When I was born, I was so ugly that the doctor slapped my mother.

When I was born . . . the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could . . . he still pulled through."

My mother had morning sickness - after I was born.

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.

Once when I was lost . . . I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid . . . there are so many places they can hide."

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me... and no one showed up.

I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking the owner, how big I'd get.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

When I was a kid my parents always moved a lot, but I always found them.

A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over, nobody was home.

When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's.

With my wife, I don't get no respect. The other night there was a knock on the front door. My wife told me to hide in the closet.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

With my wife, I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.

I tell ya I get no respect from anyone. I bought a cemetery plot. The guy said, "There goes the neighborhood."

Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on to pay in advance

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror . . . I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

Oh, last week was a rough week. I noticed my gums were shrinking. I was brushing my teeth with Preparation H

I went to the doctor because I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

It's been a rough day. I got up this morning . . . put on a shirt and a button fell off.
I picked up the briefcase and the handle came off. Now I'm afraid to go to the bath- room.

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