throw into the river of the past...
anger at my father and male others who abused me-- anger at my mother and female others who abused me--
fear-- hatred-- lint, sand, butterflies (which flew to the forest)-- black sandy mud in my pockets-- all kinds of things i have picked up and put in my pockets-- money-- imaginary clothes that protect me even when i am naked
then i feel and see black ooze draining from all my orifices-- and then from my fingertips and then from my eyes and ears and mouth and then my skin-- and then my skin starts melting away
i try at first to hold on to it, then let it go
i am just a bright golden white light of energy;
turning around to the future:
got slamdunked by huge balls of energy bowling me over but not off the rock
began weaving green energy strands about me like skin-- balls of energy began becoming big tropical birds like macaws-- i could see the energy surrounding them, but it wasn’t so overpowering now-- they passed by
what comes into my future:
by my choice
joy-- play-- wisdom-- a companion to share this with--
by relinquishing all control, i do not feel out-of-control but completely at peace...strange
trance deep into my heart:
see the fear
see the charred places, like laser strikes, burnt black places-- feeling of cancer, but not
see the love-- feel the peace-- find the room, the divine room, in the center of my heart:
like stepping through a door not a door into a room not a room
because it becomes a meadow with a river and waterfall
altar is a large smooth boulder, flat on top-- has feathers, sticks, pebbles, a bit of cloth, a maple leaf, an acorn, a pine cone, some pine needles, thistledown
from the jaguar stone, go back 50 years:
screaming, pain, shattering, gone
go back 200 years: a broken covered-wagon in the wilderness-- no water anywhere even though we were told there would be-- know we will die of thirst soon without help...
go back to a life that feels right:
suddenly, i am on a three-masted frigate (or something like that)
we are in the middle of a terrible storm-- like a hurricane-- no clue if we are anywhere near land, or anything-- no other ship around-- the waves are tremendous, easily 50-80 feet high-- overwhelming the ship, tearing it to pieces-- the foremast snaps at the deck and starts to fall-- it crashes into the deck and then to the sea-- the ship is breaking up all around me-- i can hear men screaming everywhere around me-- but i can see no one because of the waves and rain and early darkness
i grab the mast as the ship splinters beneath my feet-- i am in the ocean holding desperately to the mast and torn pieces of sail-- the waves engulf me, the rain slashes down so hard i can see nothing but the mast i am holding onto-- it starts slipping from my fingers, or my fingers from it-- perhaps because of the creosote or just the water
i know i will drown-- the waves are too huge, too violent-- the lightning is everywhere but all i see is ocean-- the wind is ferocious-- the rain stings my eyes closed-- ...
suddenly, i feel something from below me
i jerk from fear, but it doesn’t seem to hurt me-- i feel a kind of peace, a kind of message to my numb brain-- trust this--
the mast slips from my fingers and as i grab frantically for anything more solid than water-- i find myself holding onto a fin, of sorts--
i hold on for what seems a lifetime
i am sure i passed out-- when i came to, it was early morning-- i opened my eyes and saw a white sandy beach under a clear sky and warm sun
it was then that i realized i had been holding onto a dolphin’s fin
the dolphin, more likely, had been holding me she led me close to shore so i could swim in to the beach
she made sure i made it to the beach before she left
i heard her say good-by or farewell or take care-- something wonderfully reassuring
as i sat upon the beach, i tucked a small stone into my breeches and laid down for the most wonderful nap i have ever had...even if alone.