bio...who am i?


crazy drunken writings





this is a story i wrote while i was baby-sitting. i was so bored, but i didn't want to play with them, so i told them i had homework. its the one way that they'll live me alone, damn demons. this is what came out that night.....

there's nothing like the sound of the ocean crashing at your feet, especially when you've just had your ears re-attached. this is the story of squid, the cowardly gas station attendant.

a year ago, squid was cleaining out the gas station bathroom, when he heard what sounded like footsteps behind him. the hairs on the back of squid's neck slowly prickled. his pale skin became shiney from his pores opening up. he tried to swallow the lump in his throat, but there wasn't even enough moisture in his mouth to wet his tongue. he blinked his hazel eyes, and turned to look over his left shoulder. what stood behind him would send any man screaming in the opposite direction. squid's shakey hand dropped the mop he was holding, and it clattered on the green tile. the woman that stood behind him was one nostril shannon.

one nostril shannon looked directly at squid's ears. her light red hair was illuminated by the blinking lightbulb hanging from the dingy ceiling. her brilliant green eyes locked on to their target like an eagle. her fingernails were long and painted green. her sweatshirt and sweatpants disguised a musculed body ready for action. and ear cutting action is what she came for.

squid's heart jumped into his throat, and he angrily tried to shove it back down, but it stubbornly refused to move. he watched as one nostril shannon raised a painted fingernail and pointed to her missing nostril.

everyone knew shannon lost her right nostril in a golf tournament. either that or it was from years of doing coke. any-who, she became furious when people looked at it. squid knew his fate was sealed.

shannon's eyes widened, and she reached for the rusty blade she cleverly hid inside her ked's. she tackled squid (she's a former full contact dart champion) and knocked him onto the mildew covered floor. clutching her rusty blade she quickly did away with squid's ears. one nostril shannon jumped out the window and left without saying a word.

"well," thought squid, "at least i can whisper secrets to myself." and he promptly passed out, right under the leaky pipe.

he awoke bandadged in a blindingly white hospital room. the hospital was not high on extra ears, due to one nostril shannon's doings. (damn her!) they put squid's name on a list and informed him that they would write him (they couldn't very well call him) when they found some replacement ears.

that was a year ago. squid smiled and touched his freshly attached ears. they were from a 70 year old that was brutally attacked by a platypus. (there are some crazy disgruntled platypuses out there. pay attention to where your children are playing) he loved them, even though they had a hint of a top ramen smell to them. squid wouldn't trade his ears for anything, not even a barrel of corn. then, he felt the presence. only the precense that could have been created by one nostril shannon. he whipped around so fast that his ring pop fell right off his pinky. shannon was no where to be found. all there was was a handwritten note by his feet.

love the new ears. see you soon

heart, shannon