But we're not here to talk about that today! Another problem is stress. And now we have a solution for that, this lovely product. I'm your news correspondent, Joseph Chapman, and these are Happy Go Lucky Pills. They instantly, within 30 minutes, relieve stress!
And now some of the, they would be in small print, but that's not up right now so here you go:
Happy Go Lucky Pills may cause some side effects such as diarrhea, lung liquification, transparent appendix, bloating, involuntary streaking, voluntary streaking, involuntary volunteering, repeating self, repeating self, brain loss, stress, and depression.
So if you want to be moderately stress-free, get these pills today, FOR ONLY TWENTY-NINTY NINTY NINE. Thank you.
Welcome fans and watchers. I come here to a playground because this is the sight of a problem to society. Yes, society may be experiencing the low time, like the lowest amount of violence since World War Two, but it's still a problem. Today I bring you a lovely problem... I mean product for the public, Anger Away!
This is our first person to try it. His name is Freidrich. And now we're going to give you a lovely demonstration of just what exactly this can do for you.
A typical day on the playground: This is Jimmy James Jongo. [Freidrich starts chasing Jimmy James Jongo aggressively and violently.] Obviously not the silent type.
These are the two individuals after. Freidrich: "I'M GOING TO POUND YOU INTO A BLOODY PULP--AHHHHHHHH!" [Anger Away attacks Freidrich viciously.]
What do you think? Jimmy James Jongo: "I think it's GREAT!" Freidrich: "I THINK IT'S EATING MY BRAIN!"
Hallucinations of delusions of grandeur, hallucinations of evil people, hallucinations of death, unibrow, missing Adam's apple, incoherent speech, shattered skeleton, hallucinations of evil people, continuous singing, bad internet connection speeds, and finally, uh, could you help me out? Say something angry. Freidrich: "YOU STUPID--AHHHHHHHH!" Thank you. That is all.
How much would you pay for this? Jimmy James Jongo: "$2" Are you sure? Jimmy James Jongo: "Fine, $1.99." You're right! Congratulations!
You could be the proud owner of Anger Away, just like Freidrich. [Freidrich shakes head vigorously.]