It's not like I wasn't expecting this. I mean, things never work out for me- it isn't allowed, and I was an idiot to think that it could, period. So it's my own fault, all of it. It's my fault he hates me, and it's my fault that I've lost the only best friend I've allowed myself to have... since Solo.

I thought he was different, though! He was so strong, so sure of his purpose, and so driven! He wasn't going to let anything, even me, get in the way of what he had to do, and that, or so I thought, was the sign that he would be the One. He would finally be able to break my bad luck and make me feel whole.

Instead, he's off somewhere with her... and I'm talking to a tree, when I should be celebrating the end of the war with the others. Hell, even Quatre's there, despite that wound he got from Dorothy. And with Trowa hovering over his shoulder... why shouldn't he be there, enjoying himself? He has everything he has ever wanted and everything I crave, but can never have. I love Quatre and Trowa like the brothers I never had, but I can't help being jealous of what they've found together.

I can't help wishing I could know what it really feels like, even for a second.

Hilde was great. I know she likes me like *that,* and I feel bad about it, but I don't know how to tell her. I just... Funny, isn't it? I can talk for hours on end, but now that I need to say something and make it count, I'm tongue-tied! But really- she's smart and pretty and a hell of a good pilot. I tried. I tried to think of her like she thinks of me, but it just doesn't work. There's only one person I want like that, and he's made it perfectly clear that he doesn't want a thing to do with me.

It seemed like there was something there, though. I was the only one he ever really talked to, the one he chose to room with, despite how terrible I know I must be to live with, the one he came after, when I was caught and unable to escape on my own... Even if he did come to kill me, why couldn't he? Why did he let me live and risk his neck to help me, if I was such a liability? If I was such an utter and complete idiot that I got myself caught and beat up in the first place?

But he spared her life, too. I've lost count of the number of times he's said he's going to kill her, only not to do it. He's had her in his target sights so many times... That must mean more, I guess, than anything that might have happened between us.

Then again, I don't even know if he likes boys. We never talked about that- sexuality was just not a prime topic when we were being shot at, and he was never one for small talk in between missions. It would be terribly funny- I finally meet the one I want, and he's straight!

And now he won't even talk to me...

It hurt. It hurt real bad, to see his blank stare. He could have said *something,* even just "Shut up," or whatever. He could have given a sign- at least told me that he was my friend, but nothing more. But he didn't- he didn't react *at all.* It was as though he couldn't have cared less that I was putting my heart out there, for better or for worse.

I wonder if he ever listened to my talking. Because if he had, he would have known how hard that was for me! He would have been aware of the immense amount of power he had over me, and he would have used it properly. Even if he said, "No," he would have done it right because he would have understood. And maybe even cared, a little.

God- how could I be so stupid? Who am *I* to think I even deserved his friendship? He just saved the Earth from total annihilation, he's a hero, in every sense of the word, he nearly got himself killed doing it... He's truly something else- he deserves all the praise and attention he's trying to avoid. He deserves the fairy tale ending- riding off into the sunset with his princess, getting a normal life and learning how to live it, learning to smile and relax...

If there's anything he deserves, it's not some short, skinny ex-thief from L2. It's not the nobody that is me. He deserves the world, and I suppose she will give it to him.

And I'll go back to L2. Alone.

I hate being alone- I hate silence. I hate knowing that no one gives a damn what happens to me. Sure, maybe Quat and Trowa would care, maybe even Wufei, though I don't know about him. But that's not what I mean. I've had this dream, ever since I was a little kid- I dreamed that there was this person who really cared about me, who wanted to make sure I was safe and warm, who felt good because he (or she) made me smile, who would hold me when I needed it, who would let me do all of the above for him... I guess I wanted to make a difference in someone's life. I wanted someone to know I existed, and feel as though their world was a better place because of it. Solo, Father Maxwell, Sister Helen- they cared about me. I think they loved me- I certainly loved them. The friend way. And I even lost that. I always lose that.

It gives you that feeling as though you could die in the next second, and no one would know or care.

So with him... I don't know why, but I allowed myself to hope. I let myself love him, first as a friend, and now as so much more. I would gladly make a fool of myself (and yes- I'm aware of how ridiculous I can be,) if it would make him smile or laugh. I would have done almost anything to be certain he would survive that last battle- it almost killed me to see him diving in front of that section of the Libra, taking that shot and then struggling so hard to pull out of that dive... My death would have had meaning if it had ensured that he survived.

That's how much I love Heero Yuy. Even though he's off with her, I still love him that much.

It's really dark out here. Kinda nice. A good place to put this at rest. She can give him so much more than I'll ever be able to give- and she's not a bad person. She's just... she's young, and she hasn't been through what we've been through, so she hasn't grown up as quick as we did. She'll get there, and I'm sure she'll be exactly the type of person everyone wants in their life. If it will make him happy, he never will have to see me again.

He's so much more than I'll ever be. He's really special, even if he doesn't know it yet. I know- the whole world knows, and I'm sure the world will take care of him for me, when I'm long gone.

I don't want to be alone, you see. It was okay when I didn't know that there was someone out there for me, but now I found the one I wanted, and he doesn't want me. He wants her. He made his decision when he couldn't even bring himself to talk to someone as low and disgusting as myself.

Even so, it feels like a joke. I'm out here in the dark, after surviving so much, with a loaded gun in my hand. I've never allowed myself to show how frightened I was by what was going on. Never in front of anyone-I'd break down in private, later on, when no one could see how despicable I was, but even then, I would never shake or tremble. My gun hand is trembling now, shaking so bad that I can barely hold my pistol, let alone turn it towards myself and pull the trigger...

Just great! Let's add yet another thing to the list of reasons why he should choose her over me- I'm a damned coward!

All it takes is a moment, and it will all be over. I've done my part- I did what I said I would do, but no one wants me here now, not anymore. I just hope the guys will remember me a little, remember that I tried and I cared. Remember that I was here and I actually did something with my life.

"Duo! No- don't you dare do it!" My eyes fly open in shock as a voice calls to me and something knocks into me- the gun is knocked from my hand, and my head pivots around...

*He* is there, and he's glaring at me for all he's worth. He stalks closer, and I brace myself for the slap or the punch I'm sure is coming-

You can imagine my shock when I'm pulled into a rough hug, his face buried in my shoulder. I can feel him trembling against me- is something wrong? Did something happen to Relena?

He pulls back away from me, though, and I see the anger in his eyes. "How dare you? Your life is not yours to throw away!"

I feel my own anger rising from a pit in my stomach, and I shove back at him roughly. "Oh, come on! It's over, Heero! They don't control us anymore! We don't have to fight- we can let it go! I've done everything I had to do..."

He grabs hold of my shoulders and shakes me roughly to shut me up. "Idiot!" he hisses at me, his eyes flashing with fire. "You're the one who told me about living after the War- why do I have to do it if you're not going to?"

I meet his eyes calmly. "Because you have a future, Heero. You're a great person that everyone will one day look up to. You have lots of people who care about you, who love you."

"And you don't."

"No." Okay- so it's not my greatest of speeches, so sue me.

His eyes soften as his grip loosens to something a bit less painful. "You told me that you love me, and you asked how I felt."

I can't take this- if he keeps this up, I'm gonna bust out crying! "And you didn't say a God-damned thing. I got my answer, and I don't hold it against you if you don't want a thing to do with me. You've got Relena, after all..."

"I don't want Relena, Duo. I want you."

That shuts me up. Are my ears deceiving me? Is it possible that I really just heard *him* say that?! Is he toying with me, worthless thing that I am? "You don't have to say that, Heero. I know perfectly well how dumb I am..."

His hands tighten again, and I can't help wincing at his grip. "You're not stupid. And you're not worthless. You mean a lot to me- to the others. We would miss you."

"Right. Whenever you thought back to the War and wondered whatever became of that stupid street rat you once were forced to work with, who was dumb enough to think you might..." I couldn't finish saying it, I was too choked up. And the last thing I wanted to do was to burst into tears in front of him. Talk about weak!

His eyes are wide in shock, but he pulls me closer against his chest. "Duo... I... if you died, it would kill me. Do you understand what I mean?"

"Heero..." He can’t possibly mean it- he’s just saying that to keep me from pulling the trigger… Well, it’s not going to work! “Don’t you dare deceive me! You know, even if you didn’t love me, you could have said something! Anything! But you just stared at me-what am I supposed to think? Do you have any idea how difficult it was to say that? How scared I was? Well, I’m sick of it! For once, I just wish that *once* I could be important enough to someone that they’d let me know it! That I wasn’t so fucking alone out here…”

“You are important…”

“Yeah- I *was* important… as a pilot. Now I’m back to being nobody, and I don’t like it.” I wipe at my face- if it wasn’t bad enough that I was yelling at him, I was crying, too. If things got any worse, that Quinze guy would come out of the trees in a big Taurus and stamp on me.

Heero pulls me back again, his arms locking like steel around me. “You aren’t nobody, Duo. You are a Gundam pilot, and my friend. You said you love me- that means something.”

I can’t fight it anymore- I collapse against his shoulder and submit to it as he strokes one hand along my back soothingly, toying with my braid as I stand, mute, in the arms of the boy I love. I suppose this is a good last memory to take with me…

“It means something because I love you, too.” His soft whisper barely reaches my ears, but it sends shivers all through me. I feel a dampness on my forehead, where he is leaning his cheek, and my eyes widen in amazement- he is crying… over me! He continues, “I was dumb enough to let you run like that… and then I almost lost you. Oh God!”

His arms tighten around me again, and I literally stop breathing as I hear him let out a low wailing sound-Heero’s face is buried in my hair, and he’s sobbing as though there’s no tomorrow. Automatically, my arms tighten around him, as well, one hand straying up into his beautifully messy, silky hair and holding him against me.

He eventually calms down enough to speak to me again. “I’m not good at this- I didn’t know how to respond, and then you looked so hurt and lost… But seeing you… with that gun…” He pulls back enough to stare me in the eyes. “You were going to do it.”

I feel my heart fluttering at the heat of those cold eyes- they are really burning, and I know it’s because of me… “I’m nothing but a street kid, Heero. I don’t know how to do anything but steal and be a soldier. I don’t have any money, I don’t have a home, I don’t have a thing in this world that’s mine apart form the crap I cart around in that stinky little bag… Ugly, smelly little Duo. You deserve better, a million times better.”

Tears pool in his bright eyes and spill down his cheeks as I speak, and I wipe them away absently as he stares down at me, and finally says, “We’re the same, Duo. I’m just a soldier- no home, no family to go to, even less crap than you have… You don’t smell, Duo, and you’re beautiful. Do you get that?”

“I’m not beautiful…”

He puts a finger over my lips. “I don’t want to hear it. *I* say you are, and I am right. And you say *I* have issues to deal with!” He doesn’t give me even a second to retaliate- in a flash, his lips are on mine.

Heero is kissing me! Jesus- I feel as though the world has stopped spinning, and I’m no longer in a cold, dark garden, but on a tropical beach, in bright sunshine. His kiss thrills me like a shooting star-his lips are warm and soft, his tongue gliding into my mouth with a feeling of pure, unadulterated heaven, gliding against mine and teasing me until the only thing holding me up are his arms around me.

He pulls back, and I force my eyes to open- his cheeks are flushed, his eyes brighter than I’ve ever seen them, and he is breathing heavily as our eyes lock. “I love you so much,” I whisper, my arms tightening around him, as though to keep him from escaping me.

Heero smiles- did I ever mention that he looks like an Angel when he smiles? All the dark, sullen look of him disappears, and you can see the person he was meant to be, actually still alive inside of him. “I don’t have a clue what I’m doing, Duo, but I want to do it with you. Will you stay with me?”

I can’t help smiling back- there is nothing on Earth or in Heaven that I could possibly want more than to hear those words! “For as long as you want me here, Heero. I promise.”

He laughs then, and I feel his arms tight around me before he pulls me in for another deep kiss, the kind that makes that tingle rush down your spine and warms every cell in your body until you feel like you should be glowing.

His right arm remains tight around my waist as we pull back and share a smile- my head is reeling. It’s been too much for one day! First thinking that he was rejecting me and wanting nothing more than to die, and now this…

Heero presses a gentle kiss to my hair. “Let’s go inside, okay?”

“Okay.” I stop and try to pick up my gun-

He stops me. “You don’t need that anymore. Don’t.” To punctuate it, he pulls his own gun from the waistband of his jeans and empties the clip before tossing it over near mine.

I smile up at him and kiss him again. “That’s fine with me.”

owari