Letters from 2000

Sent: Tuesday, November 21, 2000 11:53 PM
Subject: crash

Dear Sue,
I need to write this, if only to get it down in print. There have been some traumatic stuff going down around me, but nothing I thought that would trigger me so badly. I attributed some of it to the fact that I was late today in taking my morning vitamins, but it is more than that. I know it. I walked into work yesterday, and Keith (my general manager) had been let go (fired), due to some indiscretion most likely related to alleged (?) fraternization (or more) with a certain female employee who he had recently let go... I know there were a lot of gray areas going on, but nothing that seemed bad, just poor judgment in the sense that if you make someone feel bad that had invested in you, they are likely to look for paybacks. In any case, I know much of that was irrelevant, but I walked into chaos. His not being there kind of left me on top for the time being. They brought Gary over from the other store, the one I had worked with this summer. I like the way he relates to people, to me, and to corporate. I never felt comfortable around Keith. He always tried to say and do the right things, but it never felt real, and he had a nasty temper and way of putting people down to make himself feel better. Things are pretty chaotic, as I mentioned, but I'm off for a few days, lucky me. I came home Monday night around 2:30 and got to bed closer to 4, what with down time and all. I had told Gary, and he had asked me, to call if he had any problems because he had no clue how to run all the little intricacies of this store. Little things. Of course, at 6:30, he called. Although I jumped up out of bed, running to get dressed, I was running on automatic, certainly not functioning rationally or intellectually or anything at that level. Carole was all upset about the injustice of it all because I was so exhausted, but I knew that in a practical sense, I had to go just because that's my job. We had a few words, and I left. I stayed at the store for about 2 hours, made sure everything was reasonably ok, and came home. We did a lot of talking things out, understanding for each of us, the old messages and patterns that ignited with that abrupt phone call. Even though all of that was worked out between us, we each fell into childhood places that were a challenge to work with today. My problem is that where I fell was way beyond just the pattern I had experienced this morning. All of a sudden, I found myself in almost a catatonic state, a state of numbness, having only the light patterns between my fingers giving any stimulation at all. There was no desire to be or go anywhere else. I didn't feel stuck, although I was. I didn't feel anything. I know this had to be a reversion to early infancy, but I haven't chosen to go back to that place and discover any other things about it. Carole, even though she was in a bad child place herself, did call my name and get eye contact, which was enough to move me from whatever place that was. I haven't returned there, and don't intend to...except maybe in a therapeutic setting. The rest of the night, including class, I was in a place of emotional and psychological instability, although I maintained myself and didn't crash or anything. I know I'm on edge. I know I need some sleep. I know it's reasonable to expect some repercussions because of the chaos at work. But I had hoped I was farther along than this...still falling into pockets of initial-traumatization. In any case, I wanted to write this so there is some record, because I am not writing much. This caught me offguard. And I am also finding that I still have to shift somewhat in order to access certain ways of behaving, or certain ways of knowing; like working academics, as opposed to working shamanistic stuff, as opposed to managing or singing in the choir. I mean, I realize that everyone does this in a sense; for me, it seems to be more tangible, more physical, more complete...although not to the sense, anymore, of being someone else. I am glad that I can write to you of this stuff. I am glad you read it, and understand somewhat what I am talking about. Thank you.
Love and Light,

Nos dda (good night in Welsh)

From: Sue
To: "Devlyn
Subject: Re: crash
Sent: Wednesday, November 22, 2000 6:48 AM

It is good that you have written this down. You will survive. Remember that your expectations are too high as usual. "I thought I was beyond this". Allow what ever happens to just be. Don't judge it. It continues you on the path of healing.

Love, Sue

From: "DevlynRhys Lighthawk"
Sent: Friday, October 13, 2000 4:25 PM

Dear Sue,

I know it's important for me to keep writing what is happening,even if it is only me that gets anything out of it. I am going to watch it when I am "waffling", because it seems to be an indicator of my going to crash time. And I did crash. I was able to talk to Dr. DeStefano, who is both a counselor, my instructor, and my advisor. I have told him about myself, so he is aware and courageously accepting of me, and my MPDness, so to speak. Anyway, after class on Wednesday (10/11), I found myself falling hard, crashing emotionally and psychologically. I was filled with fear, anxiety, and depression, and tears...but of course I didn't cry. I felt like just giving it all up, like just quitting school, and going away, like my whole world was just disintegrating, so to speak. I asked him to confirm, or affirm, my thoughts that is was normal, basically, to encounter such downs after having accomplished some sense of convergence or integration, or rather I said, after making such a high level resolution in therapy. Then I told him about the convergence. It took a lot of courage just to talk to him. But he just had this great genuine smile and said it was just wonderful that I had accomplished what I had. He suggested that it was probably the aftermath of now having to deal with all the emotions, not having them separated out to others. Now I was having to deal with emotions that I couldn't even identify, or understand, or have any knowing of what emotions really were and how they affected me and how to manage them. He said that it was hard to be responsible for emotions you couldn't name or manage, and that perhaps that is what I needed to focus on. Again, he said how great it was that I had achieved this convergence, and he was glad for me. I didn't expect that. It was wonderful to hear. Especially from someone who hasn't been part of this journey from the start. And, also, because there are so many who diminish or disavow this dissociative type of disorder. Anyway, I am still having some troubles with this. Mostly, because I don't know where to go, what to do, as if I have climbed a mountain and said Now what? Yes, there is a lot of waffling now, and I understand in the idea of being unfocused enough that Devlyn cannot be wholly grounded or centered or here...mostly, but not completely...and that allows for other influences to affect my thinking, feeling, and behaving, more than I would like. I am also in the space of wanting to find a job that more truly reflects what I want to do with my life, professionally and otherwise. It leaves me wanting to leave Dennys (only after I have found something that truly resonates for me in this area). Still, I am not functioning crystal clear, and I know that I need to sit patiently until I can ground and center before I make any decisions. Thanks for listening. I can see that my new goal must be on identifying, expressing, and managing my emotions now, without losing sight of what triggers them beyond what is a reasonable reaction or response. I look forward to seeing and hearing from you. Hope you have a safe trip.


Sent : Saturday, October 14, 2000 4:40 PM

I'm glad you were able to talk with Dr. De Stefano. What you are feeling now is "normal" or the aftermath of goal achievement. It is the bodyminds chance to integrate in a new way. It is uncomfortable and you must go through it. Now is not the time to make any decisions other than to study hard and live in the now.

Be well,
Love, Sue