Title: Do I love thee the way thou lovest me?
Author: Sorceress Fantasia
Pairing: 1+2, implied 3+4
Warnings: Lime, Relena bashing, sap?, down-playing of the war in general, TWT, a little AU
Disclaimer: The GW boys do not belong to me in any form or shape. I'm just borrowing them for a little fun. *wink*
Note: The following are excerpts from Duo's diary, so don't be surprised as to why the dates jump around so much. For the purpose of this fic, Endless Waltz did not happen. And this ficcy is dedicated to my country, which just celebrated its 37th birthday. Happy birthday!

Do I Love Thee Way Thou Lovest Me? by Sorceress Fantasia

15th January AC 195

Hey Solo! I told you a couple days ago Heero and I were gonna pose as students in this school, right? Well, we're here now and I'm having so much fun. I've made new friends, dissed the cafeteria food and really ticked off a couple of the teachers already. Especially the physics teacher. It's not my fault that I know more about mechanics than him. Yeah, so I don't listen to his class or do the work he assigns. But, hey! C'mon! Like I said, it ain't my fault. And the civics teacher's a real witch. W-I-T-C-H. No, she hasn't progressed to the stage where I gotta change that 'W' to a 'B' yet, but I think that won't last for long. I've still got the Maxwell charms too. At least five girls have already moved in on me, and I think that was when I started to lose count. But you know what? I think Heero is more of a girl magnet than I am. He's got quite a few propositions too. But the most incredible thing is that Relena Peacecraft is chasing after him. Yeah, she came to our school today in her *pink* (not that I have anything against the car, but pink and such a cool thing just don't go together, if you know what I mean) limo and went around asking for Heero. Out of the corner of my eye (I don't invade on private moments like this, but it doesn't mean I don't 'accidentally' see them), I saw something really absurd. Hold the papers and call the press, man! Heero-the-perfect-soldier-and-I'm-not-scared-of-anything-including-setting-my-own-leg-Yuy actually cringed! It was just a little and went away kinda quickly, but I'm positive it was there. He *cringed*. Anyway, I left there and then, since I didn't wanna play 'gooseberry'. Of course I stayed somewhere discreet to watch the whole thing play out, Solo! So with me out of the picture, Relena advanced quickly on her man, but Heero moved away even quicker. He just gave her the patented Glare of Doom (TM) and muttered... *drum rolls* 'Omae o korosu.' It didn't work though. It's either Relena's immune to it, or she desperately needs a new J-E dictionary. So Heero went away and she just left. Heh... I thought she'd be more persistent than that.

16th January AC 195

I'm retracting what I said yesterday, Solo. Relena *is* the personification of persistence. I told you that she left after Heero brushed her off. Yeah, she left the area, but she didn't leave the school compound. She had gone to the principal's office and demanded a place immediately. Gods. So she's a student here too, and extremely 'coincidentally', she's got the exact same classes as Heero. Luckily, I only have a few lessons with Heero, so I don't have to see her going ga ga all over him. It's disgusting seeing most of the school population hanging onto her every word like it's the Good Book. Geez! Get a life! And she keeps batting those eyes of hers at the teachers. What's she trying to do? Bribe the teachers? Yeah, I think they'll do anything just to make her stop. She keeps batting them at Heero too. I suppose she thinks she's got a power station inside her or something. But honestly, she won't be able to even electrocute a man in water. Luckily, we'll be leaving this hellhole tomorrow. I'd love to get a picture of her when she discovers 'her Heero' is missing suddenly, but no thank you. I'm not gonna stay here and be disgusted by her again.

20th March AC 195

That Relena gave a speech about world peace over the TV today. Everyone who listened to her, clapped generously for she struck a chord with them. All she touched on were for the rich and influential. Aristocrats. Like herself. Did she even think of or remember us, the poor and powerless? Of course not. How can she remember us when all she knows is her ivory tower and other superficial things from textbooks? She doesn't know what it is like to grow up on the streets, to have to steal and prostitute to survive. To have to scavenge your food from rubbish cans and water from broken pipes. To have to sleep on the cold, hard ground. That water is too much of a luxury to bath with. She doesn't understand. Her ideal world is pristine and pure, and there is no place for the soiled and tainted.

I am angry, Solo. Her peace does not include us.

19th April AC 195

Che! If you were alive, Solo, I'd be willing to bet a freakin' cuisine that you'd be royally pissed off by her too! I still can't believe that Relena gal! She tracked down Heero again today at school. We were just walking through the school compound for our next lesson when she appeared, and immediately, she latched onto Heero's arms like a leech. And me, being the friend that I am, tried to pry her off after the fifth 'omae o korosu'. I swear that she's got a built-in immunization from those death threats. Yeah, I succeeded pretty easily, since Heero shoved her away so forcefully. He virtually vanished after that, and I didn't see him until nighttime. But that's not the point! The point is, I was left there dangling with her! Somehow, for reasons still unknown to me and I think I can safely assume the whole of humanity as well, she thought that I was standing between her and Heero! I know people can get delusional when they're upset, but this girl made it into an art! So she started to pound me with her -cripes- gaudy *pink* handbag! Eww! Stop laughing, Solo! I had to skip classes and go wash my hair with extra strong shampoo just to get rid of that slimy feeling! And while she was clobbering me, she practically screamed my ears off. I don't think I've ever heard anyone curse that fluently before. Yeah, and that includes you, buddy! Just when I was wondering where the heck was the supposedly well-bred, polite pacifist she was brought up to be, she landed me with one the worst insults I've ever heard. It was the same one those jerks in school used to call me, when I was still living in the Maxwell Church. She actually called me that! A gutter rat! I was boiling mad, I tell ya! But she didn't stop there, and the insults got worse and worse. I was all ready to rip her guts out when her driver came along to pick her up. He just dragged her along like this was an everyday occurrence, and apologized to me on her behalf. But that can't placate me. Calling me a gutter rat? Hmph! If she had left a second later, I'd have... Geez! You don't have to rub it in, Solo! I know she's important to achieving peace, which is why I can't do a freakin' thing to her... I wanna scream~!

21st April AC 195

The mission's over. But the stupid Heero just had to take a bullet meant for me! He just pushed me aside suddenly and got hit instead. It just grazed over his arm, and I am thankful for that. But his wounds have gotten infected. He's now delirious with fever, and I'm stuck in the safehouse, looking after him. I don't have many supplies to last long. Hope he'll come to fast. Help him, Solo.

22nd April AC 195

Heero still hasn't woken up. I had to go a pharmacy and get some drugs and fresh bandages for him. He soaked the ones I left on him yesterday, and he's still feverish. Is he gonna wake up? I'm worried.

23rd April AC 195

It's been three days, and Heero has shown no signs of waking up anytime soon. But at least I've gotten his fever under control. It's not too high now, and I think a few more dosage should bring it down completely. He's been moaning and wincing all day long, though. I think I've heard him call my name too, but I'm not too sure. In fact, I heard something that vaguely sounded like 'Suki da, Duo'. I must be hearing things. The day he'll say that is the day pigs will fly. But... I wonder what's he dreaming about.

24th April AC 195

It's day four, and Heero has made a turn for the better. His fever is gone, and I've taken away the bulky bandages. He can do without them now, but I'm still giving him a couple of smaller ones just in case. All in all, he's doing fine. He's still rambling though. He said it again. 'Suki da, Duo'. He likes me. A lot. I don't know what to say... how am I supposed to react? Or say? I have never thought about our relationship much, just taking it for granted that he's my best pal. Now that I've heard his confession, I'm lost. Somehow, I think a dark part of me hopes that he'll never wake up, so I never have to think about this. But... I want him to. I'll deal with it when it does come. After all, he might have said it in delirium, but there's hardly any chance of him saying it to me while conscious. It's just not possible.

25th April AC 195

GODS, Solo! Heero finally woke up today! I'm so happy I could just do the chicken dance! Ya know, that dance where you cluck and flap your hands like they're potential KFC chicken wings? Yeah, that one. Anyway, he's well on the road of recovery now, and I can finally stop worrying so much and catch some forty winks.

However he hasn't been able to meet my eyes the whole day, somehow. He's been so quiet it scares me. I know he's always quiet, but this quietness is different. Calm before the storm? I don't know. I think he's re-evaluating our relationship or something like that. I'm just glad he didn't say anything about it. But how long will that last? I have the sneaking suspicion that he will broach the issue sometime soon. I just hope he'll give me enough time to think it through. It's confusing, you know? I mean... your best buddy suddenly says that he loves you? Feels like I'm watching some soap opera. It's just so unimaginable that Heero'd feel that way towards me. After all, he never did give me any hints, and he didn't exactly seem to reciprocate my friendship much. It's like I befriended him against his will or something.

I'm afraid that if this doesn't work out, our friendship will fall apart. Heero has been a wonderful friend to me, and I don't want to lose a friend this good just because of me unable to return his romantic feelings. Tell me, Solo. What should I do?

26th April AC 195

I was pretty much gonna avoid Heero for the next few days, cause I still ain't got a clue as to how to deal with that sensitive subject. I mean, what am I gonna say if he admits it? I still don't know how I feel about him, really. I didn't want to lie to him, either. But no~! He just had to drop the bombshell on me today! I had just given him his medication, made sure he swallowed them, and was about to leave when he said, "Dai suki, Duo." He said it loud and clear, so I can't pretend that I missed it. So in my shock, I just stood there like a deer in headlights, jaws so slack I swear you could stuff a fish in it and I wouldn't notice a thing! Honestly, I never thought that it was for real, that he was caught in some nightmare or a parody of a screwed up dream, much less say it out loud, to me! It was impossible! After all, wasn't the knight in shining armor supposed to be with the beautiful princess? I may be beautiful, but I sure as hell ain't a princess! Then again, neither is he a knight. Both of us are bringers of death, neither innocent like a princess or noble like a knight. Are we entitled to a luxury such as love? I'm not sure how to love. I told him that, and he said he understood because that was what had gone through his mind when he first admitted to himself that he loved me. But he made me promise to think about it and to not let it ruin our friendship if there can't be anything more than that. I know better, though. Things will never be the same. I've never seen him so despondent.

27th April AC 195

I didn't sleep the previous night. Or rather, I *couldn't*. Heero's confession is still running a marathon in my head, and I can't stop thinking about it. I don't understand? Just what does he see in me? I'm shinigami, and no one has ever lived long enough to love death. That aside, he and I are polar opposites. He is ice and I am fire. He is the earth and I am the sky. He is heaven and I am hell. But when I think about it, maybe we are more alike that I'd like to admit. We are both guests at a masquerade, hiding behind our own masks. His of cold regime and mine of warm smiles. But underneath the masks, both of us are more lost than a sheep away from its flock. We have no real goals in life other than the next mission and meal. We have no idea what to hope for, and what we need. Despite the confusion, we are both determined and persevering individuals with the same hard-headedness.

Another thing to add onto my bewilderment is when. When did Heero fall in love with me? As far as I can remember, I don't think I've ever done anything to spark it. Sure, I flirted with him, but I flirt with *everyone*. I talked a lot to him, but I talk a lot to *every* living thing I see. I smiled at him, but those smiles weren't private. I smiled for many things and people.

And why? As in, why now? We've known each other for months already, so what prompted him to admit it now?

So I asked him this morning. He said that I astounded him. I'm a soldier, a puppet in the war. Yet I didn't lose my innocence, my cheerfulness, my optimism. I was different from others, so different that he felt wary of me in the beginning. He suspected that I had some evil plot to ruin the colonies, or that I was a spy for OZ disguised as a gundam pilot. He didn't like me back then. Not a bit of good sentiments towards me, he said. But that changed soon, after he witnessed my piloting skills and efficiency in completing missions. He listened to me talk, and found my thoughts to be rather insightful. He heard about my past, and felt shocked that I could remain cheery after all that I'd gone through. So he finally realized that I was worthy of a gundam as much as he was. He wanted to understand me, because I was so different. So he started to observe me, and that observation soon became an obsession. He wanted to know where I was and what I was doing every time I wasn't within his sight. He couldn't stop thinking of me. He couldn't stop protecting me, in anyway he could. But the most important thing is that I *never* called him by his designated number. Even Quatre had done it before. But I had stood with my policy of never calling anyone by their numbers.

He couldn't answer the 'when' question though. Said it was over the whole time he knew me. Maybe there was an attraction even when I shot him.

He also told me that he felt the sudden urge to tell me now because that gunshot and of his nightmare while he had been unconscious. He had been afraid for me when that bullet came towards me. Afraid that I wouldn't be alive to hear his confession, and to never see me again. It was on pure instincts that he jumped in front of me and shielded me with his body. And during his 'coma', his mind had been filled with images of me. Of me hurt, bleeding, and even dying. He didn't want that. He wanted images of *us* together.

I'm still confused towards my own feelings. I know I like him a lot, but does that equate to love? I'd admit that he's one of the most attractive male species I've ever known, and that I'm turned on by his bod. But that's lust, not love. I like talking to him cause he's intelligent, but that's a confidant, not a lover. I enjoy his company, but I enjoy many people's company too. Is there anything I can relate to Heero only? Something that borders on love?

You can't help me with this one, Solo. I gotta figure it out for myself.

12th May AC 195

Guess what, Solo? I've just become the lucky victim of the cosmic joke of the millennium. Yeah, I'm assigned to protect that Peacecraft gal for her speech tomorrow. Remind me to shoot Doctor G after the war, would ya? Geez! Of all the pilots, they just had to choose me! Why couldn't they choose the ever diplomat Quatre? He'd make an excellent escort, I tell ya! And while he's at it, he might as well do the speech for her! I swear he can do it even better than that phony pacifist! Or even Wufei? So what if he disrespects women in general? Most probably, he'd do me a favour and kill her before any assassins can.

Relena wasn't too pleased with the arrangement either when she discovered I would be the one protecting her instead of Heero. Apparently, she's still upset about him disappearing on her in our last school. She still doesn't get it, does she? For a politician, she's pretty dense when it comes to her love life. Not that she has one with Heero.

Talking about Heero, I haven't seen him for the last two weeks. I hope I can meet him soon, so I can make sure he's okay. Not that I've figured out what to do with his admission. I still haven't come to a conclusion yet. Somehow, my thoughts center around the same ones every time I think of it. I like him a lot, but I can't tell if that's love or friendship. Are my feelings towards him platonic?

No idea.

I can't think too much tonight. I gotta wake up really early tomorrow for my mission.

13th May AC 195

The mission this afternoon was a success. I managed to stop the would-be sniper even before he had a chance to draw out his gun. He had been acting all suspicious, so it wasn't too hard to guess.

Anyway, Relena blew up at me for that. She said it was unreasonable of me to suspect a person just because he was 'walking and talking funny'. It could've been signs of nervousness, she said. Yeah, right. Of course he's nervous. Nervous about killing you, bitch. She also said that since I had based my suspicion on unreasonable things, it would be disastrous if I hurt an innocent. Sheesh! Just what is her deal? Is she trying to tell me that I can't trust my instincts? Che! Without those instincts, she wouldn't even be able to say all that crap to me! I'd been living on the streets on L2 while she was in her mansion still wearing diapers and sucking on her pacifier, and reading people is a must-have skill if you are living like me. You had to tell whether the person you see on the sidewalk was a predator or prey, and I've never been wrong. Except Heero.

Then she went on to compare me with Heero. She kept saying things like, "If only Heero were here, he would..." Let me tell ya this, lady. I am a gundam pilot, and you are an arrogant princess who hollers about pacifism. How can our mindsets be the same? Much less you and Heero being on the same wavelength. If Heero were here, he would have done the same thing with even more aggression. But you wouldn't bat an eye then, would you?

I know that she dislikes me. It's so obvious. But, I can safely tell her that the feeling's mutual.

23rd May AC 195

I finally see Heero again after a little more than two weeks. He didn't ask me for my answer, and I'm glad for that. Yeah, I still ain't prepared. Enough said.

Anyway, that hellhound tracked him down. Again. Did she plant a homing device on Heero or what? She tried to act all coy while hanging all over him like some jellyfish, and Heero kept looking in my direction like he's willing me to understand that he can't just shake her off and shoot her. I understand. Of course I do. But what was that for? He doesn't want me to be jealous of her? Honestly, I didn't feel any, although I did feel a little weird. Weird because... actually, I can't figure this out for the life of me. It feels a little empty and intangible. I'm not sure.

But I think we should both expect to see her in class tomorrow.

24th May AC 195

Surprise, surprise. Miss. Spoilt Brat was indeed in all of our classes today. Even physical education. Yeah, so she was having a hard time playing netball while ogling Heero. Well, that happened in every class, although it was more blatantly obvious during that lesson. Too bad some nice gal blocked that ball headed straight for her face. I would have loved to see her makeup all mussed up.

And while she drooled over him, she managed to save some time for me. How fortunate. She insulted me at every opportunity she got, and before I knew it, she and a small clique of friends were picking on me during lunch break. Had Heero not been there, things would have gotten very messy. Literally.

I'm too mad at her to do much today. Che. I hate being unproductive.

Hey Solo. Is it possible that you blacklist her for me? Ya know, in that place where you are now?

26th May AC 195

Sorry, Solo. Didn't report to you last night, but I was busy.

I slept with Heero. Yeah, slept. Told him that I love him too, and well... I guess he really wanted me. Why else would he have one whole tube of lube ready? In fact, I think he has more in his bag pack.

Anyway, it all started with Relena this late evening. I was returning to my dorm room after dinner, and some god's dry sense of humour made us meet in the hallway. Somehow, I got into an argument with her again, and somewhere along the lines, she got so agitated she actually slapped me! And she didn't stop there. In short, she was provoking me into a catfight with her with all those clawing and hair-pulling. Heero passed by just as she slapped me, and boy, was he mad! He was so angry he just shoved Relena onto the ground so hard I bet she has a bruise on her ass now. She deserves it! Anyway, he grabbed my arm firmly and led me into our dorm room after that. I think he was kinda upset, cause he kept looking at me with that doe look. He made me sit down at the edge of the bed, and set a wet towel to the cheek Relena slapped. For some reasons, he felt responsible for it and apologized to me. But when I heard him say all that, I started to boil over. From the very first time I've met her, she's managed to find faults with me, and she's not afraid to voice them. She's been unreasonable, impolite, prejudicial towards me, and has pummeled me with her handbag, insulted me, slapped me. I hate her holier-than-thou attitude. I hate the way she hangs onto Heero. I hate the way people on the colonies and Earth like her. I hate everything about her.

Then all of a sudden, something fell into place. I wanted revenge, yet not kill her or hurt her physically. And then, Heero's voice broke my trance. The words spilled out of my mouth before I could stop them. I said 'I love you', and everything started to go on in auto gear. Before I knew what was happening, I was already lying in a pile of sweaty limbs with him.

He is really gentle towards me. And he kept telling me how happy he was to finally have me. When it was all over, he pulled me onto his body, letting my head lie on his chest. As he stroked my loose hair with one hand and wrapped the other around me, I could feel his smile.

I feel guilty, Solo. Did I lie to him? Do I really love him, or did I just go to bed with him as revenge against Relena? I'm so confused and scared.

27th May AC 195

My guilt is eating at me. I've been so distracted the whole day. So distracted that I nearly handed in my Geography assignment during my History lesson, sat stiffer than a statue when the class clown (No, that's not me. I'm just his follow-up.) cracked an extremely stupid joke, called a Chinese classmate Wufei and his girlfriend Nataku, nearly went into the Ladies, filled my name as 'Shinigami' for my chemistry worksheet (I changed that before I handed in though, luckily), brought a physics textbook into my literature class, and ate my soup with a fork. If Heero hadn't stopped me, I think I'd be confused as to why I was still hungry after lunch. And Heero... he's worried about me. I can tell, and I'm not the only one. His concern is rather noticeable to everyone, and some of them... well, all I can say is that some of our classmates nearly had to go to the hospital to screw back their jaws when Heero asked me if I was okay.

He doesn't want the school to know about us yet. So he still puts up that cold act in public, although it's not that convincing anymore. His eyes are still warm, and he doesn't like to leave me for long. But in private, he seems like a completely different person. He just can't get enough of me, I guess. His hands roam my body like an explorer exploring virgin land, and he kisses me everywhere he can reach. He has a special attraction for my braid too, and he enjoys securing it in his hands. Says it keeps me near him. I can't believe this is the same Heero Yuy as I'd met on Earth for the first time. Who would have thought him to be such an... idiot about love? And I sure as hell didn't expect to become the sole receiver of his affections.

For some reasons I don't know and don't want to know, Miss. Pushy didn't go to classes today. Good thing for her too. She'd either burst an artery or blow a fuse if she saw Heero fussing over me. I can just see it in the headlines. 'Renowned Politician Goes Crazy After Seeing Crush's Lover'. Geez.

I've to stop writing now. Heero's coming out of the shower and he's heading straight for me, with only a towel on his waist. Jaa, Solo!

31st May AC 195

Yeah, yeah. So I haven't written for the past 3 days. Sue me. Honestly Solo. If you had seen what's been going on these few days, you wouldn't bat an eye even if I didn't write for a month!

Happens that Relena didn't get the hint when Heero pushed her away for me after she slapped me. So after one day of absence, she continued to cling onto Heero once she saw him. Continued to wink, to smile coyly at him. All her advancement made Heero even more uncomfortable than before, and he got intimate with me every chance he got. In fact, he pulled me into a broom closet earlier to steal a couple of kisses. I've completely lost count of the number of times I had to tidy up my shirt. He's afraid that I'd take it the wrong way. I think he's paranoid, but somehow, I feel kinda cherished. But ya know me, Solo. I just couldn't resist the opportunity to taunt that woman. So I was around Heero all the time, and made sure that she saw that. I did all that she had done before without avail. But I was Duo Maxwell, the love of his life. I clung onto him; he hugged back. I winked at him; he winked back. I smiled at him; he smiled back more. In the privacy of our room, I would take the initiative. Well, not all that initiative. All I had to do was whisper in his ear, and he would do the rest. He made sure I never needed to do anything much to get his sole attention.

That, of course, didn't go well with Relena. After the first day, she dragged Heero somewhere out of my sight. But she didn't say I couldn't take a peek. It's in my thief nature, yeah? I hid in a nearby bush which are the trademarked locations for eavesdropping. And after I pried away some leaves, I could see them too. Anyway, Relena was just hopping mad and her face was beet red. She demanded to know why was he, I quote, 'ignoring me and lavishing all your precious attention on that gutter rat!' Che! She actually had the guts to say that outright in his face! Heero went from impatient civilian to extremely annoyed soldier in a sec, and gave her such a dressing-down that even I would have been on the brink of tears if I were in her shoes then. God! I've never seen him so angry before. Not even when I nearly broke his laptop, and that was before he discovered that he had a thing for me! So of course, Miss. 'Prim-and-proper' cried like a hailstorm. Thank goodness Heero didn't tell her that we are together. If he did, I'm sure she'd have cried until the Great Wall of China collapsed. Heh. Weird analogy, huh? Wufei told me this myth some time ago. Some woman called Meng Jiang Nu [1] cried to that extent when her husband died, which, he said, accounted for the disintegration of one section of the Wall. Anyway, Heero left her after that.

For the next 2 days, she tried all means and methods to try and separate us. Once, she made a teacher give me detention for some stupid reasons. She must have bribed the teacher, cuz even *I* couldn't believe the excuse. But Heero insisted on staying with me, so her plan didn't work. On another occasion, she ordered the principal to expel me for an even more stupid reason. She failed, of course. You don't expel a student just because he snores in his sleep, do you? Her plans made Heero even more disgruntled than usual, and he spent even more time with me. I think he likes to get physical in bed a lot. Especially these few days, he's been exceptionally horny. Maybe he's trying assert his love for me, or that he hates Relena and he's frustrated. Anyhow, he's made me so damn tired every morning I won't be surprised if Wufei takes me back to China, thinking I'm some runaway panda. Then Heero'd apologize for keeping me up so late at night, and he'd try to make up, which leads us right back to making out. Like he said, he won't ever get tired of me.

I'm contented, in some ways. Physical contentment is one sure thing. But mentally, I'm not so sure. Heero loves me so much I'd be blind to not see it, and I'm honoured to be his lover. I'm worried, though, that I'm not good enough for him. What if I'm doing this for revenge against Relena? I know I've been through this before, but I can't get it out of my head. Solo... I'm so vexed I don't know what to do.

10th June AC 195

Heero and I went our separate ways this afternoon. No, we didn't break up or anything, Solo. We just went to opposite directions of the globe for our respective solo missions. Ha, I made a pun. Anyway, Heero was kinda upset he had to leave me, so he gave me this necklace with a crystal cross before he left. Told me to grab that in my fist whenever I thought of him, and that he'd miss me. Even though I've been his lover for couple weeks already, I'm still trying to get used to Heero being so sensitive towards me. So my jaws had dropped a little, and he took that opportunity to kiss me silly. Like he was kissing a lifestream and couldn't stop. After the kiss, he took the black elastic band from my braid as a memento too. I felt horrible. He gave me such a wonderful necklace, and all I gave him was a hair band. He said he didn't mind though, cuz he'd still be reminded of me, and that was all that mattered to him. I didn't know what to say, so I just smiled. He smiled back, and we left the place.

I think I'll miss him. In fact, I'm missing him already.

17th June AC 195

It's only been a week, and I find that I've been grabbing the crystal cross so frequently it hardly leaves my hand. I miss Heero so much that I dream of him every night. He's always that thoughtful, sensitive man who loves me more than life in my dreams. But I know it's for real. His feelings for me aren't a figment of my imagination. He loves me.

It's hard to imagine him being so vocal about it. I mean, he's made it a point to tell me he loves me at least once a day when we're together. And when he says it, he doesn't just say it. His words come from his heart, and I can feel it with mine. His eyes get this bright light, and sears onto my mind. They look so warm. And even if he doesn't say it, his love can be seen and felt from the things he does for me. Nearly everything he does touches me. Ah... I miss him. So what if I'm a sap, Solo? Give me some credit for it!

Anyway, I met Hirde on L2 today. She hasn't changed much. A little thinner though. One thing about her that'll never change is her tendency to pick up my groceries for me. Somehow, I think it's her hobby. Not that I'm complaining here, since I'm too busy to get them myself, but I'm starting to notice a pattern here. Is it just me, or does she really like to do it? And as usual, she tried to flirt with me. If I were still Duo Maxwell the bachelor, I would've flirted right back. But somehow, I couldn't do it today. Luckily, Hirde flirts for fun. She knows that I don't like her more than I like my sister, so she didn't take it badly. I felt like I was betraying Heero when I tried, though. Hm. I can't stop thinking about him. Everything I do, even watching TV, I'd think 'Would Heero like this?' I seem to be changing unconsciously to accommodate him in my life.

I think I'm falling in love with him.

1st July AC 195

It's been three weeks since I last saw Heero, and I just can't stand it. I miss him a lot. After spending so much time with him, it feels weird to be without him. But he hasn't forgotten me. I just received an email from him in my private account. He's on a fairly dangerous mission with Quatre and Trowa, but they're alright. Just a couple of bruises and cuts and a little concussion for Quatre, cuz his safety harness nearly snapped and he was flung around in Sandrock's cockpit. I hope he's okay, although I'm pretty sure he'd be extremely fine with Trowa taking care of him. Aww, we don't have to spell that out, now do we, Solo?

About Heero's email... well, I can't stop thinking about the last sentence he wrote, though. He wrote, 'Aishiteru, Duo.' I felt kinda warm when I read that, and according to Wufei, I've been smiling goofily for the past few hours. It's amazing how a simple gesture like that can warm me to the core.

Heero, I miss you.

2nd June AC 195

Missing someone is missing someone. Loving someone is a completely different thing. Like, I miss Hirde sometimes. But that doesn't mean that I love or anything. So no, you can't use how much you miss someone as a gauge for your feelings towards that someone. Get my drift?

Yeah, it's that same o' problem that's been plaguing me for the past few weeks. Heero and me. That one.

I figured that keeping it all cooped up in myself isn't good for my health, and since you can't give me much constructive advice, Solo, I talked to someone else. And since Wufei is the only one around the safehouse, I talked to him.

Of course I didn't tell him exactly what the problem was. I had pretty much cornered him in the living room, and confessed. I told him, 'Wufei, I think I might be falling in love.' He nearly doubled over when I said that. From his facial expression, I think what went through his mind was, 'You don't have to tell me what happened to you in a nightclub.' So I said, 'No Wufei, he's not from a nightclub.' My suspicion was confirmed when I saw relief seep from his face. He asked me then, who was it I love? I didn't exactly lie to him about this one. Just told him it was someone from the Sweepers. Heero had once stayed there with my invitation, yeah?

Anyway, Wufei just gave me this little sigh and told me to be careful of love. It's fickle, he said. I ended up telling him all that Heero had been doing for me the past few weeks. He was pretty amazed when I finished, and told me to hold tight to my crush. In a period of war and unrest, it's highly unlikely to find someone you can spend the rest of your life with, much less that someone loving you so deeply. I had to tell him that I wasn't sure what my feelings were.

And he shared a little piece of information with me, about his life on L5. He had once been married, to someone called Meiran. I was kinda shocked when he told me his marriage, cuz he is like, only 15! I think he knew I was taken aback, cuz he told me that they were betrothed since birth. His explanation didn't do much for me though. Anyway, he and Meiran didn't get along well in the year they were wedded. Both of them held different views about many things, had different attitudes towards life and justice. Before her, he had always believed that justice was merely an excuse for fighting. She changed him, only after her death. She had died protecting her home colony, slipped into Death's grip while in Wufei's embrace. It was when she lay in his arms, badly injured, that he discovered that he loved her. But it was all too late. She would never know that now.

After he finished, he looked at me seriously in the eye. I understood. He was telling me to hold onto Heero, because my admiration for him would grow into love.

No, I still can't say it out loud now. My love is young, and I must understand myself.

By the way, can you do Wufei a favour and pass the message to Meiran?

15th July AC 195

This is the first in a few months that all five of us pilots have a combined mission. The guys didn't know my relationship with Heero before today. Yep, Solo. We told them. It was kinda scary at first, since we weren't exactly sure how they'd take it. We weren't worried about them getting revolted by two guys together, since we know for a fact that Quatre and Trowa are already together. But I felt like a son-in-law meeting his in-laws. Ha! I could just imagine Wufei looking at me with a critical eye, and find something of great injustice with me. Like, 'Her chest is flat!' Then he'd have to get a screwdriver to screw back his eyes. I know for a fact that he's straight. But no, that didn't happen. What happened was him falling off his chair. Yeah, he really did. Heero had wrapped one arm around my waist, and told them (they were seated in the living room, by the way) that, I quote, 'Duo and I are in love.' And Wufei fell off with a loud resounding 'thud'! Quatre and Trowa took it much better. The blonde boy just nudged his lover with a smug look and said, "I told you so." Trowa just shrugged, but I'm pretty sure he was smiling.

I'm glad that they took it in stride, even Wufei, after he had picked himself up from the ground. Luckily, he didn't need that screwdriver, although he did drag me into the kitchen and asked me if Heero had been the one I was talking about the other day. But why did Quatre say that? Does my body language or anything I've done gave away any implication of me loving Heero? I'm still baffled about my feelings.

26th August AC 195

Heero and I celebrated our 3-month anniversary tonight. Who would have thought that the Perfect Soldier was such a romantic? Of course, he has changed a lot since we got together. More caring, more warm, more loving. He wouldn't care if the world were looking at us. Sometimes, I feel that I'm the only one in his existence. And that was what he wanted tonight. He'd taken me out for a picnic under the stars earlier, telling me that for tonight, only the two of us existed. Apparently, he had everything planned out a long time ago. The mat was all spread out by the time he took me there, and there were two baskets and a bottle of champagne. Turns out that there was a lot of food in the baskets, and all of them are my favourites. I'm surprised to find that Heero has been observing me so well that he even knows my eating habits. There was absolutely nothing I dislike there. Not even a morsel. But I was even more surprised when he told me that he had prepared everything by himself. He had learned how to cook all my favourite food! I was so touched I nearly cried. My eyes were already watery. He got so flustered when he saw me like that, and he quickly gathered me into his arms, apologizing. In a moment, I was laughing again at his confusion. But I was really... happy and grateful for everything. So I kissed him. Our kiss didn't progress too far though; he stopped himself soon after that.

We had dinner in the field, looking at the stars. Dinner was relatively quiet, but I didn't think too much of it cuz I was too busy admiring the night sky. It's really beautiful, to see the stars twinkling. The stars look so different in the colony. I wished you'd seen them too, Solo. You'd have loved it.

Anyway, turns out that Heero was too nervous to talk to me then. After we put away all the plates and utensils back into the baskets, he gave me this soulful look. Then he did the unexpectedly unexpected. He took out a plain silver band, and a single red rose from somewhere I don't know. And he said, "Marry me, Duo." I was having such a hard time registering the band I nearly missed his words. I almost wanted to refuse him in the beginning since I was still thinking over our relationship, but when I remembered all the things he'd done for me and the all the time we'd spent together, Wufei's words, plus his puppy eyes as he looked at me, like he was willing me to accept, I just couldn't say it. I couldn't refuse him. Somehow, our relationship had evolved to the point where I can't refuse him anything. I still don't know if that's love, or if it is, how deep it is, but I said 'yes' then. He immediately slid the band on my finger shakily, like he couldn't believe it. I couldn't. And he launched himself at him, pushing me to the ground, body pressing against mine. He gave me that smile I like so much, and softly asked me if he could make love to me. Who was I to stop him at that point? I nodded, and we made love under the stars. Come to think about it, it was really romantic.

I'm still kinda tired from our love making, so I think I'll go back to sleep now. Jaa!

28th August AC 195

Well, my marriage is well underway now. We told the rest of the gang yesterday, and Quatre was soo excited you'd have thought he was the one getting married! Anyway, he's gonna oversee the whole thing for us. He's arranged for the wedding to be held in one of his grand estates.

I'm soooo freaked out, Solo. Is this what they call pre-marital nervousness? It's like I'm gonna lose my freedom tomorrow. Last I heard from Wufei, Heero's getting cold feet too, but he's still determined to marry me. In fact, they're holding a bachelor party in some club now. I wanted to go too, but the guys said that it was bad luck for a would-be married couple to see each other before the wedding. I seriously doubt it; I think they just wanna prevent me from getting a huge hangover since the wedding's tomorrow.

By the way, Heero chose Trowa to be his best man. Somehow along the way, the two had forged a close friendship. Must have sprung from that one time T-man had to take care of Heero after that self-destruct stunt. You remember that, don't you? Well, they asked me to choose one too. So I was thinking that you'd do it, right? You havta, Solo! I don't mind having to pick up my ring for Heero from a floating platter... even if I'm gonna get majorly freaked out... So yeah... erm, I think I'll ask Wufei. Thanx for the offer, Solo.

I'm tired, so I think I'll go to sleep now. Good night, Solo!

29th August AC 195

Congratulate me, Solo! Heero and I got married today! Not legally, just a small affair with the rest of the guys. I did say that Quatre oversaw the whole thing for us, right? Extravagant was always his strong suit; he had decorated the whole place and flowers and our honeymoon suite with red silk. Luckily, we didn't find any handcuffs. Gee... and I thought he was supposed to be innocent. Apparently I'd completely misread him. Either that, or Trowa had a hand in changing him. Literally. ......I don't even want to think about it...

Quatre also arranged for a cuisine for all five of us, and I must say that he's got great taste. The food was delicious. I don't think I've ever eaten anything better than that. Hmm... I wonder if he'd mind if I stay at his estate for all of my vacations...

Anyway, Heero and I exchanged our vows in the garden and the guys are our witnesses. Even now, I still can't believe that I'm married. To Heero, no less! But I think Heero will make sure that I'll never regret my decision to marry him. And he assured me in his distinctive way, after we retreated to our suite for the night. Let's just say I've never had such a mind-blowing experience. Even our first time didn't come close to this! Heero was extra gentle with me, but his kisses packed more bite. I'm sure I'm all covered with his love bites. Guess I'll have to borrow a couple of Trowa's turtlenecks for the next few days or give Wufei a huge nosebleed. For all I know, maybe Quatre had put him in the room next to ours and he's already half-dead from blood loss. I guess not.

I'm happy now, Solo. With Heero, I'm sure I'll never be alone again.

3rd October AC 195

The war's over now. Wing suffered serious damages, but Heero managed to save the day. Now, he can't glare at me when I say that he's a hero. Hee hee. He's in hospital now, for his injuries. Luckily, there was nothing life threatening, and the doctor says that he can be discharged soon. I'm with him now, and he's sleeping after all that drugs they gave him.

The rest of the guys are all fine too. I think Trowa or Wufei has a minor concussion. I'm not too sure; my mind had pretty much blanked out after hearing about Heero's injuries. Me? I think I'm the only one who doesn't have to stay in hospital. Only some cuts and bruises. Sally says I'm lucky. Extremely lucky. Perks of being your buddy, Solo?

It feels strange that war's over now, after living in it for my whole life up until this point. But we've worked hard for the peace, so I want to enjoy it. With Heero, of course. Quatre offered us to stay with him and Trowa until we get a place of our own, and we agreed. The food. Oh joy...

I can finally start my life afresh with Heero, and I look forward to that.

4th October AC 195

Heero was awake for most of today, so we were just talking and talking and talking. I think I haven't talked so much for a long time... My jaws are too tired to even yawn.

He was telling me that during the final battle, he honestly thought that he was gonna die. Then... okay, the next part is really sappy and sweet, so I suggest you go make an appointment with a dentist first before I continue. It's really incredible, ya know, Solo? I mean, he's changed sooooo much I can't believe it. It's like there's a flood one day, and then the next day, you find that it's become a drought. Yeah, it's that big a change. Anyway, he told me that he really thought he was gonna die in the final battle, until my face popped up in his vid-screen. I quote, 'When I saw you, I knew I couldn't die and leave you behind and make you cry.' It's like saying he doesn't want me to be upset because of his death. So I guess that means that he'd rather I die before him, so he'll be the one to suffer the grief of losing a loved one instead of me? I don't know whether to feel extremely cherished or extremely angry.

I think he knew that that issue disturbed me, so he quickly changed the topic. He said that he wanted to find a really quiet place and settle down with me. We could focus on each other, and just live peacefully. Get a job with a salary enough to support us, and just lead a normal husband and wife life together. Then maybe we could adopt a child or two when we're older, and love them all we could.

Ya know, I think I like the sound of it. And when we move into our cozy little place, I can be polite and go greet our neighbours like Sister Helen always told me to be, and I'd say to them, "Hi! I'm Duo Maxwell-Yuy, and I'm gonna be your neighbour." Maybe I can wave my silver band at them too. Yeah, so I'm happy to be married. Sue me.

And if we ever have a child, I'm gonna name the girl 'Helen' after Sister Helen and the boy 'Solo' after you. Cool, huh? But honestly, I don't wanna adopt a child. I wanna have a child of our own. As in, one of us gets pregnant. Too bad we're both missing that vital organ, ne? Maybe we could go look for Professor J and ask him for help about this. He owes us one big favour for winning the war, yeah? I don't mind being the one getting pregnant, if that's what it takes. I want a child with our genes. Imagine a child with my hair and Heero's eyes. It'll look lovely. And I'll have so much fun bringing the child up in the proper environment and with a formal education. In fact, I think we can save up on tuition fees with us around. Our child will grow up to be a professional. I just know it. Anything but a soldier, though. I want my child to grow up without ever having to know what's it like to kill.

7th October AC 195

We barely missed that Relena chick in the hospital. She's been all caught up with her work the last couple of days to visit, and it seems that she cleared her schedule for Heero today. Luckily, for us that is, we managed to leave before her pink limo even came to a complete stop at the front porch. We left via the back door, by the way. It's all in the stealth lessons you gave me, Solo. Glad that I put it to use here, huh?

We're staying with Quatre now, but Heero told me just now that we'd get our own place soon. I think I'll like that, to have somewhere I can call my own. I've never had that before, and Heero knows it. So he had went online earlier to check out potential apartments, after asking me what would I like in a house. We'd be able to pay for it easily with all the funds we had scrapped off OZ during the war. I'm thinking of going into college and get a proper education. Heero just said that he'd go wherever I want to go. It comes as no surprise now, but I'm still secretly glad for that.

Heero has become an important part in my life, and I'd like to be around him for as long as I can. I guess I'll have to put off my plans of meeting you, eh?

25th October AC 195

Heero and I finally moved into our own apartment. It's nothing to brag about, but I like it. It's pretty big and spacey, and painfully obvious that we've got a lot to do if we wanna fill it up. There're 3 rooms, so one of them will become our bedroom, another to become the study room, and the last one to be a guestroom. We chose the biggest one for ourselves since it has a bathroom. The kitchen has the cupboards and cabinets all ready, and has room for a giant refrigerator to house all the food that I need. The living room is rather spacey too, so we can get a big TV screen. It'd be so cool to watch all my favourite programmes on a big screen!

But the best thing I like about the entire house is the floor. It's mostly carpeted, and I like the warm, fuzzy feeling it gives me. It'd be hell to clean up if I spill anything on it, though, so I had better be careful. Wouldn't want to ruin my own apartment.

Heh. I never thought I'd have my own place. It makes me feel more secure, and normal. In a few weeks time, I'll be studying in some nearby college with Heero, just like any normal kid. It'll be different from normal school days like in the past, though. This time it's for real. Every result I get will be recorded duly, and not cuz of Heero's infamous hacking skills. I'm not gonna run off after a week or two. I can have real friends and classmates, and I won't need to feel guilty about leaving my 'clique'. On the other hand, I can't flirt with the girls anymore. It's okay, since I have Heero. He's more than enough for me.

I like him so much.

11th November AC 195

Heero read my diary earlier. I had stuffed it under my pillow last night after I wrote it, cuz Heero was looking for me then. He found it this morning, while he was changing the bed sheets.

I was so afraid that he'd be angry with me, for lying to him that I love him when I didn't just to spite Relena. I nearly broke down before him in horror when he held my diary in my face and said that we needed to talk. To my surprise, however, he told me that he knew it back then. He knew that I didn't love him, that I had only wanted to provoke Relena. But he had been willing to take a chance with me, because he knew that it might be the only opportunity to be with me. His plan had been to love me as much as he could, and try to make me fall in love with him as well. Marriage was something done on the spur of moment, but he truly wanted to make the commitment. He had been ecstatic when I agreed.

For him, our kisses ignited a flame in him that he couldn't stop. My touch reached his soul, and he lived for them. He said that he had never had sex with me; he had only made love to me. Every time we made love, he'd feel like he was in heaven. And every morning when we woke up together, and our eyes met, he fell in love with me all over again. Loving me, had somehow, became his reason for his existence. His life revolved around me.

Hearing him say all that, I cried. Really cried. He just gathered me in his arms and carried me to the sofa, whispering soothing words in my ears, telling me with his heart that he loves me.

At that moment, I knew. I knew how I felt about him. Completely sure. Extremely certain.

I love him too.

I told him that. He just smiled, and said, "I know."

Our lives had just begun, and I can't wait for to live it. As long as Heero is by my side, I'll never be alone again.

I love him.

Truly love him.

 

Sorceress Fantasia @ 9th August 2002

Last revised 13th August 2002

[1] This is a real myth. Just telling you so you won't think that I made this up.