Cola: And you'll notice this one is VERY different from 10,000 Promises. This one's REALLY silly.... and stupid... but who cares? I don't think I've ever written a fic this fast in my life. **********************************************************************

Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing. I never will. You wont get any money from me! Anyways, yaoi and OOC-ness abound. Don't take any of this seriously, got it? C+C welcome! Enjoy!

A Really Pathetic Fairy Tale

By: Cola the Sapphire Goddess

Once upon a time there lived a pretty, pretty princess in a pretty-

*SMACK!*

Much better. This tale isn't /that/ pathetic.

Anyways, there was once a young prince named Quatre. If you looked at him the right way, he /could/ be a pretty, pretty princess in a pretty-

Ok, I'll stop! Don't look at me like that! I was just kidding! PUT DOWN THE CHAIR! If you don't I'll use Ash Ketchum on you!

Thank you. Now as I was saying, this prince was often mistaken for a princess. That was only one of his problems. He had trouble getting a wife because the clique chicks didn't want to be like, lesbians or whatever, so like, as if! Not only that, Quatre liked guys. He had the hots for this one guy Trowa. That would lead us to our next problem....

In his castle, there lived him, his 29 sisters, his grouchy ass father, and three other guys. Trowa, Duo and Wufei. Quatre put a lot of hard work into seducing Trowa, but his father 'adopted' Wufei into their family. Wufei was a foreign exchange pimp daddy. Quatre's father was in need of extra money.

^.^;; Stop looking at me like that. I'm just the narrator.

Wufei, a master of seduction, quickly had Trowa wrapped around his finger tips. There was mutual attraction between the two of them, and Quatre was left out. However, Quatre had a weapon of his own. You see, when he was born, he was visited by the magic Sally Po fairy, and given a magic scepter. It didn't work much though, so Quatre just carried it around to defend against his sisters' mallets.

Quatre focused his power to create something that would win his Trowa back. He messed up and got Duo instead.

WAIT!! Put the chair down! Please!! I didn't mean that in a bad way!! Ash Ketchum!! Whew... Duo fans...oi.... AH!!!! I didn't mean it! GOMEN!!!! EEP!!!

"Ack!!" Ash Ketchum is suddenly pulled out of nowhere.

Back!! Back I say!

"Pikachu! Help!" Ash screamed.

Ack!!!! This is getting me no where!!

"Hello?" Quatre whined, "I thought this was supposed to be about me!"

Hold on a sec! I'm fending off rabid Duo fans that are trying to kill me.

"You're a goddess remember!" Quatre yelled.

Oh yeah, right. Heh heh....

"Can I go back home now?" Ash asked.

Sure. Sorry.

Ash Ketchum was returned to his Pokeworld. There was much rejoicing.

*We now return to our regularly scheduled pathetic fairy tale.*

Duo was lovable, sweet, caring, and he liked to bother Quatre as much as he could. On the other hand, he turned the tables on Wufei and seduced him! Muwha! Of course, seeing as Trowa was now Wufei's loyal slave, he was seduced as well.

Quatre sighed, sitting on his throne. "I swear, nowadays all Wufei and Duo do is try to see who can suck off the other's face first. And Trowa waits and begs for his turn like a dog."

I see...

"And those sounds I hear every night- I don't wanna even get into that."

Neither do I. Poor Quatre never had anything to do. Duo, Trowa, and Wufei would usually get to all the fun stuff first. Or they would bully him out of it.

Quatre pouted. "I never got to beat Star Ocean: The Second Story."

*gasp* Oh my poor dear young man!! I'm so sorry!! I'll give you a citrusy scene later, okay?

Quatre grinned and thought, ~It always helps to know exactly how to suck up to the narrator.~

I heard that.

Quatre blushed. "Eh heh... heh heh.. Continue."

There was even a time where Duo told Quatre to spin around in circles, then yell, "Rainbow Moon Heartache" and hold his scepter up in the air. Quatre never quite understood what the point of that was. It never worked for him anyway. Apparently Quatre does not watch Sailor Moon.

"I never get to watch TV here." Quatre replied.

Lucky. At least you got to miss out on that pathetic excuse for a dub.

"I'll take your word for it."

One day, Quatre was birdwatching. He knew birdwatching was pointless, but because he had nothing else better to do, he lived with it.

"Yay! Now I get to control things!" Quatre cheered.

Just get on with the story.

"Okay then." Quatre sighed. "This is so boring. I wish I had a life."

It was then that Quatre spotted a young man taking a swim in the pond. This pond was private property, but he went swimming without a care! Skinny dipping no less. It was also then that Quatre discovered he had voyeuristic tendencies.

Quatre glared at the narrator.

Okay fine, I'll try and be serious.

"You better."

This guy looked about Quatre's age, and he was gorgeous. He was skinny, but he had well-defined muscles. He owned a perfectly shaped ass. He also had a set of washboard abs that could turn a straight guy on.

Heero looked at the narrator.

WHAT?!?!

"Don't you think that's going a bit overboard?" Heero said.

No.

"Omae o korosu."

Fine! I'll say something else! What is it with you people anyways?! Sheesh. Can't even do a decent narrating job.

"Get on with the damn thing!" Heero and Quatre yelled.

One more outburst and I'm bringing Ash back with Gary and turning this into a Shishi! Or perhaps I'll make them join you two!

Heero and Quatre fell silent. The narrator grinned.

That's much bettter!

The boy Quatre was watching, whose identity has now been revealed due to uncontrollable circumstances, had a set of abs like a washboard.

That was pathetic. I liked the other description better. But I'll continue.

Heero had beautiful dark brown hair, and Quatre could just barely point out with his binoculars his beautiful Prussian blue eyes. Quatre was *incredibly* aroused by this guy, especially with Heero's-

Ya know what, I don't want to even try to get into that. It's just.... never mind.

After Quatre's little peep show was over and Heero was clothed again, he put down the binoculars with sorrow. He hoped it wouldn't be a one-time shot, but sighed as it probably would be. He had to see Heero again! Of course, with a view like that, who wouldn't?! Then Quatre remembered his scepter.

"Oh please work!" He whispered, grasping it tightly. "I want to see that mysterious boy every day from now on!" There was a *POOF!* and the scene changed to a few weeks later.

Quatre grinned. It was once again time for Heero to take a swim in the nearby pond. He sat a the window with his bimoculars, like he had every day for the past few weeks. Little did he know about the shadow sneaking up be-

"Hey Quatre!" Duo laughed. He shook the blond prince violently, scaring the shit out of the frail-

"Wahtcha doin'?!" Duo asked, snatching the binoculars away from the prince.

Would you mind waiting until I'm done describing what's going on?!

Duo grinned, "No!"

The narrator nodded, as if giving Quatre permission to do something. Quatre took his scepter and thwapped Duo upside the head. He snatched his binoculars back triumphantly and turned to watch his beloved Heero.

Unfortunately, Quatre hadn't thwapped Duo hard enough, so Duo wasn't out for the count. Duo crept behind Quatre and gazed upon the magnificent vision that Quatre cherished so much.

Duo knew Quatre loved Heero because Quatre's screams of pleasure at might could rival his own. Duo snuck away and plotted to let Wufei at him. He grinned to himself. He so loved pestering Quatre! Besides, that guy was hot!

A little while later, Quatre saw some guards sneaking up on Heero. He gasped. He knew this was Duo's doing. He was about to say something when Heero turned around and beat the crap out of the guards. Quatre smiled, and finally made his presence clear by clapping and cheering Heero on. Of course, Heero got distracted by Quatre, and got captured.

"That's absolutely impossible!" Heero growled.

"Heero can't get caught by a pathetic bunch of guards!"

Shut up. It's moving the plot along.

''Fine!" They said simultaneously.

Quatre rushed downstairs to the jail as fast as he could. He had to get there before Duo, Trowa, or Wufei did. Luckily, Duo had decided to go get Wufei, just because he wanted Wufei to be there. Quatre sighed with relief when he noticed none of them were there. He ran up to the head guard.

"May I see that young man you just brought in from the pond?!" He panted. The castle had a LOT of stairs.

"I'm sorry sir, but he is going to be put in the custody of Duo."

Quatre's eyes flared yellow. "Excuse me?! I'm the fucking prince damnit! I'm better than Duo, so what I say goes, alright?!" Quatre almost pulled out a beam cannon, but luckly the head guard was smart enough to agree to Zero System Quatre's demands.

"Alright sir. He's in your custody. Alfonzo! Bring out the cute one!"

Quatre blinked. His eyes were now sapphire blue again. "Alfonzo?! What the hell kind of guard name is Alfonzo?!"

How the hell would I know? I don't feel like thinking up a guard name. Deal with it, or Duo will magically appear and this will be a 2x1.

Quatre silently waited for Heero to arrive. When Heero arrived with the guard, everyone gasped at the fact that they hadn't had the decency to to give him any clothes.

GASP NOW.

Of course, Quatre stood up straight and proud when Heero showed up naked.

"He's slouching." Heero stated blatantly.

Look down.

"Oh. Never mind."

Quatre blushed.

"Follow me," Quatre said, "I have a lot to tell you."

"Could you first give me some pants? This is kind of embarrasing." Heero blushed now.

Quatre held up his magic scepter. "Can I have some pants?" he asked it. Nothing happened.

"Damn piece of shit scepter!" Quatre smacked it against a wall. A dress appeared.

Heero sweatdropped. "I guess this will have to do." He slipped the dress on. It was pretty and green and sparkly and-

"Shut up." Heero snarled.

Fine. I'm trying to have fun with this.

Quatre and Heero sweatdropped.

"Anyways Heero, I have to admit, I've watched you every day for the past few weeks. I hope you don't mind. But, I think..... I've fallen... in love...." Quatre gave Heero a deep, passionate kiss. For a while they sat there, making out in the middle of the hallway. Then some baka whistled and ruined the moment. Er, wait, that was Duo. Never mind. I don't want to start that arguement again.

"Lookie what the Cat dragged in!" Duo teased.

"I must say you've made quite a catch young prince," Wufei added, and then kissed Duo for the hell of it.

"..........."

Everyone stared at Trowa, eyes wide. He shook his head.

"Hentais." Trowa stated.

*We now pause so that everyone can relax. We know Trowa actually saying something causes various health problems because of the shock. We now continue.*

Quatre gripped Heero's hand tightly. He didn't want to know what Duo and Wufei had planned. Heero glared at the three newcomers, and attempted to reach into his spandex for a gun. Of course, his spandex wasn't there, and neither was the gun. Instead he pulled out.... Ash Ketchum.

Ash hit the floor with a thud. "Hey why don't you all watch it!! What is going on here anyways?! Why do I keep getting pulled out of my world?!"

Because you're scary. This is a horror flick.

"Is Misty in it?"

You really are dense aren't you?

"What's that supposed to mean?!" He got up and shook his fist at the narrator.

"EEP!! It moved!!" Duo shrieked and jumped onto Wufei's back. "Get it away from me!"

Ash was mad. "I'm not an it! I'm a person just like you!"

Duo whimpered. That scratchy voice was petrifying.

Quatre eyed his scepter wearily. He thought for a moment, and then grinned. "Duo, ya want me to get rid of him?"

"YES!" Duo squeaked.

"But first... You have to promise me you'll leave Heero alone! Heero is mine! Not yours! Got that?!"

"Yes Quatre. I understand. Just get rid of it!"

"Stop calling me an it!" Ash yelled. He was getting mad, and was going to attack Duo the next time he made an 'it' comment.

Quatre pulled out his magic scepter and held it in front of him. "Please work!" he yelled. Ash looked at him funny, and the others hoped it would work this time.

*POOF!*

There was a lot of smoke. And a lot of coughing. When the smoke started clearing, Ash looked considerably older, like around 18. Duo sighed. He knew it wouldn't work. Damn scepter never did. But then, the smoke completely cleared away and there stood an auburn-haired man. Around 18, just like Ash. He was kinda cute, they all had to admit, okay, REALLY cute. He then spoke.

"Are ya just gonna sit there and stare Ashie-boy?"

Ash grinned. "GARY!!!" He ran up to Gary and jumped into his arms. "I missed you!"

There was a collective blinking.

"Thank you Mr. Blond-haired guy! I wanted to see Gary so much!"

"The name's Quatre. And you're welcome."

Gary looked at Ash, "And now we're legal!" Gary and Ash grinned, and they dashed out of the room, laughing maniacally.

There was another collective blinking.

Duo jumped off of Wufei. "Thank you so much Quatre! You got rid of it! I'm sorry for bugging you so much." he hugged Quatre and slipped something into the prince's pocket.

"What's that?" Quatre whispered to Duo.

"Lubricant. You're gonna need it!" Duo winked.

"Thanks!" Quatre kissed Duo on the cheek, and they separated. Quatre turned to Heero and grinned.

"Come on Hee-chan, let's go. We've got lots of work to do."

Heero grinned. Well, for him it was a grin.

That night, Wufei's room was not the loudest, despite the fact there were three people in there. Quatre's room, now a room for two, was bustling with the sounds of first time lovers getting in on.

And everyone lived happily ever after. The End.

"Hey!" Quatre yelled, "You promised me citrus!"

The narrator threw an orange into his bedroom. That's for another time, buddy-boy! Muwhahahahaha!!!!!

There was a collective damnit.