He sauntered into the darkened room shivering from the cold, his brain telling him to run far away from this all too familiar place, his heart telling him that just one drink would ease the pain and warm him up, that’s all it would take to make him feel better. ‘Don’t do it man. You’ve been sober far too long to blow it over something stupid’ his inner voice screamed, where as his heart screamed out, ‘One little drink is not going to hurt you. It’s only going to ease the pain and take the edge off. No big deal.’
Against his better judgment and much to the relief of his tired and aching feet, he went in and sat down in a secluded booth over in the corner. He had been walking the cold Manhattan streets for over an hour trying to decide how to handle his relationship with Leah and he was tired, tired of thinking, tired of hurting inside. He loved her with all of his heart but she had walked away during his stint in rehab.
Well, actually he had pushed her away and broken her heart. She was his soul mate, the one woman who was always there for him during the good times and the worst of times, professing her love and support for him no matter how many times he ignored her, pushed her away from him.. But he hadn’t wanted to see that. All he could see was that the bottle was safe, comforting, and that she was too good for him. During his darkest of hours he felt that the best thing he could do for Leah was to make her see what a loser he was and end their relationship. The last words she spoke to him echoed throughout his restless mind as he remembered a time not too long ago.
“Anytime you feel like you
just can’t hold on,
just hold on to my love and I’ll help you be strong.
But you’re so afraid to lose
and baby I can’t reach your heart
I can’t face this world that’s keeping us apart
When I can be the one to show you,
Everything you missed before
Just hold onto my love, cause I can be the one to give you more.”
As he glanced up, his eyes trying to focus in the dim light of the bar, fighting back the tears the threatened to spill over, he couldn’t help but notice that the petite brunette waitress that suddenly appeared at his table wore too much make-up. She was unlike Leah, who had a natural beauty about her and wore little more than mascara on her long lashes and lipgloss on her soft pouty lips. He had instantly been attracted to her beauty, her long chocolate colored hair that hung down the middle of her back and her emerald green eyes that danced when she spoke. But it had been her smile and her kind heart that kept him coming back for more, long after she had turned him down the very first time he had asked her out.
“Excuse me? Are you drinking or are you waiting for someone?” the waitress asked with a slight irritation to her nasal voice, making him realize that this was now a win or lose situation. He either had to fight with all of his heart and soul to resist the temptation to drink or lose himself in the alcohol and give up everything he wanted out of life for one bitter taste.
“Umm, not sure. Give me a minute” he stammered, hoping that sheer will power and the hope of what he could accomplish sober would get him through the next hour. Hell, what he really needed was to get through the next ten minutes.
He laid his head on the table and allowed his mind to drift back to a happier time in his life when he would sit at this very booth and wait for Leah to get off work. Each night the bar would be his hang out, his safe haven for an hour or more until it was time for her to leave, watching as she waited tables, fending off unwanted advances from drunken patrons, always treating everyone equally with a smile and an open mind.
It had been really hard on him to see the way men treated her when they first started dating. They would make unwanted sexual advances and ask her out, but she assured him that she could handle it. It was the same each night, she would call the drunken men a cab, promising to be there the next night when they returned and consider it a favor to all of those on the road that she had just saved. She simply had a heart of gold and with each passing day, he fell deeper in love with her. She was honest, beautiful and trustworthy, everything he wanted in a woman, everything he needed in the crazy world he lived in.
“I look into your eyes, and
I feel it coming through
And I can’t help but want you, more than I want to.
So baby, take all of your fears and cast them all on me.
Cause all I ever wanted was just to make you see
That I could be the one to give you
All that you’ve been searching for
Just hold onto my love, and baby let me give you more
You know, Anytime.”
His mind drifting back to the days spent with Leah by his side, a love that he was afraid was now lost forever, he fell asleep, exhausted from second guessing the decisions he had made over the last few months and the ache in his heart. The bartender, who had recognized him from the days when Leah was in college and working part time at the bar, picked up the phone and called her to let her know that he was there.
“Anytime you need love baby,
I’m on your side.
Just let me be the one, I can make it alright.
Anytime you need love baby, you’re in my heart.
I can make it alright.”
Leah walked in to the bar, her eyes searching for him. He was exactly where she had hoped that he wouldn’t be, in the booth where he had always waited for her. Mike, the bartender hadn’t said whether or not he had been drinking and she feared the worst seeing his head lying on the table. She hoped that he was only sleeping, surely he wasn’t passed out!
Slowly, she made her way over to him and gently laid her hand on his shoulder. He raised his head, confused as to where he was and looked around. When their eyes met, she knew that he had simply been sleeping and she felt a great sense of relief.
The surprise and obvious multitude of other emotions were evident as his eyes mirrored hers. In just a split second she could see, surprise... pain... love... lust and despair dancing across the striking features that she so loved. How she wanted desperately to be his lover, his best friend and confidant once again. She wanted it more than he would ever know, could ever imagine, but he had pushed her away.
“And now there’s no way out
And I can’t help the way I feel
Cause baby you’re the fire and I’ll be waiting right here
You know my love is real, baby
Yeah, yeah, yeah.”
“Are you okay?” she asked softly, absently reaching out to touch his face.
He surprised her by pulling her body close to him, his lips just inches from hers as his eyes shed the tears he had been holding all night at the sight of her standing before him, wanting to know that he was all right.
Leah reached to brush them away but he stopped her, taking her hand and pressing it against his lips. “How did you know that I was here? And why would you come after what I did to you?” he asked, still ashamed of his senseless behavior.
Her own tears threatening to fall, she whispered, “Mike called me. I came because I still love you, Alex. I don’t think that will ever change.”
“Leah, I wasn’t thinking straight. I thought you deserved better and I didn’t know if I could ever be whole without the alcohol. But now that I’m sober again, I can’t imagine my life without you. You ARE my life, baby. That’s why I came here tonight. I needed to be close to you, to be close to what we shared and to figure out a way to make it right again.”
The tears she had been holding spilled forth as she kissed his lips, now salty with tears of his own. It was something she had wanted to do for months. Something she planned on doing from now on, as long as he wanted and needed her.
“Anytime you need love baby
I’m on your side, you know
Just let me be the one, I can make it alright (I can make it alright)
Anytime you need love baby, you’re in my heart
I can make it alright, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
* ‘Anytime’ written by Sam Watters/Louis Biancaniello and recorded by Kelly Clarkson