Species: Human (barely!)
Gender: Male
Height: 1.79 meters
Weapon: Lightsaber, or the nearest thing that he can hit someone over the head with
Affiliation: Comedi Knights, Rebel Alliance, Mr. Quackers (don't ask, we don't get it either!)
Oldy Moldy Colby. What can we really say about him? In front a family audience, I mean. To put it simply, out of all the loonies to (dis)grace the setting of DAIRY WARS THE MOVIE, Colby is the absolute biggest nutbag out of them all. Seriously, we're not kidding around. He's a danger to himself and everyone around him, with the possible exception of his imaginary friend, Mr. Quackers.
So let's see if we can exaggerate things a bit. Ahem……A dedicated and legendary Comedi Knight, Oldy Moldy Colby has had a long and tumultuous career that has helped shape the fate of an entire galaxy. Whether that's for better or worse is anyone's guess.
Anyway, back to the backstory. As the Comedi's ranks were wiped out by the cheesy machinations of the emergent Evil Dairy Empire, Oldy Moldy Colby went into hiding on Wisconsine. (Actually, looking for the opportunity to cash in on his hard-earned vacation time, he went there mistaking it for Rio.) He would stay there for decades, adopting the name of Ben. As time passed, he got older and older, and as a result, became more and more senile, until he was just plain nuts. The locals would refer to him as a "Old kook," and gave the eccentric old man a wide berth. A very, VERY wide berth.
During the height of the Really Really Big Space War, Princess Cinnabun secured plans to the Empire's most diabolical weapon -- the DEATH COW. (Gee, they were right----capital letters do make it sound so much more important.) Her mission was to contact Oldy Moldy Colby, and bring both Colby and the plans to her home planet Dunkin. Captured by the Imperial agents, Cinnabun was unable to complete either goal. She instead placed the plans into the memory systems of R2%Milk, and dispatched the droid to Wisconsine. The droid R2%Milk and his companion G-IC-U2 came into the ownership of Mr. American Cheese. R2%Milk was adamant (really, REALLY adamant) in continuing his mission of getting the plans to Colby, and fled the Cheese homestead. When Luke Warm Milk tracked down the little droid, he came face to face with Oldy Moldy Colby. Oldy Moldy Colby explained to Luke about his father, though the Comedi didn't reveal the whole truth to the lad. (THAT would be screwing up the whole dramatic emphasis thing, wouldn't it?) Oldy Moldy Colby even gave Luke a gift from his father, his (Luke's father's, not Colby's father's) lightsaber. Thus began Luke's journey into the world of the Comedi.
Oldy Moldy Colby tried to train Luke as much as he could in their short time together. (That's not saying much. At all.) As testament to the desperation of these dark times, Colby knew full well that Luke would never have been trained in the old days of the Jedi. He was far too old (not to mention clueless and clumsy) to be trained. Nonetheless, Colby saw a chance to redeem his fallen pupil (that's Dark Chocolate Milk for those of you blockheads who hadn't caught on to that by now) through Luke.
Having taken the mission to rescue Princess Cinnabun from the Empire, Oldy Moldy Colby and Luke hired Hann Bond Double O Solo's Y2K Albatross as transportation to Dunkin. During the trip, Colby (finally) began Luke's lightsaber training. The brief session was cut short as the Albatross emerged from hyperspace to find Dunkin desecrated by the Death Cow.
The star ship was captured by the Empire and taken aboard the Death Cow. Once aboard, it was Colby's mission to disable the tractor beam terminal responsible for holding the ship. (It wasn't really……it simply justifies his wandering aimlessly around the station like a drunken lemming.) Colby did so, carefully sneaking through the labyrinthine corridors of the battle station. (Yeah, right.) Though his skill in the Farce kept his presence a secret from Cowtroopers and Imperial officers (sort of), it only served to draw the attention of Dark Chocolate Milk. The Dark Lord confronted Colby as our heroes were escaping toward the Y2K Albatross. After decades of delay, Dark finally squared off against his former master. As a "diversionary tactic" to help the others escape (sure), the Dark Lord struck the Comedi down, and Colby suddenly disappeared....or did he? Oh, come on, you know somebody this crazy wouldn't be that easy to get rid of. Otherwise, we would've done that after his first scene. He'll be back……*sigh.*
