MPD Letters

April 9, 2003 Dear Lady Roxanne I am the grounding wire. You are the discoverer. You are making sense in writing. This is good. It is important to write for catching a clearer picture of the process, as well as, historical documents for the book. Love, Sue ----- Original Message ----- From: "DevlynRhys Lighthawk" To: Sent: Tuesday, April 08, 2003 7:06 PM Subject: hello > dear sue, > it was an interesting afternoon... we went places that i didn't remember > until we went help bridge that with your energy... i can walk > over the bridge and then relate what i experience back to you; it's kinda > cool... there's not cool things... but like always it's a balance... there's > lots more there. because when i go there now, it's not filtered through the > after-persona... it's clearly through the before-persona... what a > difference that makes! if i let it;if i don't edit and such... i didn't > much today... it was so interesting... it's like finding me, for real; not > some imaginary image i created, or reckoned by extrapolating from here to > there. did that make sense to you? learning to communicate this way > (typing/writing) seems like taking the long way... but i understand the > necessity now. and in another way, too... because if i take the time to put > my energy into this kind of communication (and verbalizing), then i pay more > attention to it and understand me more, especially in the way i need to > interact in this particular place and time... we went to some interesting > places and times today... i am glad we can go there/then... i am glad you > are not scared of me... i am glad you do not think that i belong in a > cuckoo's nest... it is hard building all that trust again... i am glad that > healing touch has created a way for me to regain my gifts better like in a > holistic sense,not just in my head stuff... the world is scary to me... but > maybe i will get used to the speed and passion and complexity of > emotion-thought processes... now i know i am sounding stranger... i will > stop. but i will tell you that i learned (or remembered) some "new" shaman > abilities that are very cool this weekend, if that's ok with you. i am > learning to listen to my guides, because i still have not recovered from my > way of adapting in childhood and sometimes instead of seeing a bad situation > or person for what it is, i don't pay attention and just adjust, you know? > i hope you know... i am getting it, but i am very wanting to have a mentor > nearby with wisdom to dampen my knowing and doing... because knowing and > doing without wisdom can be fatal, and at least harmful. ok... it is enough > for now. > the lady roxanne > > > > Wind beneath your wings > Devlyn > > See my new book, Myst-taken Identity: > > > > "A ship in port is safe, but > that's not what ships are built for." > > ~ Grace Murray Hopper > > > >

March 30,2003 I'm glad to hear this coming from your heart. You indeed have reached a new level. Namaste, Sue ----- Original Message ----- From: Devlyn Rhys Lighthawk To: sujin Sent: Wednesday, March 26, 2003 10:50 PM Subject: hi Dear Sue, Just a short note of note... Today, around 11am, during a processing group, I had my own epiphany (so to speak) as we were covering core issues, core beliefs, and supporting behavior. (I would like to work with this with you some in any case). One of the things that came to me (as I was co-facilitating) was that the current supporting behavior that is particularly maladaptive for me is constantly accepting guilt in situations where I have or had no hand in it. So I asked myself " What core belief is that?" and I found it two-fold: (1) that it's important for me to take the guilt (to avoid worse consequences and to feed a sense of deserving it, i.e. childhood trauma) and (2) that no one believes me when I say "I didn't do it" or "I'm innocent". Now, I had never considered this before; it had never occurred to me because it is so deeply etched into my belief system. I know that I have been able to say, rather unconvincingly - to me and others- that "I didn't do it". But I have never been able to say, "I'm innocent" because my gut reaction is that no one believed me and they never will and I'll get caught in a lie(their perception, which truly created a perception in me that I must be wrong in my own recall of the "event") and be punished accordingly (often I still feel that I must have remembered wrongly when someone accuses me of something I didn't think I had done; I tend to believe others before believing myself). This time, on this day, I was able to say "out loud" in my head, "I'm innocent." and allow that to express itself over many iniquities, all the way back to the child's brutal past. It's kind of cool. It makes me feel good. Something wonderful has shifted today. And I believe this is important also for us to discuss. Have a good and safe journey. Dev and Roxanne

March 15, 2003 It amazes me, too. Cognitively, I really don't have much control at all of this healing. It is so much deeper. I have to keep reading and re-reading to realize what really is happening. And then I get amazed all over again that I am doing something to heal myself. I think you're very right about the poetry slam being more right brain, and I think that does bring out some deeper issues, too. Most people who hear the poems or writings think that I have had a conscious hand, a connected awareness, of all I write. I don't. Thanks for being there. Thanks for listening. Roxanne -------Original Message------- From: Sue Collins Date: Saturday, March 15, 2003 08:40:51 AM To: Devlyn Young Subject: Growth continues I am amazed at the continuous process going on. Most of all the nurturing in the previous piece. I really like the poetry slam as it allows the mind to play without the left brain so engaged. My love continues with you in your healing. namaste, Sue

March 12, 2003 You are very welcome. L, Sue ----- Original Message ----- From: Devlyn Rhys Lighthawk To: sujin Sent: Tuesday, March 11, 2003 9:01 PM Subject: just me thank you for a good day. thanks for the talk. thanks for letting me hold on to your hand for a long time at the end, because i needed to feel you i think i had put some distance as i am wont to do. when i took a hold, it helped my heart connect to yours and 'remember' emotions i am feeling. strange, huh? i learned a lot today, by talking to you. and the more i talk and we talk and i hear myself, the more i understand. i learned and understood a lot more than i can access right now... it's in the deep ocean place - so i am aware, just not in my head... about the truth of morphing... about the morphing of All... about my Path and the reasons behind my life and what's happening here on this planet. but like i said, i can't access that, and i'm probably not ready for all of it yet, anyway. this gets stranger along this Path we are sharing. i'm glad you are a good companion and open and trusting of me. i will try to write more, as i can. and i will send you an attachment of the Serenity assessment tomorrow, as i left my disc at work. thanks for being there, and being just exactly who you are. Roxanne

March 6, 2003 Thank you for a beautiful "autie" answer. L, Sue ----- Original Message ----- From: Devlyn Rhys Lighthawk To: Sent: Wednesday, March 05, 2003 11:04 PM Subject: Re: me When i am feeling very autistic it means this: that my thinking is gobbed up, clogged... not clear, not focused, not able to retrieve simple thoughts... like someone asks me something and i know i know it but i can't figure out how to get to the storage locker and get what i know and get it to my awareness and then even sometimes when i can get it to my awareness it won't come out of my mouth. in my autism place, i love to rock and look at sparkly stuff and my conversations are stranger than normal for me, because i can hear and see and feel extrasensorally (or something: coining words is a very autie act for me). it's like sometimes when people cross their eyes or shift their focus they can see things in those weird posters. well, it's like that only it's crossing my thoughts or something. i think it's stuff i could do at 2, but then it got lost or something, and now i can access it again and sometimes i'm just in that place and it's safe to be in that place with carole because she likes to interact with me in that autie place... it's fascinating, you know. but I know that it's important for me to be an adult and professional and be full of insight and motivation and properness; and it's important for the healing to focus like that and take advantage of the time i'm with you, so the most healing occurs, because that is the bottom line. i would feel like i would be wasting time if i allowed myself to be autie with you. you know, it's a "should" thing. and not only that but it's important in that there are things i can offer to others in my healing and doing such mature stuff. just sometimes i need to play.. and the child i am is autie in that way. the strange thing is, most nonverbal autie's have the same extrasensory abilities i do,but they can't communicate them or interact in the mundane world with them, and i can. i think there's something important there, too, but i don't know how in the world to communicate that to the world... that's really TOOOOOOOOOOO far out, you think? but thanks for asking because it gave me a chance to answer which i would not have done of my own self. bye roxanne -------Original Message------- From: Sue Collins Date: Wednesday, March 05, 2003 09:15:17 PM To: Devlyn Rhys Lighthawk Subject: Re: me Hello Roxanne, Thanks for writing. I am curious - when you say i had been feeling very autisitc - what does that feel like? And what are the "Higher" standards? Just remember, regardless of what you are "feeling" you are loved. Sue ----- Original Message ----- From: Devlyn Rhys Lighthawk To: sujin Sent: Tuesday, March 04, 2003 11:05 PM Subject: me Hi Sue, well i guess you're right... i haven't talked to you or written or anything for a while. part of it was because i had been feeling very autistic and i don't feel good being like that around you. because like my aunt, there are higher standards to attain and attend to, and not time for being like i was. i mean, you know, everybody isn't perfect all the time, but i'm not perfect most of the time, but i try to be better when i'm with you. and, of course, it helps me lots to reach for that goal and maintain it more and better. so it's a two-edged sword, i'm guessing. in any case, i thought you might like to read that psychomorphism thing, because it works for me and i'm fine-tuning it with what i know about others like me, or sort of like me; i don't think anyone's really like me. i've got lots more information that i've got written but not on the computer yet. and work is good; people like me; kids like me; and i'm given lots of opportunities to show that i'm pretty good at what i do and pretty creative as well and stuff like that. still have trouble talking proper sometimes though; i mean, professional, unless i'm around people who are and i'm engaged and present with their energy...if you know what i mean. anyway, things are okay and i look forward to seeing you next tuesday at 4. Roxanne

March 5,2003 Hello Roxanne, Thanks for writing. I am curious - when you say i had been feeling very autisitc - what does that feel like? And what are the "Higher" standards? Just remember, regardless of what you are "feeling" you are loved. Sue

Feb.10,2003 I've been on an endless rollercoaster and have had no time to delve into this. I will see you after 5 Tuesday (tomorrow). Love, Sue ----- Original Message ----- From: Devlyn Rhys Lighthawk To: sujin Sent: Wednesday, February 05, 2003 9:06 PM Subject: just me Dear Sue, Just wanted to drop a note to say "hi". I'm kind of in a strange place, and I'm sure that you'd just say to breathe through it so it can pass, or transform, or whatever. But I feel a need to explore these issues, and I could wish that I could do some of this on line. However, that's probably not realistic for you. It's different, though. It's not quite the really bad place I was... but it's not a particularly great place. I am doing okay, you know, at work and home; but I feel like I am holding a lot of stuff back... far enough back so I don't hear the screams or words or feel anything or smell or taste or see stuff. But I feel it there; like a nagging pressure - not sharp, just full. I didn't have a headache Tuesday, but it's more like being fuzzy - out of focus - a mix of 14-year-old and 44-year-old... like that. And probably a lot in between. My emotional reactions I am being careful to monitor because of their teen maturational level at times. And, of course, I could wish to squander more of your time... but that is also the young'un who had no one to talk to. Time and place have given distance and thus safety to discussing such deep inner issues and I hope to be able to continue in the ways we have accessed. Do you have any particular essay question for a high school student who writes this type of poem: See, down by the lake, a lone reception: the water's unreal the ripples - deception no trees can I feel their green is transparent the ground where I kneel no grass is apparent all lies in illusions of childlike confusions and I pray in the wake of uncertainty my beliefs are mirages my thoughts on the wind my mind caught in barrages exploding in sin I've lost what I looked for and never could gain pretending: I knew I would melt in the rain. (1966) thanks, r

Feb. 4, 2003 Dear Sue, I think today went pretty well. I'm glad you worked with me in a way in which I could get to the ledge I wanted and needed to get to. I didn't know, starting out, what exactly I was doing... I kind of let the flow go in the general direction and then kept pushing when I felt - well, not resistance, really - kind of intuitive sense that this is the way... don't want to really go, but do want... fear and courage vying each other for dominance. I really appreciate your being there and interacting in this strange therapeutic psychodrama. I wouldn't have done it had anyone suggested psychodrama, but in this that we have, I feel a sense of my own control and very much trust in you. Thanks so much. I know the ripples and turbulence will be deep and transformative, but disquieting and perhaps frightening as well. Right now I am keeping myself safe and pocketed so as to work on this as I am ready and able, in reasonable increments. You can tell I'm pretty much cognitive for now. But I will not forget today, nor what I saw, nor what we accomplished. I will keep you informed. Roxanne

Jan.31,2003 You are doing very well. Keep exploring. L, Sue ----- Original Message ----- From: Devlyn Rhys Lighthawk To: Sent: Thursday, January 30, 2003 11:55 PM Subject: Re: Faith Dear Sue, I am currently reading the book on Jin Shin Jyutsu and just worked on the finger releases. What I found interesting, in particular, was the middle fingers (anger, etc.)... for when I held the right one (which has the Spirit ring on it) all I heard inside my head was "I hate you; I hate you" over and over. I did hold on until this resided. Then, with the left one, it was much more a profound and deep sadness with so many tears beneath it. I decided these needed to be dealt with in session at some time. The other fingers were interesting, but mostly they offered better breathing, peace, stillness and focus, although the index finger which I believe speaks to fear, did make my breath stop...on both fingers. This is very interesting to me. Dev This is me, Roxanne, now. And I want to talk to you about what it was like during high school and some growing up. Not because that's where any trauma was, but because all the symptoms of that were so blatant looking back and in particular I remember how I felt, I remember the fears I held, I remember the sexual disgust and feelings of perversion and defilement, although I can see now that there hadn't been any basis for that in my memory or life after 8 yrs. old. When I remember that time, I remember how much I just wanted to destroy myself because I felt I was such a horror to the world and that I was just putting on a show so no one would know and then despise me and torture me and parade me out in front of the world for people to spit at and stuff. Now, I know all of this sounds pretty weird, but it's where I was. I was afraid if I talked about this to anybody that they would see through my pretense and I would be exposed and ridiculed and punished and scorned. I couldn't wash, be clean, look nice; I couldn't attract people. That would be a death sentence (actually worse than death). I couldn't put stuff in my mouth. People were put off by the hygiene and didn't bother to look closer, thank goodness. Compliments felt like seduction words. I don't know how to put all the emotions into words. It was (is) overwhelming. I'm glad I held on til our Paths crossed. We need to talk about this feeling of sexual evil in me or whatever it really is. This is where I need to start. Because this, at least, I remember and am aware of feeling. And deep inside, I still feel this way. I am risking telling you; but we have known each other for 5 years and 50 lifetimes, so I'm going to try and trust you just a bit more deeply. I don't think you'll be disgusted with me. Especially as I don't remember getting this way. Thanks for listening. Roxanne -------Original Message------- From: Sue Collins Date: Monday, January 27, 2003 11:08:21 PM To: Devlyn Young Subject: Faith This is where faith comes in. When you reach the end of your own rope to find spirit there in whatever form you conceive to carry you the rest of the way. Easy to say, harder to do, but the truth none the less. I presume SRA means Satanic ritual Abuse? Or am I allowed to say it out loud. Humans have done terrible things top other humans in the perverted name of the almighty for eons. I will hold you in the light and see you on the morrow. In love and light, Sue

Jan.27,2003 Needed to write more stuff out. Needed to process, okay? There's a difficulty here in one time-place sense and here in another time-place sense. And the one time-place sense has to do with SRA. How to process this? I guess by writing to you... Anger at the edge of my thoughts, on the tip of my tongue - hidden behind a gossamer veil of control. By both of us (Dev and me). Because there's a fear here. Of losing it. Of losing control in the sense of having a professional job and being a professional. Of losing the ability to focus, keep boundaries, keep cognitive and emotional balance. I don't know. It's funny, in a strange way, because before this particular incident, I would not have been able to focus on the SRA time-space. It has always been in a deep pocket where I could retrieve bits and pieces but not the kind of information that was escalating into tangible words and knowing. Really odd. I could've told them all (the class) how they (the perps) can "get away" with this, where the victims come from, where the sacrifices come from, and how a "man of God" can so pervert the Scripture that no one can realize that he has done that. I could've told them - but that's not what the class is about, in my perception. I mean, it is meant to stir up the bottoms of ponds, and the unknown, repressed issues and memories so that you can be an effective crisis worker. No problem. Although there are many young'uns in this class that are probably doing a lot of processing these next few days. And me, as well. But not because the SRA was discussed... nor any of the other crises she so bluntly described. It was when she went on about the minister who came in to debrief a community where SRA and the local daycare were involved - and most all that Colorado community, including the law, were involved. She went on to tell how wonderful he was and how he was so good at re-framing the Scriptures to show how wrong the SRA had been. Something inside me was furious and I guess it was palpable enough because she asked me what was wrong and I just said that some ministers use the Scriptures to support such abuse (or something like that). She said something to quickly validate me but then went on to defend this other minister and she said something else to which I responded - out loud - "Been there. Done that. I know." But I don't think she picked up on that as a "victim" experience but more like her involvement as a peripheral social worker consultant. Truly, she doesn't even know the half of it. And then Carole spoke up to re-state what I had said about some ministers (and I know that she had spoken up because of me because she later confirmed that, but, you know, the instructor still didn't see the minister part of it as a crisis. And that's ok. I knew that this did not need to be going on any further because it didn't seem to be focusing on crisis intervention but my own issues, so I dropped it. But the turbulence that was stirred up was Richter scale stuff. Talking to Carole some that night about that (and about other things in the teaching that seemed on-the-edge professionally) helped to relieve some of the pressure. And Carole appeared to agree with much of the other stuff I pointed out as well and even called her and discussed it with her because they are good friends even though this may have strained that a bit. She didn't talk about my specific experience though, just the stuff that I thought was bending the envelope in ethical and professional ways - although I am a counselor and not a social worker. And then, yesterday afternoon, I got to talk with Mary about it some. That's when she asked me if I could "be there" at that SRA place and I said "yes". And then she asked if I can go there now and be here at the same time, and I realized that I could - for the most part. Then we were also talking about the fear that kept my passion and energy "bottled up and hidden" and how I fear to express it and thereby re-create the Trauma that nearly killed me, or should have, or would have been less painful if it had. I told her it made the Crucifixion look pretty tame and she said many abused people feel like that. Then she said, "But you didn't die, you survived, so tap into that memory with the realization that you do survive and because time is simultaneous in the here and now, then knowing what you know, you can be inside the Tomb (trauma) and outside the Tomb (survival), making the Stone irrelevant (the Fear). She said that that just came to her - spiritual Truths do that. So I am now trying to process ALL these aspects. The SRA, the minister issue, the fear of expression of my passion (in healing and other ways), and the logic problem on the Tomb-Stone parable that Mary spoke. Anyway, well, now I feel a bit better having said all that. There's plenty to talk about for us, that's for sure. Roxanne

Jan.26,2003 Dear Sue, I was honored to spend the late afternoon today with Mary. We chatted like friends about school, internship, church and clergy, people, and the future. We also spent much time discussing psychomorphism (actually Mary did a lot of the talking and questioning and had many incredible insights that I had not even considered). It was pretty fascinating. Then we talked some about me,and my work with you and I told her where I was (where Roxanne and I are) and how that works and everything. She asked how being a "two-some" was working out and would work out. Then I talked about yesterday. I haven't talked to you about it yet, but I was still processing. I'm in the Crisis Intervention class to learn skills and knowledge that will allow me to act quickly and efficiently, without losing my empathic intuitive way. And it has been going pretty well, mostly because I don't have much for untouched issues... I've dealt in some way with just about all of them. However, yesterday, for some weird reason, the professor got off on the crisis of Satanic Ritual Abuse. And actually, I was handling that better than I ever had. I could have cognitively told her exactly why they were doing those things, and what they were doing, and how they could get away with it and all. I was really tuned in to that (which we can discuss Tuesday, if you want). But then she started talking about how they were able to break it all up with the Feds (although mostly no charges...) and how this certain minister was able to come in and reframe it all so the people could understand what God really had meant by certain scriptures and made everyone feel better... and I'm sure he did. However, MY dealings with the religious people, especially ministers, was not positive (understatement) and I began to react internally with a great deal of anger and resentment and oooh lots of garbage. I kept it in because, to me, this was a classroom and was no place for me to vent on "ministers" when that really wasn't the point of the discussion anyway. Still, the professor seemed oblivious to the dark possibilities even though someone remarked that some ministers are not so positive and can be harmful. She behaved as if that occurrence was important or something. I know that Roxanne was right there, and we just stayed quiet for most the rest of the class. I spent last night and most of today processing my awareness in a cognitive sense (which hadn't been conscious) and my emotions (which really hadn't been tapped at a conscious level either). I watched as both of us struggled with this issue. Mary and I spent much time discussing this. At one point (and I would like to discuss all the other points with you), Mary said that if I could be "here and now" and at other times be present at the trauma as if "here and now", (which I can do - be in both worlds at once) then that would be like being able to be outside the Tomb and inside the Tomb at the same time, which makes the Stone irrelevant (the Stone being my fear of re-experiencing that pain and stuff that might happen if I allow my passion and energy to show). Did that make sense? Well, I'll try to make it sound more cohesive on Tuesday. Thanks for listening. Dev and Roxanne

Jan.24,2003 Dear Sue, I think I understand what you are trying to say... but it might help me if you restated it differently. On the other hand, I also felt like some sort of Resolution occurred symbolically in the dream I had. It may be that we are talking similarly, except that I don't really understand myself, either. Also, I was given an Inworld name today: Singing Mouse. Roxanne -------Original Message------- From: Sue Collins Date: Thursday, January 23, 2003 05:16:12 AM To: Devlyn Young Subject: Thanks for sharing Dear Roxanne I work for the LIGHT. My presence in your dream was as a symbol that you can touch and see of that which is beyond what we both in human form can really "see". Love
Jan.22,2003 Dear Sue, Thanks for the reply. Will think on it. Now, for more important matters. You will never believe this, like what happened last night in my dream. You were there and I was there and also others who may or may not be good but certainly did not believe in me or were not good influences or know what I mean. Most often, I do not dream of myself and see myself as I am. Most often, I look different or something. Anyway, there I was just as I am and you just as you are and all those other people of whom I'm not sure who they were but probably relatives of not good influence. In any case, I was trying to shoot an "energy beam." Or something akin to that. Something maybe that is symbolic or mystic or psychological or all of this rolled into one, you know? Anyway, I kept trying to "shoot" this from myself... like trying to accomplish something or bring out my power or protect myself or something. And I tried over and over again, and I just couldn't get it to "complete"... whatever that would look and feel like. At the time, I didn't know what would happen, just that I kept trying because I was scared and fearful and beating myself up for not being able to do this. I mean, I felt inside that I could, but it wasn't happening and I just knew it was all my fault, that somehow I was lacking, I was stupid or lazy or retarded or incompetent or impotent or something. It was like I could get real close to completing this beam of light, but "not". Then, something wonderful happened. You stepped in and stood by me, kind of being interference for all the negative energy "they" were throwing off (in an external sense) and being interference for all the FEAR that I was throwing off (in an internal sense). You know, something like that. Then, guess what? Yep! The Light beam went all the way out (I don't know how to explain that except for a feeling of completeness, success, fullness, rightness). Now, I know this dream seems pretty ordinary (concerning the visions and journeys I take), but it's the most realistic dream I've ever had in my whole life. I mean, I've had dreams from my growing-up-times that I still remember that make a lot of psychological sense or ones that play on some emotional repressions or such... but this was so incredible to me. Way, way incredible. I am not attributing unrealistic qualities to you or our relationship. It is only as it occurred. I understood it for only what took place. I felt the subtle energies that are there when I am with you, and when I was around the "others". I felt the knot in my stomach, the subconscious locked door, the Fear to Be. And I felt the exhilaration that comes from being able to win. And in some context, in some manner, in some matrix of Life, I won. Roxanne p.s. I hope this doesn't sound to childish or simple or silly. It was very amazing to me... -------Original Message------- From: Sue Collins Date: Tuesday, January 21, 2003 09:12:22 PM To: Devlyn Young Subject: You are welcome Dear Roxanne, I'm glad things went OK. Right now I am seeing patients usually Friday afternoon or all day. The schedule bounces from week to week. There is no Friday when I am not booked right now. After 24 patients and that many charts to do it is hard for me to shift gears and just be present and listen for an hour. That is why I am staying away from Friday afternoons. We may be able to find a Saturday once in a while. We are open Saturdays again except for the three day weekends. I'll see you next week. Love, Sue

Dec.18,2002 Dear Sue, Thanks muchly for the reply. It is good to know... although hard to accept or hold close. This feels so much like when things started unfolding...disintegrating in an awareness sense. I can't really explain it well. But I look forward to seeing you in the new year. If you had time after work tomorrow, we could meet with Mary, but I know all of our schedules are crazy right now. If, like, Monday afternoon might work, I will ask Mary tomorrow about that. The day after Christmas, we are flying to Florida until Jan. 6th. Right at the moment, I don't know when Mary has to return, but I can let you know that, also, tomorrow. I would guess there might be a few days that first full week in January for all of us. I love this writing. I will try to be good and remember that this too shall pass. But it's such a different place than I have had to be in for so many years. I was hoping to never come back. Of course, that may be the good news. The bad news may be returning to times even earlier than that. However, there are many issues that need to be taken care of in this place. Thanks for being there. Roxanne

Dec. 17,2002 Dear Roxanne: There is a song and it's first phrases are "Hang on, help is on the way...." You are doing fine. Look for the dove. She is definately nearbye. Love, Sue ----- Original Message ----- From: "DevlynRhys Lighthawk" To: Sent: Tuesday, December 17, 2002 4:43 PM Subject: Re: sorry > Yeah, peace in the midst of the storm. Yes, indeed. So much storm. But > holding on. Really connecting to stuff I felt in my 20s and 30s, when > things began getting into my awareness. Much to talk about, because now I > can talk about (not easily) what I originally had problems with that got all > lost in the disintegration renewal crisis stuff. More core issues. More > me. Me talking. Not others. Comes out different. Feels different. even > if it's the same old thing for you to hear. In reality, it is not. Because > I am connected. It was interesting for you to make the Wholeness connection > with the Journey. MaryAnne did, too. (a choir friend who's been part of > the circle from 5 years ago, and who was available that day, and said the > same thing you did. I was actually trying to find someone who could explain > more the significance of Aaron's breastplate, but I may have to wait for > Mary P). Thanks for being there. It helps right now, because I'm feeling > like I did, say, 20-30 years ago, and it's icky. Before that, I just wasn't > feeling... reacting some, but zero connection. Thanks for responding. > > > > > roxanne

Dec. 15, 2002 Just thought I'd send this because it's pretty cool. Things are pretty intense, fascinating, connecting, and causing some turbulence, along with incredible insights and spiritual growth. Thanks for being patient with me. Roxanne

April 7, 2003 Dearest Roxanne, You are incredibly strong and brave to take this posture about the pain. Yes if it is there it is important to acknowledge it and not shift from it. The question is wht do you want to do with it? You can stay with it is one option. Or, you can acknowledge where it comes from and what happened to cause it as the memories come flooding up, and then using the pain drain, lift your left hand high and open to mother/father God to bring healing energy and at the same time point your right hand with forefinger forward like a gun and discharge the pain into mother earth who knows all pain and can heal it. The letting go is your's to decide. The healing energy from above will increase your endorphins and reduce the level of pain to bearable at least. Then over time we can drain the rest away and leave only the body residue. Remember through all of this that you are truly loved and honored by Spirit and have not "deserved" any of this. I will see you tomorrow at 4ish. Love, Sue ----- Original Message ----- From: Devlyn Rhys Lighthawk To: sujin Sent: Sunday, April 06, 2003 9:27 PM Subject: pain Dear Sue, Both of us are going to write here, because I believe it's important. This weekend - in addition to a healing touch workshop - there has been another convergence in which all the pain being held in the body for decades has come to the forefront of conscious awareness. Needless to say, it is excruciating. However, as usual, I function... just not as well as usual. On a scale of 1-10, I would have to say 10, to be proper... it feels off the top of any scale, for real. I am functioning right now, because black coffee can divert and focus my cognitive mind away from pain. I have also taken 2 Robaxin. The biggest problem I have with Robaxin is that it has a bad rebound effect that Methocarbomal doesn't have. Now, it's not too unusual for me to take 2, although I usually only take 1 at night... just so you know... along with a Tylenol PM, of course (maybe 2, tonight). What's important for me to tell you is that, instead of feeling a vague pervasive ache all over, I finally can tell you exactly what's hurting where. Actually, it feels like I just regained consciousness after hitting a wall, being kicked, and beaten a bit... maybe even being run over by a truck (of course, the last thing didn't happen). I think it's important, now, for Roxanne to write you her perceptions, okay? i hurt ...very ribs, my shoulders, my back, certain of "those" places, my head, my knees, my left ankle, the top of my head, my fingers... oh, this sounds so stupid... you know i could shift this all away... and i want to before you say something... i want to be all grown up and healed for you... i want to not be whining and complaining and being a baby... i know you will say that all the hurt is from long ago and detach, but see that's for dev to do because she can... i have to stay right here in this place with this so i can deal with it and i need you to deal with it as if then is now... just so we can both understand clearly what indeed happened and what really was hurt, because how can you heal something if you don't understand it...and the root and cause and expanse of damage...even if we can't find the why because there probably isn't any that make sense and so that means there isn't any but i just want you to say okay and we can talk about it, like for you it's real as real as it is for me right isn't good to shift out anymore...i need to get through this to the other side, okay? please? i'm not asking for pain medication...just affirmation of it... and maybe some of the type of healing you and me do together, you know, that energy work and well i don't know about the rib because i already know that it just gets disconnected from the spine often and won't stay in long enough to melt together or grow bone knittings or whatever... but that is something we can also talk about later, okay? i think i have talked too much now and i am going to go to bed. even though i wish i could see you tomorrow, i will get through work, i think, and then see you tuesday... but you know when dev said 10 on the scale, that's pretty much an understatement, because it makes me get tears, but no, i don't want no one else to see or touch, so no, if i can't see you, then no one... i can choose that... and shift if the need is that great. i will not show the pain to anyone else but you and carole. Roxanne

Date: Monday, April 14, 2003 07:48:53 PM To: Devlyn Young Subject: Integration continues If I believe the poems and I do.. they convey a depth of feeling and a rising positive spirit that is finding its way to the surface. The first one needs to go to Mary as she will definately get the connection between ice etc. The hour glass is more subtle but speaks to the white room and the truth you will find that sets you free. I am very happy in my soul at your growth. Love, Sue

Date: Sunday, April 13, 2003 07:18:20 PM To: Devlyn Young Subject: Wow First there were the streams, then the rapids and now the pictures. We meet again 22nd. Bring your recorder. Love, Sue PS I'm glad to read your writings. And see your pictures.

Date: Saturday, March 15, 2003 08:40:51 AM To: Devlyn Young Subject: Growth continues I am amazed at the continuous process going on. Most of all the nurturing in the previous piece. I really like the poetry slam as it allows the mind to play without the left brain so engaged. My love continues with you in your healing. namaste, Sue

Date: Sunday, March 16, 2003 09:31:43 AM To: DevlynRhys Lighthawk Subject: Re: me This is where the duality that you are is important. Devlyn the nurturing parent holds Roxanne the trembling child. Use whatever stuffed animal you have "dolphin" perhaps? to symbolically be the Roxanne you and then the Devlyn you holds the Roxanne you and rocks and hugs and murmurs comforting words. The thought that my spirit infuses Devlyn who is sent from Spirit to help you Roxanne cope and grow up and beyond this great trial may or may not help. You are not alone, angels too attend, and you will get beyond this to be terrorized no more. In love and light, Sue ----- Original Message ----- From: "DevlynRhys Lighthawk" To: Sent: Saturday, March 15, 2003 10:36 PM Subject: me > sue > i am not feeling well or something like that; i'm on edge, on the edge of > tears...everything is going too fast; it has been going too fast all week, > and now it's really going fast. like rapids in the stream, like a very > strong current...not an undertow, the whole stream. it scares me so much, > so much...the terror is too being able to smell the breath of > someone right behind you...someone you can feel but not see... i had to > write you because it freezes me and i can't do anything.. when i run, i run > don't know the terror but i didn't either before, i just knew i > ran cuz i was scared; now i know it is terror, that i can almost smell and > taste and feel.. a shadow come to life. can i function at work? of course. > but i have to shift away from this. then i become unreal. cuz it's not me. > i just can't be here all the time, but i try. i remember how you hold me > when i'm terrified and i will try to remember how that feels and tastes and > smells instead. this is something just between you and me. so i hope you > respond with lots of stuff as if i were there with you. i'm glad you said i > could write to you. if i didn't this would get too big for me, becuz i am > letting my senses remember and it terrifies me and i don't know how to > handle it, just walk through it to get to the other side. but i don't want > to be alone doing it. and i know you're there in the spirit sense but > sometimes you know it helps to have that physical touch so i remember what's > real. but i know it's getting closer and closer and i'm very scared because > he's going to be very real and i know you'll say it's the past and he's not > real, but you know that it isn't the same with me because i can be in that > here and now even while i'm in this here and now both at the same time and > cognitively i know the difference but not experientially and it's becoming > real real real real real real. i don't work like everybody else. i'm gonna > feel him for real and experience it all over again for real and all the > other stuff. closer and closer and the veil gets thinner and thinner and > when it gets even thinner, i'll be able to hear the voices and smell the > alcohol and blood and smoking and sweat and taste all that too; and then it > will come to being able to feel his touch. i didn't know it would come to > this. nobody could know. why. i mean it makes shamanic sense, but how many > shamans have self reported on trauma ricochet. ok; that's too much for now. > i am going to bed. i could wish i could see you right now. but this > shaman will have to make do as well as i can. thanks for listening. > roxanne > > > > > Wind beneath your wings > Devlyn

Date: Wednesday, April 23, 2003 05:37:15 AM To: Devlyn Young Subject: Faerys Your reporting of your experience indicates how you are indeed allowing guidance from other realms to help with what seem to be Outerworld problems. Quite a tale. Love, Sue

Date: Wednesday, April 23, 2003 08:44:20 AM To: Subject: Re: Faerys You are resonating rightly with me...your perceptions affirm and encourage me. I have realized with the Spirit Watchtower, that it is a much different kind of "thing" (as one would come to discover by being still and allowing knowing to distill through the "human" lens). Spirit is a vigilant Knowing Being... responds to the Inner mosaic tile all sentient life carries within it... provides opportunities to choose... provides discernment of Its Truth to those who so choose. Something like that. Especially to the "human" journey where such opportunities, options, and discernment is covered by the veil of illusion. You think? Wind beneath your wings DevaR

Date: Wednesday, April 23, 2003 08:53:01 PM To: DevlynRhys Lighthawk Subject: Re: Faerys When I studied hypnosis we were always aware and talked with the ever vigilant watchtower which gave answers that needed to be given without the interference of the "editor". There was never any harm able to come to the being hypnotized as the watchtower would awaken the person before that could happen. So there is always in my mind a vigilant one that can alert me while I sleep peacefully knowing that "it" is there. Could it be our own "Holy Spirit" that we were always promised? Love, Sue

Date: Tuesday, July 08, 2003 09:47:44 PM To: DevlynRhys Lighthawk Subject: Re: issues I remember a story from one of the altars (sp?) about a woman friend of your mothers who made sexual advances. I can't remember the age of the altar but it is young. Alcohol was involved and your mother seemed to allow the behavior. That is my memory of what someone said. I'm glad this issue is coming up. It hasn't been dealt with in a long time, if at all really. Man or woman, anyone who intrudes on the private space and parts of a child is committing gross child abuse in my book. Worthy of a lot of anger. We can find space outside of clinic to discuss chapters etc. I have a whole file box full of early writings from altars. Perhaps Carol has some ideas on the way to present it. Worth asking about. I'll deal with the 28th. L, Sue ----- Original Message ----- From: "DevlynRhys Lighthawk" To: Sent: Tuesday, July 08, 2003 9:27 PM Subject: issues > Dear Sue, > Okay... yeah, there's some issues.. and sometimes it seems it would be > easier if i just "brought out" someone who could deal with you with them. > You know what I mean. and yet, i know that, it would be difficult no matter > what, because i can't pretend or shift to such a degree that i'm not me, and > i'm very very aware of that. no matter what i might tell myself. not > anymore. > but these are issues that have to do with stuff that is difficult, and i > know that sounds familiar, and perhaps it always appears difficult because > it's the next boulder or dam or ledge or whathaveyou. > and it has to do with female stuff - like very feminine female and then like > not feminine. and you would think that these childhood issues would target a > more focused area, but it does'nt seem so, and that doesn't bode well for > me. i have some very very angry rageful cussful feelings concerning both > kinds of women...i mean real nasty stuff. now, i know i just didn't decide > to use such language, so i'm sure i heard it, or something...but it sits in > me. and i know it's not you. but it sure is targeted at someone from long > ago. you know, like some woman touched me and such in an abusive not > painful way... and not my mother, because i have a whole set of things that > i feel about her and would call her and would express, that are not in the > same category...the "energy" is different... you know. > > anyway, that's close enough for now. > > > > and the other thing i would like to discuss of course but not in session > particularly is about the book, because you remember things a whole lot > differently and you remember stuff i have completely forgotten about and you > remember things from quite a different perspective... and i'm trying to get > a feel for like chapters or theme or like some books do that go back and > forth between person and therapist to get both perspectives. > > also, i forgot to tell the girl up front about the appointment on the 28th. > > > > Wind beneath your wings > Devlyn > > See my new book, Myst-taken Identity: > > > > How wonderful that no one > need wait a single moment to improve > the world. > - Anne Frank >

Date: Monday, January 05, 2004 08:15:43 PM To: Devlyn Rhys Lighthawk Subject: Re: New Year's Day I'll check my schedule and let you know. I thought you probably were in a flat space. Holding your own but not centered. I figured that when you wanted to communicate you would and did not want to interfere. I am glad to hear from you. I have a bunch of Kryon stuff but I don't know about cards. I look forward to seeing you. Namaste, Sue ----- Original Message ----- From: Devlyn Rhys Lighthawk To: Sent: Monday, January 05, 2004 1:59 PM Subject: Re: New Year's Day I'm sure it was, in some way... We had a small but good group for the afternoon and early evening. I have been in not so good places, out of focus, out of touch, seemingly functional (as always), and kind of lost. Perhaps it is the time of year (not the best, as holidays have left negative imprints for the most part, although i am replacing them)... sometimes it is just too frenetic, too much energy, too much loudness and brightness and sensory overload... But, it was a nice Christmas... and New Year. I surely hope yours was, too. At least right now I am in a place to communicate such fuzziness... obviously, because you have not received anything from me, until now. Perhaps Friday the 23rd or 30th would be a time to reconnect with you... or whatever... It surely was good to get an email from you. I have a set of Kryon cards that I would like to share with you as well. They are very good, and work for me. They just have little sayings that are reflective of his wisdom. I will write again later. In light and love, Dev