Could this Be Love?

This is a yaoi fic between Quatre and Trowa. Yes, I know its almost as common as Heero and Duo fics, which are certainly my favorites. I just had this in my head for ever and it was driving me insane. So I wrote it for ya'll to read. The song is Could this be love by Jennifer Lopez.

/If you only knew
What I've been going through/

(Quatre)

I don't know who I am anymore. Everytime I look in your direction it is as if I'm losing myself in those jungle green eyes of yours. I glance to you often and touch you as much as you'd allow, but you don't seem to notice, don't seem to care.

I giggle softly to myself. Why should you? Why would you love something like me? My innocence, I snort, is a lie. So much blood on my hands. It stains my every movement, tugging me down into its crimson depths. And yet you continue on, oblivious to my pain, my sorrow. I suppose its better this way, my mask still firmly in place.

Who am I kidding? My mask. I snort again. Its no longer a mask in which I hide behind, it is me. My innocence may have been lost long ago, but its remains are forever pressed into me. This too weighs down my body. One more lie, one more death. This time it is me dying, oh Allah, I wish I would die.

I wish the earth would cover me up and that I'd be free of this weight. This love is to much to bear. Yes, I could call it an obsession, but then I'd be fooling myself. I know for sure it is love. But yet I wish to go. I wish to have none of my tainting soul near his. I wish I could kill myself, Allah knows I've tried. The deep cuts in my wrists now are evident. It isn't like it matters, nobody cares anyway.

Heero notices, but doesn't care if it doesn't block my missions. Good old Heero, still expecting to get called out after the war and scare are over. This doesn't matter, he has Duo now. Who would have thought the two of them becoming a couple. I giggle to this as well.

Wufei, well there isn't much to say about him. Love has yet to hit him. Too shy of girls, and not intent enough on boys. I suppose this is good as well. At least it is safe to say at least one of us is straight.

Duo, now Duo was a subject that could expan the globe and beyond. Everyone wants to be around him, he never had trouble getting attention. Heck, even the "perfect solider" found comfort with the braided boy. Yes, they are my friends. But so naive at times.

Trowa, my dear Trowa. Not perfect, but who is? He stays where he wants to be, and for how long will he stay with me? Not long, I assure you. He left already this morning for Catherine and the circus. It's better this way. He wouldn't be around when I ended it all. This was definitely a good thing. Then why did it feel like my heart was splitting in two?

/Waiting and wanting you
Could this be love/

(Trowa)

I had to leave him. I couldn't bare to see that innocence any longer. I couldn't be there when he asked me why? Why had I hid my past from him. The truth is, I didn't want to mar his perfection.

No, I don't consider him perfect no more than he considers me that way. I just can't let go; I can't be who he wants me to be. For him I would leave. For him I would give up my soul so he could be in peace. For him, I'd give up everything to just see him one last time.

But this wouldn't happen, I wouldn't let it happen. I won't let him become tainted with what my life has poisoned. I never will put anyone up to this torture. Catherine was different, I didn't doubt her abilities. But I wasn't close to her like him. I didn't feel like my life should be in her hands, and that hers should be in mine.

I'm being unfair to myself, but that has never stopped me before. I won't let the angel fall

/How, tell me how will I know
Will my heart make believe its so/

(Quatre)

I pad softly towards the room where my life will end. I suppose its ironic that I die with so little honor or regard for little else besides myself. Who would think that a Gundam pilot would do suicide? I waited for this for a long time, Allah only knows I have. I even waited two weeks after he left to assure he wouldn't come back. Part of me wished he would to save me.

Who was I kidding? There would never be a prince charming to save me. Most consider the prince to have golden hair and a heart full of justice. Mine doesn't. He has spiky brown hair and punishes himself for things that aren't his fault. In some ways the roles are reversed. I giggle once more contemplating my sanity.

The puzzling goes unanswered. I already know that my sanity has long since passed. Wufei passes me on the way to my quarters. His look is strange, but he says nothing. I suppose I should be grateful. If I could think about it in the first place.

I open the door with gusto, swinging it open in false happiness. Who am I fooling? Perhaps no one, but at least they couldn't say I didn't try.

/Or can I trust the way I feel
If you could read my mind
You see how hard I've tried/

(Trowa)

My balance once again off, I almost hit the floor below. The only problem with this is there is no net to catch me. Since when is there ever been? I could already hear Catherine yelling at me for loosing focus. But I would welcome it, at one time I would have felt guilt. I feel none now for her or myself, only for a golden haired angel that haunts my dreams.

Long ago I given up that I was straight. I guess being a suicidal terrorist who piloted a Gundam gave me a reason not to care what others thought of what I did. I knew it and didn't deny it. I was gay. But that didn't nesscarily mean that I had to bring him into it. The one that I could only love. Nobody else would ever invade my thoughts like this.

Catherine's voice broke me out of my revere. I look up confused. How did I manage to finish the show and get to back stage without ever remembering to stop thinking? I flinched expecting the yelling, but what she said surprised me. No anger lined her pale features and she even smiled.

"You've got it bad kid."

I don't bother to look up. Internally I'm confused and in turmoil. What am I going to do? If I stay away will it hurt him more than if I was there? Naw, it's better that I'm not there. Sure, some heartbreak was expected from him. He already let me know with his touches that he cared. He didn't know how much I cared. I remember the night after we defeated Zechs. He was curled up beside me in bed, in some much pain. He wouldn't admit it of course, but I knew him too well.

How do you ask that I knew every movement as though memorizing a delicate ballet? He only haunted my dreams when I lost my memory, my only comfort knowing that at least I hadn't lost him.

Quatre was in pain and I couldn't do anything to help him. So I comforted him the only way I knew how, I let him lay beside me to soak up my warmth and feelings.

"Let me guess, it's Quatre?"

My head jerks up. Am I that obvious?

She chuckles obviously amused, "Go back to him Trowa. Love only happens once. Enjoy it while you can."

Then with a shooing motion she pushed my already packed bag into my hands. I give her a short smile and promised to be back soon. She only smiled again. Geez, I love her just like a sister. That's it, a sister nothing more. I wonder if Quatre knew that. I could only hope.

/Still I can't decide
If only you knew/

(Quatre)

My hand trembled as I released myself from my vest. Placing it neatly on my bed was my only comfort. I was going to die and I was folding dirty laundry. Sometimes I really question my sanity. I look up, the bathroom's in view. I stumble towards it relief in knowing that it soon would be all over. The pain would be gone and I would be free.

Why was I so scared?

/What I've been going through
Waiting and wanting you
could this be love/

(Trowa)

Something is wrong I know it now. Something is definitely wrong. Quatre wasn't answering my e-mails. He wasn't answering his private phone. Nobody answered the main phone. Yes, something was wrong. I felt it in my gut. Please let me not to be late.

/Oh, tell me could this be love
Do you know if it's true/

(Quatre)

I open the medicine cabinet and glare at the cold pills in their container. I guess this is dishonorable, but I really don't care any more. The pills are gone from the shelf before I realize I've touched them. My hands are shaking, but inside I'm strangely calm. Too calm.

The white pills spill into my hand in a shaky waterfall. I smile grimly not really caring that I shouldn't be smiling at this exact moment. Geez, sometimes I think I'm crazier than Duo. On second thought, I know its true. Why else would I be doing this over him?

I examine the painkillers. Each one different in their own little way, just like us. Except these painkillers work better. They ended life when we asked. I poured a handful of pills into my hand and smiled again as each one was counted. This time my smile turned into laughter that was a tad bit too excited, too happy. Life would be so much simpler without a gay like me. It would be so much simpler without life.

The pills were swallowed quickly now, most going down in the first gulp. The others were quick to follow. Twenty-three to be exact. When your going to die you get strange thoughts. It never accrued to me that it was insane to count the pills before you swallow them. In some ways I really didn't care if I was insane or not. I would be dead soon anyway. No more pain from that particular brown haired boy.

Yes, I'm sure now. I am crazier than Duo.

/That real love lasts a lifetime
Does it shine like the stars up in the sky/

(Trowa)

I do not rush through the door as fast as I should. Old habits die hard, I still cannot purposely call attention to myself. This was foolish attempt anyway, nobody seemed to be in the massive hall. The door was unlocked, but nobody was in site. Now I know for sure something is wrong. Quatre's house is never seemingly empty. He loves life too much to have a silent household.

"Hello?" I ask aloud hoping for an answer.

Silence is my only reward. I stiffen to this. Something is wrong for sure now. My feet pound up the stairs in fury. Please let me not be too late.

/And do you know if you can fall for
Just a moment
Is a moment for all time/

(Quatre)

My vision is wavering now and I feel my body fall to the floor with a thud. Somewhere in the house I hear a voice. Frowning I know it can't be. I sent everyone away. Wufei was the last to leave.

I guess we all think strange things before we die. I know right now I am. My stomach begins to rebel, and I hold it in desperate not to let my life continue on.

Oh Trowa, I just wish I could see you face one more time. Just to be able to brush those bangs away from your face and see those emerald green eyes lit up with happiness. I know it will never happen. I'm dying now.

"Quatre!"

I hear a voice over me and I struggle to open my eyes. Blurry they are, but I can just make out bangs-those wonderful bangs. NO, it's impossible. He couldn't be here. No, it's all a dream, a hallucination. I feel my body become heavy again and I let it fall over without a struggle. One word leaves my throat.

"Tro...wa."

/Why am I so unsure
Is that love knocking at my door/

(Trowa)

My feet pounded their way up the stairs and through the corridors I had succumbed to my memory. Every twist and turn of the hallway was imprinted upon my brain. I hurried just the faster.

'Quatre, what is going on? Where are you?'

I stop and hesitate at the door, knocking softly. No answer at all. I don't pause this time and barge in. The room is empty, so empty.

'Quatre where are you?'

The bathroom door was open and I crane my head around. Maybe he was taking a shower? No, no water. My single eye gets larger. My beautiful angel fallen so far.

'Angel, what happened?'

I rush in and dropped into the ground and cradle his broken body. The pills are evident now, they're strewn along the bathroom counter. But that doesn't matter anymore. My heart is breaking.

"Quatre!"

The voice is foreign to my ears. How can I be worried about my angel?

His beautiful eyes open a crack, so much pain he's in. Quatre, my angel, please don't die.

A single word emanates from his lips, "Tro..wa?"

My angel still thinking of me? Why is it so hard to admit I care?

/Or the sound of my beating heart
If you could read my mind/

(Quatre)

I'm floating in a world of color. Is this a world or am I dead? If I'm dead why does it hurt, why does it hurt? Cramps assault my physical form and I wince subconsciously. Damn, not enough pills to finish the job. Not good, I just want to go. I don't want to be here anymore. Trowa please forgive me, my saint. I am not worthy of your attention.

Trowa do you even know? Perhaps its better this way. I can't taint you with my falseness. I suppose it really is for the best. But for who?

I feel the sickness take over. It comes violently now, oh so violently. In a way I welcome it, it cleans my body of the tainting pills. Maybe I don't want to go as bad as I thought I did. Maybe, just maybe I can have a second chance? No, I'm delusional now. It will not happen, my saint does not love me.

/You know I just can't hide
What I feel inside/

(Trowa)

Oh my beautiful angel, how broken your wings are. What has caused this? Why did you do this? I feel a single tear rush down my face at the sight of you, the feel of you so sick in my arms. And yet I feel it is because of me. Is it my angel? Is your pain from me?

No, its not possible. You do not feel the same as I do. I only taint your fair skin with such thoughts. Forgive me Quatre. I must tell you the truth before I die with my tainting. I must let you know  before you try this again. Even if its a selfish cause, I still wish for you to know.

Oh, my angel forgive my trespasses. Please my angel, understand my wishes.

/If you only knew
What I've been going through/

(Quatre)

I'm better now, if you can call me better. I'm alive if that's what you call better, but not really. Life is so dull, so incomplete. When did I lose it like this? When did the flowers seem to fade into nothingness? I feel so broken. Who am I?

Trowa, my saint, does not speak of the time he nursed me. It remains hidden from the others, and for this I am glad. At least then I have freedom to mope. Freedom to myself and bide my time until finally my passing will come. Ah, my passing. What a way to refer to such a vicious cycle as just passing. But that is the way it is. No use in trying to change something that will not last after my passing. Ah, my passing. The words roll like honey from my lips.

My saint does not leave me alone now. This is a blessing as much as a curse. I feel he wishes to tell me something, but the words do not leave his perfect lips.

I feel him behind me now. My heart lifts, maybe my saint wishes to tell me? Oh how I would sing.

"Quatre?"

His tenor voice encompasses me and I am light headed. I love his voice.

"Quatre, tell me why?"

I look at him. He does not cringe, I admire him for that. My saint looks at me and sighs. He knows I will not tell him. I haven't before.

"Quatre, will you promise to listen to me and not interrupt me until I'm finished?"

I nod, this is got to be important to my saint. I will listen for sure, and with that I will die happy. Death, I shutter, such a beautiful word.

/Waiting and wanting you
Could this be love/

(Trowa)

Its time. I know it is. He will try again soon and I will not let it happen before I proclaim myself to him. At least then I can join him free. My angel would go to heaven, where would I go?

"Quatre," I sigh and take his hand in mine as I sit next to him.

The room is silent in my voice's wake. My angel makes no move to remove my hand, instead oddly he holds it tighter.

"Quatre, I.....I love you. Aishiteru Quatre," I lean over and brush my lips with his.

He does not react, sitting still with disgust as I expected. I don't wait for a reaction and stand to leave.

/Oh tell me could this be love/

(Quatre)

I feel his lips brush mine and I am speechless. Is this a dream? No, I remember getting up this morning. I am frozen. My saint kissing me? How ironic. I look to him. He doesn't see me, my saint so worried about rejection. He is at the door now, poised to leave. I will not let him.

"Trowa?" my voice wavers.

He turns to me and frowns at the tears that are rolling down my cheek.

"Don't cry, my angel."

I burst into tears from that. Tears of regret and longing and pain. My saint rushes to me and holds my quaking body. He asks for my forgiveness. MY, worthless forgiveness. He thinks I am upset because he kissed me. In a way he is right. I'm upset because I could have died without knowing, without knowing how much he loves me back. I never even thought to ask. My delusions would not allow me to.

I tell him everything, everything at all. My love for him and my pain that he did not love me back. I suppose I should be glad, I will not ever die with that on my chest. I will never die without knowing that he loves me as much as I love him.

And as I lie broken but healing against his chest, I smile for the first time in many months.

"Aishiteru, Trowa, Aishiteru."

"Hush now my angel, I know, I know."

My saint, come to save me again. How ironic, we both loved from a distance only to find ourselves through the pain of not having. Allah, what tricks do you play with our minds?

My saint you will never lose me no more. No more my saint will I even try to lose you anymore. In fact, you'll never be parted with me if I can do anything about it. Trowa, I ask you to cleanse me, and I will do the same.

/Oh, tell me could this be love/

Hey all-

Malika here. This is my first GW fic and I'm actually pretty proud of it. *sighs* Now if I can only stay focused with everything else. This is for you Cola! I'll get the next one out as soon as I can.

Malika