Welcome to the Artifacts and Lore page, your one-stop shop for some of the mysterious and wonderful treasures in the universe of C80 and its assorted lore! Feel free to look around, but only touch at your own risk---you never know what these artifacts might be capable of until it's too late! That, and the Curator would sooner put you behind glass for all eternity than let you upset the sanctity of her museum. But, without further ado, here we go.
~*~
The Orb of Completely Powerful Power
Its true potential has never been
discovered. What is known is that it was the first orb ever created by THE ORB
CRAFTER, and from it, the Globe of Power was formed. Tiny, ribbed,
orange, nondescript---it was rudimentary, a starting point, not particularly
eye-catching in any way, which was fortunate. For eons it was watched over by
THE KAYAKING MYSTIC, whom even among Mystics was known as one of the most
trustworthy and wise. By the modern age, many rumors about this Orb had spread
across the world.
When its
location was finally discovered, all factions rushed to recover it. RUTHLESS
CRUELLER and her henchmen, GORDO and GRODO, arrived first, but were unable to
solve the Mystic's riddle. Working independently, MISTER EYE attempted bribery,
but also failed. The Kayaking Mystic only bestowed the Orb of Completely
Powerful Power to CAPTAIN OBVIOUS, who was traveling with an ethereal SUPER SLOW
REACTION MAN and MANFRAUD DUELLER (2-9-SSRM5).
A mighty
battle ensued over the Orb, but its powers only activated when touched by Super
Slow Reaction Man, and it gave him life anew, ending his neon-dependent limbo
existence and restoring his original powers. It is uncertain precisely what
happened after that, but those who were there that day seem to think the magic
of the Orb, coupled with the powers of THE SILENT NARRATOR nearly killed all
present before the Orb slipped away from this dimension to lay dormant and
hidden, lest those with evil in their hearts abuse its powers
(2-9-SSRM5).
It has not
been seen since (by mortal eyes, anyway).
The Globe
of Power
Easily one of the most famous creations of THE ORB CRAFTER, the Globe of Power
was created using the first orb, the Orb of Completely Powerful Power, in
ancient times. For a time, the Globe of Power sported a look of molten fury, but
over the eons it cooled and retained the appearance of the planet Earth itself.
When the
world was accidentally flooded by THE WIZARD, the Orb Crafter used it to craft
the Orb of Evolution, the Cloning Sphere, the Orb of Life,
and the Orb of Strife. It was then given to NOAH to hand over to his
trusted mechanic, AVERAG E. GUY, who became the superhero SUPER SLOW REACTION
MAN after connecting with its powers
(3-21-WZ1).
The tipping scales of power surrounding this Globe have caused a constant
struggle between SSRM and his arch-nemesis, MANDREAD CRUELLER. Following their
first real showdown, the Globe fell into Mandread's hands
(1-1-SSRM1).
However, when Super Slow Reaction Man recovered the Globe, the reconnection was
so powerful that the shockwave incapacitated Crueller and GORDO, and killed FARM
LAD (who upon being cloned was his old self again). In addition, on that day the
Globe became infused in Super Slow Reaction Man's body, where it remained for
some time (1-3-SSRM2).
Following the fall, return, and disappearance of Super Slow Reaction Man, some
worried that the Globe of Power had forsaken the world, but in a time of doubt,
PORCU-DUCK assured CAPTAIN OBVIOUS that the Globe would always live on in the
hearts of those who truly believed
(2-14-DB3).
Much later, Super Slow Reaction Man returned to the forefront of heroism, and,
in an attempt to assist his fellow comrades in their fight against evil,
transported LAWFUL GOOD, DEFICIENCY BOY and himself into a spiritual plane
existing within the Globe so that the latter two could embark upon a training
exercise (5-37-DB11).
In more recent times, Super Slow Reaction Man has taken to carrying the Globe of
Power itself around again so that he may use it as a tool---most recently
revealing its capacity to judge the hearts of others and as a navigation aid
(7-54-SHS1).
The Globe of Milkish Freakyness
THE ORB CRAFTER has never spoken of this Orb openly, but it has seemingly always
been a symbol of evil despite her good intentions---if indeed she created it at
all. With its relation to food due to its milky nature, it has always lain
hidden amongst our groceries, waiting to be found.
It first
gained notoriety when discovered in a box of cereal by MANDREAD CRUELLER, though
it is unknown how it got into the cereal in the first place. It gave him
power---more terrible power---though his nature was already too twisted to
alter. Crueller used the Globe to twist FARM LAD into madness on one occasion
(1-3-SSRM2).
The Globe then made its way into the hands of Mandread's brother, BAD GUY, who
used it (once more against Farm Lad) to trap the heroes in a crushing
illusion-world (1-6-SSRM3).
Once the brothers joined forces, Mandread
attempted to infuse Bad Guy with the Globe of Milkish Freakyness, which for
reasons unknown, actually failed
(1-6-SSRM3.5).
Following the
death of SUPER SLOW REACTION MAN, when the Crueller brothers had left the active
villain scene, their sister RUTHLESS CRUELLER inherited Milkish Freakyness and
hatched a plan to combine the nefarious globe with the Orb of Completely
Powerful Power. When she failed to obtain the latter, Ruthless hid the Globe
of Milkish Freakyness within turkey-in-a-basket and got rid of the evidence
before the heroes could suspect anything
(2-9-SSRM5).
Floating downstream, the Globe went dormant until the day it was discovered on
the shore by the young mermaid, HEZEDIPAPA, who was immediately empowered and
twisted to evil by its energy. So powerful was the darkness within her that even
when she slipped up and lost the Globe momentarily, she retained her wicked
power. As for the Globe, using it to attack DEFICIENCY BOY transformed the
novice hero into the novice villain, DUPLICITY MAN, a reflection of the darkness
dormant within Manfraud after being cloned from Mandread Crueller. When LAWFUL
GOOD tricked Duplicity Man long enough for Hezedipapa to steal the Globe back,
Duplicity Man transformed back into Deficiency Boy, but the embers of evil
remained forever within him, waiting to be ignited
(2-12-DB1).
For a time after that, the exact whereabouts of the Globe were uncertain, though
presumably it remained with Hezedipapa even after the Orb of Evolution
temporarily robbed her of her powers and turned her into a pacifist
(3-17-DB6).
Countless struggles and exchanges of power went by, but eventually, due to the
fall of ANARCHY LAD, Hezedipapa once again recharged her Globe and claimed the
top villain position in the resulting power vacuum. Enlisting PRIVATE MOUNTAIN
MAYBE and someone she thought to be DEMONVADER into her crew, Hezedipapa struck
a deal with DUPLICITY MAN in an attempt to get the Orb of Life, so she
could, of course, combine it with the Globe of Milkish Freakyness. Before she
could do that, however, Demonvader revealed himself to be Super Slow Reaction
Man, who absconded with the Orb of Life
(5-37-DB11).
Not long after this setback, Hezedipapa ascended to a sneakier plane of
existence, leaving behind the Globe of Milkish Freakyness for Duplicity Man to
eventually claim.
With the
Globe in hand, Duplicity Man became immune to the effects of the Egg of
Complete Neutrality that he stole from the farm of DADDER FRAMPTON and his
daughter, FARM LASS. Though he was forced by the heroes to relinquish the
Cloning Sphere he possessed, Duplicity Man is still in possession of the
Globe of Milkish Freakyness to this day
(7-54-SHS1).
The Cloning Sphere
One of the last orbs THE ORB CRAFTER created using the Globe of Power,
this sphere contains great and mysterious powers coveted by many---and the
number of times it has been stolen over the ages is a testament to just how much
it's coveted. It does not react the same to everyone, and indeed, there are
those who've grasped the Sphere with no effects whatsoever... but in the wrong
hands it is devastating.
Somehow, the
Cloning Sphere fell into just such a pair of hands: those of scummy mailmen and
corrupt corporate executives, who in conjunction allowed the orb to be mailed
straight to MANDREAD CRUELLER. Following FARM LAD's death after their first
encounter at his hideout, Mandread knew SUPER SLOW REACTION MAN had cloned him
back to life using a cloning trampoline, technology that lost its power after
one use (1-1-SSRM1).
Mandread and GORDO planned to use the remnants of Farm Lad's DNA on the
trampoline in combination with the Cloning Sphere to create an evil version of
SSRM's sidekick, to be dubbed "Crimson Lad."
However,
Gordo was not the most attentive henchman, and distracted by a member of the
opposite sex, he carelessly left the Cloning Sphere on a bench, where Mandread
sat on it. The result was a clone of Mandread Crueller, christened "MANFRAUD
DUELLER" by PORCU-DUCK. Though Manfraud was a clone of Crueller, he was not
necessarily evil incarnate, though he did switch sides many times thereafter. Of
course, this is one of the most famous known uses of the Cloning Sphere
(1-6-SSRM3.75).
While away on business, Mandread entrusted the Cloning Sphere and the Orb of
Evolution to Gordo's care, and Mandread's brother BAD GUY finessed both orbs
away from the henchman using a bottle of Primal Essences Shampoo. In the area
investigating the mail fraud that was responsible for Mandread acquiring said
orbs, Super Slow Reaction Man ran afoul of Bad Guy, who'd used the Orb of
Evolution to become HORRENDOUS GUY. Horrendous Guy tricked SSRM into
touching the Cloning Sphere by telling him it was the other orb. In the hands of
the hero, the Cloning Sphere discharged and cloned his powers, reversing them,
turning him into SUPER FAST REACTION MAN, with the power to react to injuries
before they were actually inflicted---leading directly to his almost immediate
death (1-8-SSRM4).
At the end of that horrific battle, THE WIZARD, just beginning to remember his
true self and long-searching for his own sealed powers, used the confusion to
slip and and steal both the Cloning Sphere and the Orb of Evolution,
which he erroneously believed to be the Moon Sapphires
(1-8-SSRM4).
Finally fretting over her possessions, the Orb Crafter stepped in after that and
took back her creations, putting them in her garden where they remained for a
time.
Much later,
when the power struggles seemed to be out of control and the Orb Crafter used
her Orb of Evolution to remove everyone's powers, she used the Cloning
Sphere to give DEFICIENCY BOY his powers back after learning that ANARCHY LAD
had cheated and kept his own (3-17-DB6).
Time passed
without incident until the fateful day that the Orb Crafter went on vacation and
entrusted her orbs to Deficiency Boy. At this time, the Cloning Sphere and the
Orb of Life were stolen from the garden by GORDO and GRODO, who, under
orders from Duplicity Man, laid a trap for DB with the orbs. When Deficiency Boy
touched both orbs, their powers combined and cloned Duplicity Man out of
Deficiency Boy, finally giving his dark side a body of his own. While Duplicity
Man lost the Orb of Life to Hezedipapa and then Super Slow Reaction Man,
he retained the Cloning Sphere for his own nefarious purposes
(5-37-DB11).
Sometime between the minting of his new body and his next encounter with the
heroes, Duplicity Man used the Cloning Sphere to create a Temporary Cloning
Sphere, a lesser, synthetic version that could nonetheless create temporary
decoy clones of himself. Following the death of Deficiency Boy, SSRM and LAWFUL
GOOD finally tracked down Duplicity Man and to preserve his evil plans he traded
the orb for his own freedom, escaping (mostly) empty-handed. The heroes then
used the Cloning Sphere on the remains of Deficiency Boy (his T-shirt) to
resurrect the superhero as good as new. Lawful Good then entrusted the orb to DB
personally before leaving the group
(7-54-SHS1).
The Orb of Evolution
One of the last Orbs THE ORB CRAFTER forged using the Globe of Power, it
is one of her most powerful and sometimes dangerous creations to date.
During its
tenure with the Ancient Swiss, this orb was used in experiments to
reverse-engineer a much-less-potent object known only as the Cube of Slight
Improvement---an artifact that was presumably lost when the Ancient Swiss
were destroyed by their own creations some time later.
It stayed
hidden for centuries, until, somehow, due to the same post-office error that
allowed MANDREAD CRUELLER to get a hold of the Cloning Sphere, it fell
into the hand's of Mandread's brother, BAD GUY.
Getting wind
of this, SUPER SLOW REACTION MAN and FARM LAD hurried to the Village of Ted to
stop the mail fraud, but were too late to stop Bad Guy. Using the Orb of
Evolution, he increased his powers tenfold, transforming into HORRENDOUS GUY.
When the battle began, Horrendous Guy easily gained the upper hand by tricking
SSRM into grasping the wrong orb, the Cloning Sphere, which reversed his
powers and made him an easy kill for the villain. In an uncharacteristic
turnabout, instead of dying, Farm Lad grabbed the Orb of Evolution and turned
into CAPTAIN OBVIOUS, a transformation that remains permanent to this day.
Horrendous Guy, on the other hand, reverted to Bad Guy after the battle was
over.
THE WIZARD,
thinking the Cloning Sphere and Orb of Evolution were his precious
Moon Sapphires, stole them both in the confusion of the moment
(1-8-SSRM4).
The Orb Crafter, of course, took her creations back from the Wizard sometime
thereafter.
The Orb of
Evolution came into the thick of things later on, after the Orb Crafter saw how
her creations were being abused and, in an effort to scale back the damage, she
used that particular Orb to power down all the other orbs in the
area---effectively rendering DEFICIENCY BOY, CAPABLE LAD, HEZEDIPAPA and even MO
THE SURFING MYSTIC powerless for a time. Her de-evolution also affected the
Orb of Strife, though ANARCHY LAD used his powers to cheat and retain
exactly that: his powers of anarchy. Still, this move by the Orb Crafter shook
up the balance of power for some time. Intended mostly as a precautionary
measure, it is thought that most of the orbs affected by the de-evolution
eventually regained their strength again, though some needed more time (and
help) than others (3-17-DB6).
Continuing his usual muleheaded persistence and defiance, The Wizard once again
stole the Orb Crafter's things from her, including the Orb of Evolution and the
Orb of Life, which he tried to sell at a garage sale. The Orb Crafter was
able to intervene and buy all of her possessions back for the small price of
some salt (3-18-CGS).
Eventually the Wizard came to realize that the Orbs were not the Moon
Sapphires and left well enough alone. When THE GOLD ORB CRAFTER emerged from
Hell in all her wickedness and wrought havoc with her own orb, the Orb Crafter
assembled a team to fight back: bestowing to NOAH the Orb of Life, she,
ironically, lent the Wizard the Orb of Evolution. In the scuffle with the
Minions of Strife, the Wizard was knocked unconscious by DEMONOBI, allowing
Anarchy Lad to use the Orb of Evolution on the Orb of Strife, finally
restoring the orb's own powers in addition to his own. The Wizard recovered the
Evolution, however, and after the battle the blue sphere was returned to the Orb
Crafter, where it remains safely in her possession
(4-30-DB9).
The Orb of Life
The basic nature of this Orb, created by THE ORB CRAFTER using the Globe of
Power, is fairly simple: to sustain, create, and give life.
During the
era when the orbs were watched over by the Ancient Swiss, the Orb of Life was
used in numerous experiments, all attempts to try and somehow reverse engineer
them. One of the researchers, subsequently known as NOMAD, was accidentally
given the gift of immortality from this orb during one of the experiments---thus
he was spared the destruction of the civilization when the experiments went
awry
(8-64-SHS5).
After the
fall of the Ancient Swiss, a Mystic known as DORGO was appointed the guardian of
this orb. However, after a time, Dorgo promised the villagers nearby great
rewards from the orb, only to twist the orb's power to that of death, and murder
the entire village, earning him the moniker of "Dark Mystic." The Orb Crafter
immediately punished Dorgo and sealed his soul away nearby, but as for the Orb
of Life, it remained hidden away in a forest near the Fall of
Power for ages without a guardian
(8-60-SHS3).
While
DEFICIENCY BOY was on sabbatical, fellow hero LAWFUL GOOD sought to claim the
Orb of Life as he thought it might help the return of SUPER SLOW REACTION MAN
from wherever he'd vanished to. With CAPTAIN OBVIOUS and CAPABLE LAD in tow,
Lawful Good neared the Orb's location, but wasn't the only one who'd done his
homework that day. The wicked HEZEDIPAPA and THE CONFUZZLER snuck in before the
heroes could take note and switched the Orb of Life for the Orb of Strife
(2-16-DB5).
Escaping with
the Orb of Life, the villains were careless, and the orb was recovered by the
Orb Crafter, who placed it in her garden
(3-17-DB6) before THE WIZARD stole it in
turn, thinking it to be a Moon Sapphire. The Orb Crafter wasted no time
in getting all her property back from the Wizard's impromptu garage sale and
keeping it safe once more (3-18-CGS).
Later, during THE GORB CRAFTER's attack on all that was good, the Orb Crafter
gave the Orb of Life to NOAH to use in battle---and indeed, he did try to use it
against the Gold Orb, but was unsuccessful as the Orb of Life really has
no weaponized powers (4-30-DB9).
After that, the Orb of Life and the Cloning Sphere were stolen from the
garden while the Orb Crafter was on vacation by GORDO and GRODO, who used them
in tandem to clone DUPLICITY MAN out of Deficiency Boy and into a body of his
own. Hezedipapa and Duplicity Man then fought over the Orb of Life, but luckily
it was recovered from their villainous clutches by a mole in her ranks her
turned out to be Super Slow Reaction Man. Returning the sphere to the Orb
Crafter, it remains safely in her care for the time being
(5-37-DB11).
The Gold Orb ("Gorb")
The Gold Orb was not, unlike most, created by THE ORB CRAFTER. It was actually
created by her evil counterpart, THE GOLD ORB CRAFTER, or "Gorb Crafter." Its
evil rivals that of even the Globe of Milkish Freakyness.
In the space
of a single day on earth, the Gold Orb Crafter was able to use this "Gorb" to
nullify her counterpart, the Orb Crafter; she transformed CAPABLE LAD into the
crazed METH LAD, as well as send BOOGIE BOY into a coma, and last but not least,
it was used to once again turn DEFICIENCY BOY into the depraved DUPLICITY MAN
(4-26-DB8/4-30-DB9).
What other powers it holds, none can say. When the Gorb Crafter returned to
earth, causing the Crafter Stalemate, the Gold Orb lost its powers with the rest
of the orbs until she went to do battle with the Orb Crafter. With the
interference of Deficiency Boy, and the resulting power explosion, the Gold Orb
became a prison for the Gorb Crafter, who is now trapped inside of it, unable to
escape (7-50-DB14).
The Orb of Restoration
During the wave of evil set upon the Earth by THE GORB CRAFTER, the wise ORB
CRAFTER was temporarily incapacitated by the Gold Orb---when she awoke to
find METH LAD in her garden, she quickly created this, the newest of her orbs.
Its name means what it says: it has the power to right wrongs and restore
balance.
Swiftly the
Orb Crafter set to work, first using the Orb of Restoration on Meth Lad,
transforming him back into CAPABLE LAD. She then attempted to use it on ANARCHY
LAD, who used DUPLICITY MAN as a human shield. Consequently, Duplicity Man
became DEFICIENCY BOY again. The Orb Crafter's attempts to use it on MO THE
SURFING MYSTIC yielded no results, for whatever evil he was perpetrating was of
his own capricious whims, thus there was nothing to be restored
(4-30-DB9).
Some time later, she (somewhat "symbolically") used the Orb of Restoration on
THE WIZARD to give him his job back---but not as the fully powered up Enforcer
of Deity Force, but rather as Deficiency Boy's new (and still powerless)
sidekick, complete with a parole officer
(5-34-DB10).
The Moon of Miscellaneous
Another mysterious creation of THE ORB CRAFTER, the Moon of Miscellaneous has
only ever been glimpsed by a few, as it is usually hidden far from prying eyes
due its unpredictable and difficult to master nature.
Thought to be a possible boon for DEFICIENCY BOY's sidekick CAPABLE LAD, and as
such the latter was sent on a quest to retrieve it
(4-30-DB9).
The heroes were unaware, however, that the orb was
guarded by several horrific traps. Capable Lad, though valiant, was unable to
overcome them, and was killed. However, after Capable Lad's failure, the
mysterious NOMAD made his way through the traps himself to recover the orb,
which he kept thereafter on his person
(8-60-SHS3).
After the orb was claimed, it was said that SUPER SLOW REACTION MAN and LAWFUL
GOOD came looking for Capable Lad and discovered his body
(6-43-DB13).
The powers of this orb were finally glimpsed when
Nomad appeared to LUCKY TWITCH and FARM LASS near the Falls of Power; Nomad was
drawn there by the escape of DORGO THE DARK MYSTIC from his arboreal prison (and
into the body of BERNARD FORESS). Nomad used the Moon of Miscellaneous to survey
Lucky and Farm Lass for dark possession, to scan the tree, and most importantly,
to generate enough flames and energy attacks to do battle against the Dark
Mystic's formidable powers. He also, incidentally, tried to kill Deficiency Boy
with it, but the latter was quick to dodge
(8-60-SHS3).
The
Orb of
Strife
The very last of the Orbs created by THE ORB CRAFTER using the Globe of Power
in the Garden of Eden. Sort of an afterthought, it was smaller than the other
globes created at that time, but possessed a dangerously mischievious nature at
its core. Like the Egg of Freedom, it did not react the same way for
everyone.
After THE
WIZARD's lapse in judgment resulted in a world-wide flood, GOD "fired" him and
left the details for NOAH and the Orb Crafter to sort out. She used the Orb of
Strife to erase the Wizard's memory, dubbing him RANDOM REPORTER GUY and causing
him to wander the earth in a stupor until his memory was inadvertantly restored
eons later (3-21-WZ1).
During the period in which the Orb Crafter was off fighting her own battles, and
entrusted her creations to the Ancient Swiss, this orb was also in the
possession of one GENERAL CHEWAGUMABAR, leader of Ancient Swiss efforts to
reverse engineer the orbs. However, a clever entity in of itself, the Orb of
Strife somehow rolled away from its masters, lost to the ages for some time
after that
(8-64-SHS5).
The Orb of Strife somehow, ages later, fell into the hands of THE CONFUZZLER,
who, under the instruction of HEZEDIPAPA, used it to play a cruel trick on
LAWFUL GOOD by switching it for the orb he was seeking, the Orb of Life.
When the chaotic orb came into contact with Lawful Good, he transformed into the
unpredictable ANARCHY LAD and also lost his memory of his life as a
superhero---and he retained the Orb of Strife for his own nefarious purposes
(2-16-DB5).
When the Orb Crafter attempted to foil the growing evil in the world by using
the Orb of Evolution to power down the orbs, curiously enough, the Orb of
Strife lost all its powers, but due to the chaotic nature of Anarchy Lad, he
himself kept his powers anyway (3-17-DB6).
Later, during a skirmish with the Orb Crafter and the Wizard, Anarchy Lad was
able to use the Orb of Evolution to restore the Orb of Strife's original
powers, which, coupled with his still-retained ones, effectively doubled his
power---though his attempts to use it on MO THE SURFING MYSTIC had no effect
(4-30-DB9).
He used this power to kidnap THE SILENT NARRATOR
and attempted to force the Narrator to give him the rank of Mystic, but the
appearance of HOBO SANTA turned him back into Lawful Good, and all his powers
evaporated. As penance for his misdeeds, Lawful Good immediately returned the
Orb of Strife to the Orb Crafter
(5-34-DB10).
The Perfectly Spherical Egg of Freedom
A quirky mystery of a creation, this artifact of THE ORB CRAFTER showed up only
briefly in the pages of history. During the period, following their initial
battle, when MANDREAD CRUELLER had stolen the Globe of Power from SUPER
SLOW REACTION MAN... that was when FARM LAD showed up ready for retaliation
(1-1-SSRM1).
He carried with him the Perfectly Spherical Egg of
Freedom, an oxymoronically-named orb of mystery.
Larger than
most other Orbs, and bright pink, it is seemingly harmless, but its chief
purpose appears to be, well, setting things free. Farm Lad wielded the Egg
against GORDO in an attempt to set him free from Mandread's control, but it only
served to knock the lackey unconscious. When Mandread and Gordo used the
Globe of Milkish Freakyness to brainwash Farm Lad, the Egg of Freedom served
to assist the Globe of Power in destroying the mind control. Ironically,
Farm Lad also died, but following his revival, the Egg of Freedom was never seen
again, by anyone that we know of.
The E-BAY GUY
employed by Mandread was known to have been selling bootleg knockoffs of the Egg
online, but the original seems to have vanished into history
(1-3-SSRM2).
The Sword
of Shribdia
The true origins of this legendary blade are not fully understood, and though it
is presumed to have been forged by THE ORB CRAFTER, only she knows for sure.
What is quite clear is this: the Sword was in high demand following MANFRAUD
DUELLER's rise to super-hero strength as DEFICIENCY BOY.
For
centuries, the Sword was kept locked up, under the semi-watchful eyes of MO, THE
SURFING MYSTIC at the Edge of the World. After his harrowing transformation into
DUPLICITY MAN for the first time, Deficiency Boy feared that his powers alone
were not enough to keep him on the good side
(2-12-DB1),
so he sought out the Sword of Shribdia, traveling to the Edge and pleading with
Mo for a taste of the blade. The Surfing Mystic was eager to please, but had
lost the key to the lock, or rather, given it to his sister, THE KAYAKING
MYSTIC, who had been busy up until recently watching over the Orb of
Completely Powerful Power herself.
Using the
"Bush of Wisdom" to glean the location of the key to Shribdia's lock, the
Surfing Mystic led Deficiency Boy to RALPH, who was holding the key for Mo's
sister as a favor. Unfortunately, HEZEDIPAPA had been hunting the sword the
entire time, and she also happened to be Mo's ex-girlfriend. While Deficiency
Boy was able to unlock the Sword of Shribdia and keep it at his side
since---before Hezedipapa could steal it---it was at the cost of losing Mo to
her evil will for some time (2-13-DB2).
The Sword of Shribdia is a source of extra strength for Deficiency Boy, but he
rarely finds himself wielding it. Once, durSH instigated by MISTER EYE, Deficiency Boy was goaded into slaying
CAPTAIN OBVIOUS with the blade. Thanks to the influence of evil still within his
body following a previous run-in with the Globe of Milkish Freakyness, DB
became his evil alter-ego, DUPLICITY MAN---though Captain Obvious soon
self-resurrected and set things to rights
(2-14-DB3).
The Sword of Shribdia sat quietly at Deficiency Boy's side until the day that
THE GORB CRAFTER showed her face on earth, and used the Gold Orb to turn
him into Duplicity Man again. While he was evil, she suppressed some of the
powers of Shribdia using its evil sister-sword, the Blade of Brishdia.
Duplicity Man notably used both Brishdia and Shribdia together to
overpower NOAH and his duel-flamingo martial arts
(4-26-DB8).
After the Orb of Restoration turned him back into Deficiency Boy, it is
possible our hero retained both swords, though after his death it seems he only
possesses Shribdia (7-50-DB14/7-55-SHS2).
The Blade
of Brishdia
The true origins of this dark and sinister sword are not fully understood, and
though it is possible that it was forged by THE GOLD ORB CRAFTER, only she knows
for sure. Brishdia is the sister-sword of the Sword of Shribdia carried
by DEFICIENCY BOY.
Brishdia was
given to DB's alter-ego, DUPLICITY MAN, as a means for his world domination
schemes to come to fruition, by the Gorb Crafter. Upon bestowing him the blade,
Gorby also seemingly used it to suppress some of the powers of the Sword of
Shribdia, though Duplicity Man duel-wielded both blades to defeat NOAH and
THE WIZARD in the Garden of Eden (4-26-DB8).
Following DM's return to being Deficiency Boy, it's possible our hero retained
both blades, though it's unknown for sure---and after his violent death, it's
unclear whether or not this sword might be lost for good
(7-50-DB14).
The Egg of Complete and Utter Neutrality
It's not known for certain just who is responsible for creating this
artifact---or indeed, even how many of them there might be out there exactly.
What we do know is fairly simple: The egg, when held, bestows upon its bearer a
complete and utter feeling of almost paralyzing neutrality. MANDREAD CRUELLER
was known to have abused one of these at one point
(1-3-EGG),
though later on it was revealed that more than one existed, as DUPLICITY MAN
happened to have stolen one from the homestead of FARM LASS. Using the Globe
of Milkish Freakyness he was able to remain immune to its neutral aura,
though given that the FRAMPTONS admitted to making an omelet out of one once,
it seems their potency varies from Egg to Egg
(7-54-SHS1).
The Ancient Swiss also experimented with Eggs of
Neutrality, even mentioning that they used a film extracted from one of them so
as to be able to safely handle the various other orbs they were experimenting
with
(8-64-SHS5).
The Shard of Chewagumabar
The Shard of Chewagumabar is a relic from a forgotten time, existing in rumor
and legend for eons. Little was known about it for so long, but it was revealed
recently that its origin comes from a manmade artifact known as The
Chewagumabar, reverse engineered from the Orbs by the Ancient Swiss working
under the wicked GENERAL CHEWAGUMABAR, during a period where their race watched
over the orbs in THE ORB CRAFTER's stead. One of the scientists on the project,
known later as NOMAD, sabotaged the Chewagumabar the day before its
field-testing. When it was tested, a horrific magical explosion caused a
cataclysm that destroyed all the Ancient Swiss save for Nomad, who'd been
protected by the Orb of Life. The Chewagumabar's explosion did not
destroy it, however, but caused it to break into many pieces
(8-60-SHS3/8-64-SHS5).
Just how many shards
exist or how they came to be is shrouded in mystery, but as for this particular
piece, we do know this much: its energy does not react the same to everyone.
It is an object of latent power, and thus was able to remain hidden for eons
despite its legendary strength. It passed from nation to nation, unnoticed.
Somehow, it ended up in the hands of the young PRIVATE MOUNTAIN DONT as he was
discharged from the service in the United Nations. Down on his luck and looking to make a profit, he
sold the Shard to MANFRAUD DUELLER in the Township of Schwartz for eleven cents.
The instant
Manfraud wore the Shard of Chewagumabar, his dual character traits polarized
into the super-hero, DEFICIENCY BOY and his evil alter ego, DUPLICITY MAN.
Deficiency Boy seemed to be dominant but Duplicity Man took over when the hero touched the Globe of Milkish Freakyness. Even after becoming
Deficiency Boy again, he retained the Shard's powers for some time
(2-12-DB1).
When the Orb Crafter took away everyone's powers using the Orb of Evolution,
Deficiency Boy was also affected, even though by that time the Shard had become
infused in his body. Eventually, the Cloning Sphere was used to restore
his powers and those of the Chewagumabar fragment
(3-17-DB6).
Later, DB became more powerful, using the Mystic powers he'd been bestowed
(2-14-DB3),
after finally getting the training to use them
(5-37-DB11).
Combining this with his power source, he was able to develop the ability to use
rudimentary telekinesis
(6-43-DB13)
and the power to heal others
(7-55-SHS2).
When
Duplicity Man enacted his evil plan to gain more power using the Cradle of
Death to clone the Shard of Chewagumabar out of himself as the Darkshard
of Chewagumabar, he gained a massive power upgrade, and as a side-effect, so
did Deficiency Boy's Shard
(8-64-SHS5).
The Fragment of Chewagumabar
This piece of Chewagumabar was found in Europe by LUCKY TWITCH at some point in
the past, bestowing upon him the potential to exert his telekinetic abilities
powerfully. When he came to America and teamed up with DEFICIENCY BOY, who
carried another shard, it seemed coincidental and they weren't even aware of it
at first, finding out only after DUPLICITY MAN tried to manipulate DB's Shard to
his own ends (8-64-SHS5).
The Moon Sapphire(s)
Once a sparkling gem of undetermined power, the Moon Sapphire was broken apart
into many tiny, glittering gems for a specific purpose long ago. When THE WIZARD
accidentally flooded the world and was relieved of his position as Enforcer of
Deity Force, his powers were taken away and impounded in the Cave of Grrraaasssh.
NOAH was commissioned to configure the Sapphires as keys to the seal keeping the
Cave closed; with THE ORB CRAFTER's help he achieved this
(3-21-WZ1).
The Wizard, when he began to regain his memory ages later, feverishly began
hunting for the Sapphires. More than once he mistook the Orbs for his quarry and
snatched them away; only later, during an interview about his life, did the
Wizard learn that Noah had the Moon Sapphires and rushed off to confront him.
During a time
of necessity, GOD ordered Noah to strike up an alliance with the Wizard despite
their rocky history. Noah gave the Wizard one tiny Moon Sapphire as incentive to
join his side, knowing full well it would do no good by itself. Following that
crisis, Noah vowed to scatter the remaining Sapphires "across the galaxy" though
before he could do that, he was ordered to return them to the Orb Crafter for
the time being (4-26-DB8;4-30-DB9).
When as a part of his rehabilitation the Wizard was commanded to become the
sidekick of DEFICIENCY BOY and got himself a parole officer, INSOMNIAC LASS, the
officer in question was given the bag of Moon Sapphires to keep the Wizard in
line, and a fragment of their ambient energy was used to temporarily charge his
wand (5-34-DB10).
Soon after, the verdict handed down at the Wizard's hearing dictated that he
receive "almost all" of his powers back, and thus Noah was commissioned to forge
the Sapphires into a single Moon Sapphire again, the completed gem being given
to the Wizard to finally open the Cave of Grrraaasssh. Opening the cave, the
imprisoned powers secreted themselves into the Sapphire itself, and realizing
this, a fight broke out between the heroes and villains over control of it.
Simultaneously grabbing the Moon Sapphire were the Wizard, THE NEW ORB CRAFTER,
and MO THE SURFING MYSTIC, all of whom received carbon-copies of the Wizard's
assorted powers (6-43-DB13).
The Bjorn
Created by THE ORB CRAFTER, the mermaid artifact "Bjorn" is an object of
mysterious powers, notably holding sway over several types of terrain in their
application.
We do know
that several centuries ago, "Bjorn" was used to inflict a terrible curse upon
MO, THE SURFING MYSTIC: as long as the Bjorn remained in the ocean, he could not
enter it for any reason, effectively trapped on the shore. Unable to enter the
water and thus, unable to retrieve Bjorn, he remained cursed for many years,
until the "love of his life," a mermaid named HEZEDIPAPA, came along and brought
the Bjorn to him from the surf. Freed from the curse, Mo was able to surf again
and once again took up his rightful throne as lord of the waves
(2-13-DB2).
This artifact later came into the possession of DEFICIENCY BOY, who later sought
out the Orb Crafter to hone its powers---ironically for use once again versus Mo
the Surfing Mystic, who was at that point in cahoots with an evil Hezedipapa.
During the struggle, it was used by LAWFUL GOOD to defeat Mo, but it was soon
nullified and cancelled out by the Anti-Bjorn
(2-15-DB4).
The Orb Crafter recovered both the Bjorn and the Anti-Bjorn after the
battle, but somehow they were both stolen from her briefly by THE WIZARD, who
attempted to sell them for a profit
(3-18-CGS). She got them back and after
that, neither was seen for some time.
Later, when
ANARCHY LAD kidnapped THE SILENT NARRATOR, the Orb Crafter appeared to lend a
hand---and used both the Bjorn and the Anti-Bjorn to trap Mo the Surfing
Mystic on the grass he was standing on
(5-34-DB10), where he remained trapped
until he freed himself using his latent Mystic abilities some time later
(6-43-DB13).
The Anti Bjorn
Also created by THE ORB CRAFTER, this artifact, the dark mermaid doll, is the
polar opposite of the Bjorn. After DEFICIENCY BOY discovered and wielded
the triple-threat powers of the Shard of Chewagumabar, Sword of Shribdia,
and the Bjorn, his enemies sought to curse him. HEZEDIPAPA and MO THE
SURFING MYSTIC plotted to use the Anti-Bjorn to trap Deficiency Boy in the ocean
forever, just as the Bjorn had trapped Mo on land for centuries.
The powers of
the opposite mermaid dolls clashed that day, but cancelled one another out
(2-15-DB4).
Eventually, the Orb Crafter took both of them back
into her care, with the exception of a brief period in which THE WIZARD stole
them to spite her (3-18-CGS).
She recovered both dolls with a clever dash of
salt, and they remained dormant for some time.
Later, when
ANARCHY LAD kidnapped THE SILENT NARRATOR, the Orb Crafter appeared to lend a
hand---and used both the Anti-Bjorn and the Bjorn to trap Mo the Surfing
Mystic on the grass he was standing on
(5-34-DB10), where he remained trapped
until he freed himself using his latent Mystic abilities some time later
(6-43-DB13).
The Egg Key
Created by THE NEW ORB CRAFTER during an unknown era, the Egg had but one
purpose: to help fulfill the Prophecy of the Crafters. When the Newb Crafter,
GORB CRAFTER and ORB CRAFTER all set foot on earth, nullifying all their powers
in one giant stalemate, the Orb Crafter's garden became a hive of energy unable
to be entered by any except those bearing the Egg Key.
Nooby gave it
to DEFICIENCY BOY so that he could enter the garden at the appointed time and
meet his destiny, which he did admirably
(7-50-DB14).
The Wizard's Wand
A wand belonging to THE WIZARD during the period in which he had no powers. His
only weapon, the wand could only do one thing, and that was clog people's
arteries. While he killed a man with it once
(3-18-CGS),
its powers, even when aided by the Moon Sapphires, are mostly
ineffective, as evidenced by the Wizard's attempts to attack NARCOLEPSY GIRL and
later ANARCHY LAD with it
(4-26-DB8/5-34-DB10).
The Idol of Osh Kosh B'Gosh
An idol watched over by DEATH. During his embarrassing stint as host of a Spring
Break special, it was stolen from him by SWISS ROLLS and NUMBER ONE/DOORMAT
(3-17-SW2).
Death later discovered this and in a fury recruited COUNT BITEY MCSKULL and the
ACCOUNTANT OF EVIL in an attempt to recover the Idol and murder the crap out of
Swiss Rolls. Death lost the fight, but found the Idol where Number One had
buried it in the front yard, recovering it
(3-22-SW3). It's largely unknown what the
idol does, and given that GOD forgot he even gave it to Death, perhaps it's not
terribly important after all---but Death would rather not see it in the
possession of Rolls. Death was later seen conversing with it in frustration
after a failed "kill Swiss Rolls" caper
(5-40-SW5).
The Idol of Zurukan
This much-coveted idol was watched over by the Mayan Empire for centuries. It
was a mystical idol that some said represented the demon Zurukan that had been
worshipped by certain Mayan tribes in the past
(6-48-LC). And demon or not, it did have
definite powers---an idol made with two interconnecting halves, it was said that
whoever controlled both halves would wield absolute power in the country of
their origin. In its whole form, it was in the possession of the MAYAN KING and
MAYAN QUEEN when a marital argument split it in two and attracted groups of
treasure-hunters to see who would control the pieces.
The Queen
hired BONANZA BOB and his butler DINKY to retrieve the other half from the King,
who in turn hired SAFARI JIM to get the queen's half for him. EDUARDO BAY also
hired Bob, wanting to auction the artifact off for himself. When Bonanza Bob and
Dinky defected and joined forces with the King, the Queen hired a female
explorer, VINERITA-AMAZON-YODER-SCHMIDT and her assistant BARGAIN BEN to finish
the job.
In the end,
however, the defection of the ABORIGINALS, as well as a little bit of
heart-to-heart from Vinerita, mended the marital strife and the Idol halves
became one again. The explorers went on their way and the King and Queen made
up, promising (albeit half-heartedly) to use the power they wielded for the good
of their land (4-31-BOB3).
The Anubis Idol
This ancient Egyptian relic has the power to grant the bearer the ability to
judge the mortal souls of whoever they see fit. When it went missing from its
resting place in Egypt, MADAM PALM OLIVE, curator of the Museum of Crappy Arts,
hired PHILADELPHIA JONES to retrieve it. However, the Cult of MARTHA STEWART
also sought to gain control of the idol for their master, Martha.
Philly was
able to track down RAMSES CARR, an expert who had a ring attuned to the location
of the Anubis Idol---however, before they could use it properly, the ring was
stolen by CUTTER and SKINNER, the leaders of Martha's operation. Once Skinner
and Cutter followed the ring to the idol's resting place, they found that they'd
been followed by Philly and his crew, and a fight broke out. A curse was set
upon the three idols so that whoever was foolish enough to grab the wrong one
would face instant death, and so Cutter, grabbing a Frankenstein doll, did just
that. Philly, though, knew his Egyptology, and claimed the proper Anubis Idol,
which he promptly turned over to Madam Palm Olive
(5-35-PJ).
A visit to the same museum a year later by LOR CRAWFORD TUMORICKIS determined
that the Anubis Idol was still not yet on display, and would be put on display
pending it getting broken so it could fit with the rest of the Crappy Arts
(6-48-LC).
The Idol of Monkey Freakishness
This mysterious idol has long been lost at the Edge of the World, searched for
by BONANZA BAD-ASS and his assistants, SLINKY and BONANZA BABY. When they seemed
close to locating it, Slinky betrayed his master, stealing his mask of power.
After a physical confrontation, Slinky was beaten, the mask restored, and the
location of the Idol of Monkey Freakishness revealed at last. Bad-Ass dispatched
Slinky to retrieve it from its resting place, and took it back to his homestead
with all of them
(9-66-BAD1).
The Egyptian Relics of Magic, and Gods, and Power
After years of searching these were finally discovered by PROFESSOR GUY and his
assistant, SHUTUP. They're actually pretty self-explanatory from their title,
though obviously the Eye of Ra was the most special of these relics. Sadly, the
Professor was gunned down in his prime by henchmen working for MORIARTY and was forced to entrust the relics to Shutup for safe keeping (1-7-GB).
Though Shutup delivered the relics to the capable hands of superspy GERMS BAND
and more importantly, his fellow agent and master of technical gadgets, J, it
took a good seven to eight years to figure out how exactly they worked. When
Germs was dispatched to take care of SCHRODINGER VAINGLORIOUS, he was given
several of the relics---including one that granted him immunity from poisonous
ferns such as those used by CROCHETTA MANSTABBER, one that protected him from
cane-like weapons, and one that housed all the agency's box-shaped intelligence
(9-67-GB2).
The Thing of Power (The Unfortune Cookie)
In the realm of Central-Earth, in ancient times, the evil SARUMAN forged several
Things of Unfortune. Three he gave to the elves, seven to the dwarves, and nine
to men, but in secret, on Mt. Doomed, he forged one Thing to rule them all: the
Unfortune Cookie of Power.
Some time
after Saruman's initial defeat, he rose to power again, teaming with GOMORRHA to
make an unholy alliance that would destroy Central-Earth. GANDALF THE CLUMSY
bestowed upon young ribbit ODO BAGGER a quest to destroy the Thing... a
Fellowship of the Thing. But as Odo's comrades fell and Gandalf's advice fell
far from his ears, he began listening to the whispers of LOOGIE, the most
annoying invisible friend ever, and on the slopes of Mt. Doomed, he ate the
cookie, or as Loogie called it... "the tasty." While he'd been unable to
complete his quest, the other members of his Fellowship had still been able to
drive Saruman and Gomorrha out of Central-Earth... for now. But the Thing has a
desire of its own, and the last of its evil has not been seen
(1-6-LOTT).