Rating: NC-17
Summary: Spike and Xander get caught in Willow's I-will-it-so spell and head to Vegas. It is a year later and Xander is still dealing with the emotional consequences.
Warnings: First Person POV, Hot man on man action
Disclaimer: Not mine, wish they were
Betas: spikesgurl, who kept me up all night talking about the fic when I should have been working on it.*wink*
And crazydiamondsue, who saved my Spander butt at the last second . *hugs*
Feedback: I'd adore some, thanks
A/N: Written for the bloodclaim First Anniversary challenge.

Finding Forever

by
Sharvie

It has been a year since our secret and never mentioned again wedding.

“You may kish sha,” Elvis belched, “bribe.”

And I never stopped thinking about it. Not once. Willow’s I-will-it-so spell was removed and there weren’t any lingering effects, even though it took me awhile to admit it. That wasn’t the problem. It was the fact that I had never felt anything like that before or since. And it wasn’t just the sex, it was everything Spike did.

It was the way he looked at me, like I was the smartest, most irresistible guy in the whole world. The way he said he loved me, like the words love and Xander put together created a holy blessing and he was praying. The way he showed me just how much he loved me in the way he touched me. Whether it was rough or soft, tender or demanding, it was always just what I wanted.

No matter how many times I tried with Anya, it just wasn’t the same.

I fought with myself everyday.

Gay. Spike on his knees, behind me, in the shower.

Not gay. Anya on her knees, in front of me, in the basement.

Gay. Spike licking our combined fluids off his fingers.

Not gay. Anya with her legs over my shoulders.

Not gay, I decided. Definitely. Not. Gay!

Too bad for me, I somehow found myself at a porn shop and subsequently the proud owner of several sex toys, including one bright pink dildo. Unfortunately, as soon I was in the door, my new purchases were in the trash and the trash was taken out to remove any temptation. Of course I was back out to the shop in less than a month, buying replacement toys, along with several books, so that I knew how to use them.

I just couldn’t forget how he reacted to me, the way he bucked beneath me as I took him for the first time. We had decided that he would bottom. One, I was inexperienced, completely. And two, the chip. He didn’t mind, much, although he was tentative at first.

“But I‘d do it, I’d do it for you.”

He said that he loved me more than anything and if that was the way it had to be in order to be with me then it was fine, more than fine by him, despite his bad previous experience. Luckily I was able to erase any bad memories he had, even though I had no clue what I was doing. We just did what felt good, going slow and by the reaction he gave, I knew there was something up there that felt really good.

Then the spell was broken and my world crumbled.

We didn’t speak much after that, just the usual insults. I tried to continue hating him. Really I did. He’s a vampire, I should have hated him on principle but I just couldn’t anymore. I knew too much.

I always thought he would say something cruel. Maybe he was just too embarrassed about the whole thing to use it to insult me and I’m sure he didn’t want it to slip out in front of the others. So, I was saved from that.

But not in my dreams. Thoughts of him consumed me. Night after night, I’d see him. The dream always the same. He’d come to the basement, begging for another chance. Tell me that he still loved me, that it wasn’t just the spell, and every night I’d wake up alone and wet with a combination of come and tears. It was beyond cruel.

Anya knew something was wrong, but our relationship was so new she couldn’t figure it out. She kept demanding that I tell her how I felt about her. I was so mixed up, I just couldn’t give her what she wanted and eventually she left. I hardly noticed, which only made the realization of my new sexual orientation that much more undeniable. I wasn’t gay, I knew that much, but I wasn’t straight, either.

I would catch him looking at me sometimes, and he would quickly pretend to be doing anything else. I often caught this look on his face, not unlike the way Buffy looks at a shiny new weapon or Willow with a fresh bag of newt eyes. Ewww.

But sometimes the look he had on his face when he thought I wasn’t looking…it would send shivers down to the tip of my spine and make my chest hurt. He looked mournful, devastated.

He looked the way that I felt.

Those were the nights that it was the worst. I would remember our perfect night together so clearly. And it hurt so much to know how much I had lost. How close I came to bliss, only to have it yanked away. I burned with the knowledge that I’d probably never feel that way again and tried to get on with my life. But a year has passed and I still dream of him.

“ Love you forever, Xander.”

Forever was much too short.

But sometimes, if I close my eyes tight and try hard enough, I can see forever again. Even if only for a little while.

12 months earlier:

“Isn’t this great!” I stood by the large window and looked out over the city, staring at all the lights, not really believing that we actually made it to Vegas, the wedding capitol of the world.

“Yeah,” Spike sounded less than impressed. “Xander, we’re in the Ghetosphere.”

That hurt. It was all I could afford. The Stratosphere was an older and far more run down casino and hotel than the ones on the strip. The room was smaller than I had expected and the decor was about twenty years out of date, with the expected flower print comforter. With the little money I had, I was able to get a corner suite. This meant we were on the corner of a hallway, with the elevator right next to us and the ice machine right outside the door. Every time the elevator passed by the lights flickered, the room shook and the ice machine gave off a little electrical sputter, causing an ice cube to tumble onto the floor to waste away and make a tiny puddle outside our door.

But we were together and that was all that mattered to me.

“That was all the money I had. It was either that or Circus Circus and that so was not going to happen.” I shivered at the thought of my boyhood fear. Even though I met it head on and literally punched its lights out, it still made me a little uncomfortable.

Spike must have noticed, he took a step closer to me after tossing his duster to the bed. “What?”

I had never been so happy. We were in love, everything made sense again. All of it. All the horrors of growing up, losing Jesse, becoming friends with Buffy, everything. If I hadn’t have gone through that, I never would have had the chance to meet and fall in love with Spike. And now he meant everything to me. Telling him about an absurd fear that I had as a child should be no big deal, but after I didn’t answer right away, Spike knew something was wrong.

He came forward and wrapped his arms around me, “Hey, none of that. It’s our honeymoon, no big bad bogeymen around. Well, except me. But you don’t mind that, do you?”

He looked a little uncertain. His eyebrows were raised in question and all the snark was gone. I crumbled into his arms and let him hold me.

“Don’t laugh but…I…I used to be afraid of clowns.” I looked up, expecting at least a smirk, the fear of his usual taunting in the back of my mind. There was nothing.

He just held me tighter, “Had me worried there, Xand. Don’t do that. I love it here, this is perfect. Don’t need anything else since I have you. All right?”

I nodded slightly, letting his soothing words sink in.

He gave me a little squeeze and then let me go and walked over to our bag on the bed. We hadn’t packed much, wanting to get out of Sunnydale right away. It held mostly my clothes and a few changes of shirts for Spike. The plan was to stay until the cash ran out, then go back. Hopefully, Spike didn’t want to gamble or we would be leaving town fast.

He dug in the bag looking for something but not finding it. His brow furrowed and after a few disgruntled sighs he looked to me, “Did you take anything out of here?”

“Maybe. Why?” I couldn’t remember. The night was mostly a blur of Spike driving across the desert and my attempts to distract him, then a quickie ceremony so we could get back to the hotel. The alcohol we drank in celebration en route, slightly muddling my brain, wasn’t helping my memory either.

“I had a wedding present for you. It wasn’t much but-”

“Oh! Do you mean that little brown bag? I took it out and put it in here.” I lifted up my jacket and pulled a bag out of the pocket. “I wanted to leave a little space in case we picked up a souvenir or two. So…here.” I held out the bag.

Spike looked a little worried, brow creased in the center. “You didn’t look inside did you?” He grabbed the bag quickly and darted a quick look inside.

“No, but now I think I should have,” I chuckled, a little nervous. Now I really wanted to know what was in there. “So, you gonna let me look or are you gonna give it to me, already? I like me some presents.”

He let out a soft laugh, the tension in him easing, “Xander.”

“What?” I asked innocently. “I can’t be happy about my present? Gimme, gimme, gimme.” I extended my hands out and cupped them together, so that whatever was inside could just drop into my hands. I was trying to lighten the mood. I didn’t think it could be anything too serious. He hadn’t been out of my sight since we confessed our love and we hadn’t gone anywhere special. Besides, he said it wasn’t much and the bag wasn’t that big. Unless…

My heart stopped. We hadn’t managed to get rings. I couldn’t even afford the cheapest rings they had at the chapel. Spike had joked he could give me his skull ring but I had nothing to give him in return and the subject was dropped. Now he was holding this little brown bag like it held the most precious breakable creature inside and I just knew it was something special.

“Spike?”

He looked up finally and smiled. “Come here.”

I walked over to him and he took my hands as he sat on the bed, pulling me to sit facing him. “Come on, Spike. Don’t scare me like this. What’s in the bag?”

He didn’t say a word, just tipped it upside down and let what was inside drop out. A small bottle of lube landed in my hands. And all I could do was stare at it. “When did you get this?”

“While you were pulling out the dosh.”

“Oh.” It made sense. We had stopped off at a convenience store on the way back from Giles’ so I could get money and drinks for the trip. “Umm, what…” I really didn’t know what to say. Sure, somewhere in the back of my mind I knew this was coming, but it hadn’t been important. I loved him. All that mattered was being with him. The sex was secondary, but now…

“It’s too much, isn’t it?” He quickly scooped the bottle out of my hands and turned to throw it into the trash.

I grabbed his wrist to stop him. “No!”

He looked so happy just from that one word but still hesitant. He turned back around, still holding the lube.

“I mean, yeah,” I continued, “not the usual for the Xan-man but I love you.” I couldn’t stress that enough so I leaned in for a kiss. He was tentative at first but quickly relaxed into the kiss. Soon tongues were being thrust into hungry mouths and hands were grabbing at clothes, pulling them aside to get to skin, the lube forgotten.

I fought to pull myself back. That had not been my intention, even though I had more than been enjoying myself. I took a few deep breaths to calm myself and took his hands in mine, “We’re married. We’ll be together forever. If not tonight, then soon. I promise.”

He jerked his hands back and ran one through his hair, lowering his head. He looked hurt, obviously he had plans for our honeymoon that I hadn’t even thought about. I hadn’t thought past ‘married equals happy’. It pained me to know that I hurt him. It felt very wrong.

I had to fix this. It was our honeymoon. We were supposed to be happy! How hard could it be? He loved me. He wouldn’t hurt me. What was I so worried about? Just as I was about to give in, he surprised me.

“It doesn’t have to be you,” he said softly, head still lowered.

“Huh?” My brain just wasn’t computing that information. What did he mean? We’re going to break up over this? No way! We just tied the knot.

“Oh, balls,” he continued, clearly frustrated, “it doesn’t have to be you, onthebottom.” The last words, spilling quickly from his lips, in a rush.

Oh. OH!

“Besides,” he straightened and looked me right in the eye, “with whatever is going on in my head right now? Risky proposition, that.”

His demeanor changed so suddenly. One second shy and nervous the next big and boisterous. I knew something was wrong but just didn’t know how to go about helping him. He grabbed the lube up from the bed and tossed it onto the nightstand, then he suddenly jumped up and stalked to the window.

He faced out the window as he spoke. “So, what do you want to do first? There’s gambling, of course. Maybe take in a show. Hear there’s this new water show, just stand outside and watch it. So what’s it to be? Your choice, anything my love wants.”

I watched him as he stared out the window with this look of longing on his face. And I knew it wasn’t for that water show. My love wanted to get down and dirty. I was so nervous my palms started to sweat and I hoped my deodorant held up; it was already the end of a very long day. Spike was trying to hide his disappointment and not doing too good a job. Somehow I managed to hurt his feelings. He probably thought I was rejecting him, which was nowhere near the truth.

I walked up behind him as he continued to stare out over the city and wrapped my arms around him. I wanted to be brave. “Why don’t we stay in tonight?” I whispered in his ear.

He tensed against me. “Come on, Xander. You aren’t ready-”

“I love you.” I interrupted. “How much more ready do I need to be?”

He turned in my arms, buried his head into my shoulder, and wrapped his arms around me. “Only done it the once myself,” I started to protest that point, “with a man,” he emphasized that point clearly, “and it wasn’t really mutual, if you get my meaning. It hurt, alot. But I‘d do it, I’d do it for you.”

I was shocked. I wasn’t sure what to say, so I just kept holding him. He relaxed into my arms as I rubbed his back, trying to sooth him. His confession made my clown fear seem insignificant. I didn’t know what to do, much less feel. One minute we were kissing, the next on the verge of arguing, and the next he is telling me how he was…I couldn’t even let myself think it. And I could just bet who did it, too.

Rage warred with passion in me and it was all because of the man in my arms. So what, if neither of us had done this before? I refused to count his one time and choose to put it out of my mind. I’d deal with it later. It didn’t belong in here, with us, not now. We loved each other and if he wanted to express his love physically, who was I to argue. I’d give him anything. I chose to focus on him, here, now.

He started to stir slightly, nibbling my neck, just below my ear. I craved it like nothing else. And as his tongue started to explore the curve of my ear, I forgot about everything else and let my body take over.

I started to pull his shirt out his waistband. If I didn’t feel skin soon, I thought I was going to lose my mind. His mind must have been thinking the same thing because he started to unbutton my shirt. Slowly, one button at a time. I thought with Spike it would be rip-rip-toss-Xander-on-the-bed-and-go. But, he was so gentle.

We hadn’t even started kissing again and I could already feel myself grow hard. I wanted him so much. I doubt he thought I’d give in so easily but I gripped his wayward hands, thrust them up, and pulled his shirt over his head in one giant pull. He let out a little gasp followed quickly by a low moan. He had to be as turned on as I was.

I took a good look at my husband. His hair was slightly mussed after the rough stripping I’d given him and he was breathing heavy. The thought that he didn’t need to breathe struck me and I realized he was panting from the excitement, from being with me.

I raised a hand and lightly ran it over his chest. One of my fingers grazed a nipple and he groaned as I fingered it, feeling it give, up and down beneath the tip and then peak as I pinched it sharply. He gave a slight jump but didn’t move to stop me. I looked at him for a sign that it was all right that I explore him now. He gave a slight nod and rested his hands at his sides. I started my exploration by running my hands over his chest, in a way I never touched a man before. I was so used to being able to caress a breast with my cupped hands but had to flatten them now. I squeezed gently, rolling my thumbs over the top of the muscle, feeling his nipples peak into my palms. The sensation was similar, but there was no comparison, where women were soft and tender, Spike was hard and firm. I decided I liked it and wanted to see how he tasted.

I gently moved my hands up and over his collarbone, then down the middle of his chest to lightly scrape at the toned muscles of his stomach. I licked my lips and then leaned forward, placing my mouth over a nipple, tonguing and sucking the responsive nub. He tilted his head back and closed his eyes, clearly enjoying the play of my fingers and mouth across his skin.

He was so beautiful, and he was all mine. I would do anything for him. Leaving my hands at his waist, I pulled back. “Spike, I want you. So bad. Tell me what to do and I’ll do it. Anything.”

He raised his head and looked at me, eyes dark and hooded with desire. “Anything, love?” he asked, while grabbing my waist and pulling me flush against him.

Our hips slammed together. I could feel the bulge in his jeans and started to thrust into him, using my hands to pull his ass towards me. The feeling was incredible. I couldn’t wait to do whatever he wanted if this was the fun we got to have. “Yesss.” I managed to hiss out.

“Good.” He leaned in to nibble on my ear some more before lowering his mouth to mine. I tasted him again, recognizing the slight hint of blood beneath the champagne we had been drinking all night. The blood didn’t turn me off. It was a part of who he was and I loved every part of him.

I let my hands rest on the rise of his ass, squeezed roughly, then rubbed down over the mounds to the bottom, exploring the crease and spreading his cheeks slightly. He thrust against me and let out a little whimper into my mouth. I never realized how vocal he was before. It was obvious now, he talked constantly. It was one of the things that used to annoy me. But now, it was all Spike. My husband.

I felt a few quick tugs at the front of my jeans and before I realized how fast he could move, he had my cock out and in his hands. I almost shot to the ceiling and I’m lucky I didn’t come right then. He stroked me in time with the way his tongue moved inside my mouth. I was going to pop if he kept that up. “Wait, wait, wait.” I gently shoved him away and then realized how naked I was without his body to press against. My shirt was pooled at my feet and the jeans were undone enough for my cock to jut out from the zipper and point directly at my object of lust, the weight pulling the hardened shaft down.

“Come on Xander, you know you want to. I can taste it.” He reached for my cock and once he had a nice grip, used it to jerk me to him. Then he proceeded to lick his way up my neck to my ear. Although his words were meant to titillate and seduce, I could tell he was nervous I’d back out.

“Oh no! That’s not it.” I tried to move but he had me locked in position by his hand on my cock and his teeth nibbling my ear. I tried again, “I just…feel kinda icky after the long drive and…uhh, I think that our Elvis threw up on my shoes after the ceremony. I need a shower and how.” I reached up to run my hands in his hair and pulled him away from giving me a very nice neck job.

He protested a little then met my eyes and gave me a pout, “Need you now. Shower later, you’ll need it.”

Oh boy! And I thought my libido was off the charts, he was unstoppable. “All right,” I hedged. “But nothing too naughty-thrusty like. Okay?”

His lip twitched and he raised an eyebrow. I was so screwed.

Spike gave a quick nod, then grabbed my arms and threw me on the bed. I had a very quick feeling of flying and then he was on top of me, pulling my pants down past my knees. He was back up and thrusting his tongue in my mouth before I could utter a word. I arched up into him letting my body rub against anything I could reach. One hand rested on his hip and the other wound itself into his hair. The feel of rough denim hurt a little but I so didn’t care. I bent my leg, as much as I could with my jeans still on, to let up the pressure in some areas and heighten others. It was awkward at first, our rhythms completely off, but he was panting and growling into my mouth and then against my ear, it excited me and drove me past the point of no return.

Then he was gone, slipping out of my grasping hands. I looked up to see him undoing his jeans and thrusting them over his hips, then reaching down to me and trying to push my jeans down further, even though my boots kept them from coming off. He went commando and his very hard, reddened cock bumped against my thighs every time he bent down. I know I had just said no naughty-thrusty stuff but I so wanted to be naughty, and right now!

I grabbed him and hauled him back down, kissing him fiercely. He was still struggling with our jeans and finally, frustrated to my limit, I bit his lower lip and growled. He groaned and stiffened and if we weren’t both still dry, I would have thought the fun was over. Or maybe he didn’t like it?

“Spike, sorry…I wasn’t sure-”

“Don’t you dare apologize.” His voice was rough and he looked ready to eat me. I knew there was a reason I set ground rules.

His smirk was absolutely predatory as he rose up a touch and looked down at our bodies, legs tangled in our jeans and each other. “God, you are gorgeous.” He said on sigh, looking me up and down. Even with all the rubbing making me hot, I could feel my skin heat up even more from the compliment. I never saw myself that way and to even think that the man I loved thought that way was almost too much.

“Don’t. I know I’m-”

“What? Lickable,” he curled his tongue behind his teeth.

“Come on. We both know-”

“You don’t see it, do you?” he looked genuinely surprised. “How irresistible you are. You don’t see what everyone else does.”

I cringed and shook my head.

“Most delicious thing I’ve set eyes on in a very, long, time. I will not have you saying otherwise. In fact,” the smirk returned full force, sexual predator at the fore again, “say it.”

“Huh?”

He grabbed a fist full of my hair and tugged my head carefully to the side, pulling my head back, causing my chin to lift. He leaned in and captured my lips in a kiss, languidly dipping his tongue in and out of my mouth to brush against my own, only to pull back. “Say you’re irresistible.”

I knew what he wanted but I wanted to play a little, “You’re irresistible.” I couldn’t help the smile that made it onto my lips.

He tugged a little harder and lowered his mouth to my neck while at the same time his other hand reached between my legs and found my balls. He simultaneously licked along my neck, up over my Adam’s apple to the tip of my chin and at the same time, rubbed his hand from under my balls to the tip of my shaft.

“Unngh…Spike!” My body arched backward in reaction to the sensory overload. My head thrusting back wildly into the bed, arms clutching tightly around him

The world swam around me and Spike became my anchor. I reveled in the complete loss of control and surrendered to him completely. I really liked this game.

He watched me calm down a little before he started in on round three. “Now then, love. Say it.”

He wanted me to talk, after that?! Ha! “Uhhngh… earreabibler.”

He chuckled and his grip loosened a bit. “Is that right?”

I looked at him, trying to catch my breath, “Yeah…that’s…right.” I had no clue what we were agreeing to but it sounded really good.

“Never letting you go, love. And whether you admit it or not…you are irresistible. Down right mouth watering.” He raised his hand from my shaft and brought it to his lips. There was a sliver of milky white pre-come on his fingers. My pre-come. And then like a kitten cleaning his paws he lapped it up and swallowed it down. “In point of fact, quite edible,” he said, the predatory smirk on in full force. He was toying with me and we both knew it. He was the cat and I was the mouse but I was more than happy to be here. He couldn’t get me to say the word but he sure made me feel it.

Irresistible.

And for that, I’d always love him.

“I love you, Spike.”

He smiled at that, the predator falling away, all that remained was the man I fell in love with, “Love you forever, Xander.”

I liked the sound of that. “You’re too far away. Come back here and finish what you started.”

Never breaking eye contact, he lowered his hand back down to my cock and pulled it towards his. I almost cried out when they connected but bit my lip just in time. The smirk was back as he saw my reaction.

“Give me your hand,” he whispered, as if talking too loud would break the moment we created. I raised my hand slightly, a little unsure. “Wrap your fingers around my prick.” I did and the world tipped at the new experience.

Cool and sleek, I ran my thumb over the tip and found the slit wet. “Uhhh, yeah, Spike.”

He gave my cock a squeeze and I followed suit on his. Then he started to run his hand up and down my shaft and I felt his knuckles as they ran next to mine. Occasionally he would run his thumb over the head and collect the fluid there. I copied his movements and soon we were thrusting in time to each other. And this time we were in rhythm. He opened his fingers, letting his hand just rub the underside of my shaft, “Open your hand.”

I was more than willing to follow his orders. I did as he asked. Then his fingers reached for mine. I entwined my fingers with his, encasing both our shafts. I groaned at the new sensation of cock on cock, and arched into it, tilting my head back.

“Yeah that’s it, Xand. Just like that,” he moaned. “Give it all to me.”

Every second with him was hotter than the next. “Yes, Spike! Oh yeah, harder,” I begged him. I was so close, I just needed that little bit extra.

“Look at me, love,” he murmured, his mouth almost touching mine.

As I tilted my head back and gazed into his eyes, he squeezed my shaft and thrust hard. That was all it took. I groaned and shook and had to close my eyes as I covered both our hands in warm come. I tried to recover quickly, so I could look at him, not wanting to miss anything.

He now had his head thrown back and his back arched and was thrusting hard against me, fist moving quickly now that I had finished, aftershocks making me jerk slightly. I reached for him with my free hand, resting it against his hip and pulled him to me, grinding my slowly softening cock into our joined fists and against his slippery shaft. I felt a quick jolt from him, then my chest was covered in cool fluid. I watched as he continued to arch back and his come gushed onto me. I had never seen anything more beautiful.

He unexpectedly collapsed on top of me, pulling our hands away at the last second, squishing the come all over us, creating a complete mess. He then reached and ran his sticky fingers into my hair, petting it and pulling my neck closer so he could pepper it in playful love bites. I had never been so happy.

“How was that on your naughty-thrusty scale?” he panted in my ear, gently teasing the lobe with his teeth.

My brain wasn’t much past sticky and happy but I managed, “Oh, you are so busted, mister.”

He chuckled, “Does this mean I get to be punished?” He didn’t make it sound like a bad thing, with the way he nudged his hips into mine. It made my body think, ‘wait ten minutes and I’ll be ready for anything’.

“Nuh-uh,” I reprimanded, and pushed him up to get a good look at him. “Shower. And, ugh, you were so right about needing it,” I joked. I ran my other hand through our combined fluids, loving the feel of it on my skin, knowing it was a part of him, seeping into my pores. I really didn’t want to get clean, not just yet.

He must have seen the look of indecision on my face. “Can get dirty again, after. Maybe even while we’re in there.” A mischievous smile bloomed on his lips. “Have all night, don’t we?”

He leaned down, resting his forehead against mine. I could feel his cool breath against my face for a moment and then he captured my lips in a kiss, tenderly nuzzling into me and sweeping his tongue into a dance with mine.

No, we have forever.

I smiled at the thought and pulled him closer to me. I held the back of his head with one hand and ran the other down his cheek towards his mouth, still tangling with mine. He caught a roving digit with his tongue and pulled the wet finger into his mouth between our lips, then gently sucked and nibbled on it, giving a little bob of his head.

A shower was definitely needed but getting clean was the last thing on my mind.

I opened my eyes and shivered as the memory of that perfect night a year ago flittered away. Reality rushed back, bringing with it pain, loneliness, and despair. My skin tingled as my body refused to let go, desperately missing Spike’s touch. A never ending ache settled in my chest where my heart used to be, replacing the wonderful feeling there only a moment ago.

I know now we were both under a spell at the time. My head knows it wasn’t real, but my heart…the black hole that it has become, keeps begging for the lie. I remember how happy we were. How in love.

I’ll never forget the smile on his face when I said yes to his impromptu proposal. Of all the things that happened that night, all the discoveries we made together, all the passion we shared, it is that smile that haunts me. I’d never seen him so happy and haven’t seen him that happy since. Was it because of me, us, and not just the spell?

Is he just as miserable as I am because we lost it all? Lost our love? What’s left of my battered heart keeps saying yes.

I should hate him. Buffy should kill him. Giles should want to study him.

But all I want to do is strip him down, grind myself against him till we are covered in each other again and then hold him and never let go. So that’s why after a lot of thought, a lot of research, and a lot of alcohol, I’ve decided enough is enough.

After a year of nothing but faded memories, cruel dreams, and a few choice encounters, I think I’m owed a little something.

I’m not giving up on us.

I’m getting my forever back.

The End

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