Golden by Agent Midnight

The moment I realized I felt more for him than a normal best friend should, I was graced with the experience of happiness and nature all rolled into one tight-knitted ball of yarn. My heart slammed against the front of my chest until I felt like laughing and crying at the same time, and my cheeks began to hurt as I smiled in his direction. From across the room, I could make out every curve and every mark on his beautiful face, and as I stayed there, I realized that I already knew those marks and those curves. Studying wasn't a necessary option at this moment in time, and I could have cared less what conclusions I may have reached except for one.

I was in love with him.

It wasn't some extraordinary reaction that swelled from the depths of my mind until I acknowledged them, and I'll be the first to admit it wasn't very exciting. The feeling I felt at that very moment was almost like I had experienced it every single day of my life and it was another normal behavior of mine, but it wasn't. It was almost a tickle, almost a shiver, almost a burning. It was cold and warm, imposing and secret, quiet and filled with soft laughter. For the first time in my life, I was filled with so much emotion I didn't exactly know how I was going to channel it away.

And him? None the wiser.

He was sitting curled up in an armchair at the opposite end of the room, his eyes glued to the ridiculous Saturday morning cartoons playing on the television in front of him. His feet were tucked underneath his gorgeous body, his hands splayed and extended on the arms of the chair, his loose hair falling across his shoulders to form a thick puddle of silk in his lap. Those lips were curved into a continuous, decisively nasty, grin as he watched the too-advanced, computer-generated crap that they call entertainment now.

A tall glass on cherry punch was sitting on the table off to his side, the ice in that cup drawing my attention for no more than a second as I got distracted by watching the drops of liquid fall to the uncovered surface of marble. I almost laughed out loud as I internally winced and actually considered telling him to use a damn coaster.

The remote was to the side of one of the table's legs, just sitting there in a sad state on misuse. He had kindly declined my offer to get it for him, saying he wasn't that lazy and he fully intended to get it himself, but he never did. When his second show started up, the cheesy theme song filtering from those small speakers to where I sat at the desk, he looked completely pissed off as he tilted his head and searched for the remote.

When he sighed and slumped back in the chair, that was his sure-fire sign of laziness.

His eyes ghosted in my direction and locked with mine for just a moment as he jerked his chin towards and floor and popped his smiling lips out into a pout. His hands clenched against the armchair's fabric as I shook my head and told him he said he didn't need my help. The few minutes that followed my comment, I inwardly laughed as I watched his sock-covered foot skim the floor's surface in search of the traitorous black object. Once again, he sighed and gave up to sing a commercial jingle as the show went to a break.

His foot went back under his body and he wrapped his arms across his torso pathetically until I gave in and tossed him the throw blanket on the back of my wooden chair. It smacked him in the face and landed completely over his head, but it got him laughing and snickering for about a minute as he situated himself to his liking.

He shifted, turned, twisted, laughed, cussed, and scoffed about fourteen times before he just spread the blanket across his lap and stretched his legs out to prop onto the low coffee table in front of him. A soft purring left his lips as he settled once again against the back of the chair, his head resting against soft padding. His eyes remained glued to the television, so he missed my smile completely.

The paperwork on the desk had been silently screaming at me in the total time I was studying him, and I regretfully turned from the view to get back to work. I don't quite remember how long we had been sitting silent in the emotionless noise created by the TV and the soft shuffling of my papers, but I do know that it was at least an hour before the content of his shows changed.

I had been sitting in the company of a comical cartoon robot for that length of time, and I eventually turned back towards him when I heard the cartoon-esque voices changed to human ones. Sure enough, the cartoon, CG-created robot was gone, replaced with some strange sitcom or the likes. I ignored that momentarily to see if he was even awake, and one glance showed that he was very much awake, but looking like dying might have been funner.

His arm was curved slightly to accustom his need for comfort. His elbow rested against the arm of the chair, his chin propped against his hand and distorted his features humorously as he seemed to suck the words in. My mouth opened and I almost told him that he could be out doing stuff on a fine Saturday, but I kindly let my jaw fall back in place as I remembered that he had wanted to do something with me, and only me.

"I can't today. Paperwork."

It had been hours, but I could still remember his look of quiet sadness as he stood in the doorway of the living room, dressed only in his pajama bottoms and black socks. His hair had been loose then, too, but I didn't pay as much attention to it as I had when he didn't know I was watching nothing but him. That sadness had left just as quickly as it had appeared and he bounced into the room and headed towards the entertainment unit.

"We can do something when you're done, right? I'll watch TV until you finish."

And at the time I had thought it was a wonderful idea. I had originally wanted to go out to a movie with him after we had gotten home the night before from work and realized that we hadn't really seen each other much in the past week. Sure, we had seen each other physically, but we hadn't even been able to sit down and talk over a decent meal.

On that past Thursday, we had surprisingly gotten out of work rather early and we headed to a bar to get a drink and maybe some relaxation. Halfway there, I fell asleep in the passenger side of the car and I had woken up in my bed, in my room, the same time I always wake up in the mornings. It took me just a second to realize that I wasn't alone and I almost feared that we had gone to the bar and I just didn't realize it. That wasn't the case. The second I opened my eyes and realized I wasn't alone, I turned my head to the opposite side of the bed and saw his sock-covered feet sticking out from the blankets and next to my head.

I had pinched his calf until he woke up and I finally laughed when a lump of blanket popped up by my feet and started to move. He shook the blanket off his head and peeked back at me with blurry eyes until I stopped laughing and he could go back to sleep. With my partner sleeping soundlessly by my shoes and the room encased in nothing but silence, I drifted back towards blackness and woke up three hours later by him bouncing onto me and pressing his fingers into my sides until I laughed.

I got distracted, though, didn't I?

He had been so full of hope and desperation that I had tried to finish my paperwork and found out that it was going to take longer than I intended. It wasn't helping matters any that I continued to turn in my chair and watch him at his most bored. It didn't help any that halfway through a sentence, I saw him and found out that I was in love. It was almost like realizing I forgot to turn the water off, and my shoes weren't by the door where they were supposed to be. It wasn't anything like I had expected, but that doesn't make it a bad thing.

Left the water on.

Burned the dinner.

Got mud on my shoes.

Fell in love.

Ran out of dog food.

I was confused.

All I know is that the second I turned around, it was much later than I expected and beautiful, golden sunlight was shining in through the blinds. Not bright, obnoxious daylight, but breath-stopping, golden sunlight. It's the color of a setting sun trying to make you notice it even when you're in the house, and I had never felt more excited or more guilty in my life. He was still curled up on the chair, his long arms folded and the chair and his face rested and relaxed against them. His long eyelashes were fluttering against part of his face, and his feet seemed almost wrapped around his pajamas. Strands of his long bangs were hanging over across his face, softly moving with the puffing of his breath.

The television dulled out to a low throb in the background, letting me give him all of my attention even though he was so obviously sleeping and had been for quite some time. The golden light washed over his bare torso, heating him enough so that he impatiently kicked off the throw blanket with a huff and curled back into the chair. It spread across his body and the armchair like a spotlight that was meant only for my awakening. I was, of course, awake and frustrated with my paperwork, but the second I saw him, everything broke and I knew that I didn't mind missing assignments if it would make him happy. I would have gladly dropped everything if I had seem him just like this years ago, but I hadn't, and I wish I had.

I watched him for what seemed like hours until the breath-taking hue of gold slowly started to fade and left him as he was before. My heart continued to pound against the inside of my chest, trying to force its way up my throat as I witnessed his own calm breathing and wishing I could match it. I brought my fingers up and ran them down the curve of my face in a weak attempt at seeing what it might feel like to touch him.

The computerized robot popped back into my mind and I began to think of it just to experience the humor and sheer amazement he gets in his eyes when he watches. What could he find so fascinating?

I wanted to run to the kitchen just to fix myself a bowl of ice cream and maybe realize what he sees in it as he dumps chocolate sauce all on top of it until it looks deadly. Why does he like it?

The video game system in the upstairs bedroom was calling to me to come and try it just so I could someday play him in 2-player games and join him in his entertainment.

I wanted to know why he found anime shows so damned entertaining, and why all his happiness flooded away to be replaced by seriousness as he turned on the news in the evenings. I wanted to know why he's worried that one day a robber will climb up the side of the house and enter one of our bedrooms, and I definitely wonder why his first weapon of choice if this ever happened would be my floor lamp sitting by the dresser.

I wanted to know why he found horror movies funny and scary at the same time, him leaving nail marks in my shoulder as we watch a terribly predictable situation occur over and over again. I wanted to experience the kind of escape he gets when he reads a fantasy book, his eyes glazing over until I can almost picture him running his fingers across the nose of a dragon that has somehow managed to become his friend.

I wanted to run his silk blanket across my cheek like I see him doing every day of every week and get that same silly smile on my face as our dog barks at the wind in the car.

And dare I say, I wanted to wake up and see his face rather than his socked feet.

I wanted to hold him, and kiss him, and wish him a happy birthday with something a little more personal than a Hallmark card and a CD. I wanted to be with him and have us share little winks with each other as we sit at our desks, flooded with paperwork and reports. Dammit, I wanted to touch him, brush his hair, lick the ice cream off his lips, press my fingers against his warm flesh, watch foolish reality television shows with him.

I wanted to smile at him and know he would just as easily smile at me, too.

I wanted to sit on our porch and laugh as he mows the lawn in nothing but a pair of shorts, his hair wrapped around his neck like a scarf to prevent accidents.

I wanted to curl up in the chair with him in my arms until the golden rays of beautiful sunlight flooded in through the blinds, this time the light spilling in to cover us both with its warmth.

The second I saw him when I turned from my work, I started to want things.

Started to wish for things.

Things that I've managed to accomplish with help from him.

I changed my mind.

Being in love isn't ordinary.

It's wonderful.