I sit in silence
The only noise 
Is of the thousands of words
Pounding in my own mind
I have so many flaws
There are so few answers
If I don’t match the pairs soon
All will be lost
I sit and plaster on that smile
I’ve gotten so I can’t do anything
With out that smile
Joy, pain
they’re both the same
I still smile in the way
That now I always have
I can’t afford a frown
Showing the wrong emotion
Can cause an unnesciscary commotion
I need answers
Not more questions
Questions that I can’t answer
Eat at me like a cancer
I try to understand
What they can comprehend
Life is supposed to be so much fun
Yet all I do is run
Towards and away
I know I can’t stay
Perhaps there are more things out there
To live like I hadn’t a care
But they care
Then why don’t they look
Like they feel the way I do
Are we all hiding 
What really exists
Then whats the worth of living
If this world is only shit
I can’t say
I haven’t found one yet either
Maybe it’s not in world
But what’s in us
Or did I just read that somewhere
Perhaps we stay
Because we know
Despite the pain
It’s what we do right
To stop some of the pain
For ourselves or others
That is why we stay
And also because
“those who are persecuted in my name
shall be well rewarded in heaven”
Does that really mean there’s hope
Or do we make out own hope too
Not so much sarcasm as being snide
Life is what it is made to be
Death is what it is forced to be
Existence is only relevant
To you and God
There must be a purpose
Or there can be no hope
To only find falts
Will never do
I must look higher
Or even lower
My current elevation
May just be the problem
But that really doesn’t make any sense
I try
And I try
And I try
And I try
Maybe I need to stop
Trying
and start
Doing
But I don’t know what to do
I don’t need to know what to say
For no one is interested in that
And God said
He’d give me the words to say
Your just supposed to ask
No one is ever interested 
I what someone else is saying
Or doing
Until it might be usefull to them
Then they care
Why does it work
So that it does the wrong
From the words
That God has written
If God didn’t care
We wouldn’t exist
If God didn’t love
We wouldn’t exist
If God didn’t speak
would we notice?
I continue
Life continues
Not for all 
But for a select few
Life is not worth living
Yet there is nothing worth dieing for
What about love
Fuck love
Love only is an intermission
A time for pain to regroup
And try to kill you again
I wish I actually knew
What love is
I can’t find it
Something hidden
Everyone else
Claims they know
Claims they do
Claims they have
Claims they will
It doesn’t matter really
I will stay
As I always have
This life will not betray me
For it is life itself
That is the betrayer
And life cannot betray itself
So you can depend on the facts
That the only certainty
In this world
Is that there isn’t one
The existance of human inteligence
Is an unknown oxymoron
Too bad I can’t spell
If you truly try to do something
It may just accomplish itself
If I had a brain
Maybe I’d use it
To learn
Learn what I do not know now
Learn how to live
Learn how to forgive myself
Learn how to accept
Learn how to cope
Learn how to exist
Learn how to be intelligent
Learn how to type
Learn what I must
Learn what I can
Is that too much
Reach as high as you can
And the fall will be great
But know that you tried
And though you die
Somehtings will live on
What even is death
How about that old one:
Death is just natures way
Of telling you to slow down
Or so my memory tells me
The game quotes
Must have 400 luck
Or you can get 400 acrobatics
Just by importing a previously used character
From any of the other Quest for Glory games
Just import
Give your hero
All the points in Acrobatics
Cancel
Repeat
Until all 400 is there
Do not exceed 400
Why
Because I told you not too
You don’t listen to me anyway
Do you
You’re not even listening now
ARE YOU
Listen to the silence
It’s everywhere
Yet still very hard to find
I sit in silence
deja vou
How do you know what is real
And what is all in your mind
My mind creates
It’s own reality
I wonder
And I ponder
But pondering
Isn’t really a word anyway
Just because you say it is
You always tell me
I am always learning
They always tell me
Tell me things
Things I don’t want to hear
Listening itself
Is a trying labor
Remembering 
Is even harder
The phone rings so many times
I can’t concentrate
I can’t do anything
I can’t live
I can’t die
I can’t stay
I can’t leave
I can’t see
I can’t hear
Hear nothing but the silence
I sit in silence
Listening to the labor
Of the beating of my own heart
Lost in the silence
Searching for answers
The balckness of the night
Only offers the blankness of my mind
They brightness of day
Only offends my eyes
And depresses my soul
How far
How far down
How far down can one go
How many times
You know much
I know little
I try to learn
You can’t help
We share the same world
Yet mine is different
The more
Different the more the same
We all are different
We all are the same
God sees us the same
What does God see
God knows me
I don’t know God
I don’t know myself
Being selfcentered
Can be deadly
I must work harder
To make it better
I still sit the way I did
It won’t get better
I must make it better
You can waste your whole life
If you don’t follow 
What you’re supposed to do
If you can’t find yourself
Then you are lost
I don’t know where to start looking
Not all that is found is missing
Not all that wonder are lost
There is good and bad
Both are their own
You can see the past
But not the future
The present is a blur of the two
We walk a thin line
All things are a thin line
To try and do what is right
Is often the opposite path
I know not which I walk
Do you know your path
If you do
I salute you
For the future is shaky
The present is as well
Time is interpreted as you wish
But it cannot be stopped
Sometimes too slow for some
While at the same moment
Others are fighting to make time
Go on as long as possible
We may not know how much
We may not know how little
Trust in God
You will stay until your time is up
Life is a continuem
Where one ends
Another picks up
To take its place
There are no gaps
Everything is supposed to be covered
Who can tell
You can’t see the picture from here
For you are part of it
A small pixel
In the sea of a computer screen
What picture do you want to make
Is it worth looking at
I’m not sure if mine is
The thoughts swirl
Around my head 
All is a whirl
I try to concentrate
But the mind is perverted
She is so close
It can’t be averted
I can not fail
Though to try would be futile
Just stay where I am
And I will be in exhile
To try or not
It must be found quickly
I cannot take it
This is very tricky
Just to say that I tried
Will be stupid and worthless
I’ve done that enough
And I can’t afford
To forsake
The friendships I’ve forged
Are still yet infantile
To test them now
Would destroy all worth while
So what is the controversy
Love does not care
I thought I told you to Fuck Love
I’ll see where it leads I don’t know where
Pain can be dealt with
From time to time
But when problems increase
I may not make it this time
I am not old
But no longer young
Or so I am told
Yet I have seen
Enough I guess
To know the obscene
And feel the distress
At this point as well as any others
To die now is dishonerable
Especially to mothers
So one must stay
And try to be
The hero you think
They all will see
Is it all in your head
I cannot tell
If I where to slip
Well
I guess I’ll see you in...

-David
12:34 A.M. 7-7-02

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