Storm Warnings

when it is still...
and I can feel
the tide of Future-Past,
I know His will:
and I can see
the Falling of the Mast.

If all that is
is not reality
because the self isn't
and cannot be,
then what does it matter --
if pretending
can achieve the highest standards,
if responsibility
must not be sacrificed,
then the self must be...
and all hope shattered.

When encounters with reality
increase in kind and speed,
the demand for rationality
becomes too much for me...
no time to sort out common sense,
no one to understand,
no place I'm free without defense,
no touch I can withstand--
stay with me, friend, as some relief,
I need to know I'm sane,
I need control of that belief,
I need to feel the rain.

Rainbow disintegrating
into screaming, swirling pieces
of maddening light;
I run but there are no walls
thick enough to hide behind;
I know I must turn and fight;
I know that they are only
exploding pieces of my mind
trying to absorb me
til I'm as mad
as they appear to be.

melted rainbow,
cast beyond the massive cliff,
you've left your iridescent dust
where shadows used to drift
and turn to rust;
shattered prism,
held in transitory splendor
by a transcendental stream,
your leap to freedom renders
God's omnipotent gleam.

See, down by the lake,
a lone reception:
the water's unreal
the ripples - deception
no trees can I feel
their green is transparent
the ground where I kneel
no grass is apparent
all lies in illusions
of childlike confusions...
and I pray in the wake of uncertainty -
my beliefs are mirages
my thoughts on the wind
my mind caught in barrages
exploding in sin...
I've lost what I looked for
and never could gain,
I knew I would melt in the rain.

What seemed so easy to acquire,
seems now so far away:
the moment I can touch the fire,
the flames all die away.

Echoes are all I ever hear
Reflections all I see
How can I know the Truth of God?
How can I know me?
Walls are all I ever touch
Darkness all I feel
How can I know the Truth of Life?
How can I be real?

I remember now
where it was
that I had been
and flourished
before this was
before the darkness
came to keep me
like it has;
I cannot think
not deep, not clear
for I did not want
to come at all --
I knew the fear
would conquer me
against its concrete wall -
and it has.

River, rushing in crystal explosions
white shadows embroidering your darkness
passing the rock and bushes in silent emotion;
I watch you run, follow you with my eyes
only to realize that you must ever run
ever hope to reach and touch the ocean;
pure reflection of my life, is this all in vain?
Are we only and forever what we seek?

Trapped within the clutches of my mind,
I resign
finding all my thoughts unwrapped
and distorted;
I cannot move to break this
iron mist
and all my self's creation
has been thwarted.

Pilgrim, what name do you go by?
Which one your identity?
Why do you hide in their shadows?
Which one is the you I see?
Which one keeps you locked in a prison?
Which one is afraid to feel?
Do you know which one will answer?
Do you know which one is real?

You think you can find my small sanctuary
that hides what is left of me;
you think I can let you get close enough to
touch and destroy what is free;
the risk and the trust are too great to accept
the knife of knowing too keen;
the fear is so constantly pressing down
through people, shadows, and dreams;
that my refuge may yet be insanity
if that would just stop the fear;
it attacks with such frightening images,
that nothing is real or clear.

I look for myself
beyond my mind,
knowing that such is in vain;
but confusion and pretense
have stricken me blind,
and all becomes dark in the rain.

The echoes of my mind
deceive me
and leave me
to perish by my hand.

The reflection is gone;
the mirror has taken its own,
replacing mine;
and I cannot face it alone:
not knowing who I am,
not knowing where to run,
not knowing how to accept
all that I have become.