Inner Fire Shamanic Journey

throw into the river of the past...

anger at my father and male others who abused me-- anger at my mother and female others who abused me--

fear-- hatred-- lint, sand, butterflies (which flew to the forest)-- black sandy mud in my pockets-- all kinds of things i have picked up and put in my pockets-- money-- imaginary clothes that protect me even when i am naked

then i feel and see black ooze draining from all my orifices-- and then from my fingertips and then from my eyes and ears and mouth and then my skin-- and then my skin starts melting away

i try at first to hold on to it, then let it go

i am just a bright golden white light of energy;

turning around to the future:

got slamdunked by huge balls of energy bowling me over but not off the rock

began weaving green energy strands about me like skin-- balls of energy began becoming big tropical birds like macaws-- i could see the energy surrounding them, but it wasn’t so overpowering now-- they passed by

what comes into my future:

by my choice

joy-- play-- wisdom-- a companion to share this with--

by relinquishing all control, i do not feel out-of-control but completely at peace...strange

trance deep into my heart:

see the fear

see the charred places, like laser strikes, burnt black places-- feeling of cancer, but not

see the love-- feel the peace-- find the room, the divine room, in the center of my heart:

like stepping through a door not a door into a room not a room

because it becomes a meadow with a river and waterfall

altar is a large smooth boulder, flat on top-- has feathers, sticks, pebbles, a bit of cloth, a maple leaf, an acorn, a pine cone, some pine needles, thistledown

from the jaguar stone, go back 50 years:

screaming, pain, shattering, gone

go back 200 years: a broken covered-wagon in the wilderness-- no water anywhere even though we were told there would be-- know we will die of thirst soon without help...

go back to a life that feels right:

suddenly, i am on a three-masted frigate (or something like that)

we are in the middle of a terrible storm-- like a hurricane-- no clue if we are anywhere near land, or anything-- no other ship around-- the waves are tremendous, easily 50-80 feet high-- overwhelming the ship, tearing it to pieces-- the foremast snaps at the deck and starts to fall-- it crashes into the deck and then to the sea-- the ship is breaking up all around me-- i can hear men screaming everywhere around me-- but i can see no one because of the waves and rain and early darkness

i grab the mast as the ship splinters beneath my feet-- i am in the ocean holding desperately to the mast and torn pieces of sail-- the waves engulf me, the rain slashes down so hard i can see nothing but the mast i am holding onto-- it starts slipping from my fingers, or my fingers from it-- perhaps because of the creosote or just the water

i know i will drown-- the waves are too huge, too violent-- the lightning is everywhere but all i see is ocean-- the wind is ferocious-- the rain stings my eyes closed-- ...

suddenly, i feel something from below me

i jerk from fear, but it doesn’t seem to hurt me-- i feel a kind of peace, a kind of message to my numb brain-- trust this--

the mast slips from my fingers and as i grab frantically for anything more solid than water-- i find myself holding onto a fin, of sorts--

i hold on for what seems a lifetime

i am sure i passed out-- when i came to, it was early morning-- i opened my eyes and saw a white sandy beach under a clear sky and warm sun

it was then that i realized i had been holding onto a dolphin’s fin

the dolphin, more likely, had been holding me she led me close to shore so i could swim in to the beach

she made sure i made it to the beach before she left

i heard her say good-by or farewell or take care-- something wonderfully reassuring

as i sat upon the beach, i tucked a small stone into my breeches and laid down for the most wonderful nap i have ever had...even if alone.