how to explain where i am...
how to explain that i am completely exhausted holding a shift, a sense of being, that is appropriate and acceptable to not only professional and societal expectations but also yours...
how to explain that sometimes it is just overwhelming...
how to explain that knowing there are 'choices'... and knowing what those 'choices' are... are two different things...
how to explain that your perception of the choices and my perception of the choices are more than two different perspectives... they're two different worlds...
how to explain that i don't even know how to communicate that to you...
how to explain that i've developed according to the weave of our expectations of success and healing and wholeness... and it's still not 'truth'...
how to explain that i can't explain that to you...
how to explain that i'm much more and much less than what we've uncovered, discovered, reborn, and healed...
how to explain that i don't try to walk in two different worlds, that i walk in one whole world that holds all worlds...
how to explain that, as successful as i am, i am not happy...
how to explain that, even though i understand your language and can communicate in it, you would never understand mine...
how to explain that i know what i'm writing and am not experiencing a psychotic break...
how to explain the extreme risk i feel in even writing this to you... the White Room did its job well: i must present according to preset standards and expectations or end up back there...
how to explain that this is not to say that i cannot be that successful person i present after allowing myself to experience this place i am in, but it is a possibility...
how to explain that i am feeling and experiencing enormous shifts in energy... not just local or global, but cosmic... and ... internally... i can feel the currents, sense the colors, the textures, the taste of the winds of change... i can sense the imbalance and impending cataclysmic shift to bring things back into balance... i can sense the shadows - dark and light - that presage this shift... and i have no idea how to use such knowledge... it is not about safety or war or - well - anything that can be understood cognitively, i guess... especially if i can't define it better... but it is overwhelming in an energy sense because i am trying to maintain myself as we know me - professionally and realistically - while experiencing all this... and no one to talk to who understands this in the sense i do... without weaving in allopathic hesitation and influences.
well, ok, that being said... i am sending this on to you...