The Daily Show Quotes!

Jon Stewart


  • “That was great. I really have never felt better.” ~Lewis Black after attacking a DVD player with a baseball bat
  • “Oh, Fox, why can’t your animals attack when we need them?” ~Lewis Black
  • “Oh my god! Walmart's about to march on Poland!" ~Lewis Black
  • "One person with the ability of half a person doing the work of four people." ~Steven Carrell on Carson Daly
  • “It’s a game. That’s why we call it ‘the news.’ It’s just a game.” ~Stephen Colbert
  • “Nobody likes a people-gasser, Jon.” ~Stephen Colbert
  • "We now take a visit to Iraquorea, the evilest place on earth." ~Stephen Colbert
  • "What's on trial here is not the media, it's the jury. Who are they to judge us?" ~Stephen Colbert
  • “Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don’t understand.” ~Stephen Colbert
  • “You don’t need the right facts if you have the right inflection.” ~Stephen Colbert
  • “Can you really put a price on annoying two religions at once?” ~Stephen Colbert on Jews for Jesus
  • “No, Kool-Aid guy! Leave our third branch of government alone!” ~Stephen Colbert
  • “It looks like a phone, but it’s a shoe. Incredibly uncomfortable shoe.” ~Rob Corddry
  • “From now on, intelligence will arrive at the White House premisinterpretted.” ~Rob Corddry
  • "It's like when the Republicans countered Hilary with that lady who killed bears with her hands." ~Wyatt Cynac
  • “People get depressed for a lot of reasons. Maybe one is because they only get a day and squirrels get a week.” ~Ed Helms regarding National Depression Screening Day versus Squirrel Appreciation Week
  • “Shouldn’t EVERY week be Infection Control Week?” ~Ed Helms
  • "Who among us wouldn't rush out and buy a Pepsi if we thought it would make the Osborne's disappear?" ~Ed Helms
  • “One option is a plasma TV, so called because, to be able to afford one, you’re going to have to sell your blood.” ~Ed Helms
  • “I cannot stress this enough – if you try to install an HDTV in a non-HDTV compatible house, you may tear the space-time continuum.” ~Ed Helms
  • "Alcohol causes conflicts, firearms resolve conflicts." ~Ed Helms
  • “It’s kind of hard to win most elections on anti-family, immorality, and Satan-worship.” ~Ed Helms
  • "As a party, they are ineffectual, devoid of feck. Feckless." ~Ed Helms
  • “There are currently more political parties in Iraq than unbombed buildings to hold them.” ~Ed Helms
  • “I’m Ed Helms. Rob Corddry couldn’t be here tonight because...he drowned. On the plus side, he’s not a witch.” ~Ed Helms
  • "If you vote for Democrats, you might as well give Al Quaeda a death ray and a manual." ~John Oliver
  • "Oh, confound it... Confound my tell-tale reference points." ~John Oliver
  • "And we conquered two-thirds of the world with that accent? I guess people were too busy snickering to put up much of a fight." ~John Oliver
  • "Iran is the middle child of the Axis of Evil. Iraq is the oldest child and gets the lion's share of the attention, and North Korea is the crazy baby." ~John Oliver
  • "It's true American democracy - all they had to do was clap, and there was still a 60% turnout." ~John Oliver
  • "It's true American democracy - all they had to do was clap, and there was still a 60% turnout." ~John Oliver
  • "We invented words; we'll tell you how they're supposed to sound." ~John Oliver
  • "[Your tricorn hat] makes me want to run you through with a bayonet." ~John Oliver
  • "Do you know how hard it is to kill 30 million people? It's a logistical nightmare." ~John Oliver
  • "Personally, Jon, personally, I choose to ignore your flaming decrepitude." ~John Oliver to Jon Stewart
  • “When did you first know that this was going to have happened?” ~Mo Rocca interviewing a psychic
  • "Wheel of Fortune was an important SAT prep for me." ~Mo Rocca


  • "Any time your head explodes, that's not a good situation." ~Tom Arnold
  • “I wanna smoke pot, but I can’t, cause I’m too paranoid.” ~Drew Barrymore
  • “The first time I saw you, I thought you were making sense.” ~Michael Caine to Jon Stewart
  • “I’m just the last English twit, really.” ~Colin Firth
  • “You might, might want to vomit once or twice.” ~Colin Firth promoting Love, Actually
  • “I won’t tell you what I do to me…” ~Brendan Fraser on Looney Tunes, Back in Action
  • “I promise you…this movie is NOT Space Jam.” ~Brendan Fraser on Looney Tunes, Back in Action
  • “This is The Daily Show, [dagnabit], you don’t have to be a part of the media mule train!” ~Tom Hanks
  • “I come from the school of That Horse is Not Dead.” ~Tom Hanks
  • “Even though I haven’t been in your lives, I’ve certainly been in mine.” ~Woody Harelson
  • “Oh my god, you’re a Muppet!” ~Bonnie Hunt about Jon Stewart
  • “I believe there are unidentified flying objects, I’m just not sure who’s driving.” ~Peter Jennings
  • "If you've seen Mary Poppins and The Grinch, come to the Booth Theater and let me shove a little coal down your stocking." ~Nathan Lane about Butley
  • “Tonight I am going with my wife to a Democratic party, where we’re going to...try to be happy.” ~Senator Joseph Lieberman on January 20, 2005
  • “[I thought], ‘I’ve got to float the Amazon.’ So I did. Did that, met great people. They were not Africans.” ~Matthew McConaughey
  • “If you've got Mystique as your girlfriend, the fun you could have in bed. I've just imagined X-Men 3 might open with me in bed with Patrick Stewart.” ~Sir Ian McKellan
  • "Who let them into the Axis of Evil?" ~Michael Moore on North Korea
  • “Ben [Stiller] is not…Shaquille’s height.” ~Edward Norton
  • “My feeling about weights is that they’re far too heavy.” ~Matthew Perry
  • “That’s all we’re doin’ here. We’re not curin’ cancer, we’re just trying to get soda to come out of your nose.” ~Matthew Perry on The Whole Ten Yards
  • "I'm one of the only people in the world who has talked to Scooby and he talked back." ~Freddie Prinze Jr.
  • "I'm speaking for all repomen - Bush, we're gonna miss you, buddy." ~Repoman on The Daily Show
  • "I will always be mad at someone. That will never go away." ~Howard Stern
  • "We are simple people in astrophysics." ~Neil Degrasse Tyson
  • "...according to a Daily Show report... That's an oxymoron!" ~Brian Williams
  • “I never wanted to be in a band because I love music too much to mess it up." ~Elijah Wood
  • “The problem is that Islam does not have a pope, so there’s no one guy to say, ‘This isn’t kosher’...Not that he would.” ~Fareed Zakaria
  • “You’re my inspiration. I figure, if you can have a show, anyone can.” ~Fareed Zakaria

America (the Book): A Citizen's Guide to Democracy Inaction

  • “The Republican Party is the party of nostalgia. It seeks to return America to a simpler, more innocent and moral past that never actually existed. The Democrats are utopians. They seek to create an America so fair and non-judgmental that life becomes an unbearable series of apologies. Together, the two parties function like giant down comforters, allowing the candidates to disappear into the enveloping softness, protecting them from exposure to the harsh weather of independent thought.” ~America (the Book): A Citizen’s Guide to Democracy Inaction
  • “…[Hearst and Pulitzer]’s blend of fiction, bigotry and jingoism became known as yellow journalism. Later, the phrase was shortened to ‘journalism.’” ~America (the Book): A Citizen’s Guide to Democracy Inaction
  • “Exactly where television originated is a mystery, though most scholars believe Prometheus stole it from the gods and gave it to the RCA Victor Company.” ~America (the Book): A Citizen’s Guide to Democracy Inaction
  • “New Zealand boasts a remarkable 50 sheep for every Orc.” ~America (the Book): A Citizen’s Guide to Democracy Inaction


  • "When we come back, I'll notify you of your return to our coverage of the Republican National Convention." ~The Daily Show announcer
  • “Election night 2004: Prelude to a recouont” ~Title of the 2004 Daily Show election special
  • "You get nothing. Good day, sir." ~"Senator Willy Wonka; D – Wonkaville" reacting to Bush's plan for Iraq on The Daily Show

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See the quotes in the order that they were added.


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