Worthless

Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing, or the song 'Worthless' by Dido. The only warnings I have this time around are angst, NCS (a mention of rape), and shonen-ai if you interpret an action that way. Um... the purpose of this fic is to see how much I could screw up Heero. Special thanks this time go out to Malaca and Cypher again for putting up with me and my bitching about writer's block and other fanfic writer's ailments, and Tigress and Emi C for giving me information about the girl with the dog. Enjoy!

Worthless

By: Cola the Sapphire Goddess

I tapped away at my laptop keyboard. There was nothing else for me to do. Most of it was random anyway. We were at the hospital. I had just saved Duo from Oz. Duo was ranting and raving about me again. I'm pretty sure he's gotten attached to me. Shouldn't do that. Loving Heero Yuy in any way, shape, or form will get you killed. I chuckled slightly, because Duo is always claiming that /he's/ the jinxed one. If only you knew Duo, if only you knew.

"Why wont you just tell me?! Don't you care about anything at all?" Duo sobbed. Sometimes he works himself up too much about these things. He shouldn't. It's bad for his health.

"I care about my mission."

Duo fell back onto his bed. "Is that it?!

"There has to be something! Relena, Zechs, hell, Dr. J?! Give me some sort of an answer!"

I switched off my laptop and sat down on my bed opposite him. "You really want an answer?" I said, trying to use one of those emotion things he keeps blabbering about. It's not that I don't know what they are, I just don't care enough to remember them.

Duo smiled a little at me with a hopeful gaze. Now was his big moment, I was going to reveal myself. Whoop-dee frickin' do. I hope you noticed the sarcasm there.

//I know what you came for and I know when you'll leave You came for my heart and it's lost to me For I won't stop you, I will open my door My heart is here waiting I don't need it no more//

"Caring doesn't get me anywhere. I've been murdering the people around me since I was a kid."

"You're being too harsh on yourself," Duo interjected. A small smile began to creep up my face. I stopped it though.

"No, I'm not. I killed my own parents." Something I'm rather not proud of. Duo looked intrigued. "Who were they?"

"Some rich people. I can't remember their names because I'm trying to forget. I was a well mannered kid, and everyone liked me because I was insanely wealthy. There was occasionally a cuteness factor, as there are with all kids, but for me it was more like, how cute was the money in my parents' wallet. I'm pretty sure, if things had continued the way they were, I would've met Quatre somewhere along the line, and probably Relena. But my parents died when I was very young."

Duo looked sympathetic. God, he's pitying me. that's all I need. "How?"

"I was running around outside in the yard when a mysterious old man showed up. Not Dr. J, but someone else. He showed me a box with a really pretty red button. At least that's how I thought of it when I was young. I had to press it. The curiosity was killing me, no pun intended. My mother told me not to do it, but I did anyway. What could a little button do? I was too frickin' naive to understand. My mother cried out in vain, and that was the last time I saw or heard her. Burnt to a crisp by little old me, along with my father, the servants I knew and loved, and my newborn baby sister. I also had gotten a puppy a few weeks before. It died too." I cringed. I hate dogs. Dogs symbolize bad things to come for me.

//I know why you're leaving and I'll just let it be I am left with nothing and now you're lost to me For I can't stop you, I will open my door My heart is here waiting I don't need it no more//

"I just sat there and stared. I stared blankly as my childhood memories burnt to dust. I stared as I heard my sister's screams. I stared as I watched my father die after somehow getting my sister out of the mansion. I stared as my sister cried herself to death. I just stared, painlessly and emotionlessly, until the fire had faded and there was silence. I couldn't believe it. Our house was out in the middle of nowhere. No firefighters or paramedics came. The man came back the next day, and decided to take me into his custody. I still don't understand why. I spent the whole night in that same spot. I was too scared to move. He had to drag me out of there."

Duo's look was priceless. He looked shocked, but in so much pain at the same time. Almost like, he knew what I felt. Yeah right. Fat chance.

"That man told me something that night that still affects me to this day. He's says I'm good at killing people. He was Odin Lowe, a professional assassin, so he'd be able to pick out that kind of thing I guess. It was from then on I started my training as a professional assassin, and I was dubbed 'Odin Lowe, Jr.' At least it was a name." I snorted. Those days would mark me for the rest of my life. I hate them. Yet I love them just the same. Odin was a good adopted father, given the circumstances. I'm still alive, aren't I?

"My life then isn't that different from how it is now. I was just a kid, blowing stuff up and killing people who needed to be killed. It was an interesting life for an ex-spoiled brat like me. Me and Odin made a great team. Of course, he ended up biting the dust too. Work got the better of him. I wasn't alone that long though. Dr. J stumbled upon me shortly afterwards. Ugh, I hated those days even more. Training was utter hell." I laid down on my bed and started at the ceiling, continuing to rack through my memory for any memory I could. Duo needed to hear everything! He needed a reason to regret ever knowing me. I took a quick glance at him. For once the baka was completely silent. He was waiting for me to continue.

//I know why you're waiting Give me time to breathe Before you take my heart now, and just get up and leave For I won't stop you I will open my door My heart is here waiting I don't need it no more//

"I don't know what your training was like, but mine I'm positive was to blow me up and shoot me down as hard as possible, and see how long I held up. Unfortunately, I'm seemed fit enough to survive it all. I wish I would've died back there. I would've saved myself a lot of fuckups. Some missions would go perfectly fine. Others, I would screw up a little, but just enough to get the shit beat out of me for it. They didn't care. They wanted their perfect soldier, and they got one. Odin Lowe, Jr. took a back seat, along with his emotions, and the twisted, psychotic little freak, otherwise known as Heero Yuy, was born. One mission though, I fucked up more than I had ever wanted to know." A tear slid down my face and I shifted uncomfortably. I'm not supposed to be crying! I'm not supposed to be sad! Damnit! Ugh. I hate feelings. They show up at inappropriate times.

Duo looked up at me with concern. "Are you okay Heero?"

I ignored him, and droned on like the machine I am. I clawed away at my tears like they were my enemies. In a sense they were. Unwelcome intruders that just seemed to keep pushing the issue. The little girl and her puppy woke up from the depths of my memory. Oh no, not again....

"Duo," I sobbed, "On this mission, I had to blow up a base. Nothing special. Unfortunately, it was near a town. Too near that town. That afternoon, I was relaxing after setting up the bombs. A little girl, about 4 or 5, walked up to me with her puppy."

Are you lost?

Yes. I always will be lost.

"She asked me in her sweetest little girl voice, 'Are you lost?' I told her I was lost since I was born. I took a quick look at her. Her eyes were the same color as my little sister's. A strange violet color, not unlike yours. She had a puppy just like mine too. I shook it off as nothing." I reached into my laptop case. I knew it was still in there. It had to be.

Sure enough, I pulled out a dead, wilted yellow flower. It was the symbol of the innocence I had lost that day. "She gave me this," I stammered. This was too hard for me to do. But I was the perfect soldier. I could do anything, right?

"Later that day, I blew up the base. As I was searching the wreckage, I found the dead puppy. It scared me. It brought back memories of when my house burnt down and when Odin took me with him to search the wreckage. The girl's dead puppy looked just like mine when I saw it. Burnt to death by an explosion caused by me. How ironic. I picked it up and took it to a nearby cliff. I wanted to give it a proper burial. I know it sounds stupid, but my memories had to be buried with it. Unfortunately, afterwards, they were upturned in their grave."

//For love makes a fool of me For love makes a clown of me Yes it does, Yes it does, Yes it does- Yes it does//

Duo looked at me, puzzled. "What do you mean by that, Heero?"

I took a deep breath. This was one of the worst memories of that incident. Those scars stung and showed the most. "I regretted that mission, and my training. I was so pissed off about it that it was showing. Dr. J didn't mind, he put off my training for a while. But Dekim Barton however, was pissed. He had me brought up to his office, where he berated me for letting my feelings come before my training. My feelings mean nothing! He said. The defeat of Oz and the Alliance is all that matters! He said. The only thing I was good for was ensuring victory for the colonies and killing people. He put me down for every mistake I made that he could think of, centering on the death of my family. The emotional abuse was traumatizing. He ordered Dr. J to turn me into an emotionless shell, because I wasn't the Perfect Soldier yet, and that's all he wanted of me. If I couldn't be the emotionless Perfect Soldier, I was pathetic and weak. He left me to his flunkies."

Those damned tears were coming down at full force. Traitors. I'd be killed for them one day.

"They used my traumatized state of mind to keep me down. They beat the shit out of me, tore my skin and clothes to shreds. And then...." I trailed off. I didn't want to remember....

Duo wiped my tears away with his hand gently, and captured me in a tight embrace. It was almost if he was worried. Was he pitying me? I do not need pity. Pity makes me weak. Ugh.

"What did they do Heero?"

"They raped me." I stifled out. My ass hurt just thinking about it.

He stared at me in disbelief, but it seemed as if he was expecting it. Why? The Perfect Soldier wasn't always that way. It took him a bunch a heartless idiots to finally snap into shape.

"They shoved anything they could into me. It hurt like hell. I was hoping I would bleed to death, but knowing my luck, I knew it wouldn't happen that way. They got off on it, and they laughed at me for being so pathetic. After a lot of being thrashed around, I came close enough to the remains of my shorts that I found my gun. I always had a gun with me, my training told me to be prepared for anything. The damn thing was bloody too. Apparently it had been one of the myriad of things that got shoved up my ass. I didn't care, I was armed and dangerous now. With a malicious grin on my face, I stood up. It was a struggle to stay that way, but I held firm. My blood was dripping all over the place, but I didn't care. With a triumphant 'Omae-tachi o korosu' I shot them all. I was given great joy by seeing them die, and I suppose that Odin Lowe, Jr. had died with them."

//You know it's worthless, as worthless can be//

"Dr. J helped me recover with his strange concoctions. He's a kook, but he's also a really nice guy. From that day forth, however, I could not feel anymore. I was that Perfect Soldier that Dekim had wanted me to be. Missions rarely failed, because I had no desire to go through that again. That's when the suicide attmepts started. I did not want to be that soldier. I couldn't do anything though. I coldn't die, And then Operation Meteor had gone underway. That didn't go without it's fuckups either. I killed off the Alliance's pacifists and continued the war. And because of that, Oz tricked us and nearly destroyed the colonies. If Oz hadn't succeeded in defeating the Alliance, that wouldn't have happened."

Duo slapped me. "Shut up!! That isn't true. Wufei was the only one of us that waited long enough to figure out what Oz was doing. The rest of us, including you, charged in like we would any mission. I could've been any one of us. Oz set this up so we /would/ do that. It was inevitable. As for the incident where Oz used the colonies to stop us, none of us could've prevented that one. You're wrong about failing that one. You scared them so much after that one, they never did it again. The idea of a teenager like you sacrificing yourself for the safety of others was astounding. Our missions had stopped at that point, but your sacrifice breathed new life and responsibility into the rest of us. When the colonies finally find out what happened, you'll be a hero in their eyes, no pun intended."

I sighed. I wasn't expecting that answer. I didn't want that answer.

Kuso. Duo slaps pretty damn hard. My face hurts.

"Anything else you want to tell me?" Duo said, smiling at me. I feel like he's teasing me.

"That's about it." I sigh. All this emotion is making me tired. I can't help but fall asleep in his arms. I'm so.... pathetic.... ZzZzZzZz....

//For love makes a fool of me//

Heero's asleep. Good. He needs some rest. I can't believe some of the things he just said to me.

A young nurse walked into the room. "Feeling alright sir?" She says as she hands me some medicine. She sets down a tray with various medical equipment on it. And a little yellow flower on it to. Dunno what that's for.

"Yes ma'am." I reply, tossing my braid to one side.

"That's good. What about the other young man?" A small puppy trots up and sits down next to her. He barks at me quietly. I didn't know dogs were allowed in hospitals. The girl doesn't /look/ blind, and the dog isn't on a leash. Who knows?

"He's had a tough day. We should let him rest." "Duo?" she asks me, staring at me with deep violet eyes. How did she know my name? We were using code names!

"W-what?" I stammer.

"Take care of oniichan, would you please? Thank you!" She said. The puppy yipped in response. Heero didn't move.

The nurse and the puppy disappeared. Just faded away! Poof be gone! As it finally hit me what had just happened, I felt my eyes roll back and.... dizzy.... ugh.....

The End