Channel 4's "Big Boulder"
Host :
Davina
McCall
Contestants : A motley conglomeration of rock-jockeys. Names have been changed into something
vaguely
resembling the cast of Reservoir Dogs in order to protect the
libellous
(Cue Circus Theme Music)
Day 1: Big Boulder
holds an inaugural barbeque while Davina McCall greets all the new contestants.
gets an employee discount at Oddbins and is therefore nominated to sneak out of
"The Compound" to go purchase the beer. On his way out he crumbles up a
blueberry muffin so that he can leave a trail of crumbs leading him back to the
building.
Everyone eats well at the barbeque except for
who's an unrepentant, herbivorous vegetarian vegan who doesn't eat any meat.
Finally - on the brink of starvation -
resorts to eating the strewn crumbs from the scattered blueberry muffin. As an
inevitable result of this
gets lost coming back from Oddbins and ends up somewhere in Addis-Ababa. The
remaining contestants anxiously await alcohol that never arrives. A dark rhubarb of
dissent abounds. Indeed, an almost palpably homicidal (and/or herbicidal) air pervades throughout the labyrinthine corridors. In short, tensions brew.
Day 2: Davina McCall
begins to fear for her life. As a direct result of alcohol deprivation, everyone
becomes depressed and irritable except for
who gets voted off for being too relatively cheerful and so heads off to do a
spot of coarse-fishing instead. Fortunately for the remaining alcohol-deprived
contestants,
was out on a heavy drinking session the night before the show started and so she charitably volunteers
to donate transfusions of her alcohol-enriched O+ to everyone in the Survey.
Day 3:
Davina McCall swears on live television in front of 15 million viewers. After
about fifty blood transfusions are complete
is barely able to stand but more importantly neither is anyone else. The onset
of De-Toxic Shock amongst her housemates seems to have abated now and all
contestants are showing signs of a full recovery including, inexplicably, those
whose blood-types aren't even in the same alphabet as hers. Davina McCall fires
the reality-show scriptwriters.
Day 4: Davina McCall
starts drinking heavily before arriving to work at Channel 4 studios. She
observes that all the Big Boulder contestants are still just as intoxicated as
she is. Davina throws a major wobbler and angrily renounces all future plans to
host another, single reality-TV show inspired by an Orwellian dystopia unless
perhaps it's something cuddly based on Animal Farm and she can get Jade back to play
Napoleon. Producers tell her not to worry, that, as there are only 90
contestants in 'Big Boulder' her contract with the show will expire in
considerably less than two years from now assuming of course a consistant
eviction rate of one contestant per week. Davina downs four bottles of Jack
Daniels while she allows this to sink in. No sooner has it sunk in when
somehow wanders back into the Big Boulder household to voluntarily reincarcerate himself in spite of
being evicted a mere two days previously.
Day 5: Davina sobs
uncontrollably in front of 15 hundred viewers. As a uniquely sane contestant of
'Big Boulder',
stages a spectacular escape bid. He leaves the upstairs taps overflowing for a
while; grabs his canoe; paddles down the stairway; gets as far as reception;
realises he's forgotten something; paddles back up the stairway; grabs his
car-keys; grabs the missus and then paddles back downstairs where he bursts
through the revolving doors and away to freedom.
Later on,
asks Davina McCall if she's having a nervous breakdown, and if so, would she
care to discuss the issue with him in an exclusive interview for the popular
environmental periodical 'The Shrieking Commentator'. Davina replies by
shrieking at him. She then clambers up the five flights of stairs and threatens to
leap from the roof before being delicately and painstakingly coaxed down by trained negotiators over the course of several hours.
Seizing any opportunity for a hat-trick,
asks her the same question again twice.
Day 6: Davina goes
off the rails. She grabs a rifle she's found lying about in Cartography, storms
outside, and starts taking pot-shots at the GSI. At one point she hits
on the head but luckily he's protected by that cycling helmet he still wears to
hide his haircut. Realising the building is under attack,
dons a black beret and field-marshals the contestants together. He arms each of
them with a genuine hand-produced Scandinavian dagger and commands them to take out
all enemy surveillance points. The Big Boulder contestants destroy all cameras
in the compound like Jodie Foster in Panic Room. With no internal footage
available, Channel 4 producers desperately attempt to continue the show
regardless by surrounding the GSI with external secondary-unit camera crews.
Possibly inspired by Mel Gibson's army in Braveheart, a couple of inmates
respond by baring their bottoms against the window.
Day 7: Davina finally gets hauled away by
the MIW (Men In White) on live television in front of 15 viewers to be
consigned indefinitely to the nearest Home for the Bewildered. The serene smile
on her face occasioned by a hastily-administered Thorazine jab dissolves
instantly as soon as she realises where that is...
On a positive note
she's beginning to learn a great deal about geomorphology, and such like.
Schedule of Programmes for Next Week:
19:00 Changing Departments. Carol Smilie and her team visit the GSI
and surprise someone by giving the reception area a glittery new look.
19:30 FILM: Shallow Grave
21:00 Our House. Duncan Stewart gets called to the GSI to build a very large patio.
