“You’ve got mail!”

“Put it by the door and leave us alone,” Serenity ordered.

The man, looking rather frightened, put the packages beside the door and left them alone.

“You frighten people so easily,” Krishna noticed.

“And you think I don’t like that?” Serenity opened up the packages. “Ooh!”

“Serenity does not say ‘ooh’ unless she is thrilled or high. What is it?”

“Ooh! Ken Hidaka!” Serenity held up two posters. “Omi Tsukiyono!”

“Anime? Ooh!” Krishna rushed over to the packages and held up another poster. “Rurouni Kenshin! Yay!”

Serenity glared. “My side will be Weiss Kreuz. Your side can be that crap.”

Krishna glared back. “It is not crap! And besides, where will I put all my Inuyasha stuff?”

“INUYASHA? Do you have anything with Miroku in there?”

[BEEP!]

“SHIT!”

Serenity put her Ken Hidaka poster on the wall. “Do you think we can ignore it?”

[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!]

Krishna sighed. “I take that as a no.”

Serenity blinked. “Hold on, you’re not as ditzy as you usually are . . .”

“Shut up, Ser.” Krishna walked over to the computer, glanced at the monitor, and shrieked, “WHY ARE THEY ALL LEGOLAS SUES?”

“Because of a little person called Orlando Bloom?”

“Shut up.”

Serenity cackled evilly.

“You’re not the Wicked Witch of the West, you know.”

“No, but I can try.”

Krishna examined the screen and yelped.

“What is it?”

“It is not good,” Krishna told Serenity through clenched teeth. “Not good at all.”

“All the more fun to kill them!” Serenity smiled brightly, picking up her weaponry.

“Look at the fucking title.”

Serenity looked at the screen and screeched, “Loves’s Time Well Spent: Sunsets and Sunrise?”

“Told you.”

“Is Loves a person? And if there’s more than one sunset, how can there be one sunrise if there’s only one sun and I think that Tolkien would have told us if there was more than one sun and ---“

“Ser, don’t make sense out of the badfic. It’s bad for your health.”

Serenity clenched her fists and began breathing heavily.

“I think we’ve got a psycho-Ser on our hands,” Krishna muttered.

“Hell yes,” Serenity stated evenly.

“Oh God the calm voice!” Krishna shrunk back. “That means you’re more than pissed off!”

“A hell of a lot more.”

“Okay, okay, just put your music on and activate the portal! And go through!”

“Alright.” Serenity did as Krishna suggested.

“Godsmack?”

“Full volume.”

“Eek!”

Serenity strolled through the portal, Krishna following her, mumbling, “Okay, okay, she can’t hurt you . . . she wouldn’t hurt you . . .”

“Of course I would.”

“Eek!”

“Alright, let’s kill this bitch and get the hell out of here.”

“I entirely agree.”

“Do we have to wait until the end of the story? I’m downright pissed --- or more --- already.”

“We have to find things to charge her for,” Krishna pointed out quietly.

“Damnit.”

Krishna fumbled with the time controls. The setting changed. “Shit, didn’t mean for that to happen.”

"I'm worried about Estelbain. She seems so… boyish sometimes, and yet at others, she can be a little angel. And have you seen her around Legolas?"

" I know, I know," Said Lord Elrond with a great sigh. "There is definitely something there. And you know the prophecy, she must not see him again till she is of age, you know as well as I do what the mirror foresaw."

“Mirror? There’s a fucking magical mirror in Rivendell?” Krishna glared. “And did you see how OOC Elrond was? Use the device.”

Serenity calmly pointed a gadget toward Lord Elrond. “Elrond Halfelven. Canon Character. Out Of Character: 53%. CHARACTER RUPTURE!”

“Thought so.”

“Bitch.”

“I’m not even going to try Celebrian.”

“I wouldn’t suggest it.”

“Shit, a flashback!”

"Two star crossed lover of gold were born, on paths that one day meet,

A bond fashioned by longing and searching, Protector and ward,

Forever to hold and long till meet,

Apart they shall be till time and its forces can no longer keep them apart,

Then a love true and strong will ascend all the hardships that pure hearts yet face…"

“A mirror said that?” Krishna looked shocked. “A fucking mirror?”

“You know, kids may be reading this.”

“Shit.”

“You know, that was way too Romeo and Juliet . . .”

“Definitely.”

“Go to the next scene.”

Krishna fumbled with the scene device again. “Whoopsies.”

"Mommy, are we there yet?"

"No Arwen dear, we are not." A weary Lady Celebrian answered her four -year-old daughters.

"Estely are we there yet?"

"No Arwen, please don't ask again. I promise I will let you know when we are even remotely close," a now 16-year-old Estelbain answered.

"Promise?" Bright eyed Arwen asked

"Promise, now why don't we play a game. Let's see what kind of animals are in the forest," proposed Estelbain, in an attempt to entertain Arwen on the long journey from Rivendell to Lothlorien.

Krishna would have screamed if Serenity hadn’t stopped her. Krishna glared at her.

Serenity gazed at the group evenly. “She can hear you.”

“Four-year-old DAUGHTERS? They mean just Arwen! And how does Arwen have a fucking sister?”

“Children are watching . . .”

" I see…" a sudden look of horror passed over little Arwen's face.

"Arwen what is it?" Asked a now worried Lady Celebrian.

“You’d better be worried.” Krishna scowled.

Suddenly the party was attacked by a large band of Orcs that caught everyone off guard. In the pandemonium, arrows were exchanged and most of the royal escort was scattered.

"Mommy!!!" Arwen shrieked.

Lady Celebrian had been hit in the shoulder by a black orc arrow and now lay beside a screaming Arwen. Then Lady Beruthiel tried to sneak away, but was shot through the heart with a great black arrow that nearly hit poor Arwen, thus ending her life.

“WHAT THE HELL?”

“Serenity, shut up!”

“Arwen died? But she lives on? And Beruthiel just disappeared? I thought Beru---”

“Serenity, shut up!” Krishna repeated.

“But what the hell ---”

“Shut. Up.”

Serenity’s eye began to twitch. “This is too goddamned screwed up for words.”

“Screw the children?”

Serenity scowled at Krishna.

“Okay, okay.”

“Next scene or whatever the hell it is.”

“Alright.” Krishna obliged timidly.

While Krishna awkwardly tried to use the scene device, Serenity watched Estelbain try and avenge Beruthiel’s death and the attack on her family. Of course, then Legolas came rushing to the rescue.

“Krishna, do not look.”

Krishna looked up. “Holy shit . . .”

“I said not to look. Just go to the next scene.”

“Doing so.” The scenery changed. As Estelbain watched them go, she broke down, no longer able to maintain her air of calm self-assurance. She threw her arms around Legolas' neck and began to weep for her poor mother.

"Oh Legolas, I just don't know what to do. What should I do?"

“Die, so we can cheer!” Krishna offered. Serenity snorted.

Legolas answered her by placing his chin on the top of her head. He put his arm firmly around her waist and began to stroke her long, flowing, blonde hair. Just then, Lady Celebrian awoke and weakly looked up.

Seeing what was going on, she said, "Estelbain, are we in Mandos' halls?"

"No, dearest mother, we are in the halls of Greenwood," Estelbain answered gleefully.

“Did you know that Greenwood is a city in South Carolina? In America?” Krishna stated.

“Really?”

“Yes, I used to live near there before I was recruited.”

“Fun . . . but how did Legolas move to South Carolina and we not know?”

“They’re probably in Greenwood State Park.”

“Yes, probably,” Serenity stated, clearly amused.

"But how? The Orcs came and took you, and I thought all was lost," The Lady answered in a puzzled tone.

"Legolas rescued me," Estelbain answered somewhat proudly.

“Why is she proud that Legolas rescued her? Is she proud that she needed to be rescued?” Krishna wondered.

“I have no idea,” Serenity answered.

"Estelbain my dear, leave us. I wish to congratulate this young hero, alone." Lady Celebrian said, her eyes shining warmly.

"Of course mother," Estelbain said dutifully, though she wondered why her mother would want to speak with Legolas alone.

“Ah, yes. Celebrian’s dying, you know,” Krishna declared.

Serenity blinked.

“Why did you blink?”

“I really don’t know . . .”

“I’m sick of this. Legolas is so OOC it’s not even funny anymore.”

“Then go to the next scene.”

“Oh, yeah!” Krishna took out the scene device. “Um . . . Ser, you seem in a better mood.”

“What.”

“Can you use this?”

“Do you actually trust me with equipment?”

“I will until we get to chapter 10.”

“What’s in chapter 10?”

“Well there are problems in all the chapters,” Krishna told her brightly. “In chapter 5 she goes on and on about dresses and things and beats Legolas in archery. In chapter 6, she goes swimming with Legolas (I think you can get the picture) and she describes dresses even more. In chapter 7, there’s a lot of crappily written fluff and she fricken sings. In chapter 8, you hear of Legolas’s torment if he loses the bitch and a bunch of shitty fluff. In chapter 9, Elrond enters ---”

“What. Happens. In. Chapter. Ten.”

Krishna gulped. “Aragorn comes in.”

“She put ARAGORN in this piece of shit?”

“Yes?”

“DAMN HER!”

Krishna shrunk back. “Um . . . Serenity?”

“What?” Serenity snapped.

“Do you want to use the device?”

“Fine.” Serenity grabbed the gadget and propelled them to chapter 10.

Then one-day a baby was brought to Lord Elrond's house. His name was Aragon. His mother and him sought refuge for the baby's father had perished and much evil hunted this little babe.

“ARAGON?” Serenity shrieked.

“Serenity, calm down.”

“ARAGON?”

When they arrived they found Lord Elrond there tending to her "Who is she?" Estelbain said looking at the women's obviously not pointy ears.

"She is Gilraen of the Dunedain that is her son Aragorn son of Arathorn II.

"Then this is Isildur's hire?" Estelbain asked looking down at the babe before her.

Krishna snorted. “Yes, Isildur hired him.”

Serenity was still scowling, her eye twitching vigorously. She pressed a button on one of the gadgets.

“You could have warned me before you did that.”

Lord Elrond knew something was amiss for his daughter was becoming more and more dreamy. He decided that it was time form Estelbain to marry and put this Legolas nonsense out of her head once and for all. He knew of a couple of kings that had vast kingdoms and were old enough and wise enough to handle his daughter.

One day when Estelbain was dreaming her thought were interrupted by her father's thoughts. She didn't mean to listen but was glad she did. He was thinking about the ball he was going to throw where she would meet her future husband.

"Father may I speak with you right now!" Estelbain said threw her teeth. How dare he even thing about such a thing ! But she knew she must be careful how she handled this.

"Of course my dear" gesturing for the servants to leave them "What is on your mind?"

"Father I just wanted you to know that while I stayed with grandmother she taught me telepathy and just now your thoughts were so loud that they pierced my own." Estelbain said as gentle as possible

“Of course she knows telepathy. She’s just soooooooooo perfect!” Krishna imitated Estelbain.

“Krishna, I am not in the mood for that.”

“Uh, Ser? Are you sure you can handle that gadget?”

“Of course I can.”

“Your knuckles are white.”

“Shut up.”

“Just give it to me.”

Serenity threw it at her.

“God.” Krishna pressed a button. “Oops . . .”

Serenity watched. She could feel her eye twitching even more violently.

Krishna took in the dialogue. “Shit, why did it have to go here?”

With out thinking Aragorn called out "Tinuviel, Tinuviel"

The maiden was Arwen who startled turned around and half smiled "Who are you? And why do you call me by that name?"

Aragorn was stunned by her beauty but still had the wit to answer, "Because I believed you to be indeed Luthien Tinuviel, of whom I was singing. But if you are not she, then you walk in her likeness."

"So many have said, thou not just about me." Arwen answered rather gravely. "Yet her name is not mine. Though maybe my doom will be not unlike hers. But who are you?"

“Somebody shoot me . . .” Serenity muttered.

“There, there, Serenity . . .”

“Now,” Serenity added.

“Alright . . . do you want to kill her now?”

“Yes. Very VERY much so.”

“Okay, just going there . . .” Krishna fiddled with the scene gadget again.

"Aragorn! Wait a minute I wish to talk to you.' Estelbain said catching up.

"Yes dear Estelbain?" Aragorn had developed this quite glazed over look as if he were walking on could nine high above the world.

"Aragorn listen to me because I speak from experience. You would do better to find the look that is upon your face. Father knows something is up and right now is not the time to tell him for Arwen just arrived, and I don't think he will take to it well.” Estelbain said smiling.

"Is it that obvious?" Aragorn asked.

"Yes. So maybe just keep it quiet for a while." Estelbain said smiling.

“THAT IS IT!”

“Ser!”

The Sue watched in shock as a blonde-haired girl and a dark-haired girl charged out of the bushes.

The blonde yelled at her, “You bitch!”

The other girl winced. “Ser . . .”

“Krish, do not bother me. I am going to kill this one!”

“Yes, ma’am!”

“You little bitch!” Serenity let loose in a long array of bad language. Krishna cheered.

“Krishna, charge her.”

“Estelbain Halfelven, you are charged with impossible spelling and grammar, murdering the English language and the Elvish language, screwing up practically every single fucking person’s character, being Elrond’s other daughter, killing Beruthiel, making a goddamned mirror talk, messing up the entire geography of Middle Earth, writing crappy fluff, annoying the hell out of us, taking me from my anime, and being one of the worst Sues I’ve ever seen in my entire fucking life!”

“And one more thing,” Serenity added, grinning evilly. “Pissing. Me. Off.”

Krishna nodded vehemently in agreement.

“And no Sue is going to die easily after pissing me off.”

Krishna nodded even more vehemently. “Trust me, I’ve had to work with her when she’s like this. You won’t die easily.”

The Sue looked frightened then screamed, “LEGOLAS!”

Serenity sighed. “You had to bring him into this.”

Aragorn, who had been watching all this, pulled out a sword and brandished it. Legolas came running with a bow and arrow.

“Why is it always them?” Krishna wondered.

“Beats me.” Serenity waved her hand. Legolas and Aragorn were thrown to their backs.

“Your Jedi stuff has really gotten a lot better.”

“Thank you.” Serenity stepped back from the Sue. “Hmm . . . I don’t think I can kill her painfully enough.”

“I can!”

“No, I think we need a professional . . . who can kill the best?”

Krishna and Serenity looked at each other.

“HANNIBAL LECTER!”

~+~

“Yay! It didn’t go anywhere!”

Serenity rolled her eyes. “Where would it have gone?”

“I don’t know but it’s here!” Krishna put up her posters. She stared at the picture of Rurouni Kenshin. “I want to meet him. I wonder if we could get transferred.”

“No, we should get transferred here!” Serenity pointed to her posters of Ken and Omi.

They looked at each other.

“Are you thinking what I’m thinking?”

“ANIME TOUR!”

[END]

[Serenity’s A/N: Muahahaha. This was very fun. Yes, I do get like this sometimes. Especially with people I particularly hate, especially Sues like this bitch. Damn her. Well I don’t know if even the devil would want her . . . Anyway, we’re working on the anime tour . . . definitely working. ^_^ ]

[Krishna’s A/N: When I went looking for our next victim, this was the first fic I found. I daresay it was worthy. And Ser's not kidding, she does get like this, and it does get really frightening. But, I get like this too, so...hee. Anyway, I'm always on the lookout for badfic, so we'll probably be posting again soon!]