(Written in Rodney McKay's PoV)
I think I might have stuck myself to the wall. I closed my eyes for what felt like a second and when I opened them again, the blood around my head had dried, matting with my hair and sticking to the wall. Everything has gone foggy in the time between closing and opening my eyes and I don't feel hurt anyway... but first things first. Time to pull myself free.
“Owwwww!!” The scream sounded loud and sharp and for a second I blinked, looking around at the otherwise empty room. It took me a few, slow seconds to realise the scream had to have come from me.
“McKay? What on Earth..?” Suddenly hands are reaching for me, helping me up, a voice talking to me calmly. No! Get away, I won't go back, I won't, I can't. I swing wildly, staggering as the body belonging to the voice leaves, robbing me of my support. Ungracefully I flop forward, and I know, I just know that this is going to hurt.
“Calm down McKay.” The voice is back and so is the hands steadying me. I know that voice.. it belongs to...
“Zanzibar?” I whisper, blinking rapidly and trying to see through the fog.
“Zelenka.” The voice answers me, a touch of annoyance in his voice. “We have to get you back to Dr. Beckett-”
“No!” I have to get away from him, he's going to take me back and if I go back I'll lose the only friend I have left, now that Sheppard has rejected me. “I won't!” The hands are tugging at me and something, somewhere snaps and suddenly I'm screaming, lashing out with strength I'm sure I shouldn't have. But I don't care, the hands are gone and I'm moving, running almost. I can hear the voice behind me, calling after me in surprise, though it doesn't seem to be getting closer.
There! A transporter. Thank goodness. Darkness is tinting the edges of my sight as I press randomly, looking for somewhere to hide. Soon I'm in another corridor, the same as the last one, yet wonderful in it's own way. Atlantis...
Atlantis is a quest. I'm on a quest, the quest of a lifetime! Life... funny. Life is just sparks and reactions, chemicals reacting to other chemicals. I don't believe in a God, I don't believe in an afterlife. I'm not even completely sure I believe in life. It sounds weird to put it like that but I'm not sure I believe in life in the way other people do. The soul and all that. How can bits of electricity be alive? It's like that time when Teal'c was stuck in the gate. He didn't seem alive, he wasn't alive at the time when Carter and I were trying to save him. Scientifically, I just don't understand how life exists at all. Well, I understand how it exists, I know how babies are made and all that. I just don't understand how little sparks are alive. But on a deeper level, a level I thought I didn't even have, I understand about life. I even understand why Carter couldn't let Teal'c die, why she couldn't give up on him.
If it had been Sheppard, or Carson, I couldn't let them start the gate back up... well, I might have back then, but not now. And certainly not after that whole bug incident. Maybe life is feelings? The sparks and chemicals react and produce feelings and thoughts...
“Rodney, if you can hear me I need you to listen carefully. You've been infected by something, it's messing with your head. You have to trust us, you're very ill.” It sounds like Elizabeth, but I can't see her anyway. I have to run, further, got to get away. Another transporter. Away, away... must get away. I don't even know what I pressed, all I knew was I had to get to safely.
The door to the transporter opened and I fell out, colliding heavily with a warm body. Strong arms grab me and steady me and even though I can't see clearly, I know that somehow it's the Major in front of me, his eyes scanning me quickly and with such intensity. I feel as if I'm a bug under his gaze.
“Rodney, what are you doing here?” He asks and he almost seems concerned, he almost seems to care. I laugh. I can't help it. What are any of us doing here, really? What's the point of it all? What's the answer to life? And then – I remember. The answer. I laugh and suddenly I'm crying, then laughing, then crying again, all at once. The strong arms wrap around me, trying to keep me calm but I can feel an endless supply of this mass of conflicting emotions raising up to the surface, smashing me. I can half hear Sheppard's voice above me, his arms steady, calming. He's telling me I'm getting hysterical, which I already know – or at the very least, a manly version of it, isn't hysteria something women get? I'm still laughing, still crying and he's asking me to stop, but I just can't help it.
“Forty-Two” I finally gasp out between my sobs.
“Forty-Two.”
Go Back: The Scent of Lemons
Go Forward: A Geek Scorned
