TOP 10 SIGNS BRITNEY SPEARS IS NOT A VIRGIN
10. Showed up for "Got Milk?" photo shoot already
wearing a white mustache.
9. Bicycle seat is "ribbed for her pleasure."
8. Group dates no longer include other girls.
7. Can eat a banana in one bite.
6. Suspicious whistling sound as she walks.
5. Finally gets all of those jokes about the wet spot.
4. Doing splits onstage not such a hard move anymore.
3. That's not silicone leaking from her breasts.
2. A woman with an intact hymen just doesn't make noises like that.
1. Pap smear echoes.
Ten things that piss me off (Adam Sandler)
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask
where the bathroom is?
2. The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no dick.
3. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
4. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too." Fuck off. What good is a goddamn cake you can't eat?
5. When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
6. When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No dicknose, I paid $7.50 to come to the theatre and stare at frikken ceiling up there.
7. The radio ad "Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't drink and drive. I don't". Well, I hope you don't drive sober either Mr. Healey.You're blind for God's sake!
8. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?
9. When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
10. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know asshole you fucking pulled me over!
THINGS TO DO IN AN ELEVATOR:
1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock.
Smile, and go back for more.
3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.
5) Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your
friend. After awhile, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"
6) Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"
7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
8) Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.
9) Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.
10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking.
11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"
13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, they open up again."
15) Swat at flies that don't exist.
16) Tell people that you can see their aura.
17) Call out, "group hug!", then enforce it.
18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and
muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"
19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"
20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM!" and back away slowly.
22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.
24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I have new socks on."
26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is my personal space!"
THE WORLD'S THINNEST BOOKS
------------------------------------
20-MY BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno
19- HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE by John Denver
18-MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS by Dan Marino
17-THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton
15- THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD by Bill Gates
14-THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman
13-THE WILD YEARS by Al Gore
12-AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC by Amelia Earhart
11-AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
10-DETROIT a travel guide
9- A COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES by Dr. J. Kevorkian
8- EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
7- EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
6- ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE by Ellen de Generes
5- MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
4- SPOTTED OWL RECIPES by the EPA
3- THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
2- MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O.J. Simpson
And the World's Number One Thinnest Book...1. MY BOOK OF MORALS by Bill Clinton with introduction by the
Rev-Father Jessie Jackson
You May Need A New Doctor If...
** During surgery he has to keep repeating that "thigh bone connected to the knee bone" song.
** The patient before you was a dog.
** The local bar association named him "client of the year."
** All his Medical books are from the Time-Life
"Do-it-Yourself Series".
** Whenever he leaves the room his nurse makes duck noises.
** The 60 Minutes crew are hanging out in his waiting room.
** He asks you to turn your head and cough during an eye exam.
** He has an assistant named Igor.
** You can beat him in a game of Operation.
** He has an office sharing arrangement with a mortician.
You Might Be From North Carolina If...
*You've never met ANY celebrities
*"Vacation" means goin' through Rocky Mount on the way to Kings Dominion
*You've seen all the biggest bands...ten years after their last hit
*You measure distance in minutes
*Down South to you means South Carolina
*You know Pepsi originated in New Bern, Cheerwine in Salisbury, and that Mountain Dew was invented in Fayetteville
*You know Coke tastes better in the little bottles and that peanuts make coke taste even better
*You have an opinion about UNC. You went there and loved it, or you hate everyone who did
*Your folks have taken trips to the mountains to look at leaves
*Your school took a field trip to the State Fair in Raleigh
*You would elect Richard Petty or Ric Flair for governor if he ever ran
*You watched as Dale Earnhardt was the only man who ever lived who could go 200 mph, spin somebody out, flip them the bird, call them a you-know-what, and win the race all in the last lap
*You skipped school to go to Dale Earnhardt's memorial service
*Your friends have to buy gloves and winter coats if they go to college at Appalachian or Western Carolina
*You know a bunch of people who have hit a deer
*You know a few that have also hit a bear
*You remember watching the ACC Tournament on television at school
*The local newspaper covers state, national, and international headlines in one page, but sports require six pages
*Most men in town consider the first day of deer season a national holiday
*Fifty degrees Fahrenheit is "a little chilly"
*You have no problem spelling or pronouncin' "Conetoe" or "Top Sail"
*Your school classes were canceled because of cold
*Your school classes were canceled because of heat
*Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waitin' to pass a tractor on the highway
*Your school classes were canceled because of a hurricane
*Your school classes were canceled because of hunting
*Your school classes were canceled because of a livestock show
*You've rode the school bus for an hour...each way
*Brown Liquor is a household staple
*You know more about ACC basketball than professional basketball
*You know everyone claims to hate Senator Jesse Helms but somehow he has never lost an election
*You know the Carolina League is the greatest baseball league in the country
*You think South Carolina was dead weight well shed
*You know tea is served sweet unless you specifically asked for unsweetened
*You've ever had to switch from "Heat" to "A/C" in the same day
*You think ethanol makes your truck run a lot better
*Stores don't have bags...they have sacks and are called Piggly Wigglys
*You see people wearing bib overalls at funerals
*You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it no matter what time of the year
*You end your sentences with a preposition, for example, "Where's my coat at?" "What's that made out of?"
*All the festivals around the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, or tobacco
*Priming was your first job...and you know what it means
*Your idea of a really great tenderloin is when the meat is twice as big as the bun and comes with cole slaw on top
*You say catty-wampus, yunto, ill-ass, and ah-ite.
*You know the difference between a deer dog, a bear dog and a coon dog by the way they bark
*You put security lights on your house and your garage and leave both of them unlocked
*Your four seasons are almost summer, summer, still summer, and highway construction
*You can tell if another North Carolinian is from Eastern or Western North Carolina as soon as he opens his mouth
*You know Krispy Kreme makes the best doughnuts!
*You can spell words such as Ocracoke, Fuquay-Varina, and Chocowinity
*You know the best BBQ is found in Lexington
*You think the four major food groups are beef, pork, beer, and Jello salad with marshmallows
*When asked how your trip to any foreign, exotic place was you say, "It was different"
*Hyde County is considered a foreign or exotic place
*In the Piedmont, you see all the grown-ups go out and play in the snow
*Schools and churches hold barbecue fundraisers with banana puddin' as the dessert
*Your folks would rather eat at Bojangles's than McDonald's
*You have actually uttered the phrase "It's too hot to go to the pool"
*You consider being a "Pork Queen" an honor.
*You carry jumper cables in your car.
*You know the following: Duke- Smart Asses, State- Farmer's Kids,Carolina- Preps, ECU- Drunks.
*You faithfully drink Pepsi or Mt. Dew everyday of your life.
*You know what "cow tipping" is.
*You have your own secret bbq sauce.
*You or your neighbors have more hunting dogs than you have family members.
*You visit the NC State Fair mainly to see your neighbor's prize chicken.
*You show this to some NC friends 'cuz ya know it's true, darlin'