LAST UPDATED: 07-21-09

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C80 CHARACTERS
Warning: Does Contain Spoilers
Page 1

Name: Abdul-Shareef-Farim-Bakeem-Hoingha Kimnoinga
Actor: Nathan Clark
Found: Season 1: Episode 2
About: Terrorist who chooses to hijack a low-budget children's entertainment show, stabbing two balloon characters, the host, and the cameraman to death. He wants your money and he wants your kids. Storytime's over!

Name: Accident-Prone Guy
Actor: Rodger Fickel
Found: Season 1: Episode 3
About: Weirdest Link contestant during its first episode. As his name suggests, he's just an accident waiting to happen. He briefly became the host after the first host was voted off, and was also briefly possessed by Gordo---both of which, we can obviously assume, were “accidents.” Caution Tape Guy, tragically, impales this man on a stick.

Name: Accountant of Evil
Actor: Brian Wise
Found: Season 3: Episode 22
About: This accountant is truly evil, and as such, Death makes an alliance with him to destroy Swiss Rolls, and retrieve the Idol of Osh-Kosh B’gosh. His father told him to never pronounce his “R’s” correctly, otherwise he might risk not returning his taxes, something he’s taken to heart. He dislikes Swiss Rolls for owing too many back-taxes. When the Accountant meets Rolls and Number One in battle, the doormat disarms him easily, forcing him to use his dreaded “non- accountant hand.” Following the scuffle, the Accountant and Death parted ways.

Name: Acne Tumorickis
Actor: John Nielsen
Found: Season 4: Episode 29
About: One of the thirteen children of Tumorickis. Wants his father to cure his acne, though Tumorickis could have sworn he “sent him to college” and tells him to “use his own cream.”

Name: Adam
Actor: Brian Wise
Found: Season 3: Episode 21
About: Essentially considered the first man ever created by God, it is a less-known fact that God created Adam to entertain Him. Lived in the Garden of Eden until a fateful day in which The Wizard distracted God long enough for Eve to trick Adam into eating the Forbidden Fruit. Yes, you read that right---Adam ate it first. Banned from Eden after that. Like so many who come into contact with The Wizard, Adam is still around today, though he and Eve tend to keep a low profile. He was interviewed by Joseph Chapman for the “Wizard exposé.” Adam is responsible for the lack of unicorns in our world today (he got hungry).

Name: Agent A (AKA: Aaron Andrews)
Actor: Jeremy White
Found: Season 2: Episode 12; Season 4: Episode 28; Season 5: Episode 38; Season 6: Episode 45
About: Lead agent in a team of American secret agents working under President Robert E. Wee in 2004. Called to the point of annoyance by the President regarding a mission to recover secret plans invented by Dr. Karen Smart, Agent A called his stealthiest agent, Agent L, into action. Though Karen got the plans back from Ned Farious and gave them to Agent A, they were snatched from him by the Freshly Laundered Russian and were lost for some time, resulting in A's dismissal from the agency. As Agent A had feelings for Karen Smart, he felt everything would be okay if he could only be with her, but soon she vanished completely. Despondent, Agent A went just a little insane, and in 2006, he stole the corpse of Yakuza and resurrected it using a device he bought on the internet, so that he could extract the memory of the plans from his brain. Finding out that they weren't there, he instead employed Yakuza and his bride, Hännah-Hero, as tools to extract the plans from the brain of Agent L, then retired. Eventually, Agent A did indeed piece together the plans, putting him back in the President's good graces, and was later reinstated with a full pardon in 2007 to help deal with the bombing crisis brought forth by the ex-vice president, Nathaniel Nathaien. During the final crisis of 2007, Agent A was instrumental in tracking Nathaien and putting to death a dangerous member of “The Syndicate,” O'Malley. Following the destruction of the new plans, Agent A resigned and was last glimpsed in the Caribbean with Karen Smart.

Name: Agent L (AKA: Laticia LeStark)
Actor: Holly Janka
Found: Season 2: Episode 12, 16; Season 4: Episode 28; Season 5: Episode 38; Season 6: Episode 45
About: The stealthiest of a team of American secret agents working under President Robert E. Wee in 2004. She was called to action by her boss at the time, Agent A, to find Dr. Karen Smart and use her help to recover a set of secret plans that were very important to the President. Using her spy skills, Laticia easily located Karen, and together they tracked down the two men responsible for the disappearance of the plans: the Freshly Laundered Russian and Ned Farious, Laticia's own ex-boyfriend. It seems Ned wanted to use the plans to get back with Agent L, but she'd long-since given up hope on him. While the plans were momentarily recovered, the Russian stole them once again. In 2005, the vice-president called on Agent L and Ex-Agent X to investigate the Yakuza, and once again try to recover the plans from the Russian. At this point, Laticia was a conscientious objector, but still carried out the mission, though the plans were lost permanently this time. After this, she retired from the agency, and went to live in a tree. However, in 2006, her former co-worker Randy, or Agent R, came to her to warn her that their ex-boss, Agent A, had gone bonkers and was trying to bring Yakuza back from the dead. Objecting to this, Laticia took up arms once more, teaming up with her mercenary friend Zato, and even Ned, to bring down Agent A's evil plan. Agent A sought to extract the memory of the plans from her head, and did so, but somehow, in the end, all was well… and nearly everyone lived to eat at Eaty's another day. A year later we found her living in a tree again, but her conscientious objector status was revoked by President Wee and Agent A so that she could assist in the capture of the ex-vice president, Nathaniel Nathaien. During the final crisis of 2007, Agent L took charge of her duties and with Randy at her side, tracked down Nathaien to secure the latest plans. After the destruction of those plans, Laticia resigned and eloped with Randy to her woodland home, never to be bothered by the government again.

Name: Agent R (AKA: Randy Reynolds)
Actor: Will
Found: Season 4: Episode 28; Season 6: Episode 45
About: Originally the intern (and lover) of Dr. Karen Smart, he was soon promoted to secret agent status, working in an agency of American spies under President Robert E. Wee. Indeed, it was because he was fooling around with Karen in 2004 that the “plans” were originally stolen by the Freshly Laundered Russian. In 2006, Randy found himself asking Laticia, formerly Agent L, to return to duty in order to stop their ex-boss, Agent A, from resurrecting Yakuza. A real pervert, Randy is incapable of keeping his hands to himself or his mouth shut for long. Teaming up with Zato, a mercenary, and their former nemesis Ned Farious, Laticia and Randy worked to stop the Yakuza from killing them all just to get at the “plans”---this time from Laticia's brain. In the end, though, all was well and the cookies were made. Randy made a toast to everyone at Eaty's, a family restaurant, before they worked together to defuse a bomb left to destroy them by the former vice president. During the final crisis of 2007, Randy was called to action once again, as his secret alliance with the Russian had led to another set of plans being made (which were of course stolen by Nathaniel Nathaien). With Agent L as his partner, he tracked down Nathaien. After the destruction of the last set of plans, Randy and Laticia eloped to her tree house, and were never bothered by government matters again.

Name: Alex Parker
Actor: (As Himself)
Found:
About: Doesn't do much reporting, but introduces several segments as himself. Also a frequent victim of “Meaning of Life” skits.

Name: Alex Prescott
Actor: (As Himself)
Found:
About: Makes a good cooking show co-host. Alex as himself.

Name: Alien Jenkins
Actor: Ryan Wheeler
Found: Season 3: Episode 18
About: The first postal worker encountered by the Postbusters---before Blacky joined. He snuck up on a librarian and scared her, so Ego, Radon, and Suck were called in to take care of things. They tested the “trap” on him and it worked like a charm.

Name: Alley Jenkins
Actor: Solveig Mueller
Found: Season 3: Episode 18
About: Another evil postal worker. It tries to eat the Test Subject, and when the Postbusters intervene, it mimes Suck Vacuum. The rest of the team puts it in its place---the ground.

Name: Alllsssh
Actor: Kirstin Mueller
Found: Season 1: Episode 3
About: Drunken Weirdest Link contestant. Appears during the first Weirdest Link episode. Fairly incomprehensible, as if she swallowed a squirrel along with her Jack Daniels. She is the only contestant that Caution Tape Guy did not kill at the end of the episode.

Name: Amanda Shimek
Actor: (As Herself)
Found:
About: Reporting in the first episode, Amanda mostly played herself, during the introduction and again while broadcasting Sports Junk highlights.

Name: Ambule
Actor: Jordan White
Found: Season 7: Episode 49
About: A teenager who is using his learner's permit to drive an ambulance during his free time---for extra cash. It's the American dream, right? So is having a girlfriend like Rebecca, another teen. Unfortunately, Rebecca is NOT Ambule's girlfriend---she's dating Brett Astard, another teen who loves himself more than anything in the world. All this is brought to light on the eighth episode of “The Rear View,” during which Ambule stormed onstage to declare his love for Rebecca--and promptly forgot what else he wanted to say. After dumping Brett, Rebecca also dumps Ambule, at the encouragement of Starla Simmons.

Name: Amish Girl #1
Actor: Solveig Mueller
Found: Season 2: Episode 14
About: Part of an Amish village whose local river is also being used by the Mystics, leading to a conflict of interest. While the Mystics are busy recruiting Deficiency Boy to help them, Mister Eye manipulates the Amish girls into enlisting the help of Captain Obvious, who has always been a friend to the Amish (formerly being Farm Lad will do that to a guy). In the end, the Amish and the Mystics nearly came to blows, but realized that both sides had been manipulated by Mister Eye, and opted to chase him down instead.

Name: Amish Girl #2
Actor: Jill Severson
Found: Season 2: Episode 14
About: Part of an Amish village whose local river is also being used by the Mystics, leading to a conflict of interest. While the Mystics are busy recruiting Deficiency Boy to help them, Mister Eye manipulates the Amish girls into enlisting the help of Captain Obvious, who has always been a friend to the Amish (formerly being Farm Lad will do that to a guy). In the end, the Amish and the Mystics nearly came to blows, but realized that both sides had been manipulated by Mister Eye, and opted to chase him down instead.

Name: Amish Girl #3
Actor: Colleen Poynter
Found: Season 2: Episode 14
About: Part of an Amish village whose local river is also being used by the Mystics, leading to a conflict of interest. While the Mystics are busy recruiting Deficiency Boy to help them, Mister Eye manipulates the Amish girls into enlisting the help of Captain Obvious, who has always been a friend to the Amish (formerly being Farm Lad will do that to a guy). In the end, the Amish and the Mystics nearly came to blows, but realized that both sides had been manipulated by Mister Eye, and opted to chase him down instead.

Name: Amuck Customer (AKA: Enviro Customer)
Actor: Laura Finch
Found: Season 2: Episode 10; Season 8: Episode 59
About: After hearing a convincing proposal from the salesman, she purchased the 2004 Amuck, from Titanic Motors, and seemed to be a very satisfied customer. And for a while, she was indeed. However, several years later her Amuck broke down, and the very same salesman emerged just in time to save the day by selling her the 2009 Chevy Enviro, a far more environmentally friendly car (depending on who you ask).

Name: Ancient Swiss Researcher #1
Actor: Jeremy White
Found: Season 8: Episode 60
About: Scientist working on an Ancient Swiss research project under General Chewagumabar that involved reverse-engineering the orbs for the military gain of Switzerland. He was destroyed (along with his entire civilization) when one of their creations spiraled out of control and caused a massive energy explosion.

Name: Ancient Swiss Researcher #2
Actor: Jordan White
Found: Season 8: Episode 60
About: Scientist working on an Ancient Swiss research project under General Chewagumabar that involved reverse-engineering the orbs for the military gain of Switzerland. He was destroyed (along with his entire civilization) when one of their creations spiraled out of control and caused a massive energy explosion.

Name: Ancient Swiss Soldier
Actor: Michael Cunningham
Found: Season 8: Episode 60
About: Military figure serving under General Chewagumabar during the time of the advanced Ancient Swiss civilization. He was undoubtedly destroyed along with his commanding officer when one of their reverse-engineered-orb-project artifacts spiraled out of control and killed everyone in the country at the time.

Name: Angeline
Actor: Johännah Larsen
Found: Season 6: Episode 46
About: An episode of “Securitiez” about an undercover drug bust featured Angeline, a girl from the wrong side of the tracks. Having given up her last name and her background, she floated from place to place until some mutual pimp/hooker pals introduced her to Swiss, a man with a lot of drugs (thus the attraction). While visiting Swiss's apartment, she was busted by Officer Burnowski and Officer Turner for illegal possession, among other things. Last seen being hauled off to jail.

Name: Anthony
Actor: Anthony
Found: Season 2: Episode 10
About: One of Bethany’s best friends. According to Death, if Bethany had never been born, Anthony---no longer needing to spend any time with her---would have gotten a job and earned the three thousand dollars he needed to pay off his PDA. Death objects to the happiness of this scenario, unzips reality, and assassinates poor Anthony in front of Bethany’s eyes. However, given that Bethany chooses to live in the end, it’s probably safe to assume that Anthony is alive in that timeline (for now!).

Name: Anthony
Actor: (As Himself)
Found:
About: The reporter incarnation of Anthony, appearing whenever he needed to deliver the news or related reports.

Name: Anthony Rex
Actor: Michael Cunningham
Found: Season 8: Episode 61
About: Mr. Rex is a somewhat secretive man whose job it is to work with dangerous chemicals and hazardous solutions. He was a contestant on the fourth installment of “the Weirdest Link.” Though he was voted out, one of his chemical solutions actually helped fellow contestant Begonia Billsley win the game. He also may have tried to dose Dale Danvers with something less-than-healthy for him.

Name: Anti-Social Client
Actor: John Nielsen
Found: Season 3: Episode 17
About: A youth that hates socializing, but most of all, hates socializing on Spring Break. Forced by his parents to act in Death's Spring Break dance show, he hatches a plan to hire Swiss Rolls to kill Death. When Swiss Rolls informs him that this isn't possible, he agrees to let Swiss Rolls end Spring Break in some other way. He has the distinction of being the second client Swiss Rolls has had who dies horribly upon the case being solved---the anti-social guy wandered into the Arena just in time to run afoul of Death's Frog-Fu martial arts, which promptly ended his life. He also is one of the most efficient users of the postal system we've ever seen, as he mails a check to Swiss Rolls to pay for his services a week before actually hiring him.

Name: Archibald the Sailor
Actor: Kyle Kertay
Found: Season 8: Episode 59
About: Archibald, as you may be able to tell, is a sailor---and a guest on the tenth episode of “The Rear View.” Interviewed by Starla Simmons, this salty dog from 'the north sea' details some of his many adventures, involving horrifying fishhooks, mermaids (or, to hear him tell it, Asians), and “bringing the crab.” Despite many old-world fishing vessel concerns, such as cannons, giant sea monsters, and the like, it seems Archibald serves aboard a very progressive vessel, as his mother, Captain Arrr, eventually got a sex-change operation and still commands the ship even now.

Name: Ark Minion
Actor: Manfred Mueller
Found: Season 3: Episode 21
About: A man assigned to help Noah build the Ark by God. He did a pretty good job, considering they got it built on time (though just barely). His partner-in-crime was Averag E. Guy, who would later go on to become Super-Slow Reaction Man.

Name: Army
Actor: Colleen Poynter
Found: Season 1: Episode 6
About: The one-man (or in this case, one-woman) army of Saruman and Gomorrha. Struck down by the Fellowship of the Thing.

Name: Assistant Sir
Actor: Matthew Loberg
Found: Season 4: Episode 25
About: The robot slave of computer company executive Rubrick Jameson IV, Assistant Sir is obedient and loyal, but not really built for combat situations. While his master competed with the wealthy Susan B. Starr for control of “happy,” Starr's Servant and the robot came to blows, and Assistant Sir lost badly. Upgraded several times by his master, he later sported painted nails that warmed the heart of Vinerita Amazon-Yoder-Schmidt, who set him free.

Name: Associated Press
Actor: Jordan White (voice)
Found: Season 7: Episode 56
About: The assortment of reporters at a press conference (called by Fifty Six and Raajneesh about their rap album) who were NOT Tom Brokaw.

Name: Astronaut
Actor: Bethany Loberg
Found: Season 6: Episode 46
About: This plucky astronaut is indeed named… Astronaut. Her parents were quite set on what they wanted their daughter to be, and so that was her name. Interviewed by Starla Simmons on the 6th “Rear View” episode, where she revealed that she is about to embark upon her first mission. Possibly broke up Starla's engagement to Justin Timberlake by mentioning, in passing, a dream she had about him. Starla seems to have contended with some insistence that Astronaut had been molested by her father, but we're not sure how true this is (though Astronaut's distress was certainly genuine).

Name: Audience Member Number 24
Actor: Anthony
Found: Season 2: Episode 12
About: In the audience of Cooking Corner episode Yellow. Selected to taste-test the cuddled eggs in the absence of the contractually-bound Joey Cleary.

Name: Audience Member John
Actor: John Nielsen
Found: Season 2: Episode 12
About: In the audience of Cooking Corner episode Yellow. Selected to taste-test the cuddled eggs in the absence of the contractually-bound Joey Cleary.

Name: Average Student
Actor: Anthony
Found: Season 1: Episode 1
About: An average student at an average school. Learns about “Freedom on a Stick.”

Name: Awful Good
Actor: Nathan Clark
Found: Season 1: Episode 4
About: When this wannabe superhero appears during “Sports Junk,” you get the feeling that there's just something not quite right upstairs. Still, he hosts the segment, does his duty, and is eager to please the cameraman by “doing good.” Awful is secretly the cousin of the more noted superhero, Lawful Good. He is also apparently sponsored by the Oregon Lottery.

Name: Baby-Napper Jenkins
Actor: Will
Found: Season 3: Episode 24
About: One of the many mutant mailmen sent by Steevo the Postarian to kidnap Bologna McRaina for the postcard demon’s own nefarious plot. This one actually succeeds in kidnapping baby Bologna, and brings the infant to Johnosh Poke’ha for safekeeping until Steevo’s plan can be put into motion.

Name: Bachelorish Bethany (AKA: Bachelorish #3)
Actor: Rodger Fickel
Found: Season 2: Episode 10
About: The third bachelorish on the second installment of “Visually Impaired Date.” S/he was eliminated after the questionnaire round in a battle to the death with the contestant, Low Standards. Might possibly have been a man masquerading as a woman. Not the best way to start a romance.

Name: Bad Guy Crueller (AKA: Horrendous Guy, Defective Mime)
Actor: Alex Parker
Found: Season 1: Episode 6, 8
About: The brother of Mandread Crueller, he is just as much of a, well, bad guy. When he first appeared, he used the Globe of Milkish Freakyness to send Farm Lad into a hallucinatory world so he could defeat the superhero team. Failing this, he joined forces with his brother in an attempt to corrupt the world with technology. He cannot be infused with the Globe of Milkish Freakyness, for he's already as bad as he can be. After the creation of Manfraud Dueller, Bad Guy tricked his brother Mandread into traveling to London, so that he could harness the powers of the Orb of Evolution and the Cloning Sphere. He first used Evolution to power up, becoming Horrendous Guy, and then tricked SSRM into using the Cloning Sphere, which backfired its charge into SSRM's body. As Super Fast Reaction Man, he was unable to cope with the strenuous battle, and Horrendous Guy killed him. Killing Super Slow Reaction Man seemed to satisfy Bad Guy's cravings for power, however, as the fact remains that even though SSRM later returned and other heroes rose up after him, Bad Guy went into early retirement and opened an orphanage of all things. Whether this Crueller has truly turned over a new leaf remains to be seen…

Name: Badly Dubbed Foreign Combatant #1
Actor: Rodger Fickel (voiced by Anthony, Joseph Chapman, and Travis Clark)
Found: Season 1: Episode 5
About: He seeks to destroy his opponent in battle. But why don't his lips match his words? Because he's badly dubbed.

Name: Badly Dubbed Foreign Combatant #2
Actor: Michael Cunningham (voiced by Joseph Chapman, Anthony, and Travis Clark)
Found: Season 1: Episode 5
About: He seeks to destroy his opponent in battle. But why don't his lips match his words? Because he's badly dubbed.

Name: Bailiff Billy
Actor: John Nielsen
Found: Season 2: Episode 11
About: Judge Julie’s bailiff. He appears on her show, announces each case, and swears in all the witnesses (on a phone book). He’s also a thorn in Julie’s side during her first episode, the “Case of the Cell Phones”---as Billy refuses to stop answering his own phone and continues to be distracted by a myriad of things. He even enters one of the witnesses’ flashback sequences when invited. Get off the phone, Billy. Get off the phone.

Name: Bangma Krotch
Actor: Joey Cleary
Found: Season 5: PDA3
About: Trashy dancer from the year 1985, she soon met a time-traveling rogue that took her on a whirlwind adventure that ended with her own existence getting erased. Bangma's essence, however, was too strong to fully scrub from any timeline, and she made her way across dimensions to Channel 80, where she hosts a slutty talk show called “The Bangshawang Hour” with her equally trashy friends, Lawangsha and Johnisha. Like, totally.

Name: Bargain Ben
Actor: John Nielsen
Found: Season 4: Episode 21
About: This strange fellow lives by himself in the fields of a far-off land. After making himself a house out of tall grass, he found himself the sidekick of explorer Vinerita Amazon-Yoder-Schmidt, in a quest to recover the halves of the Idol of Zurukan for the Mayan Queen (whose husband the King held the other half). With the motto “I’m Bargain Ben. I always get you what you want,” it’s no surprise, then, that following the conclusion of that quest, he was hired by Safari Jim, an explorer from Channel 586. Indeed, soon Bargain Ben appeared alongside Safari Jim on Jim’s own show.

Name: Bathroom Math
Actor: Anthony
Found: Season 1: Episode 6
About: A math-lover practically possessed by the Linear Sequence itself; Dodge Neo discovers him in the bathroom and learns the horrible truth: that math is in the bathroom, and worse, it is spreading to the rest of the world.

Name: Batman
Actor: John Nielsen
Found: Season 6: Episode 44
About: The Dark Knight himself, as seen in a Meaning of Life segment.

Name: Battle of the Bands Judge
Actor: Jeremy White
Found: Season 6: Episode 41
About: Ordinary man presiding over the 2007 Battle of the Bands, which pitted newcomer Fajita Demon against the age, experience, and possible memory loss of Toxic Mayonnaise.

Name: Begonia Billsley (AKA: Belanie Boozley)
Actor: Dylan Ransom
Found: Season 8: Episode 61
About: Begonia, or should we say Belanie, may well have been on the run from some kind of debtors or marauders when “she” accidentally became a famous infomercial spokesperson a la Billy Mays. Coming off “her” most recent stint of endorsing nostalgic 1950s-style instructional videos, Begonia became a contestant on the fourth installment of “Weirdest Link.” Not only that, s/he revealed on national TV that “she” was actually a man---perhaps during a moment of frustration. However, Belanie's persistence paid off, and s/he ended up winning the game show, to the disgust of all the other runner-up contestants.

Name: Behold Spokesman
Actor: Joey Cleary
Found: Season 7: Episode 51
About: The overzealous spokesperson for “Behold!,” a cleaning product so multi-purpose it will both make your toilet shine and give you a brand new car.

Name: Ben
Actor: Rodger Fickel
Found: Season 1: Episode 5
About: Candidate for the 2002 Suburban City Governor Elections, representing the Cheesemonger Party. Unfortunately for him, a passing truck drowns out his heartfelt speech, and the other Cheesemonger representative, the Wild Aboriginal, storms to the next round and eventually takes the governorship… but not before Ben, for some reason, helps officiate the final debate between the Wild Aboriginal and rival Fashionless Party candidate, Jimmy J'jimmajim.

Name: Ben Wibbens
Actor: (As Himself)
Found:
About: Makes a good cooking show co-host. Ben as himself.

Name: Benjamin Franklin
Actor: Jeremy White
Found: Season 5: Episode 39
About: Colonial patriot and inventor, no one really knew that Franklin got the idea for the whole kite + lightning + key = electricity thing from none other than Random Reporter Guy, who while passing through also told a young Franklin to “get on the hundred if you can.”

Name: Bernard Crocker
Actor: Michael Cunningham
Found: Season 6: Episode 45
About: The son of the famous Betty Crocker, who was seduced to the Dark Side by the usual methods of persuasion (money, power, women, infamy). He was a member of the Syndicate of international crime lords for many years, and his membership outlasted eventual defectors Ned Farious and Yakuza. In late 2007, Crocker's face was finally seen as the latest configuration of the Syndicate: he, O'Malley, Nathaniel Nathaien, double agent Downy and the Darth Don---sought to steal the latest cookie plans from President Wee and destroy America once and for all. On orders from the Don, Crocker tracked down the “traitor,” Yakuza, and of course Hännah-Hero. He did battle with both of them but was struck down by the Yakuza and killed. His death helped to seal the final fall of the Syndicate.

Name: Bernard Foress [See also: Dorgo the Dark Mystic]
Actor: Tylor Stepp
Found: Season 7: Episode 55; Season 8: Episode 60
About: Bernard is a forest-dweller who just seems to want to be left alone by everyone. Used to a solitary life, Bernard found his world abruptly “bothered” when Thaddius Morten murdered a boy scout troop in his woods and used them to lure a host of superheroes and villains into a trap. An unassuming (if sheltered) fellow, Bernard chose to spy on the heroes and the villains equally, meeting Kalmundo Rifkin and Dädder Frampton face to face before running into SSRM, DB, Farm Lass and Lucky Twitch. When a massive fight broke out between factions, Bernard seemed to side against the heroes merely because they said they would leave and had not, as well as the fact that he believed SSRM was responsible for killing his deer, Spot (in reality it seems most likely that Kalmundo or Thaddius was responsible and framed our hero). In the end, “Bernie” took his share of blows before both sides left his woods, which was all he really wanted. Left alone with his trees, he finally seemed happy. Later, that happiness was shattered when he made the innocent mistake of hugging a tree that had housed an evil spirit for eons, and found himself possessed by the spirit of Dorgo the Dark Mystic, who took control of his body and mind. As the Dark Mystic, Bernard/Dorgo found himself doing battle with the Nomad, who was drawn there by the seal being broken, and the somewhat-less-prepared Farm Lass, Lucky Twitch, and soon thereafter, Deficiency Boy, all of whom pitched in against him. During a lock of energy attacks, however, Bernard vanished. It is surely not the last anyone has seen of him.

Name: Bethany
Actor: Bethany Loberg
Found: Season 2: Episode 10
About: When this woman was feeling down on herself, and nothing in her life seemed like it was going right, she ran into Death, who showed her what the world would be like if she’d never been born. Though this was eye-opening for her, she was never quite sure what Death was trying to get out of it. In the end, she wished she could live again. Because of this encounter, Death entered a downward spiral of demotion until he ended up hosting a Spring Break dance show.

Name: Betty Blasphemie
Actor: Kyle Kertay
Found: Season 6: Episode 47, 48
About: Featured as the fourth of a series of five “Bachelorishes” on the return of the popular show “Visually Impaired Date.” Betty is an excitable, um, person, thrilled beyond measure just to be on television at all. S/he enters the show after Bachelorish #2, Billy Ball, is ejected using a lifeline. However, s/he does not last long, due to the fact that s/he almost certainly seems to be possessed by some sort of powerful demon. The contestant, Grace, tosses Betty from the show using her last lifeline almost right away (not to mention Jesus Jones performing an impromptu exorcism that doesn't quite seem to take hold). However, s/he manages to infiltrate the lair where Jeffer and Grace go on their date, and causes all manner of havoc, scaring Grace away and attacking Jeffer. After the show, Betty was taken into custody and locked up in Darkham Asylum for everyone's safety. Interviewed by demon-hunter Lor Crawford Tumorickis a month later, Betty divulged that her entire family and her friends had been murdered by the demon within her, known as Zenegal the Dominator, when she fell down a Columbian mine shaft. Despite Lor's efforts, Zenegal was too powerful, and remains within Betty until the day someone more powerful can get him out. Frank, the guard outside her cell, referred to her as the “multi-murdering, Columbian cross-dressing psycho serial killer.”

Name: Billy (AKA: Joe)
Actor: Daniel Clark
Found: Season 1: Episode 2
About: He thought he knew the facts (including his own name), but this unfortunate guest on Mr. Wrong's talk show, is, well, WRONG. About everything. He loves his mom, though.

Name: Billy Bob Bozeman
Actor: Manfred Mueller
Found: Season 1: Episode 1
About: A middle-aged guy with a mid-life crisis. Billy Bob pleads to a higher power to give his life meaning, and someone answers, but it's not God---just the guy upstairs, Jim.

Name: Billy Caldwell
Actor: Michael Cunningham
Found: Season 1: Episode 7
About: He and his son Francis came from Yojiminy, Iowa, to make it big in show biz. Well, after they became the stars of the SINRS show “Acquaintances,” about four men living in a welfare tenement, he was satisfied with everything except his son's inability to read. Thanks to the Slyvan Learning Disadvantage, Francis can now at least pretend to read---which is more than enough for Billy. Oddly enough, he does play his own son's roommate on TV.

Name: Billy McDonnie
Actor: Brian Wise
Found: Season 3: Episode 24
About: A small child having a birthday party with his siblings Susie, Clawie, and Neddy (apparently they all have the same birthday). His mother invites two Postbusters members, Blacky and Radon, to entertain at the party, but the kids are not impressed. He does NOT want ice cream.

Name: Binky
Actor: Travis Clark
Found: Season 1: Episode 2
About: Partner to Twinky, the first assistant to Bonanza Bob. Something of a child prodigy, one might say he was nearly more savvy than Bonanza Bob himself---to a degree. He assisted on the hunt for the Newt of Doom, and his current whereabouts are unknown.

Name: Bitsy (AKA: The Disco Dragon)
Actor: Alex Parker
Found: Season 1: Episode 8
About: Bitsy is, without a doubt, one of the last elusive disco dragons. Wandering the earth spreading his music, Bitsy's true origins are yet unknown. Has ties to both The Wizard (in fact, Bitsy lost his spellbook) and Death. He was the pet of the latter before departing to another realm, possibly to lay eggs and/or find another dragon to mate with. Swiss Rolls accused Bitsy both of eating the plot and being gay. Most recently, as of 2007, Bitsy has apparently resurfaced in London, where he has been terrorizing the Queen, prompting Swiss Rolls to take a trip overseas to take care of matters…

Name: Black & White Narrator
Actor: Jeremy White
Found: Season 2: Episode 10
About: Narrator for the Black & White Zone. Enjoys inserting himself into the background of scenes. He drank Frist and became a zombie.

Name: Blacky
Actor: Anthony, Kyle Kertay
Found: Season 3: Episode 18, 23
About: Member of the anti-mailman fighting force, the Postbusters! Together with Ego, Suck, and Radon, Blacky does his best to rid the world of the evil monster mailmen that plague it. When the Postbusters were a three-man team, Blacky wandered into a Postbusters meeting thinking he was applying for a job at Taco Bell. Though not actually black, the team needed some diversity, so Blacky is their token black guy. Often the first to jump into (or be sent into) a dangerous situation. He has a tendency to say the strangest things. Five years after their first caper, Blacky looked quite different, in fact, almost different enough to be a different person---though he denies it. The Postbusters first defeated the evil Postmaster General, and years later, were called in to defeat Steevo, a postcard monster who kidnapped Elaina McRaina's baby, Bologna.

Name: Bladder Control Failure #1
Actor: Johännah Larsen
Found: Season 5: Episode 33
About: Her bladder control fails, and what does she do? Soak up life, of course!

Name: Bladder Control Failure #2
Actor: Kyle Kertay
Found: Season 5: Episode 33
About: His bladder control fails, and what does he do? Soak up life, of course!

Name: Bladder Control Failure #3
Actor: John Nielsen
Found: Season 5: Episode 33
About: His math homework involved “too much number one.” What does he do? Soak up life, of course!

Name: Bladder Control Failure #4
Actor: Chris Steere
Found: Season 5: Episode 33
About: He was considered a “party-pooper,” literally, until he tried Soak Up Life.

Name: Blake Robertson
Actor: Brian Wise
Found:
About: This is Brian's reporter persona, skilled in ambush-reporting techniques.

Name: Blazer the Street Bowler
Actor: Stephen Glantz
Found: Season 1: Episode 4
About: Player in the “Street Bowling 2” sports junk segment. Assistant to Awful Good for the length of the segment.

Name: Blind Mayor, The
Actor: Johännah Larsen
Found: Season 3: Episode 22; Season 5: Episode 33; Season 6: Episode 44
About: The aptly named mayor of the Village of Ted, who is in fact blind. Initially, she sought out Swiss Rolls to collect back taxes from him (and tear down his house), but in fact the Blind Mayor became fast friends with Rolls after he thwarted an assassination attempt on her life by her then-vice-mayor, Tim. She is very concerned about the appearance of her city and wants only the best for it, and so calls on Swiss Rolls for assistance often if there is a problem---such as the murder of visiting French diplomat, Lisette Marteau. She’s quite clever in her own right, however, and carries an enigmatic air about her---in fact, despite the involvement of Swiss Rolls and French Inspector Jeu le Deu, the Blind Mayor practically solved the murder herself (it was Tim again). She has more subordinates than you can shake a stick at, first employing Randall as her Vice-Mayor, and after he vanished, Tim as her Vice-Mayor, then replacing him with Vice-Mayor Alan, who has his own Vice-Vice-Mayor, Koon (and when Alan and Koon left, Randall took the post again). She’s a Blindocrat, and recently she visited Capitol Hill, possibly pursuing a career in higher politics. She just recovered the upgraded Key to her City, likely securing her re-election as Mayor.

Name: Blitzed Beachgoer
Actor: Brian Wise
Found: Season 3: Episode 17
About: One of Death's ditzy Spring Break dancers. Straying from the show, he bumps into Doormat Number One, but fails to glean any information from him---partly because Doormat doesn't speak English, and partly because the dancer was completely hammered. The party ended for him when Swiss Rolls came in and gunned him down. Death mourned the loss, and used the soul-stealing dance to take what was rightfully his, then.

Name: Bob
Actor: Claire Hoover
Found: Season 1: Episode 3
About: The only contestant in the first Weirdest Link episode to actually volunteer her name to the host. Not fond of Accident-Prone Guy, but other than that, wholly unremarkable. Caution Tape Guy murders her at the end of the episode, along with the other contestants.

Name: Bob the Cameraman
Actor: Kyle Wheeler
Found: Season 4: Episode 27
About: Cameraman from another network, he is employed by 586 to work for Safari Jim and has for many years. Reliable and trustworthy, he is Jim's greatest cameraman. Helps Safari Jim steal his show back from Bonanza Brian.

Name: Bob Tussle
Actor: Victor Prescott
Found: Season 6: Episode 41
About: The keyboardist and founding member of the band “Fajita Demon,” which was formed two months prior to the 2007 Battle of the Bands. Bob is a calm and thoughtful guy, often the voice of reason in the band, who doesn’t seem to mind the notion of competing against Toxic Mayonnaise, a band with decades more experience than him. After losing the Battle of the Bands, Bob and Fajita Demon are probably still playing sets in dive bars somewhere. Prototype names for “Fajita Demon” included “Anti-Oxidant Biscuit,” “Purple Mayonnaise,” and “Cheez-Whiz For Your Deez-Whiz.”

Name: Bog Jenkins
Actor: Will
Found: Season 3: Episode 24
About: An evil mailman skilled in kickboxing, he is in the employ of Steevo the Postarian. This postal worker kidnaps Elaina McRaina’s baby, Bologna, for his master, but Elaina takes the baby back. The Postbusters later return to the scene to investigate, and defeat this mailman---though his kickboxing skills make them realize that they need an upgrade in equipment.

Name: Bologna McRaina
Actor: Plastic Baby
Found: Season 3: Episode 24
About: The infant son of Elaina McRaina, a secretary at an office building. While Elaina went to check her mail with Bologna one day, he was grabbed by a mailman and carried off. Frantic, Elaina pursued the kidnapper and got Bologna back, but called in the Postbusters to investigate. This was all a plot by Steevo the Postarian, a postcard demon, to obtain anti-allergenic baby-flesh which he could use to come to the human world and dominate it, as on his own, Steevo had far too many allergies. Later, Bologna was abducted again by the minions of Steevo, and the plan nearly worked, if not for the Postbusters, who saved the baby and returned him to his mother. He is the nephew of Dana McRaina. Bologna was also born at the North Pole, and loves brisk and cold temperatures.

Name: Bonanza Bade
Actor: Alex Prescott
Found: Season 3: Episode 19; Season 6: Episode 41
About: Cousin of Bonanza Bob, he got his own show after Bonanza Bridget disappeared. A hardened adventurer, Bade is always accompanied by his assistant, Twinky-Joe. Together they took on the Redneck Bigfoot and rid their area of his stench. Bade is the brother of Bonanza Bridget, who was later murdered by their mutual cousin, who called himself Count Drixon, a vampire who tells people how to vote (in addition to doing more standard vampire-type things). In Twinky-Joe's absence, Bade was assisted by Linky, a special friend he claims to have met on the internet, a man he claims has a “great influence” on his life. During the fight to take down Count Drixon, Bade teamed up with Safari Jim and Dinky, the butler of his other cousin, Bonanza Bob. He eventually defeated Drixon and hauled him off to prison, so Bridget's spirit could finally have some justice. Bade also has a secretary named Swampy, of somewhat unknown origins.

Name: Bonanza Ben
Actor: Michael Cunningham
Found: Season 1: Episode 3
About: Cousin to Bonanza Bob and twin brother to Bonanza Bill. He teams up with his cousin Bonanza Bob to avenge the death of his brother Bill, who was afflicted with Mad Monkey Disease and later put out of his misery by the Wild Aboriginal. However, during the heated battle with the Aboriginals, Ben loses his footing and drowns. It was later revealed that Ben and Bill had a third sibling, who inherited their fortunes after their deaths---but later got greedy and, using the alias “Count Drixon,” attempted to kill the rest of the Bonanza family, including Bridget (who was killed), Bob (who escaped), and Bade (who eventually defeated and unmasked Drixon).

Name: Bonanza Bill
Actor: Michael Cunningham
Found: Season 1: Episode 3
About: Cousin to Bonanza Bob. He was the first Bonanza cousin besides Bob to get his own show, but it didn't last. While exploring the jungles of Nebraska Avenue, he was bitten by a monkey carrying the Mad Monkey Disease. Infected, Bill was put out of his misery by the Wild Aboriginal. He was later avenged (sort of) by Bonanza Bob and his twin brother, Bonanza Ben. It was later revealed that Ben and Bill had a third sibling, who inherited their fortunes after their deaths---but later got greedy and, using the alias “Count Drixon,” attempted to kill the rest of the Bonanza family, including Bridget (who was killed), Bob (who escaped), and Bade (who eventually defeated and unmasked Drixon).

Name: Bonanza Bob
Actor: Nathan Clark
Found: Season 1: Episode 2, 3; Season 4: Episode 31
About: The original “Bonanza” character; the intrepid finder of things unknown. Bonanza Bob is a little rough around the edges, but that's just the way he operates. He first hunted down the Newt of Doom with his assistants Binky and Twinky, and later returned to search for the Idol of Zurukan in competition with several other explorers including Safari Jim and Vinerita Amazon-Yoder-Schmidt, with his butler, Dinky. Bonanza Bob is a cousin to the late Bonanza Bill, Ben, and Bridget, as well as Bonanza Bade, and Brian. He enjoys money, fast cars, and “bitches,” for the record. A recent assassination attempt on him by a previously unknown cousin going by the name of “Count Drixon” was thwarted by Dinky's twin combs.

Name: Bonanza Brian
Actor: Brian Wise
Found: Season 4: Episode 27
About: From Sydney, Australia, this explorer made his way to Bogtown, OR, where he found himself the star of his own show on the 586 network, who had just fired their own star, Safari Jim. Eager to please, Bonanza Brian went along with things until met with a challenge from Safari Jim, which he lost. However, the two became friends, and the network president arranged a deal with Joseph Chapman for Bonanza Brian to appear in his own show on the Channel 80 network. While this deal would have worked, an unknown emergency called for Brian to return to Australia, and he never appeared. Cousin to Bonanza Bob, Bade, Bridget, and the late Bill and Ben.

Name: Bonanza Bridget
Actor: Lily Nisbet
Found: Season 2: PDA
About: After the deaths of Bonanza Bill and Bonanza Ben, Bonanza Bob scaled back his production and their cousin, Bonanza Bridget, got her own show. Traveling to the Eastside Hotel with her assistant/wife, Pinky, Bridget was hired by the owners to rid the place of pests. After some investigation, Bridget found the source of the pest problem--an infestation of Pygmy-Back Nielsens. She cleaned the place out, took the owner's wife as payment for services rendered, and was never seen again. She is the sister of Bonanza Bade, and alas, some time later it was revealed that one of her cousins, while disguised as the vampire “Count Drixon,” murdered her. Her brother Bade eventually avenged her by unmasking Drixon and hauling him off to jail.

Name: Boogie Boy
Actor: Jordan White
Found: Season 4: Episode 26; Season 5: Episode 34; Season 6: Episode 43; Season 7: Episode 50
About: This flashy character of unknown origins can often be found dancing the night away at any kind of nightclub, disco, or place where he can be the center of attention. Boogie Boy possesses the power of mesmerizingly bad dancing, which impressed Anarchy Lad enough for the latter to hire him into the “Minions of Strife” as a sidekick. Though the Confuzzler was uninspired by Boogie Boy, his powers DO work---though sometimes even on Anarchy Lad. The Gorb Crafter used her evil “Gold Orb” on Boogie Boy and put him out of commission for a while, but he returned later. Using Boogie Boy's interpretive dance as a distraction was key in Anarchy Lad's abduction of the Silent Narrator. When Anarchy Lad became Lawful Good again, Boogie Boy and the Surfing Mystic opted to stick with Hezedipapa, and remain villains. Soon after, however, Hezedipapa vanished, leaving Boogie Boy and Mo to run the World Domination Squad themselves… in doing this, they opted to make a grab for the Wizard's powers. Boogie Boy himself nearly grasped the Sapphire housing the powers, but was blasted backwards by Deficiency Boy's Mystic abilities. He and Mo escaped and later regrouped at a new hideout, being the last survivors of the World Domination Squad. Believing Lawful Good, SSRM, and the Wizard to be “evil oil tycoons,” Mo and Boogie Boy fought them one last time together. SSRM badly defeated poor Boogie Boy, who was then healed by the Wizard, and, on the promise of his immediate reform, given the rank of Riverdancing Mystic.

Name: Book Phone Operator
Actor: Jeremy White
Found: Season 7: Episode 53
About: The friendly voice on the other end of 'Book Phone,' spending its days helping the bored (and destitute?) select reading material.

Name: Boomshifa
Actor: Tom Howe
Found: Season 4: Episode 29
About: The late girlfriend of Sid Sidler, a milkman. Some years ago, Boomshifa, Sid, and Sid’s brother were leaving a movie theater when a pink ninja attacked the group. Boomshifa and Sid’s brother were killed instantly… inspiring Sid’s eventual transformation into the masked vigilante “Super Sidekick.”

Name: Bouncer in Cap
Actor: Kyle Wheeler
Found: Season 4: Episode 27
About: One of Channel 586 network president Malcolm Downer's cronies. He stops Safari Jim's father from assassinating Downer after Safari Jim was temporarily fired and replaced with Bonanza Brian.

Name: Bowler Hat
Actor: Jeremy White
Found: Season 2: Episode 16
About: Bystander. He attempts to tell Ex-Agent X which way the Yakuza has gone, but in X's excitement, gets stabbed accidentally.

Name: Box's Brother
Actor: Rodger Fickel
Found: Season 2: Episode 9
About: Sea-Triscuit's brother, who does not believe that Sea-Triscuit can win a race. Why he is a human and his brother is a box of crackers, we will never know. His hatred for Sea-Triscuit is so great that he actually attacks its coach, as well as trains a rival in an attempt to defeat the box once and for all. In this, he fails.

Name: Boyfriend
Actor: Tom Howe
Found: Season 5: PDA3
About: He comes with the EMObile as a standard feature. Comes off as a bit sadistic, but it's all partly-sunshine and black roses for the emo-kid SadSadBoy76, who buys the EMObile. You'll never get rid of him.

Name: Brett Astard
Actor: John Nielsen
Found: Season 7: Episode 49
About: A narcissistic bastard of a teenager seen on the 8th episode of “The Rear View.” He is dating one of the other guests, Rebecca, at the outset---a girl whose name he cannot even recall, not that it bothers HIM any. Starla does not see eye to eye with this young man, and without much encouragement from the host, Rebecca soon sees the error of her ways and dumps his sorry ass right off the couch.

Name: Bruce Wayne
Actor: Jordan White (voice)
Found: Season 7: Episode 52
About: The Caped Crusader, as seen in a commercial for the Joker's anti-depressant pills.

Name: Bryan
Actor: Bryan Joseph
Found: Season 2: Episode 10
About: This obnoxious fellow is an acquaintance of Bethany and Mandy, and spends most of his time harassing them for dates or using lines like “Hey, you wanna take a long ride on a short pier?” According to Death, if Bethany had never been born, Bryan would have been a hip-hop performing thespian and the first American to become triple-bankrupt---and he also ends up dating Mandy. The giant key that Death carries everywhere opens, among other possible things, this man’s condominium (though it’s unclear whether he retains it in the timeline in which Bethany WAS born).

Name: Buick Announcer
Actor: Melissa Larsen
Found: Season 4: Episode 27
About: Attempts to sell us the Buick. It’s not old, it’s classic!

Name: Buick Girl
Actor: Johännah Larsen
Found: Season 4: Episode 27
About: Revels in the Buick’s wonders, such as its round, round tires, and horrible gas mileage.

Name: Burg Larr
Actor: Rodger Fickel
Found: Season 1: Episode 8
About: Though he professes to be a burglar after entering Swiss Rolls' house through the window, he is in fact Swiss Rolls' first client. A writer, Burg found that his plot was missing, and hired Swiss Rolls to find it. After a slow-speed chase with Death in Rolls' “slow-mobile,” they wandered aimlessly, but still never found the plot. Well, every good plot has a twist, and Burg's was the fact that he had his plot all along---a scheme to create the new world-wide-web. But in his greed, he got trapped, and Death slit his throat.

Name: Busty Firefighter
Actor: Nathan Clark
Found: Season 1: Episode 5
About: Lurks creepily in the background of the 2002 Suburban City Governor Elections. Is it a man or a woman? Either way, nice rack.

Name: Butch Iron (AKA: Jimmy)
Actor: Manfred Mueller
Found: Season 1: Episode 7
About: Butch plays “Jimmy” on the first incarnation of “Acquaintances,” which at the time was about four people living in a welfare tenement. There doesn't seem to be much difference between Butch and Jimmy, actually… they're both illiterate and have a love of Britney Spears music. News correspondent Joseph Chapman attempts to teach him how to read with limited success.

Name: Cake Goblin
Actor: Jeremy White
Found: Season 1: Episode 8
About: Co-hosts the very first episode of Cooking Corner with Joseph Chapman. Likes adding flavor to things. Might not actually be a goblin.

Name: Calcium Carbonate
Actor: Chris Steere
Found: Season 4: Episode 29
About: One of the thirteen children of Tumorickis. He “needs calcium carbonate.”

Name: Calvin Citruscide
Actor: Jordan White
Found: Season 6: Episode 48
About: Apprentice to the demon-hunter Lor Crawford Tumorickis. Calvin is younger and less experienced at the job, but knowledgeable enough to stay safe and enthusiastic enough to learn several lifesaving tricks that have helped him in the past. Calvin often runs errands for Lor, such as tracking down witnesses to demonic activity and recruiting other possible apprentices, such as Marty Party. Calvin assisted Lor in shutting down a major demon gate recently, and continues his work with him in the field somewhere now.

Name: Cameraman Jake
Actor: John Nielsen
Found: Season 2: Episode 12
About: Out in the forest to film a documentary about the Salem Gypsy, he got seperated from the rest of his film crew, and ended up with three strangers: Star Method, Mibdo, and Monkey, who were similarly lost. Finding the remains of a campsite, they soon encountered Death, who explained to them about the grisly fate that befell six campers who camped there some time ago. After that, the group got separated, and Star was eaten by the Salem Gypsy, leaving only her sunglasses behind. Finding her “remains,” the group panicked, scattering---and Jake was immediately eaten by the Salem Gypsy as well. Has a girlish scream.

Name: Cameraman of Nebraska Avenue
Actor: Joseph Chapman
Found: Season 1: Episode 3
About: Bonanza Bill's cameraman. After Bonanza Bill was infected with Mad Monkey Disease, the cameraman took it upon himself to continue the show and seek out the source of the disease. With Field Medic Anthony's help, it was discovered that the source of the malady was none other than Gordo.

Name: Camper Alex
Actor: Alex Parker
Found: Season 1: Episode 5
About: He went on a camping trip with his buddies, Campers Manfred, Michael, Anthony, Rodger, and Travis, but a happy time was not to be had. Soon, the other campers found Travis and Michael devoured by the legendary monster, the Salem Gypsy, leaving nothing but their sunglasses. After the other campers split up in hopes of finding Travis and Michael, Alex was the next to fall victim to the Salem Gypsy.

Name: Camper Anthony
Actor: Anthony
Found: Season 1: Episode 5
About: While on a camping trip with his buddies, Campers Manfred, Michael, Rodger, Alex, and Travis, this plucky youth soon found that things were not as they seemed. First Travis and Michael vanished---taken by the Salem Gypsy, a monster in the nearby woods. As Camper Anthony and the others searched for their two missing companions, Alex and Rodger were killed too. As Camper Anthony and Manfred discovered the only remains of Alex and Rodger---their sunglasses---Anthony himself was devoured by the Salem Gypsy, right before Manfred's eyes.

Name: Camper Manfred
Actor: Manfred Mueller
Found: Season 1: Episode 5
About: He went with his buddies, Campers Michael, Anthony, Rodger, Alex, and Travis, on the most fateful camping trip of his life. Despite warnings from the locals, he and his friends camped in woods rumored to be cursed---and paid the price. First, Travis and Michael were cut down by the mysterious Salem Gypsy, leaving only their sunglasses, which Camper Manfred wore in their memory (and to give them back in case they were found again). As time went on, Alex and Rodger were taken as well, and Manfred wore their sunglasses too. Finally, Camper Anthony was killed before Manfred's eyes, and he put on those glasses too. With all the sunglasses, he was unable to see, and thus, could not be scared of the Salem Gypsy, and so escaped the woods. Alas, the Gypsy followed him out, and though he nearly got away, Camper Manfred was its last victim for some time.

Name: Camper Michael
Actor: Michael Cunningham
Found: Season 1: Episode 5; Season 6: Episode 41
About: He went on a fateful camping trip with his buddies, Campers Manfred, Anthony, Rodger, Alex, and Travis. Something of a sourpuss, he wasn't very interested in singing campfire songs or really having a good time at all. Following the disappearance of Camper Travis, he scoffed at the notion of a legendary beast that dwelled in the woods, and abruptly left camp. His hateful soul not only made him the Salem Gypsy's second victim, but allowed the Gypsy to fuse with his body, making it into an even more formidable killing machine. Like the others, once the Gypsy had had its fill of him, nothing remained but his sunglasses. Untold years later, Camper Michael was resurrected by Death to once again play host body to the Gypsy, who had grown weak from the lack of victims in recent times. Pretending to be the assistant to Death's human form, a real estate agent, Michael and the Gypsy attempted to murder several people while using the apartment they were selling as a cover---however, unlike previous encounters, the Gypsy was harshly destroyed at the hands of the humans, and as punishment, Death killed Michael once more.

Name: Camper Rodger
Actor: Rodger Fickel
Found: Season 1: Episode 5
About: Upon going on a camping trip with his buddies, Campers Manfred, Michael, Anthony, Alex, and Travis, he quickly discovered that they all should have listened to the old guy from the convenience store: the woods were haunted. Following the disappearance of Travis and Michael, the others split up to try and find them, but soon Alex was taken as well---by the Salem Gypsy. While searching for Camper Alex, Rodger met his own end at the hands of the monster.

Name: Camper Travis
Actor: Travis Clark
Found: Season 1: Episode 5
About: On a camping trip with his older buddies, Campers Manfred, Michael, Anthony, Rodger, and Alex… he was the first to learn how FATEFUL a camping trip it was. Leaving the campfire circle to answer nature's call, he became the first documented victim of the dreaded Salem Gypsy. Like all the other victims, he was entirely devoured except for the pair of sunglasses he was wearing. After his death, Camper Travis's ghost still walked the earth in an attempt to warn his fellow campers, but it was of no use. It's entirely possible that his spirit still haunts the thick woods that grew up in the campsite's place after their demise (which were later clear-cut to build an apartment complex, but hey, he can still haunt it).

Name: Candy Dealer
Actor: Manfred Mueller
Found: Season 1: Episode 7
About: Just another depraved criminal, out on the streets dealing candy to your children. He sold to poor Tim Norton, who saw firsthand what it meant to get hooked on candy. When approached by a junkie with no money and a fix, the dealer opened fire, killing the pathetic man. News correspondent Joseph Chapman interviewed the Candy Dealer to get the scoop on his side of the story---though his face was semi-obscured for the camera. The Dealer also did his part to show the police chief, Lars Benedict, that he meant business.

Name: Candy Junkie
Actor: Rodger Fickel
Found: Season 1: Episode 7
About: Hopelessly addicted to candy, this junkie had a fix and no money to spend, so he tried begging the Candy Dealer for a freebie, and it cost him his life. Shot to death.

Name: Canuck Jones
Actor: John Nielsen
Found: Season 2: Episode 11
About: One of the many sons of Jennifer Jones and Mr. Jones, owners of the Jones Family Retreat. Unlike a good deal of his other siblings, Canuck Jones does not assist in the running of the family resort, but is rather employed up north as a body guard to the Canadian Prime Minister, James Hemlock. When Ingo Martini, a guest at his family’s resort, makes his way into Canada, Canuck Jones assists in keeping the group safe from the pants that have been killing everyone. He protected the Prime Minister by dying in his stead at the “hands” of the pants. Brother to Jim, Paul, Jeb, Distraction, and Tall-Skinny Jones, and cousin to Philadelphia Jones. Canuck Jones resembles his mother Jennifer more than any of his brothers.

Name: Canuck Kent
Actor: Adam Nielsen
Found: Season 2: Episode 11
About: Bodyguard to the Canadian Prime Minister, James Hemlock, and partner to Canuck Jones. Kent had his work cut out for him when pairs of pants started going wild and homicidally attacking the populace. When Hemlock was joined by Ingo Martini, a guest at the Jones Family Retreat, Kent and Canuck Jones spent their time keeping Hemlock safe from more pants attacks. After Canuck Jones was killed by pants, it was up to Kent to escort Hemlock and Martini safely back to the U.S. border, but in a playground he was ambushed by pants and killed.

Name: Capable Lad (AKA: Meth Lad, Rick)
Actor: Brian Wise
Found: Season 2: Episode 15, 16; Season 3: Episode 17, 22; Season 4: Episode 26, 30
About: An eager young man, who after fighting crime at his high school volunteered to and became Deficiency Boy's first sidekick. Stowing away in DB's trunk, he emerged at the Edge of the World, ready to fight evil, but found himself instead mostly doing menial tasks like carrying Deficiency Boy's juice. Still, the two bonded like no others, and were the best of friends. Soon, Capable Lad found himself fighting the likes of Hezedipapa and her World Domination Squad. When DB went on a vacation and left Capable Lad in the care of Lawful Good and Captain Obvious, Lawful Good accidentally became Anarchy Lad, and Capable Lad was kidnapped and offered a spot on the villains' squad. He initially accepted, but when faced with killing DB, he balked and defected to the good side again. Later, when the Gorb Crafter appeared, he was tricked into touching her evil Gold Orb, and became Meth Lad, a person completely devoid of any real sense. Running about and cavorting in mattress shops, Meth Lad so annoyed Anarchy Lad that he sent him away---and Meth Lad went and woke up the Orb Crafter, who set things right once more. Restored, Capable Lad was sent on a quest by the Orb Crafter to retrieve the “Moon of Miscellaneous,” and was last seen trying to make sense of the directions given to him by Orby and Noah. In his absence, The Wizard is serving as sidekick to Deficiency Boy. According to SSRM and Lawful Good some time later, they discovered that Capable Lad had been killed on the quest for the Moon of Miscellaneous.

Name: Capitol Jenkins
Actor: Ryan Wheeler
Found: Season 3: Episode 24
About: One of the many mutant mailmen sent by Steevo the Postarian to destroy the Postbusters. He attempts to evade the anti-mailman fighting team, but fails and is trapped like the others.

Name: Captain James Jimbo
Actor: Jeremy White
Found: Season 4: Episode 27
About: Safari Jim's father. Ordinarily appearing on another network, he was less than pleased to find that his son's TV show had been cancelled, and attempted to assassinate the president of that network, Malcolm Downer. Featured as part of a special presentation of “Safari Jim Episode 42.”

Name: Car Salesman Joe
Actor: Joseph Chapman
Found: Season 2: Episode 10; Season 4: Episode 31; Season 5: PDA3; Season 8: Episode 59
About: This savvy salesman knows all about the latest cars. Shown selling us the 2004 Amuck, the 2006 Universal, the 1984 EMObile, and the 2009 Chevy Enviro.

Name: Car Spree Victim
Actor: John Nielsen
Found: Season 5: Episode 36
About: A man seemingly compelled to buy multiple cars for any price. He was seen in a commercial for “Mister Eye's Car Spree” doing just that.

Name: Catherine of Aragon
Actor: Johännah Larsen (voice)
Found: Season 5: Episode 39
About: Henry VIII's nagging first wife. She had a daughter, but was unable (or unwilling) to give birth to a male heir for Henry, to his frustration. She told Henry to get her a horse because “the pope said he had to.” Her needling led Henry to take the advice of Random Reporter Guy, and divorce her.

Name: Catwoman
Actor: Johännah Larsen
Found: Season 6: Episode 44
About: The seductive villainess, as seen in a Meaning of Life segment.

Name: Caution Tape Guy
Actor: Nathan Clark
Found: Season 1: Episode 3
About: Weirdest Link contestant during its first episode. Completely insane with homicidal tendencies, he ends up becoming the host but quickly gives the job up to a fellow contestant, Accident Prone Guy. At the end of the show, however, he murders all the contestants, and is presumably incarcerated somewhere---hopefully heavily medicated.

Name: Cell Phone Defense Attorney
Actor: Jeremy White
Found: Season 2: Episode 11
About: The attorney for the defense in Judge Julie’s episode “The Case of the Cell Phones.” He worked to prove that his client, Hugh Grant (an FBI agent), was not responsible for the short term memory loss suffered by the plaintiff, Virginia Griffin. Despite his efforts, the voting public (in charge of the verdict) decided not to award either party in the case, and a mistrial was declared by Judge Julie.

Name: Cell Phone Prosecutor
Actor: Joseph Chapman
Found: Season 2: Episode 11
About: The prosecuting attorney in Judge Julie’s episode “The Case of the Cell Phones.” He worked to prove that his client, Virginia Griffin, had suffered short term memory loss (which she had)---though exactly how was in dispute. Despite his efforts, the voting public (in charge of the verdict) decided not to award either party in the case, and a mistrial was declared by Judge Julie.

Name: Charles Chewkotay
Actor: Kyle Kertay
Found: Season 7: Episode 51; Season 8: Episode 57
About: The first captain of the Conglomeration Starship “Epitaph,” Chewkotay has a thirst for adventure and the unknown, and his enthusiasm frequently inspires his crew to achieve great things in deep space. After many series of adventures with his crew, Chewkotay led the ship into the Unknownth Sector to drop off some peaceful Koosh alien ambassadors on Planet Tacomabydos. While the rest of the crew minded the ship, Chewkotay, along with doctor Linda Coy, science officer Marcus Fax, and helmsman Quinn Versailles, went on the away mission to drop off the ambassadors. However, disaster struck when the nefarious Whorg aliens beamed to the planet's surface and ensnared the ship in a forced field, preventing anyone from beaming back. While Fax and Chewkotay sought the source of the interference locally, Versailles was incapacitated by the Whorg and Linda was captured completely, soon succumbing to their ways and becoming assimilated. Linda immediately used her wiles on Chewkotay (a man known to be something of an interstellar lothario anyway), and converted him as well. With the captain and doctor beamed back to the Whorg ship, they sent one final message to their former crew warning them not to try and stop them as the Whorg dominated the galaxy. Thanks to quick thinking from Scuttlebutt and Commander Oray, the Epitaph escaped the Whorg ship, though their engines were damaged. Conglomeration brass soon ordered Clark Lurk to replace Charles as acting captain of the Epitaph. As of now, Linda and Charles are still amongst the Whorg.

Name: Chef Wawhosamitz (AKA: Dr. Robitussin)
Actor: Julia Cleary
Found: Season 5: Episode 35; Season 6: Presidential
About: Guest on the fifth episode of “The Rear View” with Starla Simmons. She was Oprah Winfrey's chef until an incident involving apple pie got her fired and banned from being a chef. She was also previously a presidential chef. Declining to tell her story on Oprah's show, she instead went to Starla, a fact that amused Simmons to no end. Despite Starla's mistaken thoughts, she is NOT a doctor. Enjoys cooking most things (except sea lobsters). She confesses to being deathly afraid of Starla Simmons, who believes she has the ability to teleport (though she doesn't).

Name: Chief Lars Benedict
Actor: John Nielsen
Found: Season 1: Episode 7
About: Despite being police chief in his district for a decade, he still needs more training (or is losing his touch, one of the two). He is one of the primary forces in the fight against illegal candy dealing, but he is nearly bested by one of the dealers in a scuffle. Interviewed by news correspondent Joseph Chapman. Years later Starla Simmons tells her viewers she saw a news report saying Benedict had been shot to death while playing his GameBoy.

Name: Chief Walks-to-Walmart
Actor: John Nielsen
Found: Season 7: PDA 4
About: Angry about the, um, “white man” and all their injustices to his people, Chief Walks-to-Walmart finally speaks out. For his troubles, the chief receives the “symbolism of a casino” from Wilma Carrington with the county's blessing for his tribe to open one of their own at last. The chief also makes and sells shirts.

Name: Chilton Blazer (AKA: Calairo the Defensive)
Actor: Michael Cunningham
Found: Season 6: Episode 48
About: Respected demonologist who had infamously tried to breed demon-sniffing dogs on numerous occasions. A friend of Lor Crawford, the demon-hunter, Chilton was a constant source of advice and information. Unfortunately, during his studies he dug too deep, and became the host to a powerful demon known as Calairo the Defensive, whose mystical shield had turned up recently in the homeland of the explorer Safari Jim. Under Calairo's power, Chilton aimed to misdirect Lor, giving him false leads to the location of the demon gate Lor wished to nullify. When Lor discovered the truth, Chilton was forced to attack his friend with unholy powers. Thanks to Lor's gift for demonic banishment, Calairo was expelled from the earth, but unfortunately, Chilton died with him, or at the very least, his body was never recovered.

Name: Cho Parr
Actor: Joey Cleary
Found: Season 4: Episode 31
About: Lumberjack of “Eastern” descent. Cho has a limited grasp of the English language, but gets his point across quite nicely: he will not tolerate hippies or anyone else who seeks to stop him from using trees for lumber. Interviewed by Joseph Chapman during a closeup on trees, Cho later took part in a forum debate on the topic as well. You no like? You fire!

Name: Chris Steere
Actor: (As Himself)
Found:
About: Chris's reporter persona---he was recently appointed the Sports Junk anchor. Likes “anchor-hos.”

Name: CID Drinker #1
Actor: Kyle Noon
Found: Season 6: Episode 43
About: This sad guy recently had his girlfriend dump him for another girl. Drank the “Comfort in Death” beverage as sold by Cobblepot. Predictably, he died instantly.

Name: CID Drinker #2
Actor: Ryan Wheeler
Found: Season 6: Episode 43
About: Despite his fear of Cobblepot, this guy drank the “Comfort in Death” beverage the British man was selling, and laughed himself to death.

Name: Clark Lurk
Actor: Tylor Stepp
Found: Season 8: Episode 58
About: Clark Lurk is the second captain to take command of the Conglomeration Starship “Epitaph.” After a surprise attack on the ship by the evil Whorg aliens left the Epitaph with damaged engines, not to mention the fact that the Whorg abducted the first captain, Charles Chewkotay, and the ship's doctor, Linda Coy, Conglomeration brass quickly ordered Captain Lurk to take over the post, sending him on a shuttle immediately with Erin Moon, another new crew member. Considering the brass passed over the Epitaph's existing second-in-command, Spark Oray, for the position of captain, Clark had his work cut out for him fitting in, though all-in-all he seems well-liked enough by the rest of the crew thus far. When Clark was a child, an incident with banana-aliens left him traumatized and afraid of the color yellow---one of many possible quirks though he hasn't let it hold him back. Not much is known about any of his previous command posts, if any, but given his surprise over the yellow uniforms worn by some of his crew, it is implied that somehow he got promoted from cadet straight to Captain, thus never having to wear that color. As captain of the ship, he is not quite as confident as his predecessor, however he did prove himself almost immediately, with his first mission to Lushious III putting himself in the line of fire just to secure an engine part for the ship, which he did successfully.

Name: Classmate #1
Actor: Holly Janka
Found: Season 2: PDA
About: She got properly vaccinated, and can now make out with one or more of her classmates without fear of infection (and look how happy she is!)

Name: Classmate #2
Actor: Emily Felt
Found: Season 2: PDA
About: She got properly vaccinated, and can now make out with one or more of her classmates without fear of infection (and look how happy she is!)

Name: Clawie McDonnie
Actor: Ryan Wheeler
Found: Season 3: Episode 24
About: A small child having a birthday party with his siblings Susie, Billy, and Neddy (apparently they all have the same birthday). His mother invites two Postbusters members, Blacky and Radon, to entertain at the party, but the kids are not impressed.

Name: Cleopatra
Actor: Julia Cleary
Found: Season 5: Episode 39
About: Yes, it's the Queen of the Nile. After her eleven-year-old brother-husband died (at her hands), she had no one to be “fertile” with but the Nile itself… until Random Reporter Guy came along and taught her how to have sex with “everyone.” It was due to his influence that she became so famous and influential.

Name: Clinical Drug Specialist
Actor: Rodger Fickel
Found: Season 2: Episode 9
About: Doles out the medication at the mental health facility where Commander Toothfairy and Harry Potter are patients. The Kindly Psychiatrist consults him on Harry's case (which is, of course, the fact that he believes he is Harry Potter), and eventually gets the dreaded “yellow pill” from him. This guy may as well be a candy dealer with a license.

Name: Cobblepot
Actor: Joey Cleary
Found: Season 5: Episode 36; Season 6: Episode 42, 43
About: Nigh-unintelligible British spokesperson. He is seen selling SadSadBoy76's “Sad Sad Album,” a C80 compilation album supposedly filled with songs so sad “you'll cry yourself to death.” He later hosted a larger segment all his own, which featured all sorts of products---from joke-telling face-aliens to toothpaste to chili, from macaroni to Legal Age. The fact that several of his guests died, some in fact dying in his arms because of his own actions, did not damper Cobblepot's spirits in the least. He has apparently also starred in several movies. Jolly in all his dealings, Cobblepot is a man we have likely not seen the last of.

Name: Cokey
Actor: John Nielsen
Found: Season 3: Episode 23
About: A criminal who was presumably sent to prison on drug charges, earning him the name Cokey amongst his fellow inmates. While in prison, he made friends with Martha Stewart, and considers himself one of her cult followers. Cokey enjoys needlepoint, which Martha taught him during her sentence, and maintains that “needles have many uses in prison.” While being interviewed with his fellow inmates Skinner, Smokey, Hob-Nob, and the Genie by news correspondent Joseph Chapman, Cokey and his friends hatched a plan to escape---then ambushed the warden, and instigated a massive jailbreak. Cokey is still at large, and is probably somewhere in the proximity of Martha.

Name: Commander Toothfairy
Actor: Michael Cunningham
Found: Season 2: Episode 9
About: A mental patient in the same cellblock as Harry Potter, suffering from the delusion that he is an invisible tooth fairy. The harsher of the two Psychiatrists working at the facility attempts to change his world view in a big way, but it doesn't seem to have done much good.

Name: Concierge
Actor: Brian Wise
Found: Season 2: PDA
About: Concierge at the Eastside Hotel. In charge of towels and such. Plagued by the Pygmy-Back Nielsen infestation until Bonanza Bridget clears it up.

Name: Confuzzler, The
Actor: Will
Found: Season 2: Episode 15, 16; Season 3: Episode 17, 22; Season 4: Episode 26, 30; Season 6: Episode 43
About: His origins are unknown, and much of his nature is equally hidden. What is most apparent about the Confuzzler is his penchant for riddles. He has a riddle for every situation, and enjoys stumping people with them. He was first sought out at the Edge of the World by Hezedipapa, who convinced him to join her World Domination Squad. Despite the fact that he thought they were heroes at first, he joined, so long as he could make more riddles. When Lawful Good became Anarchy Lad and joined the Squad, it was the Confuzzler's riddles that gave him an identity. When the Orb Crafter took back everyone's powers, the Confuzzler was unaffected due to his 'power' not deriving from any orbs---though the realization of his ordinary nature deeply disturbed the man. Almost immediately after, Deficiency Boy and Capable Lad defeated him with a volley of puns, and he woke up with amnesia, becoming a pizza delivery boy. Later he reunited with Anarchy Lad, who helped him remember his identity, and it was riddle time once more. Upon Gorb Crafter's appearance, the Confuzzler realized that being evil wasn't working out so well for him, and left on a personal quest to find out how a raven is like a writing desk. The Confuzzler later returned from his quest at the climactic showdown between the heroes and villains at the Cave housing the Wizard's lost powers, and though he grouped himself with the villains, he also enigmatically attempted to help the Wizard recover his powers before vanishing completely. What the Confuzzler found, and what became of him, might be the greatest riddle of all, but worry not---he is still out there, somewhere.

Name: Conrad
Actor: Ryan Wheeler
Found: Season 4: Episode 27
About: John Johnson's personal assistant---or at least he was, until he forgot to tell the news anchor that he missed his chance to appear in C80 Season 3. Upon hearing this, John Johnson angrily fires Conrad, who is devastated (and too poor to afford shoes).

Name: Couch Jenkins
Actor: Ryan Wheeler
Found: Season 3: Episode 24
About: One of the many mutant mailmen sent by Steevo the Postarian to destroy the Postbusters. He attempts to ambush the team, but is hit with about five traps, and is defeated.

Name: Count Bitey McSkull
Actor: A skull
Found: Season 3: Episode 22
About: An associate of Death. Count Bitey McSkull is a human skull. It mostly just sits there. Oftentimes Death will talk to him, but if he ever responds, no one else is able to hear it.

Name: Count Drixon
Actor: Michael Cunningham
Found: Season 6: Episode 41
About: First, it was thought that Drixon was a wicked vampire, who went around attacking members of the Bonanza family (first Bridget, whom he killed, and then Bob, who escaped) and telling people how to vote. When he went after Bonanza Bade, Bob’s butler Dinky and Safari Jim joined forces with Drixon’s target to defeat the vampire. They then unmasked him and it was revealed that he was actually Bade’s cousin, the last surviving sibling of the Bonanza twins Bill and Ben, who died several years ago. When Bill and Ben died, “Drixon” inherited their wealth, and greedy for more, he sought the entire Bonanza fortune. Unfortunately for him, he failed, but retains all the wealth the inside of a cell can provide.

Name: Cowck
Actor: Michael Cunningham
Found: Season 6: Episode 42
About: Featured in a segment with Cobblepot, in which he helped show off a product called “Fog,” which apparently is used to contain fog, specifically in London. This, like many things, was to Cobblepot’s absolute delight. As for Cowck, other than owning a can of fog he seemed fairly normal.

Name: Cracker the Cracker
Actor: Amber Feldmen
Found: Season 1: Episode 2
About: Contestant on “Who Wants to be a Marmoset.” She didn't win.

Name: Crafty Middle-Eastern Vegetarian Lesbian Holly
Actor: Holly Janka
Found: Season 2: Episode 12
About: Co-hosts Cooking Corner Episode Yellow with Joseph Chapman, and of course, her fellow lesbian, Lily. Enjoys cuddling after making cuddled eggs.

Name: Crafty Middle-Eastern Vegetarian Lesbian Lily
Actor: Lily Nisbet
Found: Season 2: Episode 12
About: Co-hosts Cooking Corner Episode Yellow with Joseph Chapman, and of course, her fellow lesbian, Holly. Thinks cuddled eggs are perfect to cuddle with.

Name: Crazed Nematode
Actor: Michael Cunningham
Found: Season 1: Episode 6
About: Super-Slow Reaction Man's persona in the illusory world projected by Bad Guy to trick Farm Lad. Fond of salt and wears a metallic hat. Hopes to seek the “wizard of odd.” [See also: Super-Slow Reaction Man]

Name: Crazy Co-ed
Actor: Johännah Larsen
Found: Season 3: Episode 17
About: One of Death's ditzy Spring Break dancers. She reveals that she loves taking part in the show because it gives her a break from her “crazy co-ed lifestyle.” The party ends for her, however, when Swiss Rolls comes in and guns her down. Death mourns her loss, and uses the soul-stealing dance to take what's rightfully his now.

Name: Creeksurfer
Actor: Nathaniel Woodley
Found: Season 6: Episode 41
About: No one is sure why this man was trying to surf in a creek---perhaps he was driven to commit a crime by the fact that the Surfing Mystic has begun committing evil acts himself. Perhaps he was just bored. But what we do know is that he was caught on “Securitiez” by Officers Wibbens and Burnowski, who hauled him into the station and confiscated his surfboard.

Name: Crystal Ball
Actor: Emily Loberg
Found: Season 7: Episode 53
About: An oracle as wise as she is cryptic. When the Linear Sequence rose for a third time to try and use its math to destroy all life, those who opposed the Sequence found themselves consulting her prophecies to help decide their fates. Are we telling you that you have to choose between life and math? No, you've already made the choice. Now you have to choose the choice. Crystal Ball, ever wise, is content to sit back and let her 'clients' sort out their own fates. During the struggle, she provided advice to Infinity, Doze, More4us, Sahara, Rat, and of course, Dodge Neo. She also gave a truckload of colored pills to Doze to ease his worries (or just to watch him overdose---he already made the choice, after all).

Name: Curator, The
Actor: Kyle Kertay
Found: Season 4: Episode 27; Season 5: Episode 34; Season 8: Episode 59
About: The curator of a famous historical museum, this ancient woman is so dedicated to her craft that she is known only by the name of her job. She is unimaginably, perhaps even unnaturally, old. Often seen forgetting where she is and what she is talking about, she demonstrates a fierce love of putting things in museums. She is the first guest on the first episode of “The Rear View,” and is interviewed by Starla Simmons---who later invites her back in a joint interview with her son on the fourth episode of the same show. Despite being an upstanding and conservative woman, the Curator does have something of a checkered past, and counts Richard the librarian, someone named “Fredericka,” and Sharon Stone amongst her children conceived OUT of wedlock (though she did marry Richard's father). Her first husband was the famous Freud McNingling, who started the world's largest “museum chain.” With Freud, she had her neurotic son, Richard, who has also appeared on The Rear View. The Curator's fifth husband was Danny Glover, and she raised Oprah Winfrey, but beyond that, much of her past is shaded in mystery. Lor Crawford, a demon-hunter, once told of a legend in which a woman very much resembling the Curator banished a plague-demon from the body of Leonardo Da Vinci in the year 1515. Often forgets to wear a bra. Her favorite word is probably “artifact,” followed by “museum.” Her son, Richard, has said that she ages “twice as fast as time flows” and that she may be “older than the universe.”

Name: Cut-Board Guy #1
Actor: Joseph Chapman
Found: Season 4: Episode 27, 30, 32; Season 5: Episode 34, 35; Season 6: Episode 46, 47; Season 7: Episode 49; Season 8: Episode 59
About: The guy who decides when to cut, what to cut to, and how, on every episode of “The Rear View” with Starla Simmons except the third one. After Oprah bombed Starla's house and the show moved to the bomb shelter studio, he stayed hidden off-camera for a while, but once things cleared up, he came out of hiding again in time for the “We Film in Your House Contest.”

Name: Cut-Board Guy #2
Actor: Tom Howe
Found: Season 4: Episode 32
About: The guy that decides when to cut, and what to cut to, on the third episode of “The Rear View” with Starla Simmons. He goes a little overboard and is removed from production.

Name: Cutter
Actor: Nathan Gneckow
Found: Season 5: Episode 35
About: Member of a cult of Martha Stewart worshippers, Cutter is an escaped inmate. After fellow cult member Skinner was busted out of prison by Martha and the Genie, Skinner recruited Cutter into the group. An eager follower, he is fanatic in his belief of Martha. Working with Skinner, he tried to obtain the Anubis Statue for Martha, as it had the ability to judge souls. Not the brightest guy, he failed to kill Philadelphia Jones several times in combat. During a battle over control of the statue, he grabbed the wrong “Anubis” out of three possible choices, and was instantly killed (he picked Frankenstein, for the record).

Name: Cypress the Wise
Actor: John Nielsen
Found: Season 5: Preview Special; Season 6: Episode 48
About: A self-proclaimed psychic that appeared as a contestant on the third episode of “Weirdest Link.” Though he believes that fellow psychic Mr. Cleo is “a scam,” Cypress's own psychic abilities were put into question when he failed to answer many of the questions correctly, later getting voted out of the game. He had a real problem with fellow contestant Tommy Jason, who was possessed by the demon “Fercano the Thrifty,” which Cypress proclaimed “did not belong on this mortal plane.” Two years later, Cypress was drawn to the Cave of Grrraaassshhh by the psychic remnants left from the Wizard's battle there, and was approached by Lor Crawford, a demon-hunter. Giving an honest-to-god psychic reading, Cypress divulged to Lor the true location of the demon gate the latter was seeking. Saying work had been slow, Cypress hoped to be hired for some card tricks at birthday parties soon.

Name: Dädder Frampton
Actor: Kyle Noon
Found: Season 7: Episode 54, 55
About: The father of Sally Frampton (better known as Farm Lass), Dädder is a farmer with his eye constantly on the bottom line---unless he's wearing his glasses and can't see. When a valuable NutriaGrain bar and an Egg of Neutrality were stolen from his farm by Duplicity Man, Dädder at first accused SSRM and Lawful Good of the theft, before the two superheroes offered to help him track down the real culprit. Upon confronting the villains, DM and Kalmundo Rifkin, it was revealed that his daughter Sally could command the farm animals to her will, something that surprised and deeply disturbed Dädder. He allowed her to become Farm Lass, the new sidekick of SSRM, but was soon thereafter convinced to regret his decision by Thaddius Morten, and thus did Dädder join the forces of Duplicity Man. It wasn't long before Dädder completely altered his business from farming to weapons manufacture, with exploding squash becoming his specialty. He followed Kalmundo and Thaddius to the forest where the superheroes had gone to face the former, hoping to sway his daughter once more. When it became clear that Farm Lass no longer saw eye to eye with her father, he wasted no time in coldly attempting to blow her sky high.

Name: Dale Danvers
Actor: Jeremy White
Found: Season 8: Episode 61
About: This contestant on the fourth installment of “Weirdest Link” is a patron of the fine arts---namely, dance! He thought about going to some sort of royal ballet school in his youth, but instead he studied under the future Riverdancing Mystic, Boogie Boy, who from birth possessed only the power of mesmerizingly BAD dancing. Not knowing this, Dale studied for some time under Boogie Boy before his instructor fell on hard times and got hired as the sidekick of some wanker named Anarchy Lad. As for Dale, having failed at becoming a successful dancer, “barely an aerobics instructor” was as close as he could get. He went on the game show, but was voted out, and also possibly dosed with chemicals by fellow player Anthony Rex.

Name: Damon Daemon
Actor: Michael Cunningham
Found: Season 6: Episode 41
About: The drummer and founding member of the band “Fajita Demon,” which was formed two months prior to the 2007 Battle of the Bands. Damon is a gruff man with homicidal and suicidal tendencies that lead vocalist Danny Hormann-Figniggle doesn’t actually remember hiring. After losing the Battle of the Bands to Toxic Mayonnaise, a band with decades more experience than theirs, Damon and Fajita Demon are probably still playing sets in dive bars somewhere. Prototype names for “Fajita Demon” included “Anti-Oxidant Biscuit,” “Purple Mayonnaise,” and “Cheez-Whiz For Your Deez-Whiz.”

Name: Dana McRaina
Actor: Laura Finch
Found: Season 3: Episode 18
About: This mild-mannered woman was just minding her own business one day, getting out of her car, when suddenly the mail she'd put on the top of the car started flying about, attacking her. Frightened, she called the Postbusters for assistance, and they took the case. While the Postbusters were busy taking care of postal evil around town, Dana was turned into an envelope by Pozer the Posterian. Upon the defeat of the Postmaster General, Dana returned to human form, and is living quietly somewhere, having filed a restraining order against Suck Vacuum for hitting on her one too many times. Sister of Elaina McRaina and auntie to little Bologna.

Name: Dander
Actor: Joseph Chapman
Found: Season 6: Episode 42
About: Featured in a segment with Cobblepot, this well-read man came to show off a product he thinks the British need: Phantom Fluoride brand toothpaste, which Cobblepot samples immediately---unaware of a recall of the toothpaste by health officials in China. Still, other than being “haunted” by the flavor, Cobblepot seemed okay---and Dander rushed off to research more side effects.

Name: Dani Bahr
Actor: (As Herself)
Found: Season 1: Jugendherberge; Season 2: Episode 10
About: Dani as herself. The protagonist of German-speaking sagas and one enthusiastic dancer.

Name: Daniel
Actor: Kyle Kertay
Found: Season 2: PDA
About: One of Gertie's friends. He believes in her and wants her to stop spending all her time dating the Linear Sequence.

Name: Daniel Clark
Actor: (As Himself)
Found:
About: Candid hosting, interviews, or nefarious plotting---this is Daniel's reporter persona.

Name: Danny Hormann-Figniggle
Actor: Joey Cleary
Found: Season 6: Episode 41
About: The lead vocalist and founding member of the band “Fajita Demon,” which was formed two months prior to the 2007 Battle of the Bands. Danny is a laid-back European, who doesn’t seem to mind the notion of competing against Toxic Mayonnaise, a band with decades more experience than him. After losing the Battle of the Bands, Danny and Fajita Demon are probably still playing sets in dive bars somewhere. Prototype names for “Fajita Demon” included “Anti-Oxidant Biscuit,” “Purple Mayonnaise,” and “Cheez-Whiz For Your Deez-Whiz.”

Name: Dan the Weatherman
Actor: Daniel Clark
Found: Season 1: Episode 2
About: Host of a Useless Weather segment.

Name: Darkham Warden/Janitor
Actor: Josh Adelman
Found: Season 6: Episode 44
About: Joining the staff of Darkham Asylum in 1997 as a janitor, this young man found himself quite well-liked by the head of the institution at the time, Donnie Darkham. However, Vice-Mayor Randall ensured that Lauren Arabia would inherit the asylum after Donnie's death (and she did, for one whole day). Under the leadership of Doorstop, the Darkham Janitor became Warden and looks after the patients.

Name: Darth Don
Actor: Jeremy White
Found: Season 4: Episode 29; Season 6: Episode 45
About: Vinny Vidi Vici’s boss, a don in the mafia. He is completely incomprehensible. Orders a hit on Sailor Moon, and when it is fulfilled, allows Vinny to go on vacation. Though in his old age the don prefers to have Vinny around to help run “business,” he is competent enough to handle things in his absence. It was later revealed that Darth Don was the head of the Syndicate of international crime lords, whose members included Ned Farious, Yakuza, O'Malley, Bernard Crocker, Downy the Freshly Laundered Russian, Ex-Vice President Nathaniel Cookies Nathaien, and the Pope at some point or another. When a plot was hatched to finally assassinate President Wee, the Don was behind it. However, he wasn't able to realize that Downy was a mole, and he was killed by the Russian while cheating at pool. Darth Don's death, as well as the earlier defections of Farious, Downy, and Yakuza, the betrayal of Nathaien, as well as the deaths of O'Malley and Crocker, helped unravel the Syndicate once and for all.

Name: Death [See also: Donald Heath]
Actor: Jeremy White
Found: Season 1: Episode 8; Season 2: Episode 10, 12; Season 3: Episode 17, 22; Season 5: Episode 39, 40; Season 6: Episode 42, 43; Season 8: Episode 61
About: All the responsibility and very little of the power… always just a step behind you… that's Death. Yes, it's him---The Grim Reaper, the Lord of the Underworld, the Harbinger of Your Doom. Killing people and collecting their souls was an easy job for Death----until the day he met that infuriating detective, Swiss Rolls, who accused Death's pet dragon, Bitsy, of eating the plot. Death knew that this was nonsense, but getting disentangled from Swiss Rolls wasn't as easy as he'd hoped. The Reaper took a quick sabbatical to check in on one of his associates, the Salem Gypsy, and in doing so gained a new sidekick: Monkey. After this, Death went on to meet Bethany, a girl whom he tried to show what life would be like without her in it (and also get a date with her friend Mandy), in hopes of getting promoted to that coveted office with a window. Well, Death failed, and failed again to take the soul of a recently deceased martial artist (getting beat out by a meddling insurance company). Demoted, Death was shamefully forced into hosting a brainless Spring Break dance show---where he met Swiss Rolls again, only this time, the detective had been hired to stop Spring Break for one anti-social student. Converting the show's producer Derek into his mindless slave, Doorstop, Death battled Swiss Rolls and ended undoubtedly more lives than were necessary. During the scuffle, Swiss Rolls stole a valuable idol, the Idol of Osh-Kosh B'gosh, and later used it to taunt Death and his new assistants, Count Bitey McSkull and the Accountant of Evil. Much to Death's fury, God still refused to promote him until he got the Idol back, so he once again battled Swiss Rolls. After finally achieving his promotion, Death got his office with a window. He and Deficiency Boy served as the legal defense team at the hearing for The Wizard--deciding whether or not the latter would get his powers back. Recently he once again battled Swiss Rolls and was betrayed by Doorstop, before going apartment-selling with the Salem Gypsy. After the Gypsy's destruction, Death laid low, likely occupied soon after dealing with all the destruction caused by the Wizard getting his powers back. He was later spied topside by Dingorius Dongway, the crime scene investigator, with a new partner in tow: Doorjamb. According to Death, his new undergarments keep Swiss Rolls at bay to the tune of a minimum fifty miles.

Name: Deceased Ninja
Actor: Kyle Kertay
Found: Season 2: Episode 12
About: A ninja whose nunchaku swung out of control, causing his demise. Death swooped in to take his soul, but was pre-empted by that meddler, Ditech. The ninja was swayed into signing a contract with Ditech that would reincarnate him as an invertebrate. Death is not pleased.

Name: Deckland Pierce
Actor: Jordan White
Found: Season 8: Episode 57, 58
About: Corporal Deckland Pierce is a crew member aboard the Conglomeration starship “Epitaph.” His home planet was destroyed by aliens, and at first he served aboard the Epitaph in an assistant capacity to the ship's doctor, Linda Coy. However, even with his training incomplete, when Captain Chewkotay and Dr. Coy were both abducted by the nefarious Whorg and assimilated while exploring Sector Unknownth, Deckland was abruptly promoted to the primary medical officer aboard the ship, exchanging his yellow stripes for green ones. Despite his inexperience, Deckland continues to expand his skillset, even healing wounds suffered by Quinn Versailles and the ship's new captain, Clark Lurk, when they were attacked on Lushious III by the indigenous lifeforms there. Pierce gets along with most members of the crew, though he especially idolizes Commander Spark Oray, and enjoys bothering Chief Engineer Scuttlebutt in his engine room.

Name: Deficiency Boy (AKA: Manfraud Dueller, Duplicity Man) [see also: Duplicity Man]
Actor: John Nielsen
Found: Season 1: Episode 6; Season 2: Episode 9, 12, 13, 14, 15; Season 3: Episode 17, 22; Season 4: Episode 26, 30; Season 5: Episode 34, 37, 39; Season 6: Episode 43; Season 7: Episode 50, 54, 55; Season 8: Episode 60
About: The evil Mandread Crueller sought to use the Cloning Sphere to create an evil copy of Farm Lad, however, due to an error from his henchman, Gordo, Mandread himself sat on the Cloning Sphere and was cloned---and Manfraud Dueller, his innocent clone, was born. Initially trained by his clone-father to be evil, Manfraud was counseled by Porcu-duck to become good instead, and sought the help of Super-Slow Reaction Man. In the many battles that ensued, Manfraud switched sides many times, though he tried hard to remain good. Narrowly escaping a death at the hands of the Silent Narrator, Manfraud went into seclusion, eventually traveling to the Township of Schwartz. There, he bought the Shard of Chewagumabar from a soldier, and when he grasped it, he became the superhero Deficiency Boy! He was soon met with a new enemy, Hezedipapa, who held his clone-father's Globe of Milkish Freakyness. Hezedipapa used the Globe to turn DB into a dark version of himself: Duplicity Man (whose chief desire is always to overthrow the world's governments using breakfast). With Lawful Good's help, Deficiency Boy became good again. In his ensuing travels, he has battled Mr. Eye, Hezedipapa's World Domination Squad, Anarchy Lad's Minions of Strife, and his own dark side. He has allied himself with Captain Obvious, the Orb Crafter, and the Kayaking Mystic---and has even become a Mystic himself. Capable Lad became Deficiency Boy's first sidekick until he became Meth Lad, reverted, and was sent on a quest far, far away. During the interim, Deficiency Boy's sidekick is The Wizard, and his adventures continue to take him to exciting places… most recently, DB was tricked by his dark side, Duplicity Man, into splitting into separate entities… he was trained as a Mystic by SSRM, and finally, served with Death as the legal defense team for The Wizard at his hearing. On the quest to restore the Wizard's powers, DB discovered a power of his own, finally awakening his Mystic abilities. Alas, the second half of the prophecy told of on the tablet given to the Wizard by Death and Noah could not be avoided---with the Wizard empowered, and the New Orb Crafter awakened, the orbs went dark due to a Crafter Stalemate. It was, it seemed, Deficiency Boy's destiny to undo this. Given a key to the Crafter garden by Nooby, DB entered amidst the face off between the Orb and Gorb Crafters, and used his own body, made from the orbs' own power, to sacrifice himself and seal the Gorb Crafter in her own Golden Orb, thus ending the stalemate and returning the world to balance. Destroyed except for his T-shirt, DB was gone… until SSRM and Lawful Good were able to recover the Cloning Sphere from Duplicity Man. Using the Sphere on the shirt, they were able to bring back Deficiency Boy, who was then entrusted with the Cloning Sphere's safety. Soon after, DB and friends were faced with the triple threat of Thaddius Morten, Kalmundo, and Dädder Frampton in the forest. After a heated battle, the sides parted with none the true victor---though DB discovered his power to heal others, which he put to immediate use. DB continues to travel with SSRM and new friends Farm Lass and Lucky Twitch.

Name: Dehydrated Dolly
Actor: Holly Janka
Found: Season 5: Episode 36
About: When her bottle of “Water Classic” ran out, she had no one to turn to… but Water 2! Now she is presumably hydrated again.

Name: Demonobi (AKA: Obi the Shadow)
Actor: Chris Steere
Found: Season 4: Episode 26, 30; Season 5: Episode 39
About: This ninja-demon is from Hell, and works for Lucifer to cover the world in darkness. During the Gorb Crafter's attack on the world, Demonobi appears on earth to assist Anarchy Lad with the final stages of his plan, meeting them in the conquered Garden of Eden. Being on earth seems to have made him a little rusty, though, as his attempts to kill The Wizard and the Orb Crafter with a gas grenade fail (due to there being no actual gas). In Anarchy Lad's hideout, Demonobi fights off Deficiency Boy and The Wizard, but when Anarchy Lad calls a retreat, they flee, and Demonobi returned to Hell. He was later incapacitated by Super-Slow Reaction Man, in order that SSRM could pose as a demon cohort, Demonvader, in his stead. After recovering from that defeat, Demonobi took his place at his mistress' side at The Wizard's hearing, as part of the prosecution. His numerous attempts to assassinate both The Wizard and Deficiency Boy at the hearing were thwarted by God, and Death.

Name: Dental Ninja #1
Actor: Joey Cleary (voiced by John Nielsen)
Found: Season 2: Episode 12
About: In an epic tale relating to both ninjas and dentistry, “Badly Dubbed Foreign Film 2: The Ninja Danced at High Noon,” this white ninja does battle with the second Dental Ninja for honor and cavity-free teeth, but falls in battle. His lips do not match his words, for he is badly dubbed.

Name: Dental Ninja #2
Actor: Kyle Kertay (voiced by Jeremy White)
Found: Season 2: Episode 12
About: In an epic tale relating to both ninjas and dentistry, “Badly Dubbed Foreign Film 2: The Ninja Danced at High Noon,” this honorable ninja does battle with the first Dental Ninja and defeats him, but is stabbed in the back by the third Dental Ninja, and falls in battle. His lips do not match his words, for he is badly dubbed.

Name: Dental Ninja #3
Actor: John Nielsen (voiced by Joey Cleary)
Found: Season 2: Episode 12
About: In an epic tale relating to both ninjas and dentistry, “Badly Dubbed Foreign Film 2: The Ninja Danced at High Noon,” this ninja enters the fray after the fall of the first Dental Ninja, doing battle with the second. Faking a pacifist nature, he achieves victory by stabbing his opponent in the back. His lips do not match his words, for he is badly dubbed.

Name: Desperate Coach
Actor: Manfred Mueller
Found: Season 2: Episode 9
About: This desperate, sickly man wandered into a junkyard one day and found his salvation: Sea-Triscuit, a box of crackers that he KNEW he could train to win races. But, taking Sea-Triscuit to the racetracks, he was mocked and humiliated, but did not give up. Despite all odds, with barbs of doubt from all sides, he trained Sea-Triscuit to be the best he could be, so that both of them could finally live a full and happy life. Tragically, though Sea-Triscuit did win its final race against its rival, the cup, it died doing so. The Coach then discovered Sea-Triscuit's secret, and gave the honorable cracker-box a burial at sea, and moved on with his life, knowing he'd lost a true friend he would always love.

Name: Dexter Krose
Actor: Michael Cunningham
Found: Season 7: Episode 52
About: A guest-host of an episode of “Cooking Corner.” Dexter tells us that he IS the muffin man, though further evidence remains to be seen. He helps Sue Krose and the host Joseph Chapman bake up a delightful muffin-thing.

Name: Dingorius Dongway (AKA: Ding Dong)
Actor: Jordan White
Found: Season 7: Episode 52, 56; Season 8: Episode 61
About: This expert crime scene investigator is a new breed of detective, using things like “evidence” and “facts” to convict criminals. With these skills, Dingorius aimed to give old-school detective Swiss Rolls a run for his money, but ironically the two ended up becoming friends, so Ding Dong accompanied Rolls on his vacation to England. However, when Ding Dong heard over the CB radio (through a bug Rolls planted on MacGunda) that Inspector Jeu le Deu was on a case in France, the two utilized Swiss Rolls's submarine-car to span the English Channel and forced themselves on the case. Together, Jeu le Deu, MacGunda, Ding Dong and Swiss Rolls put their heads together and solved the mystery of a missing French jewel and a nefarious ambassador from Luxembourg. Once Dingorius was done with Swiss Rolls, he returned to the Village of Weiß where he resumed his position as head of a crime scene investigating unit known as “Crime Scene Interlopers.” Joined by Libby, his lab tech, and soon ex-politician Frank Marconi, Ding Dong set out to solve the case of who was trying to kill rapper Fifty Six---and then, who DID kill rapper Fifty Six. In the end, however, her death was faked, and Ding Dong was happy to wash his fingerprint-free hands of it. Not long after, Ding Dong and his team found themselves solving a drive-by muting, followed by the high-profile murder of Ronald Rump, who in this case HAD actually been murdered. During a run-in with Death amidst the Rump case, it was revealed that Dingorius is in reality the cousin of Swiss Rolls despite not being the detective's biggest fan.

Name: Dinky
Actor: Joey Cleary
Found: Season 4: Episode 31; Season 6: Episode 41, 42
About: This very proper British butler is the newest assistant to Bonanza Bob, the adventurer. Called in by the Mayan Queen to get her half of the broken Idol of Zurukan back, Dinky and Bob soon found out that it wouldn’t be so simple. After a showdown or two, eventually Bob and Dinky defect to the King’s side, forcing the Queen to hire another explorer, Vinerita Amazon-Yoder-Schmidt. Dinky is often referred to as Bob’s “slave” and can be found giving him (as well as Safari Jim and the Mayan King) piggyback rides. Some time after the first run-in with Safari Jim, Dinky found him teaming up with the explorer again, this time to hunt Count Drixon, a vampire that had been attacking Bonanza family members, including Bob. His quest took him to the territory of Bonanza Bade and Linky, and the four of them combined were enough to defeat Drixon. Soon after, Dinky was seen solo again, hunting the one-time quarry of Bonanza Bridget, the Pygmy-Backed Nielsen. Very good, sir.

Name: Distraction Jones
Actor: John Nielsen
Found: Season 2: Episode 11
About: One of the many sons of Jennifer Jones and Mr. Jones, owners of the Jones Family Retreat. As one might expect from his first name, he is good at distracting people. Thus, he usually doesn’t help his parents run the family resort, as his presence is deemed too distracting for customers to handle. When pants started killing a large portion of his family, starting at the resort, he was nowhere to be found, of course… but as Ingo Martini and James Hemlock attempted to break into a car and escape the pants at the Canadian border, he used himself as a (somewhat unwilling) distraction, giving them enough time to get away. His sacrifice allowed them to live. Brother to Jim, Paul, Jeb, Canuck, and Tall-Skinny Jones, and cousin to Philadelphia Jones.

Name: Ditech
Actor: Joey Cleary
Found: Season 2: Episode 12
About: For a time, this insurance company agent/heavenly representative(?) began competing with Death for souls. Unfortunately, he was good at his job, and convinced two recently deceased ninjas to sign various contracts with him rather than go with Death. Death not only found this infuriating, but it got him demoted.

Name: Dodge Neo
Actor: Joey Cleary, Nathan Gneckow
Found: Season 1: Episode 6; Season 2: Episode 9; Season 7: Episode 53
About: After going into the bathroom one day, Dodge Neo discovered what they didn't want him to know---that math is evil. With his fellow freedom-fighter, Snooze, at his side, and his cheese-thing-of-justice in his hands, he went up against all the forces of math contained within the obnoxiously wicked Linear Sequence. When Neo and Snooze defeated the Sequence by pulling all the calculators off its face, it came at a high price---the physical appearance of Neo was rebooted. Soon, the Agents of the Sequence, known as Smythe, Sum, and Square, attempted to track down Dodge Neo, Infinity, Snooze and Doze and destroy them once and for all, but they escaped. For the next four years, the fight continued away from the eyes of most of humanity, and not without its losses… Agents Sum and Square were deleted for their failure, and Snooze was killed by Agent Smythe. Eventually, Dodge Neo reloaded his original appearance and gathered his greatest team of fighters yet: Infinity, Doze, Rat, Sahara, and More4us---to fight the new and improved Sequence Agents, Trig, Geo, and Landau. Consulting with the oracle Crystal Ball to determine their fate, Neo learned that “there is some spoon,” though even Crystal Ball couldn't anticipate Agent Smythe's treachery, as the latter betrayed and took over the Sequence's powers. As the rest of the fighters confronted the minor agents, Neo and Smythe faced off for the last time, and with Dodge's victory, finally the world was free of the math program Linear Sequence… as far as we can tell.

Name: Donald Heath [See also: Death]
Actor: Jeremy White
Found: Season 6: Episode 42
About: Donald Heath is the human alias of Death, the Grim Reaper, when he disguises himself as a human---specifically, a real estate agent in cahoots with the infamous Salem Gypsy. After that particular caper failed miserably, it’s unknown whether Death will use this disguise again, but keep an eye out.

Name: Donald McDonald
Actor: Jordan White
Found: Season 4: Episode 32
About: Son of McDonald’s food chain mascot Ronald McDonald, Donald was a guest on the third episode of “The Rear View” with Starla Simmons. Despite wearing colorful clothing, he does not look like a clown, leading us to believe his mother was likely a “normal woman.” Starla asks him various offensive questions, including whether or not he was ever molested by the “Hamburglar.” He, on the other hand, has the gall to put his “goods” on Starla’s backstage without permission. All in all, the interview did not end well.

Name: Don Knotts
Actor: Joey Cleary
Found: Season 4: Episode 32
About: Doesn't quite look like Don Knotts, but is at least possessed by his spirit. Appears on a promo at the end of the third episode of “The Rear View” with Starla Simmons. Looking for Andy (Griffith), and Opie (Ron Howard).

Name: Donna Martini (AKA: Downa Martini)
Actor: Bethany Loberg
Found: Season 2: Episode 11; Season 5: Episode 35
About: This woman, an adventure enthusiast, got far more than she bargained for when she hopped into what she thought to be a taxi in early 2007. It turned out to be the car of the famed archaelogist, Philadelphia Jones. Well, as the producer of an adventure show, Donna was eager to tag along on Philly’s quest for the statue of Anubis---which was also being hunted by a cult of crazed escaped convicts who followed the lead of Martha Stewart. Donna went as far as she could on the adventure, but wasn’t sure it was worth the risk, even for her show, and so bowed out early. Philly, feeling bad for her, told her to visit the resort owned by his aunt, Jennifer Jones. So, later that year, Donna and her brother Ingo find themselves heading for the Jones Family Retreat. Soon after they arrive, something goes horribly wrong and everyone’s pants start rising up and killing the Joneses, starting with Jennifer. Ingo suggests that they get out of town, like in “The Birds,” to be safe, and Donna agrees---but sadly she never makes it past the front yard of the Jones Family Retreat. She and Jeb Jones are overwhelmed by a flock of pants and killed. Her death devastates her brother, Ingo.

Name: Donnie Darkham
Actor: Jordan White
Found: Season 5: Episode 40; Season 6: Episode 44
About: The head of Darkham Asylum in the Village of Ted (until recently). An uncompromising man, Donnie was a harsh master and planned on living forever, so that his assistant, Lauren Arabia, could never take his place. He also decided that Ex-Vice-Mayor Tim would never be released from Darkham. However, as part of a sinister deal, Death assassinated Darkham, making it look like an accident, so Lauren could succeed him as head of the Asylum and release Tim. It was recently revealed that Donnie forged the Key to the City and knew the secret to upgrading it, and that he wished to endorse a Janitor as his replacement ten years before his death, but politics prevented him from choosing the man to succeed him.

Name: Doorbell
Actor: Holly Janka
Found: Season 5: Episode 33
About: Associate of Ex-Vice-Mayor Tim, she does not speak, but rings a bell to communicate instead. Though she keeps company with villains, she doesn't seem to be particularly villainous (except for Vice-Mayor Alan's accusations that the bell she carries belongs to him). Further investigation seems to reveal that Doorbell is actually one of Death's servants, and was merely lent to Tim for the duration of the plot against the Village of Ted's tourism.

Name: Doorjamb
Actor: Tylor Stepp
Found: Season 8: Episode 61
About: Doorjamb is, it seems, a long-time servant of Death. Though in ancient times he likely helped Death on Earth, it seems in modern days he spends most of his time in the underworld somewhere, seeing how as Death went through a revolving door of sidekicks, Doorjamb remained unseen. When Death assassinated Donnie Darkham as part of his deal with Lauren Arabia to put her in charge of the asylum, things got out of hand, and he requested assistance from all his doorfolk---however, only Doorstop showed up, and forgot to bring Doorjamb. It was just as well, because during that conflict, Swiss Rolls convinced Doorstop to betray Death anyway (this may have been more understandable considering Doorstop was originally a human). Doorjamb is unhindered by such attachments and as such is much more loyal, almost an echo of Rolls' own doormat sidekick, Number One. Recently, Doorjamb and Death became marginally involved in the murder investigation of Ronald Rump after being seen both at the crime scene and digging through the trash (the latter being Doorjamb alone) at Rump's company. Questioned by Dingorius Dongway, Doorjamb and Death were quite dismissive of the accusations, and went on their way.

Name: Doormat Prototype (AKA: Welcome Mat)
Actor: Michael Cunningham
Found: Season 1: Episode 8; Season 6: Episode 44
About: Looks like a person, but is in fact a doormat---a doormat belonging to the infamous detective, Swiss Rolls. When Rolls first became a detective, his Doormat was stolen by Vice-Mayor Randall, who attempted to use it to upgrade the Key to the City. Rolls, however, found his Doormat, and then went on to meet Zero, his first assistant. As for the Doormat, it followed along on the quest to find the plot, but in the heat of a slow-speed chase, Burg Larr tossed it from the slow-mobile through Death's windshield (much to the chagrin of both Death and Swiss Rolls). This prototype was later replaced by Number One, a talking doormat-slash-assistant who was much more competent.

Name: Doorstop (AKA: Derek Dyrex)
Actor: Jordan White
Found: Season 3: Episode 17; Season 5: Episode 33, 40
About: After numerous failures, Death was demoted to the not-quite-enviable position of hosting a Spring Break dance show. Derek, unfortunately for him, was the producer of that show. While Death tolerated Derek's line-coaching and meddling for the first part of the show, when Swiss Rolls showed up by request of one of the spring-breakers and shot everyone, it was all over. Derek made the mistake of “interviewing” Death's obelisk, which the Reaper then used to turn Derek into a brainless talking Doorstop. That magic completed, Death was able to pit Doorstop in battle against Swiss Roll's Doormat, Number One. As everyone who has studied cosmic law knows, a doorstop and a doormat can only cancel each other out, so the battle was a draw---and though Death took Doorstop's soul and not Number One's, he has since rectified the error. Sometime later, Doorstop turned up in the Village of Ted with a restored life and an altered memory, looking for Swiss Rolls--clearly the work of Death. However, after that, when Death once again clashed with Swiss Rolls, he called on Doorstop for assistance… but with Number One off on vacation, Doorstop found the door of opportunity open, and he betrayed Death. Joining Swiss Rolls, he helped apprehend Ex-Vice-Mayor Tim and Lauren Arabia, the then-head of Darkham Asylum. With Lauren incarcerated, Doorstop became the new head of Darkham.

Name: Dorgo the Dark Mystic [See also: Bernard Foress]
Actor: Tylor Stepp
Found: Season 8: Episode 60
About: Eons ago, the fall of the ancient Swiss caused the Orb Crafter to entrust several of her creations to the Mystics instead. At a village near the Falls of Power, the central water source, the Orb of Life was entrusted to a Mystic called Dorgo. For a time, Dorgo protected the orb, but eventually tired of being a good little boy. Promising the villagers that he would grant them a great gift with the orb, he instead twisted its power to that of death, and wiped out the entire village. Having earned the moniker of “Dark Mystic,” Dorgo's evil trick was swiftly dealt with by the Orb Crafter, who sealed Dorgo's spirit in a tree as punishment. For centuries upon centuries a strict no-tree-hugging policy was enforced in the area and Dorgo remained trapped, though in the 1960's the free love movement abandoned that view. Still, it was only in 2009 that Dorgo escaped: Bernard Foress, a known tree-loving forest-dweller, happened upon the tree and hugged it, immediately allowing Dorgo to possess his body and take complete control of his personality. Ready to wreak havoc, the Dark Mystic now very much has a way.

Name: Doze
Actor: John Nielsen
Found: Season 2: Episode 9; Season 7: Episode 53
About: Freedom fighter and friend of Dodge Neo. Doze works as an 'operator' on the rebel team fighting the nefarious mathematical program, the Linear Sequence. Doze was recruited by his best friend Snooze to the team at the same time Neo's physical appearance was corrupted, following the Sequence's first defeat. A master of patty-cake-style fighting, Doze and Snooze teamed up to battle Agent Sum, holding him off long enough for Dodge and Infinity to escape the other agents. Four years later, having lost Snooze during the continuing revolution, Doze carries on, now training teammate Sahara in the ways of patty-cake as well as serving as operator. Helping Rat, Sahara, More4us, and Infinity fight off and destroy the final wave of agents, Doze is, in the end, one of the survivors of the battle for freedom.

Name: Dr. Francois Le Onion
Actor: Joey Cleary
Found: Season 5: Preview Special
About: The second-worst brain surgeon in the world, but the best in France, Dr. Francois le Onion was rich beyond rich and had more money than he knew what to do with. Right after attending a ceremony dedicating a statue in his honor (for the child he almost saved), Dr. Onion found himself falling into the carefully laid trap of a desperate Pig Farmer and a drug dealer, Shady. He bought the farm, and then kicked the bucket---so that the farmer would have enough cash on hand to buy pig steroids, but not have to give up his farm. Despite the fact that the doctor's friend witnessed his death, the friend, Le Stupid, only had a five-second span of memory and soon forgot everything. Enter the notable French detective, Inspector Jeu le Deu, and his crafty assistant MacGunda, who after piecing together the puzzle, solved the murder. Francois's spirit now resides in heaven, where he “protects all the children--with brain surgery.” If the wind is right, sometimes you can still hear his voice by the statue “Guidance of the Youth.”

Name: Dr. Jill Dillamond
Actor: Johännah Larsen
Found: Season 6: Episode 48
About: A doctor working at one of the new satellite facilities at Darkham Asylum. Jill was assigned to the recent case of Betty Blasphemie, a young person who was apprehended after demonstrating that she was demonically possessed on national television. Jill looks after Betty and prescribes her medications to try and calm her down, some of which don't always work as they are supposed to…

Name: Dr. Karen Smart
Actor: Lily Nisbet
Found: Season 2: Episode 12
About: Being a brilliant scientist who enjoys moonlighting as a lounge singer, Karen Smart should have expected to be plunged into nefarious intrigue. While working on some late-night “research” with her intern Randy, the Freshly Laundered Russian broke into her lab and stole some plans that were very important to the president, Robert E. Wee, in 2004. Unsure of what to do, Karen went into hiding, but was located by Agent L, Laticia, who coaxed her into helping. Tracking the Russian, they eventually ran afoul of Ned Farious, who'd bought the plans. While Laticia and Ned scuffled, Karen stole back the plans… but after a rendezvous with Agent A, who had a serious thing for Karen, they were lost again to the Russian. Following this, Karen Smart vanished completely, to parts unknown. Her disappearance hit Agent A fairly hard, and a couple years later, when he found her mysterious undergarment on an empty street, he went bananas. Her whereabouts are still unknown, and her undergarment is still mysterious as ever. In 2007, the most powerful incarnation of the plans was destroyed at last, bringing peace to the world. It is said that Aaron Andrews, Karen's beloved Agent A, tracked her down at last, but beyond rumor, no one knows for sure.

Name: Dr. Linda M. “Bonecrusher” Coy
Actor: Johännah Larsen
Found: Season 7: Episode 51; Season 8: Episode 57
About: The chief medical officer of the Conglomeration Starship “Epitaph.” Linda's upswept hairdo and keen clinical eye keep the crew healthy no matter where in the galaxy they explore. After performing many an examination on her friends and crew, the Epitaph made the journey to Tacomabydos in the Unknownth Sector, where Linda beamed to the planet with Quinn Versailles, Marcus Fax, and Captain Charles Chewkotay to deliver the peaceful Koosh ambassadors for a visit/relocation. Upon completing the mission, the away team found themselves unable to beam up due to the vicious Whorg aliens that were ensnaring the ship and causing local interference. Soon Quinn found himself incapacitated by two Whorg that beamed to the planet, and though Linda attempted to help, she found herself swept away by them, and soon, assimilated into their kind. Using her newfound sexy powers, she immediately converted Charles as well, and the two returned with the Whorg rather than their own crew members. The Epitaph escaped, but Linda and Charles were lost to the Whorg. Soon, Linda's assistant medical technician, Deckland Pierce, who had yet to complete all his medical training, abruptly found himself promoted to doctor and chief medical officer in the wake of the attack. A replacement captain, Clark Lurk, was also sent to the ship. As of now, Linda and Charles are still with the Whorg, having sent one final message to the crew warning them not to come after them.

Name: Dr. Professor Phillip Greenly, M.D.
Actor: Anthony
Found: Season 4: Episode 31
About: From Berkeley, Phillip Greenly is a very respected man in the science community. Interviewed by Joseph Chapman during a closeup on trees, he explains why he has no problem with trees, but rather dislikes grass for the various deadly chemicals it produces. While he has some experience with tree fairies such as Jingly, he didn’t feel qualified to discuss the possible interbreeding of tree fairies and hippies. He participates in a forum discussion about trees with several others.

Name: Dr. Smith Von Kluggenheimen
Actor: Chris Steere
Found: Season 4: Episode 27, 30
About: A famous doctor who recently weathered some scandals. He appeared briefly on the first episode of “The Rear View” with Starla Simmons to render medical assistance to the Curator, who had fallen while attempting to exit the stage. He was later asked back as a proper guest and interviewed by Starla in the second Rear View episode, during which he brought a hypochondriac patient of his that he believed to be carrying several new and undiscovered diseases. Starla has accused him of “impersonating a gynecologist beyond his means,” for which several lawsuits were brought against him. A tranquilizer was used on him at the end of the episode with too powerful a sedative, and he remains in a coma.

Name: Dr. Thomas Goodenough
Actor: Tylor Stepp
Found: Season 8: Episode 61
About: Dr. Goodenough is, on the one hand, extremely lucky---lucky that he even has a license to practice medicine anymore, considering he is probably the world's worst doctor. On the other hand, he is the world's worst doctor, so things aren't going terribly great for him. When he competed on the fourth installment of the “Weirdest Link” game show, Thomas's self-doubt was so pronounced that he essentially voted himself off the show.

Name: Dumb-Ass CEO
Actor: John Nielsen
Found: Season 3: Episode 20
About: The president and C.E.O. of the company “Dumbsville Assets, Incorporated,” he is of course a resident of Dumbsville. Too-much of a forward thinker, he refuses to look behind him for any reason. Interviewed by news correspondent Joseph Chapman during the “Dumbsville Disaster” of 2005, he believes that anyone who doesn't look behind them is obviously a productive person, and anyone behind him does not deserve to be seen. His company is working on a prototype invention called a “dumbass hoister.”

Name: Dumbsville Resident #1
Actor: Adam Nielsen
Found: Season 3: Episode 20
About: One of Dumbsville’s missing citizens. If the other residents weren’t so dumb, they’d find that this guy is really not missing, or even that hard to find. Featured in the “Dumbsville Disaster” of 2005.

Name: Dumbsville Resident #2
Actor: (name unknown)
Found: Season 3: Episode 20
About: One of Dumbsville’s missing citizens. If the other residents weren’t so dumb, they’d find that this guy is really not missing, or even that hard to find. Featured in the “Dumbsville Disaster” of 2005.

Name: Duplicity Man (AKA: Deficiency Boy, Manfraud Dueller) [see also: Deficiency Boy]
Actor: John Nielsen
Found: Season 2: Episode 12, 14; Season 4: Episode 26, 30; Season 5: Episode 37; Season 7: Episode 54
About: Duplicity Man is the physical manifestation of Manfraud's dark side. Being a clone of Mandread Crueller, Manfraud always had the potential to do wicked things, but for the most part, kept his shadowy side in check. That all changed when he became the superhero Deficiency Boy and was struck with the Globe of Milkish Freakyness by Hezedipapa in the heat of battle. The evil orb brought the duplicitous half into dominance, and Duplicity Man was born. Though Duplicity Man never stays around for long (due to being defeated by various means and put back into dormancy), he has a distinctly different personality from the bright and cheery DB. DM is interested in conquering the world by controlling mostly breakfast foods, though lately he has become slightly more devious. His most recently witnessed plan actually took advantage of DB taking naps to briefly control their body, so as to hire Gordo and Grodo in a scheme that he had hatched. By tricking his other self into touching the Cloning Sphere with the Orb of Life, Duplicity Man was able to clone himself out of DB, and finally gain an independent body of his own. SSRM's interference recovered the Orb of Life from Hezedipapa, but the heroes were unable to get the Cloning Sphere back from Duplicity Man before he escaped. He remained at large with the Sphere in his possession for some time, seemingly unaffected even by the death of Deficiency Boy. Somewhere he met hunter-tracker Kalmundo Rifkin and hired him for protection while DM worked on a project of unknown purpose, as well as created a Temporary Cloning Sphere from the original, with which he created several temporary decoy clones of himself. Eventually, SSRM and Lawful Good caught up to him, but he escaped, trading the Cloning Sphere for his freedom. Chided by new villain Thaddius Morten for his shortcomings, Duplicity Man seems unfazed by the criticisms and the loss of the Cloning Sphere, possibly because of whatever secret project he has been working on…

Name: Eastside Hotel Owner
Actor: Kyle Kertay
Found: Season 2: PDA
About: Slightly more easygoing than his wife, he was still displeased to find their hotel filled with rodents after the “bread crumb incident,” but when the infestation upgraded to Pygmy-Back Nielsens, it was more than he could take. Bonanza Bridget was hired to come in and rid the hotel of pests---which she did. Then, however, Bridget and Pinky kidnapped his wife as payment, despite his protests.

Name: Eastside Hotel Owner's Wife
Actor: Holly Janka
Found: Season 2: PDA
About: This uptight woman was quite displeased to find her hotel infested with rodents, but when a horde of Pygmy-Back Nielsens infested the place, that was the last straw. She hired Bonanza Bridget to get rid of the pests. Bridget did indeed drive out the Nielsens, but demanded either the owner's left testicle or the owner's wife as payment. Pinky, Bridget's wife, chose the woman, and so she was abducted and dragged out of the hotel despite her husband's protests, and likely never seen there again.

Name: E-bay Guy
Actor: Nick Odom
Found: Season 1: Episode 3
About: This possible lackey of Mandread Crueller constantly attempts to sell Super-Slow Reaction Man and Farm Lad bootleg copies of their own equipment (which he bought on E-bay). After being pummeled with the Perfectly Sphere Egg of Freedom, he sees the light, and changes venues, going into the lucrative background music business---until, of course, Mandread notices him. Last seen cowering in a corner.

Name: Eduardo Bay
Actor: Anthony
Found: Season 4: Episode 31
About: The owner of an internet auction website, though he refuses to say just which one. Eduardo hires Bonanza Bob to bring him the Idol of Zurukan, despite the fact that Bonanza Bob has already been hired by the Mayan Queen to do the same thing for her. He snatches the “cock” of the Mayan King amidst an intense attle, and flees with it, hoping to sell it online---but gets ambushed by the Aboriginals, who take the cock for themselves. Disheartened, Eduardo then happened upon an ancient tablet that the Queen had previously given Bonanza Bob, and took that to sell instead. He refuses to sell anything to the Orb Crafter after discovering that she pays for her purchases in salt.

Name: Ego Deadpan
Actor: Joseph Chapman
Found: Season 3: Episode 18, 24
About: Member of the anti-mailman fighting force, the Postbusters! Together with Radon, Suck, and eventually Blacky, Ego Deadpan does his best to rid the world of the evil monster mailmen that plague it. The effective leader of the team, Ego is the smartest of the four, and is responsible for making most of their anti-postal devices work, as well as coming up with the best plans for fighting their enemies. Some of his inventions include the PKE (Postal Knowing Equipment), the jelly-bean filled traps (to draw in the mailmen), and anti-postal candy necklaces. The Postbusters first defeated the evil Postmaster General, and years later, were called in to defeat Steevo, a postcard monster who kidnapped Elaina McRaina's baby, Bologna.

Name: Elaina McRaina
Actor: Johännah Larsen
Found: Season 3: Episode 24
About: This poor secretary was just checking her mail one day with her infant son, Bologna, when she was attacked by a postal worker, and her baby abducted. Though she recovered Bologna, the incident shook her to the core, and she called the Postbusters, who had helped her sister Dana five years earlier. Eager to find some action, the Postbusters came to her aid, and eventually discovered that the baby-napping had been the plot of the nefarious postcard monster Steevo, the Postarian. Incapable of residing in the human realm due to his allergies, Steevo conspired to use Bologna’s anti-allergen baby-flesh to help him rise to power. This plot was thwarted by the Postbusters, and Bologna was saved. She went out to dinner with Ego as a reward, but was forever grateful to all of them.

Name: Elderly Lawbreaker
Actor: Joey Cleary
Found: Season 6: Episode 41
About: This 98-year-old man merely tried to cross a bridge in a park the wrong way one day, and found himself beaten down by “Securitiez” officers Wibbens and Burnowski, who in their fervor to arrest him, end up breaking his elbow and several other bones to bring him to “justice.”

Name: Eligible Bachelor #1
Actor: Jordan White
Found: Season 5: Preview Special
About: Appears in a promo for a show in which eligible bachelors compete for the hand of a comatose sixteen-year-old girl, Sleeping Booty. Will he wake her?

Name: Eligible Bachelor #2
Actor: Josh Adelman
Found: Season 5: Preview Special
About: Appears in a promo for a show in which eligible bachelors compete for the hand of a comatose sixteen-year-old girl, Sleeping Booty. Will he wake her?

Name: Enriqué-Ron
Actor: John Nielsen
Found: Season 5: Episode 36
About: The public face of disgraced energy company Enron. Though Starla Simmons, of “The Rear View,” mistakenly identified one of her guests as this man, she was misinformed---this Enriqué is the real deal. When Enron, who had been hoarding snow and selling it to the public for high prices, experienced a corporate leak, allowing the snow to go free, Enriqué-Ron was interviewed by local news correspondent Joseph Chapman.

Name: Equation Girl
Actor: Tanya Walch
Found: Season 1: Episode 6
About: Shows Dodge Neo proof that math is not good. Unfortunately, that proof is in the form of an equation, and thus Neo decides she can't trusted, grabs the string-cheese whip, and flees her classroom.

Name: Erin Moon
Actor: Margaret Lacey
Found: Season 8: Episode 58
About: Erin Moon is the Underchief Engineer aboard the Conglomeration Starship “Epitaph.” After a disastrous mission that left the ship without a captain, doctor, and with damaged engines after an attack by the Whorg, Erin Moon was ordered by Conglomeration brass to a post aboard the ship, so that she could get to work helping Chief Engineer Harry Scuttlebutt in any way she could. She also piloted the shuttle carrying Captain Clark Lurk, appointed to command the ship as a replacement after Charles Chewkotay was abducted by the Whorg. Using the “moon pie” technique, she was able to marginally increase the output of the engines long enough for the ship to get to Lushious III, where she joined the away team that eventually secured a new engine part. Cheerful and helpful, Erin is fitting in quite nicely aboard the ship, despite working underthe somewhat cantankerous Scuttlebutt.

Name: Eufegenaia Cookie
Actor: Daniel Clark
Found: Season 1: Episode 2
About: He's America's SECOND-least wanted. Not as bad as the number-one-slot, but still… nobody wants him.

Name: Eufegenaia Steve
Actor: Stephen Glantz
Found: Season 1: Episode 4
About: Contestant on the second episode of Weirdest Link. Seems dazed, but that's probably just him being intimidated by Mr. Wrong, the host.

Name: Eve
Actor: Holly Janka
Found: Season 3: Episode 21
About: Essentially considered the second human ever created by God, Eve was created to keep Adam company (yes, it’s THAT Eve). Lounging about in the Garden of Eden, one day she met a little snake, and you think you know the rest, but you don’t. In reality, while The Wizard was distracting God with conversation, Eve tricked Adam into eating the Forbidden Fruit and was not actually the first one to eat it. Banned from Eden after that. Like so many who come into contact with The Wizard, Eve is still around today, though she and Adam tend to keep a low profile. She was interviewed by Joseph Chapman for the “Wizard exposé.”

Name: Evil Person
Actor: Michael Cunningham
Found: Season 1: Episode 1, 8
About: Probably just a hallucination caused by Anger-Away, but in any case, he carries a double-bladed lightsaber and means business. Often seen killing people who are not evil.

Name: Evil Snow Sorceror
Actor: Kyle Kertay
Found: Season 4: Episode 25
About: With his crazy hair and awesome powers, he has been known to summon several creatures---including Snowlina, and later her counterpart, Sandlina. Erratic and unpredictable… what will he summon next?

Name: Evil Weatherman
Actor: Michael Cunningham
Found: Season 6: Episode 46
About: This Portland weatherman got tired of just forecasting rain all the time, apparently, and went mad. In his power-hungry quest to destroy SOMETHING, he attempted to use child labor to run various wicked weather machines, and also desired to use a submarine to cause a wave of deadly acid rain. We… don't think he succeeded.

Name: Ex-Agent X
Actor: Brian Wise
Found: Season 2: Episode 16
About: Previously employed as an American secret agent, he came to odds with some of the idealogy involved and retired. In 1982, he was part of the undercover operation to track Yakuza, a suspected terrorist. Due to this inside expertise, President Wee had his VP call Ex-Agent X back into service in 2005 when Yakuza was under suspicion of involvement in the disappearance of “the plans,” which had last been seen in the hands of the Freshly Laundered Russian the previous year. Agent L, Laticia, was also called to duty for this assignment, and was made partner to Ex-Agent X---and though both of them objected to the mission, they carried it out as best they could. Working with grim efficiency, X tracked down Yakuza and bested him in combat… interrogating him before executing the man with honor at his request. Learning that the plans had been eaten, X found the Russian, and incapacitated him as well---but while he was concentrating on that task, he was attacked from behind by Yakuza's bride, Hännah-Hero, who killed him to avenge her love. After the final crisis of 2007, in which the last plans were destroyed forever, President Wee unveiled a memorial in X's honor in the newly christened Nathaniel Nathaien wing of the White House.

Name: Ex-Vice-Mayor Tim (AKA: Vice-Mayor Tim)
Actor: John Nielsen
Found: Season 3: Episode 22; Season 5: Episode 33, 40
About: Originally, Tim, a Scotsman, was the Vice-Mayor of the Village of Ted, working under the Blind Mayor. However, while tracking down Swiss Rolls’ back taxes, the Blind Mayor had an accident, and Tim’s true colors showed through (they’re plaid by the way) as he attempted to usurp the mayorship from her. Swiss Rolls and Number One defeated him with bark chips, but he wasn’t destroyed, and went into hiding. Later, in an attempt to discredit the “town that spurned him,” Tim assassinated a visiting French diplomat, Lisette Marteau, right in front of the President, Robert E. Wee. Attempting to ally himself with Doorbell and trying to get an endorsement from Death (the nemesis of Swiss Rolls), instead Tim found himself cornered by the Blind Mayor and her staff long enough for Swiss Rolls and Jeu le Deu to solve the murder. Tim has since been incarcerated in Darkham Asylum, though Death and the assistant head of the asylum, Lauren Arabia, later helped him escape briefly before Swiss Rolls apprehended him again. It is a well-known fact that Tim is, as Swiss Rolls called him, a “sheep-doer,” and his therapy in Darkham has only seemed to drive him deeper into sheep-themed madness.

Name: Ex-Vice President Nathaniel Cookies Nathaien (AKA: Vice President Nathaniel Cookies Nathaien)
Actor: Joey Cleary
Found: Season 2: Episode 16; Season 5: Episode 38; Season 6: Presidential, Episode 45; Season 8: Episode 61
About: Formerly the Vice President under Robert E. Wee. Certainly a more competent man than the President, it was he who, at Wee's request, called Ex-Agent X out of retirement to track down Yakuza. Short-tempered and often annoyed with the president's senility, he stresses that his middle name is “Cookies,” not that he had any cookies for the president. He was also in charge of managing the president's spare beards and his anti-terrorism forces. After the loss of the plans, he became fed up, to say the least, but it was after that that he truly snapped---the next year, after the plans had been recovered and the cookies had been made, he left a bomb under the table at Eaty's, a family restaurant, in an effort to kill Agent A, Agent L, Ned Farious, Yakuza, Hännah-Hero, Agent R, and Zato. However, the bomb was defused, and just as he was about to bomb President Wee himself, he was arrested for stealing the president's beard (which, incidentally, he didn't do, but the charges stuck). In 2007, Nathaniel escaped from federal prison and resuscitated the Freshly Laundered Russian, attempting once more to blow everyone up. Drawn into a scheme to attempt to bomb a musematorium by government agents, Nathaien gained the upper hand by planting two bombs instead of one---unable to defuse the second, the President and new VP were forced to flee. The Russian then turned himself in to stop the agents from capturing Nathaniel Cookies. Later that year, during the final crisis of 2007, Nathaien infiltrated both the Syndicate of international crime lords and the U.S. government, stealing an entirely new set of plans so as to set up the agents to destroy the Syndicate. After a fierce battle, he convinced the agents to destroy the plans once and for all, bringing peace to everyone. He slipped away after the final battle and was never seen again, but somehow he released a tell-all book, was pardoned by President Wee, and had a wing of the White House named in his honor. In 2009 he resurfaced for mere moments, live on national TV, to rip up a bill the President had written that would give all of Canada to Hawaii, claiming it the masterwork of his supposed “half-brother,” the Hawaiian Senator.

Name: Fabrizio the Great
Actor: Jordan White
Found: Season 5: Preview Special
About: The master of fabrics! Fabrizio was a contestant on the third episode of “Weirdest Link.” However, most of the questions he had to answer did NOT deal with fabric, and he was soon voted out. However, he did return after being voted out to strangle Stylux the hairstylist to death for giving his attention to other men. He also lusted to steal Jeffer's hat, which he did, though the hobo was later seen wearing it, so it's assumed that he shot Fabrizio in the leg, or the like, and left him like a wounded deer somewhere.

Name: Famous Hollywood Director
Actor: Karl Nielsen
Found: Season 2: Episode 10
About: Co-hosts the first episode of “Movie Mayhem” with Joseph Chapman. Talks about the upcoming feature “The Pants.”

Name: Fanatic Fan
Actor: Ryan Wheeler
Found: Season 3: Episode 18
About: An overzealous fan of the Postbusters. He flags down their car and steals their emblem off the side… then proceeds to rub it all over his body. Yikes.

Name: Farm Lad (AKA: Captain Obvious, Larm Fad, Amish Lad)
Actor: Anthony
Found: Season 1: Episode 1, 3, 6, 8; Season 2: Episode 9, 14, 16; Season 3: Episode 18, 22
About: Larm Fad was a foreign exchange student when he became Farm Lad, the sidekick of Super Slow Reaction Man, the world's first superhero. Using livestock as his trade and his weapon, he eagerly assisted SSRM in their fight against the evil forces of Mandread Crueller. However, Farm Lad was killed in almost every encounter with Crueller, often after he'd been manipulated or corrupted through magical means to turn on his friends. Despite this, SSRM continued to clone him and create a Farm Lad that was just as good as the previous one. At SSRM's side, Farm Lad once wielded the power of the Perfectly Spherical Egg of Freedom. During the battle in which SSRM became super-fast, Farm Lad grasped the Orb of Evolution and became Captain Obvious. Since then, bearing a green sword and the power of self-resurrection, Capt. Obvious has done his part to help the efforts of good, a hero in his own right. Though he usually supports Deficiency Boy, he was turned against him once by Mr. Eye and some desperate Amish folk, and fell to the Sword of Shribdia. When faced with Hezedipapa's growing World Domination Squad, Captain Obvious could only do so much, and soon found himself heinously beaten---though he did get his hat back from the Wizard.

Name: Farm Lass (AKA: Sally Frampton)
Actor: Margaret Lacey
Found: Season 7: Episode 54, 55; Season 8: Episode 60
About: A plucky girl with a gift: power over farm animals. Growing up on a farm with her single father, Dädder, Sally's life was turned upside-down when Duplicity Man stole the farm's NutriaGrain bar and more importantly their Egg of Neutrality. Dädder and Sally enlisted the help of Lawful Good and SSRM to help catch the culprits (after mistaking them for the culprits). When facing off with Duplicity Man, the situation got sticky and Sally revealed her power over the farm animals to help save the day. After the villains fled, Super Slow Reaction Man recruited her as his new sidekick (with her father's half-hearted permission). Following Lawful Good's retirement and Deficiency Boy's resurrection, the newly minted Farm Lass continued to follow SSRM on his quest for good, with DB and Lucky Twitch soon joining their ranks. In the forests of the Village of Bob, Farm Lass was attacked by Thaddius and nearly killed---saved by SSRM's quick thinking and Deficiency Boy's healing abilities. She also had another confrontation with her father, who had become a weapons dealer as well as a farmer. Refusing to join him once again, Farm Lass soon found that Dädder really only cared about her as a laborer, as evidenced when he proceeded to try and blow her up with an exploding squash. The heroes escaped and made their way out of the forest. Some time later, Farm Lass found herself taken under the wings of DB and LT in the absence of SSRM for a time, as they searched near the Falls of Power for any trace of Duplicity Man. What they found instead was Nomad, an ancient Swiss wanderer on the lookout for an escaped Dark Mystic, Dorgo, who had possessed Bernard Foress and now controlled his every move. The heroes and Nomad battled against the newly-powerful Bernard as best they could until Foress and Nomad vanished, leaving them to continue on their quest.

Name: F.C.C.
Actor: Joseph Chapman (voice)
Found: Various, Season 4-7 (Rear View Episodes)
About: It's always around… watching… judging. HELLO. Starla Simmons and Oprah Winfrey are counted among people who are NOT its fans.

Name: Fearless Madman
Actor: Michael Cunningham
Found: Season 7: Episode 49
About: The spokesman for “Sobe No Fear,” a frightening beverage. Don't be afraid of wild pack animals, or this guy, apparently!

Name: Fegis Rilbin
Actor: Joseph Chapman
Found: Season 1: Episode 2
About: Host of the one and only installment of “Who Wants to be a Marmoset.”

Name: Fernando
Actor: Jeremy White
Found: Season 3: Episode 21; Season 4: Episode 26
About: The lover of Jim of Arc, who changed his name to Joan while pretending to be a woman in the French army, in order to drive out the English. This was all a plot devised by Random Reporter Guy, to God’s chagrin. Fernando was used as an incentive for young Jim to start a revolution, and it proved a wise hookup---being a skilled maker of mannequins, Fernando was able to replace Joan/Jim with a mannequin, which was burned at the stake instead of him. Jim and Fernando have been dating in the ensuing centuries ever since, a fact they rubbed in The Wizard’s face quite recently.

Name: Field Medic Anthony
Actor: Anthony
Found: Season 1: Episode 3
About: Trained in first aid and all sorts of helpful and related subject matter, even his skills couldn't save Bonanza Bill from the dreaded Mad Monkey Disease. He did what he could to help the cameraman discover the plague's source after Bill was infected, but it was too late for the cousin of Bonanza Bob. Later, Field Medic Anthony helped Bob and Bonanza Ben investigate the Aboriginals. He's also a fan of “Anger-Away.”

Name: Fifty Six
Actor: Julia Cleary
Found: Season 6: Episode 47; Season 7: Episode 51, 56
About: Internationally famous rap sensation Fifty Six has multiple albums and multiple felony charges (all acquittals!) under her belt already. She has appeared on more than one network touting her gangsta wares, and with such recent albums as “Taking Sexy Away” and “Unabombin' 4 Peace,” she really has it going on. As her star rose, the attempts on her life became more and more frequent, including an exploding gas station and an imploding limousine. Crime Scene Interlopers Ding Dong and Frank Marconi came to her pad to interview various suspects, all of them fellow rappers, but in the process it appeared that someone offed Fifty Six anyway, with poison or “blunt force poison” of some kind. The suspects, Snub Puppy and Raajneesh, denied everything, and just when it seemed the case would go unsolved forever, Fifty Six herself blindsided everyone by revealing that she'd faked her own death to get more publicity for an upcoming album she and Raajneesh had secretly collaborated on. Someday Fifty's secret desire to die and release a hundred posthumous albums may come true, but that day has not yet come. She has a Middle Eastern friend, though he doesn't really look very Middle Eastern at all.

Name: F-Mobile Spokesman
Actor: John Nielsen
Found: Season 1: Episode 7; Season 3: Episode 20
About: The representative for the F-Mobile company. In the first two F-Mobile commercials, he tells us of the wonders of cell phone technology (which was, of course, invented in the 19th century).

Name: Francis Caldwell
Actor: Rodger Fickel
Found: Season 1: Episode 7
About: Star of the SINRS network comedy show, “Acquaintances,” Francis is tragically unable to read---but learns to fake it with some help from news correspondent Joseph Chapman. He is originally from Yojiminy, Iowa, and his father Billy actually plays his roommate on the show.

Name: Frank Marconi
Actor: Jeremy White
Found: Season 6: Presidential; Season 7: Episode 56; Season 8: Episode 61
About: Marconi first appeared on the radar in the mid 2000s as a fresh-faced new political candidate for the Blindocrat party---as Frank is indeed blind. Despite this, however, in the early 2000s he worked in the Village of Bob as a crime scene investigator, mostly looking into the murders of several AOL mascots perpetrated by Manfred Online. His interest in politics was sparked through his friendship with the Blind Mayor of the Village of Ted and Mayor Seymour Gals of Dumbsville, all of them Blindocrats. Through one of his well-off supporters, Mister Kittyface, he earned a minor position in the Village of Weiß, and in 2007, he launched his campaign for President of the United States, running against incumbent President Robert E. Wee and skeezy internet rival John Online Beta. In November 2008, however, Wee was re-elected, and ashamed of his loss, Marconi withdrew from politics and returned to his roots as an investigator of crime scenes. He went to work with Dingorius Dongway in the Village of Weiß's 'Crime Scene Interlopers' team, bringing them their first case together: investigating the assassination attempts on rapper Fifty Six. When she turned up dead for real, the case turned to a murder investigation, though in the end it seemed that Fifty had merely faked her own death. With it solved, Marconi remains with the crime lab team, and went on to help solve a drive-by muting, followed by an actual murder case: that of Ronald Rump.

Name: Frank the Guard
Actor: Kyle Kertay
Found: Season 6: Episode 48
About: An armed guard working at a satellite facility at Darkham Asylum, Frank seems very wary of his post. He guards the cell of Betty Blasphemie, whom he refers to as “the real multi-murdering, Columbian cross-dressing psycho serial killer.” Frank's job is to let people in and out of the cell. It's all very professional (especially for Darkham)… though he was willing to lend his gun to the first visitor he met.

Name: Franny Filmfest
Actor: Jill Severson
Found: Season 6: Episode 47
About: This straight-forward woman is the director of a film festival, trying to bring classic movies to third world countries. Her passion for film brings her to the couch of Starla Simmons for an interview, in the seventh episode of “The Rear View.” She contends that classic films will always outdo remakes. Starla contends that she is a pregnant hooker. Surprisingly, despite this, they seemed to get along well enough.

Name: Frau Bose (AKA: Mrs. Angry)
Actor: Jasmine (last name unknown)
Found: Season 1: Jugendherberge
About: One of the youth hostel parents in charge of Häslichmuttiberg, and a German speaker. She is later murdered.

Name: Fred
Actor: Kyle Kertay
Found: Season 5: Episode 36
About: This Salem native was taken aback when Enron's corporate leak allowed snow to fly free in his city. Interviewed by Joseph Chapman.

Name: Frederick
Actor: Manfred Mueller
Found: Season 1: Episode 1
About: The playground bully who tries Anger-Away with somewhat mixed results. Before, he was angry, and after, he was angry, but had something chewing on his head as a deterrent.

Name: Frederick L. Farnsworth
Actor: Joseph Chapman
Found: Season 2: Episode 10
About: Guest on an episode of “People” with Hollywood Lamaramar. He is an advocate of reality television and argues that it’s a good thing because it allows anyone, regardless of training, to be on TV. He also insults the host in the process. By the end of the show, he and his debate partner realize they aren’t so different after all.

Name: Fred Murphy
Actor: John Nielsen
Found: Season 2: Episode 12
About: It is unknown how he died, but he is found stabbed all over by Ditech, who seduces him into signing a contract with the insurance company rather than willing his soul over to Death, as it is supposed to be. Supposedly the contract will allow him to go to Heaven. Death is not pleased.

Name: Freshly Laundered Russian (AKA: Downy)
Actor: John Nielsen
Found: Season 2: Episode 12, 16; Season 5: Episode 38; Season 6: Episode 45, 47
About: This secret agent was hired by the villainous Ned Farious to steal a set of secret plans greatly valued by President Robert E. Wee in 2004. He did so, snatching them from the woman who created the plans, Dr. Karen Smart, while she wasn't looking. Due to his tendency to hide inside of dryers, he always smells of laundry sheets, which is a bit of a giveaway for a spy. He was paid 100 million U.S. dollars for the plans by Farious, who then immediately lost them to Karen Smart, their creator, who darted in while Ned was distracted. At the end of the encounter, however, the Russian stole the plans from Agent A's hand. Finding the plans unwanted in his homeland, however, in 2005 the Russian was said to have eaten the plans. When Ex-Agent X discovered this, he used the Russian's own weapon (a marshmallow peep) against him, incapacitating him. For two years the Russian lay choking on the peep until 2007, when Nathaniel Cookies Nathaien, the ex-vice-president of the U.S., now a terrorist, awoke him, and they teamed up to destroy everything with a host of choclitium bombs. Though their plan was only partially successful, “Downy” as he had been nicknamed stayed behind and was apprehended by Agents A and L, as well as Yakuza and Hännah-Hero, in order to allow Nathaien to escape. Interrogated by the agents and the president and VP, the Russian let slip the location of “Cookies'” lair, though the agents were unable to apprehend the ex-VP. After the ordeal, President Robert E. Wee, who still believes Downy is Santa Claus, secretly freed him. During the final crisis of 2007, Downy played double-agent and infiltrated the Syndicate of international crime lords with the intent of betraying them to the U.S. government. Indeed, the Russian assassinated the Syndicate's head, Darth Don, before helping the Americans track down and stop Nathaniel Nathaien from doing anyone any more harm. After the destruction of the new plans, which Downy helped create, he returned to Russia, where he was last seen selling the new beverage “Revolut.”

Name: Frustrated Webmaster
Actor: Michael Cunningham
Found: Season 7: Episode 54
About: The system is going to crash and the world is going to end… at least that's what this guy thought until he was revitalized by “Tic-Tics” freshmints. Now things aren't looking so bad after all.

Name: Frustrated Webmaster's Lackey
Actor: Jeremy White
Found: Season 7: Episode 54
About: The system is going to crash and the world is going to end… mostly due to this guy not paying attention at his job, opting to go to lunch when things get hairy. He and his boss were revitalized by “Tic-Tics” freshmints, though, and suddenly things didn't seem so bad.

Name: Galahad
Actor: Jeremy White (voice)
Found: Season 5: Episode 39
About: One of King Arthur's knights of the round table. Oh, thy!!!

Name: Gamer, The
Actor: Kyle Kertay
Found: Season 3: Episode 23
About: This manic boy has a heart that beats only for video games. A fan of the “Legend of Zelda” series, he dares his friends that he can enter the game (or rather, Link’s cooking show) by pressing all the buttons at once and plugging the controller into his head---which he does. Euphoric at achieving his life’s dream and at getting to meet Link and Zelda (though not so much the latter), the Gamer then surprises everyone by grabbing Villager #65 and taking her back to his world. If only getting a girlfriend was that easy for everyone!

Name: Gamindork
Actor: John Nielsen
Found: Season 3: Episode 18
About: Arch-nemesis to Link. He wants, apparently, to obtain all of Link's secret recipes, and covertly infiltrates Link's cooking show to do so. While Link does end up in the emergency room, Gamindork really had nothing to do with it. Wears a Gamecube controller as a belt.

Name: Gandalf the Clumsy
Actor: Joseph Chapman
Found: Season 1: Episode 6
About: A clumsy wizard. He gives Odo the Thing and sends him on a quest to destroy it, for the sake of all Central-Earth.

Name: Garth Gutenberg
Actor: Jordan White
Found: Season 5: Episode 33
About: A sand-expert interviewed by John Johnson at the Edge of the World as part of a special C80 report. He later interviews Sandlina, a sand-person, though at the end of the interview, he punches her head off. There is a reward of 5000 sand dollars for his capture.

Name: Gary Stinger
Actor: Joseph Chapman
Found: Season 1: Episode 2
About: Host of a trashy talk show, “Jerry Stinger”---despite his name being Gary. His show is so bad, it cancels itself.

Name: Gary Stinger’s Assistant
Actor: Nathan Clark
Found: Season 1: Episode 2
About: Gary Stinger’s assistant. Possible father of the guests’ future children. We will never know, because the show cancelled itself.

Name: Gay Ranger, The
Actor: Joey Cleary
Found: Season 5: PDA3
About: Exuberant man seen selling F-Mobile's newest line of phones to a young girl named Julia. He informs her of its wonders. Why he is called the Gay Ranger, we'll leave up to your imagination.

Name: General Chewagumabar
Actor: Ben Jaquith
Found: Season 8: Episode 60
About: Head of an Ancient Swiss research project that involved reverse-engineering the orbs for the military gain of Switzerland. Despite warnings from several working on the project about the dangers of such things, presumably he pushed forward and was later destroyed (along with his entire civilization) by the culmination of the research, an artifact that has a 99% likelihood of being his namesake… but not all the facts have come to light just yet.

Name: General Gobolov
Actor: Jordan White
Found: Season 6: Episode 48
About: Communist leader and revolutionist seen selling the helpless masses “Revolut Dental” on multiple networks.

Name: Genghis Khan
Actor: Kyle Kertay
Found: Season 5: Episode 39
About: We have Random Reporter Guy to thank for Genghis Khan conquering Asia, as well as his decision to name his grandson “Hulagu.” It seems he was minding his own business one day when RRG just came up and suggested he conquer something. Good job, Wizard.

Name: Genie, The
Actor: Joey Cleary
Found: Season 1: Episode 8; Season 3: Episode 23; Season 6: Presidential
About: Trapped in a mysterious bottle of Tobasco sauce for untold eons, the Genie was released by a simple man who'd happened upon the bottle. Despite the man's many requests for wishes to be granted, the Genie was either unable or unwilling to grant any wishes other than a wish for rain. When its new master realized that the Genie was a spy for Martha Stewart, it caused a massive explosive that likely claimed the lives of countless individuals including its new “master.” The authorities happened upon the scene and showed the Genie a new means of incarceration---federal prison. Several years passed, and suddenly, the Genie was cellmates with its true master, Martha. After Martha got out of prison, she returned with a TV crew to visit her old cellmates---Cokey, Smokey, Skinner, Hob-Nob, and of course, the Genie. Together, they hatched a plan and set it into motion: the Genie sprang from the fireplace and the convicts strangled the Warden, causing a massive jailbreak. The Genie is still at large. KAZAM!

Name: George Buttersworth
Actor: Chris Steere
Found: Season 4: Episode 29
About: This crazed inventor was on his way to an unknown destination when the celebrity-filled plane he was on crashed, stranding him and several others on a desert island. He seeks only to “make himself a wife” which he does with the assistance of Louis Lane and the island’s magic water---and Mrs. Buttersworth was born. George also bonded with Jeremy Chapman, the poor girl whose schizophrenia responded to television frequencies. George has a few screws loose himself, evidenced by his insistence that they “find ghosts,” though he considers himself far more sane than “that Jeremy girl.”

Name: Gerry Gardenia
Actor: Jeremy White
Found: Season 8: Episode 59
About: Co-host of a gardening segment called “Gardening in the Garden,” Gerry and his sister Gertrude love plants. A little too much, even.

Name: Gertie
Actor: Lily Nisbet
Found: Season 2: PDA
About: This girl went online to find love, and fell hard… for the wicked Linear Sequence. Though they truly did seem to share some sort of genuine bond (it loved her more than ones and zeroes, and she loved it more than Unreal Tournament {2003 and 2004}). Gertie's friends stage an intervention to get her to stop seeing the Linear Sequence, but it isn't easy to get her to give up what she thinks is the only one her understands her. Afraid she'll get skin cancer if she goes outside, Gertie is reluctant at first, but eventually leaves the Linear Sequence to “go back with her people.” Though she still cries sometimes at night.

Name: Gertie's Best Friend
Actor: Holly Janka
Found: Season 2: PDA
About: Gertie's friend, who is truly concerned about her spending so much time with the Linear Sequence, a computer program that Gertie has fallen in love with. Along with Gertie's other friends, an intervention is staged by her, and Gertie is eventually convinced to go outside again and give up the Sequence, though it isn't easy.

Name: Gertie's Other Friend
Actor: Brian Wise
Found: Season 2: PDA
About: One of Gertie's friends. He believes in her and wants her to stop spending all her time dating the Linear Sequence.

Name: Gertrude Gardenia
Actor: Johännah Larsen
Found: Season 8: Episode 59
About: Co-host of a gardening segment called “Gardening in the Garden,” Gertrude and her brother Gerry love plants. A little too much, even.

Name: God
Actor: Kyle Kertay
Found: Season 3: Episode 21, 22; Season 4: Episode 26, 30; Season 5: Episode 34, 39
About: Yes, THAT God. Generally credited with the creation of everything, though He may have had help (He’s not telling). Despite what you may have read, God is actually quite jolly and easygoing, most of the time. Created the Orb Crafter to craft orbs of power, and created The Wizard. However, after The Wizard flooded the world and tried to quit, God impounded his powers in the Cave of Grrraaasssh, and threw him out of Deity Force (to this day, God maintains that He fired The Wizard). When Random Reporter Guy encountered Joan/Jim of Arc, God intervened and accidentally jarred The Wizard’s memory, which centuries later contributed to The Wizard’s return. Other little known facts: He created Adam and Eve to entertain Him, and enjoys chatting with Orby, as well as having coffee with the Silent Narrator. His favorite color is silver. He despises the devil and also the Gorb Crafter. Friends with Noah, whom He had build an ark after The Wizard flooded everything. He is also Death’s boss, and in charge of his promotions or demotions. Finds Swiss Rolls entertaining. As for the Bible, God claims that He “didn’t write that” and “has His own books.”

Name: Gold Orb Crafter, The (AKA: The Gorb Crafter)
Actor: Johännah Larsen
Found: Season 4: Episode 26, 30; Season 5: Episode 36, 39; Season 7: Episode 50
About: Created by Lucifer to maintain the balance between good and evil, the Gold Orb Crafter (Gorb Crafter for short) is the evil counterpart to the Orb Crafter. Unlike Orby, the Gorb Crafter spends very little time on Earth, and instead spends her time in Hell, playing bingo and torturing the souls of the damned. While the Orb Crafter has made many orbs, Gorby only has one of her own creation (that we know of): The Gold Orb, or “Gorb”. Having saved up enough vacation time and bingo winnings, Gorby came to Earth and wreaked havoc on the balance of nature. She used the Gorb to incapacitate the Orb Crafter, transform Capable Lad into the “wacky” Meth Lad, turn Deficiency Boy into the evil Duplicity Man, put Boogie Boy into a coma, damage the Sword of Shribdia, and nullify the Orb of Life. Having turned everything upside down, she set the villains to attack Noah and take the Garden of Eden. However, the plan fell apart from there, thanks in part to The Wizard and Noah, who escaped, and Meth Lad, who accidentally woke up the Orb Crafter. Confronted by Noah at some nearby ruins, Gorby confessed that earth was “bumming her out” and vanished back to Hell, though she promised to return again someday… and it didn't take her long. She was seen soon after hawking knock-off Orb Crafter goods on television, and soon was called by God, along with Satan and Demonobi, to serve at the hearing of The Wizard as prosecutors. She is constantly bothered by Napoleon. Once the verdict of the trial was set down, and the Wizard got his powers back, the prophecy of the tablet was set into motion, and the Gorb Crafter came to earth once more, only to find all the orbs including her own had gone out. Going to interrogate the Orb Crafter, Gorby found the two of them sealed in the garden by the force of their own stunted powers, doing battle for what could have been an eternity. But as the prophecy foretold, Deficiency Boy intervened, and using his own body which was created from the orbs, destroyed himself to trap the Gorb Crafter in her own Golden Orb. With Gorby inside, the Gorb can no longer cause trouble, and is being watched over by the Orb Crafter.

Name: Gomorrha
Actor: Solveig Mueller
Found: Season 1: Episode 6
About: Part of the devastating alliance that is Saruman & Gomorrha. She and her evil cohorts seek to turn the entire population of Central-Earth into sugar cubes so that they may harness the forbidden power of the Thing. After Saruman turns one of Odo's Fellowship, Thimbli, into a sugar cube, she eats it---but after the Thing is eaten by Odo, Thimbli returns to strike her down.

Name: Gon Weasley
Actor: Nathan Gneckow
Found: Season 2: Episode 9
About: Whether he exists on some level, we don't really know… but it's likely that he's a complex hallucination experienced by Harry Potter. He claims to be Harry's best friend, though Harry is the only one who can see him.

Name: Gordo
Actor: Rodger Fickel
Found: Season 1: Episode 3, 6, 8; Season 2: Episode 9; Season 3: Episode 22; Season 5: Episode 37
About: At first, this man-creature just wanted something to eat. Attempting to steal cereal from Mandread Crueller, he was taken under the villain's wing and became his most trusted henchman. Though he is often abused by his master, Gordo is ever-faithful to the Crueller family (eventually serving Mandread, Bad Guy, as well as Ruthless). While most of the time Gordo communicates with one-word sentences or mere grunts, he is a more complicated creature than one might think. During his struggles against SSRM and Farm Lad, we learn of Gordo's divorced parents, his estranged brother, Grodo, and even watch him find love! He is also indirectly responsible for the creation of Deficiency Boy, as it was he who left the Cloning Sphere unattended on a bench for Mandread to accidentally sit on. He also created the Mad Monkey Virus (“Falinguith!”) and spread it using Louis the Lousy Monkey as a carrier. As such, he is also responsible for the untimely death of Bonanza Bill. Recently he appeared in one of Anarchy Lad's hideouts, seeking to mock DB and further lower his morale, before scampering off again. Most recently he and his brother, Grodo, were hired by Duplicity Man to steal the Orb of Life and the Cloning Sphere, in order that DM could split his essence from Deficiency Boy and be his own person---which was successful. Following a clash with Super-Slow Reaction Man and Hezedipapa, as far as we know, Gordo and Grodo are still at large, chilling in a hovel somewhere.

Name: Gordo's Love Interest
Actor: Tanya Walch
Found: Season 1: Episode 6
About: Silent and alluring, her name says it all. She caught the eye of Gordo, and became the catalyst leading to the creation of Manfraud Dueller, who would later become Deficiency Boy. When SSRM and Farm Lad learned of Gordo's Love Interest, they bribed her into being used as bait to trap Gordo in their weblike prison.

Name: Grace
Actor: Laura Finch
Found: Season 6: Episode 47
About: Contestant on the third episode of the returning popular show “Visually Impaired Date.” Grace is from Indiana, where her family works in the steel mills and are involved in various types of mining. On the show, she meets a series of five “Bachelorishes”: a spinster living with fifteen cats, a gung-ho preacher, an umpire, the product of a possible demon possession, and of course, Jeffer. Through a series of questions and several individual dates---with the spinster, the preacher, and Jeffer---she determined who she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. Incidentally, it was none of them, but rather Little Man Chad, a member of the preacher's congregation. As quickly as she came on TV, she and Chad fled, fearing for their lives from the rejected suitors.

Name: Grandma
Actor: Jeremy White
Found: Season 2: Episode 11
About: Crotchety old woman who hosts a cooking show on another network. Her only appearance in C80 is as a guest star on Cooking Corner. She advocates the use of children as “secret ingredients” and throttles Pettigrew Applebee for not properly taste-testing the food. This is probably part of the reason why, shortly after she returned to her own show on Channel 586, she was arrested and sent to prison. Just remember, the hills will always be alive… with the sound of COOKING!

Name: Grodo
Actor: Nathan Gneckow
Found: Season 2: Episode 9; Season 5: Episode 37
About: The estranged brother of Gordo, henchman to the Crueller family. When their parents divorced, Grodo went to live with their “high class” mother, in an upscale hovel (it has a driveway). Sought out by Ruthless Crueller and Gordo for her evil plan, Grodo was reluctant to accept his brother at first but eventually went along with the plan. After a struggle to obtain the Orb of Completely Powerful Power, Grodo was killed off by the Silent Narrator… but apparently the Narrator missed, because he was seen to be quite alive and well recently, reunited with his brother Gordo. Both brothers were hired by Duplicity Man in a plot to escape from Deficiency Boy and become his own person, which succeeded. Grodo and Gordo are still at large.

Name: Grunge the Odoriffic
Actor: John Nielsen
Found: Season 7: Episode 49
About: A grungy rocker from the 80s who knows that smelling like a man will get you women---lots of women---for as many sessions of “carnal, animal lust” as you desire. How is this possible? Through the use of “Pert Plus Perspirant,” a manly deodorant that actually MAKES you sweat, and also a product this guy is promoting.

Name: Guest-Guy
Actor: Nathan Clark
Found: Season 1: Episode 2
About: Host of an early Sports Junk segment.

Name: Gunner Stevenson
Actor: Alex Prescott
Found: Season 3: Episode 19; Season 6: Episode 41
About: Founding member of the band “Toxic Mayonnaise,” a band spanning all musical genres. Gunner is the lead vocalist and guitarist for the band. He and his brother grew up together in a small town, and after Obi-Two got fired from Denny's, they decided to use a new thing called “music” to be their platform to success---this was 1971. Two years later, they met the drummer, Irkofh Nekich, after hitting him with their car. While other bands fell victim to the temptations of drugs or other life-altering substances, Toxic Mayonnaise stayed true to themselves, and were met with prosperity. Today, they are one of the most well-known bands in the world. Gunner is the brother of Obi-Two Stevenson, his (ex-)band-mate.

Name: Gun-noise
Actor: Anthony
Found: Season 1: Episode 3
About: Weirdest Link contestant during its first episode. Votes off the original host, and is eventually killed by Caution Tape Guy.

Name: Hair-on-my-knee
Actor: Joy Schneider
Found: Season 2: Episode 9
About: It is uncertain whether she's a fellow mental patient at the same facility, or just an overzealous trespasser---but one thing is certain: she truly believes that Harry Potter is who he says he is. She claims to know him, but is barred from the facility by psychiatrists.

Name: Hännah-Hero
Actor: Johännah Larsen
Found: Season 2: Episode 16; Season 4: Episode 28; Season 5: Episode 38; Season 6: Episode 45
About: The fair-haired bride of Yakuza, the one-man-mafia, Hännah-Hero is herself an accomplished swordsman. She also went to high school with Laticia, AKA Agent L. In 2005, Yakuza went off to get the coveted “plans” as an anniversary gift for her, and she was reunited with Laticia, which thrilled her. Then she learned that Yakuza had been killed by Laticia's partner, Ex-Agent X, and struck him down, avenging her love. Enshrining Yakuza's body, she vowed to stay by his side forever, and did so for a year, at which time the body was stolen by Agent A. Agent A resurrected Yakuza, to Hännah-Hero's delight, but demanded they do him a favor in return---get the plans from Laticia's brain. A fierce battle between the swordsmen and Laticia's forces ensued, and in the end, the cookies were made, and they all let the past be in the past, renewing their friendships. They also defused a bomb left for them under the table of Eaty's by the former vice president. Following that brave act, Hännah-Hero and Yakuza were both pardoned by the U.S. government, and their aid was sought the next year, when the ex-vice president began staging bombings more openly. It was Hännah-Hero who was in charge of directly protecting President Robert E. Wee, and the new Vice President, Charlotte “Chips Ahoy” Keebler. Thanks to her they were able to escape before the ex-VP's second bomb could engulf them. During the final crisis of 2007, she and Yakuza once again stood by the Americans, this time against the threat of the Syndicate of international crime lords, an organization that Yakuza was once a member of. Together, they killed Bernard Crocker, a Syndicate member, and helped secure peace. After the destruction of the newest plans, Hännah-Hero and Yakuza went on to diplomatic works together in Japan.

Name: Hans (AKA: Mr. July)
Actor: Adam Nielsen
Found: Season 5: PDA3
About: Hans is a “math hottie,” featured in a new calendar devoted to sexy math majors, as promoted by Jared Limp, the man who masterminded the idea. Hans will be featured as “Mr. July” for the upcoming year, and goes on “The Bangshawang Hour” to promote his appearance---where he is fawned over by the hosts, Bangma, Johnisha, and Lawangsha. He likes to have his friends spray him with a hose as he crunches numbers in his head.

Name: Harry Potter
Actor: Anthony
Found: Season 2: Episode 9
About: Whether or not this boy is actually Harry Potter or just believes himself to be is never quite clear. Harry, though, certainly believes the delusion, despite scores of psychiatric professionals attempting to rehabilitate him at the mental health facility he wakes up at. Is his scar from Voldemort, or did he crash his bike? Is he an only child and a wizard, or does he have a sister? What is the meaning of the cloak? Does he really wear glasses or not? It all depends on what you believe. As time goes on, Harry begins to be convinced that he is NOT, in fact, Harry Potter---until all of a sudden he starts seeing his “Hogwarts” friends Gon Weasley, and Never Longbottom… none of whom can be seen by any of the doctors. Saddened, and realizing that there is nothing they can do, the Kindly Psychiatrist visits the clinic and reluctantly gives Harry the yellow pill---and it's all over for Harry Potter.

Name: Harry Scuttlebutt
Actor: Joey Cleary
Found: Season 7: Episode 51; Season 8: Episode 57, 58
About: The chief (and only) engineer of the Conglomeration Starship “Epitaph,” he is also the only survivor of his planet, Scotland 5. While he has a great many things left to learn about people and life in the galaxy, his knowledge of pi drives is surpassed by no other. During a recent mission, the Epitaph was ensnared in a forced field and attacked by the hostile aliens known as the Whorg. While some of the crew, including Captain Chewkotay, struggled on the planet's surface to escape the interference preventing them from beaming back, Scuttlebutt worked tirelessly aboard the vessel in tandem with Jones, Pierce, and Oray to free the ship. Blasting the Whorg with pent up emot-ions, the Epitaph got away at a high pi warp, though the engines were irreparably damaged in the process and the captain and doctor, Linda Coy, were lost to the Whorg. Soon after, the Epitaph gained a new engineer in Underchief Erin Moon, who set to work under Harry, and a new captain, Clark Lurk. Lurk ordered the ship to Lushious III where a strange energy signature was detected that they hoped to harness to fix the engines. Harry joined Tupok Jones, Quinn Versailles, Marcus Fax, Lurk, Moon, and Deckland Pierce in beaming to the planet's surface to find the source of the energy. Though it took all three teams a while to zero in on it, eventually Scuttlebutt helped distract the alien queen long enough for Jones to steal the source---but it ended up being the queen's egg. Once it hatched, the captain returned it to her with their apologies, though in her gratitude, she presented Harry and the others with an energy crystal they could easily use to repair their ship---which they had missed before.

Name: Helen 2
Actor: Johännah Larsen
Found: Season 5: Episode 39
About: This lesser-known “relative” of Helen of Troy is lesser-known for a reason… and that reason is, Random Reporter Guy fled the scene before he could make her famous, due to being annoyed by her. She just wanted to be famous, to have her big chance, and to marry a handsome emperor, but RRG ruined it all for her. While Helen of Troy is famously known as “the face that launched a thousand ships,” Helen 2 is merely “the face that launched 20 ships.”

Name: Helena Handbaskett
Actor: Julia Cleary
Found: Season 7: Episode 51
About: Lower-middle-class mom Helena has enough trials on her hands these days, what with her crappy car and her teenage son who won't even eat cat food despite her threats to beat him senseless. Thank goodness for new cleaning product “Behold!”, which put a shine on all the aspects of her life except her ruined marriage. Tah-dah!

Name: Hell Goblin
Actor: Jeremy White
Found: Season 5: Episode 36
About: Just one of many grunts working in hell. Seen assisting the Gorb Crafter as she attempted to sell some knock-off products to the general public.

Name: Helmut
Actor: Joey Cleary
Found: Season 4: Episode 25
About: Shows up on the dorm-step of Koby and Paul for one of their drunken parties, along with his friend, Olga. He and Olga had just arrived from Sweden and were eager for a taste of America. Helmut becomes extremely enamored of the supposed freedoms of the American lifestyle, and opts to stay in the country for a longer time. Very fond of the “drinky-drinky,” he drinks the most out of anyone else at the party.

Name: Helmut Poppinstuf
Actor: Anthony
Found: Season 2: Episode 10
About: The only heir to the youth hostel Häslichmuttiberg, he was kidnapped by villains seeking to bulldoze the place and put up another Starbucks. Actually, they were hoping to collect a ransom, too, but that kind of fell through when Spy #1 killed Poppinstuf.

Name: Herr Irgendwo (AKA: Mr. Somewhere)
Actor: Jeremy White
Found: Season 1: Jugendherberge
About: One of the youth hostel parents in charge of Häslichmuttiberg, and a German speaker. He is later murdered.

Name: Hezedipapa (AKA: Non-Stealthy Ninja Girl)
Actor: Holly Janka
Found: Season 2: Episode 12, 13, 15, 16; Season 3: Episode 17, 22; Season 4: Episode 26; Season 5: Episode 34, 37; Season 7: Episode 50
About: Originally a mermaid from the sea, Hezedipapa somehow gained legs and began to walk on land. She found the “Bjorn,” which had been used to trap Mo, the Surfing Mystic, on land, and brought it to him, freeing him. The two then fell in love for some time, until they broke up due to Mo's dislike of her scales. Years later, Hezedipapa happened upon the Township of Schwartz, where she found the Globe of Milkish Freakyness (which had ended up there after Ruthless Crueller ditched it). Upon touching it, she became a villaness bent on world domination, known as Non-Stealthy Ninja Girl. She began her conquest by trying to defeat the newly super Deficiency Boy, a rivalry that continues to this day. On her conquest, Hezedipapa formed the World Domination Squad, with Mo and the Confuzzler, and eventually Anarchy Lad, at her side… and nearly defeated all the forces of good. When the Orb Crafter took away everyone's powers, Hezedipapa reverted into her hippie, pacifist mermaid self for some time, and took to the waves again for soul-searching. Unfortunately for the good guys, she returned from this excursion having decided that she was truly evil, even without the Globe to back her up. Recently, Anarchy Lad fell from power, leaving Hezedipapa in charge again… and her Globe soon found itself recharged. Most recently she gathered a new World Domination Squad of Pvt. Mountain Maybe and Demonvader, and made a bid to obtain the Orb of Life from Duplicity Man, who of course double-crossed her. She was defeated when Demonvader revealed himself to be Super-Slow Reaction Man, who made off with the Orb of Life. It was finally revealed by Mo the Surfing Mystic later that after her defeat, Hezedipapa heard the tempting call of a sneakier plane of existence, and after saying her goodbyes to Mo (still trapped on the grass at that point) and giving leadership of the World Domination Squad to him, she vanished forever. Somewhere up there, she watches, stealthier than ever.

Name: Himmohito
Actor: Daniel Clark
Found: Season 1: Episode 2
About: Martial-artist and sumo wrestler, seen in a special Sports Junk presentation of the second “Trampolympics.” He battles Jabbaro Jay and is defeated, and claims to have “failed Mitsubishi.” He later steals the prize, a crystal, from Jabbaro Jay.

Name: Hob-Nob (AKA: Hodge-Podge)
Actor: Will
Found: Season 3: Episode 23
About: A criminal who was sent to prison on unknown charges, possibly gang-related. It’s unknown where he received his nickname, “Hob-Nob.” While in prison, he made friends with Martha Stewart (who gave him the pet name “Hodge-Podge”), and considers himself one of her cult followers. Hob-Nob is one of the few inmates at the prison who could tolerate the antics of the Genie. While being interviewed with his fellow inmates Skinner, Smokey, Cokey, and the Genie by news correspondent Joseph Chapman, Hob-Nob and his friends hatched a plan to escape---then ambushed the warden, and instigated a massive jailbreak. Hob-Nob is still at large, and is probably somewhere in the proximity of Martha.

Name: Hobo Santa
Actor: Ryan Wheeler
Found: Season 2: Episode 12; Season 5: Episode 34; Season 6: Episode 43
About: This bum was just lying in the middle of the road in the Township of Schwartz when Lawful Good came upon him. Attempting to rehabilitate the “home-impaired Santa,” Lawful Good made Hobo Santa his sidekick. Together, they took Deficiency Boy, a newly minted superhero, under their collective wing, and found themselves doing battle with Hezedipapa and her henchman. Hobo Santa doesn't say much, and is often seen with empty containers of alcohol (one of which he used to defeat Mountain Dont), sleeping out-of-doors somewhere he shouldn't be. After that encounter, Hobo Santa disappeared for a while, especially after Lawful Good became the arch-villain Anarchy Lad. At the peak of Anarchy Lad's chaotic evil, Deficiency Boy, The Wizard, and Insomniac Lass found Hobo Santa and used him to jar the villain's memory, transforming him back into Lawful Good through the love of the sidekick he remembered fondly. Now he is often seen traveling at Lawful's side once again.

Name: Holly Janka
Actor: (As Herself)
Found:
About: Holly's reporter persona---she was recently appointed the anchor of travel news.

Name: Hollywood Lamaramar
Actor: Laura Finch
Found: Season 1: Episode 3, 8; Season 2: Episode 10; Season 3: Episode 18
About: This clever talk show host and journalist can be found tackling mostly stories that affect the things that matter---namely, people. Thus her aptly named talk show, “People” with Hollywood Lamaramar. She has interviewed countless people, followed superheroes on patrol, and mediated conflict after conflict---all with that signature beret. Her microphone always doubles as a weapon, because hey---sometimes “people” just aren't nice.

Name: Hoodie the Chicken
Actor: Nicole (last name unknown)
Found: Season 1: Episode 4
About: Contestant on the second episode of Weirdest Link. Acts like a chicken and wears a hoodie---the name says it all, really.

Name: Hooligan #1
Actor: Amber Feldman
Found: Season 1: Episode 2
About: She's America's Least Wanted. Seriously… she's on a skateboard, and nobody wants her.

Name: Huggems
Actor: Squirrelly the Face-hugger
Found: Season 7: Episode 51; Season 8: Episode 57
About: A strange alien lifeform encountered by the crew of the starship Epitaph. While most of its species are considered hostile to humans, when wounded, Huggems attached itself to Captain Chewkotay's face on one of his missions. Surprisingly, when Linda Coy got the creature off his face, the captain then kept it as a pet aboard the ship. After Linda and Charles were abducted by the Whorg, it seems Huggems' care fell to science officer Marcus Fax.

Name: Hugh Grant
Actor: Anthony
Found: Season 2: Episode 11
About: An FBI agent, though it’s uncertain whether FBI in this case stood for “Federal Bureau of Investigation” or “Friendly Buddies of Ignats.” In August of 1985 he happened upon Insta-Corp CEO Virginia Griffin, and though accounts differ, somehow she ended up losing her short term memory. In 2004, he ended up being sued by her on “Judge Julie.” His attorney argued that he was just doing his patriotic duty in stopping a terrorist, while Griffin’s lawyer claimed he maliciously targeted her for no reason with his cell phones. The case was declared a mistrial by the voting American public and neither side won.

Name: Hydrated Howard
Actor: Kyle Kertay
Found: Season 5: Episode 34
About: More like DE-hydrated Howard---he found his life lacked vigor and that the sun's rays stole all moisture from his life. When asked “how many licks,” he had no answer---until he tried Water Classic, that is. He is now fully hydrated and loving life.

Name: Hymn
Actor: Daniel Clark
Found: Season 1: Episode 2
About: Performs the songs featured on the compilation album “Songs of the Subliminal Message.”

Name: Hypochondriac
Actor: Holly Janka
Found: Season 4: Episode 30
About: A patient of Dr. Smith Von Kluggenheimen thought to be carrying several new and undiscovered diseases. She and her doctor are guests on the second episode of “The Rear View” with Starla Simmons. This poor woman is constantly of the opinion that she’s dying, and is often tranquilized by Dr. Smith. She sprays both Starla’s couch and her face, which does not gain her many points in the talk show host’s favor. Her doctor accidentally takes an overpowered tranquilizer to the neck, putting him in a coma. It’s unknown what this patient did after her television appearance.

Name: I. Dontknow
Actor: Manfred Mueller
Found: Season 2: Episode 10
About: Representative of “Friends Against Reality Television,” he is a guest on “People” with Hollywood Lamaramar. He argues that though he is a moron, and proud of it, the stupidity of our society does not belong on TV. By the end of the show, however, he and his debate-partner, Frederick Farnsworth, realize they aren’t so different.

Name: Inarticulate Dirtman
Actor: Kyle Kertay
Found: Season 7: Episode 49
About: He is so dirty he can barely form the words to tell us. His problems (including how to catch some catfish) are all solved by the introduction of “Zote.” HOLY CRAP!

Name: Infinity
Actor: Bethany Loberg
Found: Season 2: Episode 9; Season 7: Episode 53
About: One of the anti-math freedom fighters rebelling against the Linear Sequence, Infinity joined the team just after the first defeat of the Sequence, right before Dodge Neo's appearance was corrupted. She quickly found herself the object of the Sequence's revenge, as she and Neo were ambushed by Agents Smythe, Sum, and Square and forced to fight for their survival. An acrobatic woman and accomplished fighter, Infinity is also the team member closest to Neo, and believes wholeheartedly that he is “the One.” After escaping the Sequence, Infinity and Neo continued the fight for four more years, along with their teammates More4us, Sahara, Rat, and Doze. When the Sequence rose up a third and final time, dispatching its most powerful agents before Smythe took it over, Infinity went to Crystal Ball and received from her a pineapple that would save her life on numerous occasions, including while fighting Agent Trig one-on-one while Neo escaped. Along with her team, she fought Agents Trig, Landau, and Geo and upon their destruction, became one of the survivors of the fight for freedom at long last.

Name: Ingo Martini
Actor: Anthony
Found: Season 2: Episode 11
About: On Decembuary 81^st, 2007, he and his sister Donna head for the Jones Family Retreat for some rest and relaxation. After their tour of the facilities by the Jones matriarch, Jennifer, however, Ingo and Donna overhear that there is something wrong with the Jones house. Not long after, they discover the lifeless body of Jennifer Jones, strangled by her own pants. Frantic to escape (taking a cue from Hitchcock’s “The Birds”), Ingo and Donna hurry away from the Jones retreat, attempting to get out of town. Though assisted by the Jones Family, Donna is killed before they can escape the retreat. Downhearted, Ingo drives to the Canadian border and crosses into the northern lands. In Canada, Ingo runs into the irritated Prime Minister, James Hemlock, who informs him that the pants have crossed the border thanks to Ingo. Together, Ingo and Hemlock make a harrowing journey back to the American border, so that they can drive out of town and end the evil once and for all. Ingo and Hemlock find that Ingo’s car has been stolen, and so they steal one of their own, and drive as fast as they can… out of town.

Name: Insomniac Lass
Actor: Ashley Wright
Found: Season 5: Episode 34
About: When God created Insomniac Lass, he claimed that there were “random errors in the process” and that she was “interesting.” It's unknown how long she has been around or where she came from, but she was recently appointed to be The Wizard's parole officer, and gladly accepted. She wears loud colors and a jingly hat to keep herself awake, as well as firearms, handcuffs, and a bag of Moon Sapphires given to her by Noah to keep The Wizard in line. Businesslike but not unforgiving, she quite reasonably does not trust The Wizard and keeps a sharp eye on him---always.

Name: Inspector Jeu le Deu
Actor: Jeremy White
Found: Season 5: Preview Special, Episode 33; Season 7: Episode 52
About: This notable French detective is famous for, well, being a French detective. Together with his uncannily crafty assistant MacGunda, he solves the crimes that need solving, though primarily in his home country. When a wealthy French doctor, Francois Le Onion, was murdered, Inspector Jeu le Deu and MacGunda worked hard to solve the case. A rival of American detective Swiss Rolls, Jeu was soon forced to team up with his nemesis: a visiting French diplomat, Lisette Marteau, was murdered on American soil, prompting Jeu and MacGunda to travel to the States, where they met Swiss Rolls. That case, too, was solved, and Jeu and MacGunda returned home, to presumably solve more French crimes. Later, while in France, Jeu and MacGunda were hired by Luxembourg ambassador Lou Xemberg to find a priceless French jewel---only then both the gem and the ambassador vanished. Running into Swiss Rolls and crime scene investigator Ding Dong, who forced themselves onto the case, the French detectives followed the jewel's trail until it was apparent that the kidnapping had been staged. Taking the ambassador into custody, Jeu and MacGunda ensured their country's future once again.

Name: Insta-Dog's First Client
Actor: Anthony
Found: Season 1: Episode 1
About: He tried Insta-Dog-in-a-Bottle and was so burstingly happy he couldn't remember his lines.

Name: Insta-Dog's Second Client
Actor: Manfred Mueller
Found: Season 1: Episode 1
About: He explains the wonders of re-inserting Insta-Dog into its bottle.

Name: Intelligent Sociopath
Actor: (name unknown)
Found: Season 1: Episode 6
About: This person's existence was generated entirely from the hallucinatory world projected from the Globe of Milkish Freakyness by Bad Guy Crueller, to entrap Farm Lad. He travels with the group to find the “wizard of odd,” as he lacks a conscience. Once the false world's existence unravels, however, the Intelligent Sociopath continues to exist in the real world---for a time, anyway.

Name: Interstellar Ambassador
Actor: Jenna (last name unknown)
Found: Season 1: Episode 4
About: Alien ambassador from the planet Looneyloonkins. It's her first visit to Earth, and what does she do? Why, she becomes a contestant on the second episode of Weirdest Link, that's what. And here you were expecting a scuffle with Will Smith.

Name: Irkofh Nekich
Actor: Victor Prescott
Found: Season 3: Episode 19; Season 6: Episode 41
About: Member of the band “Toxic Mayonnaise,” a band spanning all musical genres. It is unknown just what Irkofh is or where he came from, but in 1973, the other two band members, Gunner and Obi-Two Stevenson, accidentally hit Irkofh while parking their car. Unfazed, Nekich became their drummer, and is paid in corn dogs every day. While other bands fell victim to the temptation of drugs or other life-altering substances, Toxic Mayonnaise stayed true to themselves, and were met with prosperity. Today, they are one of the most well-known bands in the world. The only English phrases Irkofh can say are “corn dogs” and “Toxic Mayonnaise,” the band's name.

Name: Ivan
Actor: Jeremy White
Found: Season 6: Episode 48
About: Communist underling to General Gobolov seen selling the helpless masses “Revolut Dental” on multiple networks.

Name: J
Actor: Joseph Chapman
Found: Season 1: Episode 7
About: Technical assistant to superspy Germs Band. J is in charge of inventing (and explaining) all the cool spy gadgets to Band. He does so with gusto.

Name: Jabbaro Jay
Actor: Nathan Clark
Found: Season 1: Episode 2
About: Martial-artist and sumo wrestler, seen in a special Sports Junk presentation of the second “Trampolympics.” He battles Himmohito and claims victory, though the crystal is eventually stolen from him by his opponent.

Name: Jack
Actor: Nathan Clark
Found: Season 1: Episode 2
About: A poor boy. He tries to create a kidney-beanstalk.

Name: James Hemlock
Actor: Jeremy White
Found: Season 2: Episode 11
About: The Canadian Prime Minister as of Decembuary 2007. Hemlock finds himself in hot water when an unknown fluke causes pants to start killing people. He is aware of many things due to his connections, such as the fact that one must drive out of town to be safe, and that pairs of shorts are incapable of hurting people. He employs Canuck Kent and Canuck Jones as bodyguards, though both are eventually killed in the journey to escape with Ingo Martini back to America (to get in a car, and drive out of town). He is also responsible for a fairly unpopular “No Running in Canada” decree. In the end, Hemlock and Martini steal a car at the border and drive as fast as they can… away from the pants.

Name: Japanese Guy
Actor: Manfred Mueller
Found: Season 1: Episode 1
About: The second of two sumo-wrestling combatants in the first edition of “Trampolympics.” He and his opponent suffered a mutual loss, then got re-animated in time to send the Judge to his death.

Name: Jared Limp
Actor: Anthony
Found: Season 5: PDA3
About: While this guy may or may not be “lacking” in certain areas, no one can say he has bad business sense. Mastermind of a series of calendars featuring sexy math majors, or “math hotties,” he goes on “The Bangshawang Hour” to promote his newest calendar. At first he thought he'd booked an appearance on “The Rear View,” but he was gravely mistaken. His calendars in the past have also featured sexy calculators.

Name: Jeb Jones
Actor: John Nielsen
Found: Season 2: Episode 11
About: One of the many sons of Jennifer Jones and Mr. Jones, owners of the Jones Family Retreat. Jeb, according to him, “knows all species of pants,” so when pairs of pants started killing everyone at the vacation spot, it seemed like he’d have a good chance to survive, but this wasn’t so---as he attempted to help Ingo and Donna Martini escape the resort, the pants killed him too. Brother to Jim, Paul, Canuck, Distraction, and Tall-Skinny Jones, and cousin to Philadelphia Jones. Dresses like a caveman.

Name: Jeffer
Actor: Jeremy White
Found: Season 3: Episode 20; Season 5: Preview Special; Season 6: Episode 47, 48
About: A questionable homeless man who used to live on the front lawn of the wealthy Rico Suavé. When Rico offered a room in his home to the winner of the show “Acquaintances: The Home Version,” Jeffer eagerly competed (as he said, “to get the house”) against Niles, a neat-freak from the previous incarnation of Acquaintances. Though Jeffer played hard, in the end, Niles won “Acquaintances: The Home Version,” earning the coveted roommate spot----though Rico did give Jeffer a hammer and a pair of scissors so that he could go build a home of his own. Later, he competed as a contestant on the third episode of “Weirdest Link” and actually won, though it is unknown what he did with the money. Likes rooting through trash and stealing things, and dislikes spiders. Seen on a promo for “The Bachelorish: Sleeping Booty,” a game show in which eligible bachelors compete for the hand of a comatose sixteen-year-old girl, a competition that he apparently didn't much care for. Most recently he showed up as “Bachelorish #5” on the newest installment of “Visually Impaired Date,” a show for singles. Though more than one contestant seemed interested in his, um, charms, he ended up leaving empty-handed as far as we can tell. Soon after, due to his connection to two demon-possessed people, he was approached by Calvin Citruscide, the apprentice to demon-hunter Lor Crawford, under some bleachers. Jeffer directed Calvin to the services of one Cypress the Wise, and was last seen under those same bleachers.

Name: Jeffrey Martin Scott Allahaimus Michigan (AKA: Jonathan Newman)
Actor: Adam Nielsen
Found: Season 2: Episode 11
About: The assistant to Virginia Griffin, leader of “Insta-Corp.” He appears as a witness for the prosecution on “Judge Julie,” in an episode in which Virginia is the plaintiff---suing for her loss of short term memory due to an incident in 1985. “Little Michigan” as he was nicknamed took the stand, as he had been a witness to the event, but had clearly dropped acid or something since then, as his flashback made no sense (and he had the gall to invite the bailiff into it). His testimony was later stricken from the record.

Name: Jennifer Jones (AKA: Mrs. Jones)
Actor: John Nielsen
Found: Season 2: Episode 11
About: Matriarch of the Jones family and proprietor of the Jones Family Retreat, a pricey vacation spot. When visited by siblings Ingo and Donna (whose name she thought was “Downa”) Martini in Decembuary 2007, she gladly opens her home up to them (well, as long as they can afford it). Soon, she realizes something is wrong with the house, but before she can discern just what, her freshly dried laundry load of pants strangle her to death. The Martinis discover her body and quickly attempt to escape the Retreat, with pants at every turn. Jennifer is the wife of Mr. Jones; she is the mother of Jim, Paul, Jeb, Canuck, Distraction, and Tall-Skinny Jones, and possibly countless others (no one really knows). She is also the aunt of the famed archaeologist, Philadelphia Jones.

Name: Jeremy Chapman
Actor: Holly Janka
Found: Season 4: Episode 29
About: No one can really be sure of this woman’s real name, as she is rarely herself. A schizophrenic whose personality corresponds to television programs, she was on a celebrity-filled plane that crashed, stranding her and several others on a desert island. Vinny, another castaway, had absolutely no patience for her antics. During her stay on the island, she thought herself to be characters from “The X-Files,” “I Love Lucy,” “Malcolm in the Middle,” game shows, and infomercials, as well as the host from “Blue’s Clues.” She made friends with George Buttersworth, though the rest of the survivors seemed to be weirded out by her ways. Eventually, she and the other castaways were rescued by the Love Boat.

Name: Jesus Jones
Actor: Joey Cleary
Found: Season 6: Episode 47
About: Featured as the first of a series of five “Bachelorishes” on the return of the popular show “Visually Impaired Date.” Jesus Jones is a preacher of the lord, as he tells the female contestant, Grace. He enjoys praying, sleeping, going to church, and watching “The Passion of the Christ.” A very enthusiastic man, despite being a clean-cut gentleman he was too tight-laced for Grace, despite taking her on a date to the church he works at. A member of Jones' own flock, Little Man Chad, stole Grace's heart instead, but as luck (or heaven?) would have it, Jesus Jones ended up with the third Bachelorish, Ms. Marjorie Bergen, instead. Enjoys eating at “Gellatto's.” He has no relation to the famous “Jones” family, and according to a semi-reliable source used to be named “Jesus Jason,” the brother of both Tommy Jason and Vinny Vici, who all apparently changed their last names due to a dislike of one another.

Name: Jethro Tumorickis
Actor: Jeremy White
Found: Season 4: Episode 29
About: One of the thirteen children of Tumorickis. Jethro got his seventh-grade girlfriend pregnant, much to his father’s increased agony.

Name: Jim
Actor: Michael Cunningham
Found: Season 1: Episode 1
About: The guy upstairs. Apparently he got stuck in the elevator, or a ventilation shaft or something---but he still does his best to counsel Billy Bob Bozeman about the meaning of his life. Jim even suggests Billy eat some fruit… how helpful!

Name: Jim Jones
Actor: Michael Cunningham
Found: Season 2: Episode 11
About: The teenage son of Mr. Jones and Jennifer Jones, he helps his parents run the Jones Family Retreat, an expensive vacation spot. When Ingo and Donna Martini come to visit, pairs of pants start killing everyone at the retreat, starting with Jim’s mother, and his brothers Paul and Jeb. Jim escaped the resort and got as far as the Canadian border on foot, but was killed by pants as well. Also brother to Canuck, Distraction, and Tall-Skinny Jones, and cousin to Philadelphia Jones.

Name: Jimmy Crudocron
Actor: Nathan Clark
Found: Season 1: Episode 2
About: Interviewed by the “Ultimate” Mister Cleo, a psychic, Jimmy's future is laid bare before him. He is shocked and amazed, indeed.

Name: Jimmy James Jongo
Actor: Anthony
Found: Season 1: Episode 1
About: Jimmy often found himself bullied on the playground by Frederick, but thanks to Anger-Away, he doesn't have to worry about that anymore. Thanks, Anger-Away!

Name: Jimmy Jimmie
Actor: Daniel Clark
Found: Season 1: Episode 2
About: Contestant on “Who Wants to be a Marmoset.” He's from Idaho. He makes the finals, but doesn't win. Booted by the host.

Name: Jimmy J'jimmajim
Actor: Anthony
Found: Season 1: Episode 5
About: Candidate for the 2002 Suburban City Governor Elections, representing the Fashionless Party. Given the fact that his debate partner from the same party, Mr. Raccoon, is choked to unconsciousness, he is chosen to advance to the next round of debate---but loses the governorship to the Wild Aboriginal, of the Cheesemonger Party.

Name: Jimmy Neutron
Actor: Stephen Glantz
Found: Season 1: Episode 2
About: Surprisingly, NOT computer-animated. Nor is he a kid genius. Contestant on “Who Wants to be a Marmoset.” Throttled by the host for insubordination, he obviously does not win.

Name: Jingly the Tree Fairy
Actor: John Nielsen
Found: Season 4: Episode 31
About: This creature, as one might expect, lives in a tree most of the time. The creatures of the forest assisted in dying Jingly’s hair, though they formed a union and are now demanding fair wages. The tree fairy was interviewed by news correspondent Joseph Chapman during a closeup on trees, and seems just a few nuts short of a full stash. Jingly also took part in a forum debate on trees with two lumberjacks, two hippies, a scientist, and a proponent of using wood to build homes. As Jingly says, “if you can’t take the heat, get off Earth.”

Name: Joan/Jim of Arc
Actor: Will
Found: Season 3: Episode 21; Season 4: Episode 26
About: This French teenager got way more than he bargained for when Random Reporter Guy approached him in a field, pretending to be the arch-angel, Michael. Insane, Random Reporter Guy offered Jim of Arc a man in exchange for driving out the English from France. Confused but willing, Jim formed an army and disguised himself as a woman, calling himself “Joan.” Joan of Arc was thought to have been burned at the stake, but this was a clever ruse---the “man” provided by Reporter Guy, Fernando, was a skilled maker of mannequins, and put one in Joan’s place, which they burned instead. Jim and Fernando have been dating in the ensuing centuries ever since, a fact they rubbed in The Wizard’s face quite recently.

Name: Joey Cleary
Actor: (As Himself)
Found:
About: Appearing less frequently to report the news, and far more frequently as the contractually-bound taste-tester on Cooking Corner, this is Joey as himself.

Name: Jogger
Actor: Johännah Larsen
Found: Season 4: Episode 28
About: Just a woman trying to jog in the big city. Agent R, or Randy, attempts to hit on her despite her clear disinterest in his “affections.” A despondent Agent A also asks her if she has seen Karen Smart, showing her a missing persons poster. She needs to find a new place to jog with less secret agents about.

Name: Johännah Larsen
Actor: (As Herself)
Found:
About: C80's official weather forecaster as well as sports junk correspondent, this is Johännah's reporter persona.

Name: John Adams
Actor: Ryan Wheeler
Found: Season 4: Episode 25
About: An underage high schooler who was brought to a drunken college party by the Questionable Santa. He likes going to raves, and gets along well with Helmut, a guy from Sweden, at the party. Though he is somehow related to his friend, John Quincy Adams, who also attends the party with him, they are not father and son.

Name: Johnisha Doitz (pronounced 'DEW-itz')
Actor: John Nielsen
Found: Season 5: PDA3
About: A trashy girl, friend to Bangma Krotch and Lawangsha, with whom she hosts a slutty talk show, “The Bangshawang Hour.” Considering that Bangma is from another existence, it's unknown how the trio met, but they are great friends regardless. Like, totally.

Name: John Johnson
Actor: Jeremy White
Found: Season 1: Episode 6, 8; Season 2: Episode 9, 13; Season 4: Episode 27; Season 5: Episode 33; Season 6: Episode 42; Season 7: Episode 50; Season 8: Episode 61
About: C80's crossover news affiliate/rival reporter, from Channel 586 News. His father was a newsman, and John himself has an exciting history of interviewing everything from corrupt politicians to warmongering cavemen to insane lumberjacks. At C80, he has worked with Joseph Chapman and Hollywood Lamaramar, some of the best in their field, and enjoys covering “earthy” topics like mud and sentient sand, as well as earth-shattering topics like tagging along with Super-Slow Reaction Man and Deficiency Boy. (He is also the reporter persona for Jeremy White---as he already had one invented when the time came. Why fix what's not broken? ;D)

Name: John Nielsen
Actor: (As Himself)
Found:
About: John’s reporter persona, who also often co-hosts Cooking Corner. John as himself!

Name: John Online (AKA: JOL)
Actor: --- (Main Animator: John Nielsen)
Found: Season 3: Episode 20; Season 4: Episode 25, 32; Season 6: Presidential, Episode 44; Season 7: Episode 49
About: Internet service provider that was deemed the successor to the wildly popular Manfred Online ISP (MOL). John Online, or JOL, is still just a beta, but has proven equally successful thus far. As the 2008 election year approached, like its predecessor, John Online Beta decided to run for president, with the nefarious math program Linear Sequence as its running mate. Recently got jumped by Netzero and Juno, and, in critical condition, died… or as much as an ISP can die. Was taken into the heavens by MSN, eulogized by Vista, mourned by Manfred Online, and avenged by Kyle Online (KOL), but have we heard the last of him? Only time will tell.

Name: Johnosh Poke’ha
Actor: John Nielsen
Found: Season 3: Episode 24
About: Johnosh, a foreigner of unknown origin, entered the post office one day to mail something, and got a papercut from a postcard inhabited by the demon Steevo the Postarian. With one tiny papercut, Johnosh became Steevo’s mindless slave, whom he used to help the evil postal workers kidnap a baby so that Steevo could rise to power (without the baby, Steevo was powerless to combat the allergens in our world). Johnosh took this mission to heart, and became a fierce bodyguard for Steevo until he was able to take a physical form. When the mailmen brought baby Bologna to Johnosh, he was confronted by Bologna’s mother, Elaina---and Johnosh offered to give the baby back if Elaina would marry him (which she of course refused). Soon, the Postbusters were on the scene, and Johnosh was defeated by Suck Vacuum’s bottled dog drool. He was presumably free of Steevo’s possession after that.

Name: John Quincy Adams
Actor: Jordan White
Found: Season 4: Episode 25
About: An underage high schooler who was brought to a drunken college party by the Questionable Santa. He has such a great time that he forever swears off education in favor of partying all the time. Though he is somehow related to his friend, John Adams, who also attends the party with him, they are not father and son.

Name: Joker, The
Actor: Joey Cleary
Found: Season 6: Episode 44; Season 7: Episode 52
About: The Clown Prince of Crime, as seen in a Meaning of Life segment. His incarnation from The Dark Knight is later seen selling us anti-depressants (or, in his words, “They're already in your food”).

Name: Jordan White
Actor: (As Himself)
Found:
About: Jordan's reporter persona, seen here and there. Bonus: he comes with previous news-reading experience from another network!

Name: José Margarita
Actor: Joey Cleary
Found: Season 3: Episode 18
About: Appears as a guest on “People” with Hollywood Lamaramar. Representing Taco Bell, who was accused by the other guest, Svetlana, of causing flooding in the Ukraine due to salivating over the tacos. Though he is a very vocal proponent of his cause, eventually the two come to a compromise---Taco Bell will help build canals to make use of all the drool for farming. He doesn't hug.

Name: Joseph Chapman
Actor: (As Himself)
Found:
About: Whether it's a simple news brief, a captivating in-depth report, or merely the Useless Weather, Joe can almost always be found right there in the midst of things. While Joe's reporter persona is in essence himself, it is of note that he plays a slightly exaggerated version---for example, a far bigger ego and more news-ish tendencies than Joe actually has. He began the 98% adhered-to Channel 80 News tradition of the actors playing themselves when reporting anything.

Name: Joseph Decaulkey (AKA: Enrique-Ron)
Actor: Chris Steere
Found: Season 5: Episode 34
About: This wealthy man appeared as a guest on the fourth episode of “The Rear View” with Starla Simmons. A stockbroker, he prefers to buy stocks when they're going down because “they're cheaper.” A life on Wall Street has left Decaulkey a somewhat disturbed individual---he has a chip implanted in his brain that delivers an electric shock to his body whenever he has a “dirty thought.” He is also an admitted necrophiliac and suffers from memory problems, blacking out when under pressure (such as the pressure from being interviewed by Starla Simmons). He claims to come from aristocracy, though Starla claims his parents were both “poor women.” Of course, she was also under the impression that his name was “Enrique-Ron,” which it most definitely is not.

Name: Joseph Leonard Michael Trogdor Cleary
Actor: Anthony
Found: Season 2: Episode 10
About: An average suburban teen on a calm summer that turned out to be a little too calm. After his friends Jill, Bryan and Bethany got hooked on a new soda, Frist, Joseph thought he just might try it out too. That is, until his dead friend Reginald came back as a ghost to waaaaarn him. After conducting several scientific tests on the beverage, Joseph couldn’t find anything wrong with it, and so drank it too. And, of course, he became a zombie.

Name: Jovial Joey
Actor: Joey Cleary
Found: Season 7: Episode 53
About: One boring day, instead of watching a movie, he felt like reading a book, and called 'Book Phone' to help make a decision on what to read. He was satisfied with every part of the service except the $17.99 fee.

Name: Joy Schneider
Actor: (As Herself)
Found:
About: Joy's reporter persona.

Name: Judge Julie
Actor: Jill Severson
Found: Season 2: Episode 11
About: Host of a courtroom TV show in which America calls in to vote, deciding the verdict. Judge Julie is a woman you don’t mess with, as evidenced by her constant reprimanding of anyone who uses a cell phone in her courtroom, and especially her easily distracted bailiff, Bailiff Billy. Her first show dealt with “the case of the cell phones (and the memory loss) #1079.” News correspondent Joseph Chapman mentions in the “Search for Happy” that many higher-ups on the corporate ladder know Judge Julie. Starla Simmons, host of the celebrity chatfest “The Rear View,” is also acquainted with Julie.

Name: Julia
Actor: Julia Cleary
Found: Season 5: PDA3
About: This girl wants her friend Tom to come over for dinner to give her fashion advice, so straps a message to Lord Dibbs and sends it on over. She soon learns (from the Gay Ranger and Noah) that animals are no longer used to communicate. F-Mobile shows her the light with their newest model cell phone.

Name: Julio Garcia
Actor: Johännah Larsen
Found: Season 4: Episode 30
About: This Latin heartthrob(?) is a guest on the second episode of “The Rear View” with Starla Simmons. A singer, Julio Garcia released an album, “Jalapeno Burrito,” which, according to Starla, is “spanning the charts and hopping the fences.” Julio seems to have trouble pronouncing the Spanish language, but that doesn’t deter Starla from loving the album.

Name: Jurgen
Actor: John Nielsen
Found: Season 7: Episode 49; Season 8: Episode 61
About: Champion of Recycla-Ball from Sweden. The height of his career was breaking the previous record of “15,000 dollars received” for turning in recyclable goods. “It's always good to start early, but never too late!” is his motto for the youngsters. In a less positive turn to his role model days, Jurgen led several environmental protests against Ronald Rump and his company due to their suspected dumping of hazardous waste in the river of the Weiß Township, and when Rump turned up dead soon thereafter, Jurgen was a prime suspect in the murder investigation. Interviewed by Frank Marconi from the crime lab, Jurgen denied all involvement and soon enough his good name was cleared when the true culprit, Secretarius, was arrested.

Name: Kalmundo Rifkin
Actor: Jordan White
Found: Season 7: Episode 54, 55; Season 8: Episode 60
About: An expert at hunting and tracking who was recently found in the employ of Duplicity Man. His assistance allowed Duplicity Man more bargaining leverage in a showdown with SSRM and Lawful Good, but after Duplicity Man hired Dädder Frampton to their group, Kalmundo seemed more interested in following the lead of Thaddius Morten. Most of the facts about this knife-wielding villain are still unknown, though he seems to possess enhanced senses as he noted that “clones have a distinct scent.” Soon after this introduction, Kalmundo was found once again tracking both the heroes and Thaddius, to the latter's secret annoyance. He attacked Deficiency Boy and caught him off-guard but was unprepared for the telekinesis wielded by new hero Lucky Twitch. Joining with Thaddius, Dädder, and Bernard Foress, Kalmundo faced all the superheroes in combat. After the fight broke off, the hunter-tracker once again opted to follow Thaddius rather than Dädder. Later, seemingly on the orders of Thaddius, Kalmundo tracked Deficiency Boy, Lucky Twitch, and Farm Lass to the Falls of Power where they were in search of Duplicity Man. Kalmundo exchanged some cold words with DB before falling back to observe a heated battle between the heroes, the mysterious Nomad, and Bernard Foress (who was possessed by Dorgo the Dark Mystic). Following the battle, Kalmundo tracked down Nomad and learned many things.

Name: Kayaking Mystic, The (AKA: The Keymaster)
Actor: Bethany Loberg
Found: Season 2: Episode 9, 14
About: She was the first Mystic ever encountered by our heroes, and an important one at that: for untold ages she guarded the Orb of Completely Powerful Power. When competing factions sought the orb, she challenged them with her riddles, before entrusting the orb to Captain Obvious. It soon helped in the resurrection of SSRM, and disappeared from this plane of existence. With her job over, she moved to another town to help the Water-skiing Mystic in his struggle against the Amish over control of the local river. Thanks to Deficiency Boy, that conflict was also resolved. The Kayaking Mystic is the sister of Mo, the infamous Surfing Mystic from the Edge of the World. She also apparently gave Swiss Rolls a boat at one time, though it was later sabotaged and sunk by Ex-Vice-Mayor Tim.

Name: Kenneth
Actor: Kenneth Strahn
Found: Season 1: Episode 8
About: The leading expert on racist sheep---or at least sheep that the rest of the C80 crew readily accuse of being racist.

Name: Kev Handbaskett
Actor: Jeremy White
Found: Season 7: Episode 51
About: The teenage son of Helena Handbaskett. His apathy towards household chores and his unwillingness to eat cat food for dinner despite his mother's threats to beat him is putting a strain on the entire family! Thank goodness for new cleaning product “Behold!,” which makes even the toughest of cleaning chores easier.

Name: Kindly Psychiatrist
Actor: Bethany Loberg
Found: Season 2: Episode 9
About: Working at a mental health facility, our tale begins when she finds one of her patients, a boy professing to be Harry Potter, outside the facility (apparently escaped). She spends the coming weeks rehabilitating Harry, in an effort to convince him that he is not, in fact, Harry Potter. The treatment works at first, and she believes that in time, she will only have to give Harry the routine (and pleasant) “caramel pill.” However, Potter suffers a psychotic break, experiencing full blown hallucinations of his “friends” right in front of her---and reluctantly, she comes to the conclusion that nothing can help him. Thus, she sadly gives Harry the “yellow pill,” and it's curtains for the boy wizard.

Name: King Arthur
Actor: Josh Adelman
Found: Season 5: Episode 39
About: The mythical king of England, it seems, did indeed exist, thanks to The Wizard, then wandering the world as Random Reporter Guy. Interviewed by RRG, Arthur showed off his “crib,” and explained how he rose to power. Reports that The Wizard and Merlin are one and the same are completely unsubstantiated.

Name: King Henry VIII
Actor: Kyle Noon
Found: Season 5: Episode 39
About: Troubled by his wife, Catherine of Aragon, and his marriage, and the pope, Henry went for a walk one day and ran into Random Reporter Guy… who gave him some very blunt advice: divorce the church, then divorce his wife, then cut her head off. As we all know, Henry took this advice a little too closely to heart.

Name: Koby
Actor: Kyle Kertay
Found: Season 2: PDA; Season 4: Episode 25; Season 5: Episode 36; Season 7: PDA4
About: Koby, a college student, was always into the party scene. In “Drinking Problem of the Ages,” we got to see Koby bring his friend Paul into that same drunken lifestyle while Koby's roommate was away one weekend. Ever willing to drink and party, Koby ended up having Paul as a roommate the next year, and continued his ways. He ended up hooking up with Olga, who flew in from Europe, but it's entirely possible that he spiked her drink. If there's a lowest common denominator on campus, it would be Koby.

Name: Koopa Troopa
Actor: Adam Nielsen
Found: Season 4: Episode 32
About: The most sarcastic Koopa Troopa you will ever meet. Hard up for some cash, he was hired by Luigi to be an assistant, and a bouncer, on the Mario Bros. cooking show, “Melee Munchies.” Dislikes the Mario Bros., beats up Ness, and thinks that Wario sucks. The Koopa does, however, enjoy having an ice-cold glass of Mike’s Hard Lime-ade after a hard day of “henching.” Eventually the Bros. wise up and beat the tar out of him.

Name:Koosh Ambassador
Actor: Tentacle Dave
Found: Season 8: Episode 57
About: Ambassador of the Koosh people, they were encountered by the crew of the starship Epitaph as headed by Captain Charles Chewkotay. The Koosh people were peaceful and merely wished for assistance in exploring the galaxy, and as such the ambassadors were delivered by Chewkotay, Quinn Versailles, Marcus Fax and Linda Coy to the surface of the planet Tacomabydos in the Unknownth Sector of space. Though the Epitaph crew came under attack by the Whorg soon after parting ways with the Koosh, it is assumed the Koosh people were shielded from detection by occupying former Glue'old ruins on the planet.

Name: Koosh Ambassador #2
Actor: Koosh
Found: Season 8: Episode 57
About: Ambassador of the Koosh people, they were encountered by the crew of the starship Epitaph as headed by Captain Charles Chewkotay. The Koosh people were peaceful and merely wished for assistance in exploring the galaxy, and as such the ambassadors were delivered by Chewkotay, Quinn Versailles, Marcus Fax and Linda Coy to the surface of the planet Tacomabydos in the Unknownth Sector of space. Though the Epitaph crew came under attack by the Whorg soon after parting ways with the Koosh, it is assumed the Koosh people were shielded from detection by occupying former Glue'old ruins on the planet.

Name: Kyle Kertay
Actor: (As Himself)
Found:
About: Kyle's reporter persona---he was recently appointed to be in charge of technology reports.

Name: Kyle Online (AKA: KOL)
Actor: ---
Found: Season 6: Episode 45; Season 7: Episode 49
About: Internet service provider that rose up as a friendly rival to John Online (JOL) after JOL's run for president ended with it getting put into critical condition by an assassination attempt. Kyle Online enjoys saving cows from AOL amongst other activities. Upon John Online's death, KOL avenged his honor by beating the crap out of Netzero, Juno, and Earthlink. Has currently released 1.0 and 2.0 versions.


Characters Continued

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