Marvel at the Nerd as he wins, yet again
![]()
At the PPV, the nerd will prove
one more time, as if it needed proving that he is
The Pokemon master
[Scene opens backstage outside a dressing room, on the door there is a big gold star, and the camera moves backwards to show two rows of policemen, standing at ease, when Suddenly Sir Ralph dressed in a white open colored t-shirt and a pair of red clacks, and a blonde wig in a side shade walks on, he walks slowly up to the door and knocks on it.]
Sir Ralph; Pi-Ka-chu pika!
[The door opens almost straight away and the policemen stand at attention, and a man with a towel over his head walks out of the room, he walks down the corridor and the police flank him, a few other superstars walk up the cortege and look at it funny and then walk on again, as they near the arena a drum, constant low chanting can be heard, the scene cuts to the arena, the fans are standing and waving signs all over the place, the camera cuts to ringside and King and JR (((OOC; Yeah this is wrong in every sense of the word but mah)))))).]
J.R. This capacity stadium is on it’s feet, and they are waiting the arrival of one man and one man only!
King; Yeah listen to there chants, they’re chanting for….
J.R. King this capacity crowd is gonna lift the arena and they’re gonna do it for this man the man who needs no introduction, the man simply known as….
[A large fountain of continuos pyrotechnics shoot up from the top of the ramp, the crowd chant louder and suddenly a figure appears in the pyrotechnics. The figure stands there and after a few seconds the pyrotechnics die down.]
Crowd; [chanting loudly] Nerdberg, Nerdberg, Nerdberg….
King; J.R. he’s really here!
[The nerd is standing at the top of the ramp in a pair of rather unflattering black wresting trunks and boots and not much else, he is still wearing his glasses, he gives out a huge cough and a puff of smoke comes out of his mouth, Sir Ralph quickly hands him his in-hailer, the Nerd takes to sharp puffs then Sir Ralph notices a spark has caught in the Nerds hair and a small fire has started, Sir Ralph begins to try to pat it out but the fire gets larger, a stage hand runs on with a fire extinguisher and sprays the nerds head with it. He is now standing there with white foam all over his head. He turns towards the ring and throws his right arm back over his shoulder and instantly pulls it back and holds onto his elbow, Sir Ralph quickly hands him a Pokemon bandaid, he takes off the wrapping and pits it on, he then tries it with the other arm and then clutches his shoulder in pain, Sir Ralph quickly takes out a bandage and bandages up his arm. The Nerd then favoring his left side now gets into the ring. He walks over to the corner and grabs the top rope, he pulls it down and begins to try and shake it, nothing happens, he then pulls it back as far as it can and it snaps back into place pulls him forwards a few stumbling feet. The crowd continue to chant…Nerdberg, Nerdberg, Nerdberg. Sir Ralph hands him a mic.]
J.R.; King we are very honored the king of the jobbers is going to address us.
King; The man simply known as Nerdberg!
[The Nerd lifts his arm over his head and motions to the crowd the chanting dies down, he lifts the mic and begins to talk in a very butch voice.]
Nerd; You know I have been around the place and…
Crowd; [interrupting] Nerdberg, Nerdberg, Nerdberg!
Nerd; You know I have been around the place and I have noticed a thing or two that many of you fans never get the chance to see, for example did you know that Vanity has a teddybear called Bunnykins that he won’t go to an arena without….or for example that the Renegade has worn the same Jock-strap since high school because he thinks it ‘s lucky, or for example that Ms Phillips was born…well was born with something to swing, a grand dingle dangle if you will!
[a lot of the technical staff have a look of shock and disgust come over their face and they begin spitting to get the taste out of their mouths, suddenly we hear king spitting.]
King; I don’t believe eugh! I can’t believe that shemale kissed me!
[J.R. is secretly doing it too, Sir Ralph is also in the ring trying to get his hands into the mouth of the Pikachu costume to scrape it out of his mouth, 3 fans do it also.]
Nerd; Yeah, very friendly woman, but let me put it this way, I have the power to hurt you when I want to, it’s a disgusting world back there and trust me you ain’t seen the half of it! But I have, I have looked into the face of ugliness, of everything that is wrong with America and it all resides back there [points up the ramp and into the back] And tonight, the parade of human oddities, the festival of the trans-mundane, well that's what we have to call it these days to be nice, cos frankly FREAK SHOW ain’t a nice term. But tonight the leader of the merry band of misfits known as The Hardcore Addicz, and that man is the Crippler, so tonight right here, Crippler you may thing you are their leader, you may think you are going to come and cripple Nerdberg, [crowd chant Nerdberg again, they die down after a few seconds] you may THINK you are coming here to win, but to me Crippler, you are none of those things, you are not smart, you are not strong, you are not a leader, nor are you going to cripple me here tonight. Oh no, Crippler to the man simply known as Nerdberg you are one thing and one thing only, YOU’RE NEXT!
[Nerd coughs and a small lump of chicken comes out onto the mat, he lifts the mic again and his voice is back to it’s normal annoying high pitched squeak.]
Nerd; Oh that's better, I was beginning to sound like one of those Neanderthals in the back! But you see I am out here tonight not only to talk about my match tonight with the man known as the Crippler, not only that but I am out here tonight to discuss the previous week in the life of the man known as the nerd. You know when I walk into an arena and I receive that kind of welcome, the kind of welcome Mark Hammil would receive at a Star Wars convention, and trust me it is, it makes me fell all kinda warm and gooey inside, because a little under two weeks ago I was a no-body much like this guy here [points to a guy in the front row], come up here sir…
Kig; Huh? What? Pick me pick me instead, these bumpkins probably don’t know how to harangue.,
J.R. What?
King; J.R. you stupid under educated yokel, it means to talk! Sheesh!
[The guy gets into the ring, he jumps around a bit and the crowd cheer him, he walks around the ring a few times, then the Nerd grabs him by the arm and stands him beside him. The guy looks around the place.]
Nerd; What’s your name fella?
Guy; Dougal.
Nerd; Dougal that's a very nice name where is it from?
Dougal; What?
Nerd; Where is your name from?
Dougal; Me mam.
Nerd; What? You don’t seem to understand….
Dougal; Yeah…I get that a lot!
Nerd; So Dougal what do you do for a living?
Dougal; Ummm….I don’t know.
Nerd; Well you seem to be wearing a dog collar, so I’m guessing your priest.
Dougal; A Jesus, I’m still a priest!
Nerd; So are you here with anyone tonight Dougal?
Dougal; Yeah a few of my friends down there in the front row.
[The nerd looks down and nods his head he looks back when]
Voice from the front row; DRINK! FECK!
[Nerd looks again and he shakes his head and returns to Dougal.]
Nerd; So Dougal, have you heard anything about my opponent tonight, the Crippler?
Dougal; Yeah I was talking to my friend the other day and he’s a very scary man!
Nerd; [nods his head] How so?
Dougal; Well they say he’s as big as four men, and he has a retractable leg so he can leap up at you better, and you know what? He lights up at night! And eh…he’s got four ears, two are for listening with and the other two are kind of…back-up ears! And his hands are as big as cups…and, and, and, for some reason he has a tremendous fear of stamps, and Mrs. Doyle was telling me it has magnets in it’s feet, so if you’re made of metal he can attach himself to you , and instead of a moth he’s got 4 arses! And he only has one nostril, and he doesn’t have eyebrows…except on Saturdays! And his left eye disappears when he’s eating, and and and and and and…..[he’s getting rather out of breath and excited now]
Nerd; Whoa there big fella!
Dougal, Sorry Ted it’s just sometimes I get carried away….
Nerd; What? Ted? I’m not Ted….
Dougal; [smiles in a rather wry and non-understanding way] What? Ah come on now Ted!
Nerd; Ok tell you what…you go on back to your seat now and enjoy the show.
Dougal; Ok so Ted, see ya later.
[Dougal walks down out of the ring and climbs over the crowd barrier and falls on his face, the nerd looks at him funny and shakes his head. The Nerd lifts the mic.]
Nerd; Now Crippler, it doesn’t matter what you have fooled all these hill Billy, dumb ass under educated bums into thinking, because frankly I saw through your little veneer, and I have seen you for what you are, a little man in a world full of men and nerds, and frankly crippler you are scared, because in a world full of men and Nerds you don’t fit into either side and that scares you straight to your soul. And tonight you will find out that when you step into the ring with me I am not man, I am not mouse I am NERD! Crippler, I see that you have a little…well back-up in the shape of the rest of your band of punks, freaks, drop-outs, morons, cave-men and misfits, namely, Rob, No-Man, Dark Angel, and the other one who’s name isn’t important enough to remember. But Crippler this match tonight, is between 2 men, if you look closely it is booked as The Nerd versus the crippler, it isn’t the Hardcore Addicz versus the Nerd it isn’t Crippler and No Man versus the Nerd. Hell no tonight’s match is one on one right here in this very ring [snort], so if you keep your little friends in the back we’ll both be very happy men. Now as I was saying before, just a little under two weeks ago I was no-one I used to walk down the street and no-one recognised me, no-one knew me and no-one certainly knew my name, but now, my meteoric rise to fame, like a pidgeotto’s rise into the sky with one majestic flap of it’s roughly 1:75 meter wings, my meteoric rise here in ECWF has brought me fame, it’s brought me money, but most of all, it has brought me respect, from people who used to beat me up in high school, from other wrestlers, from commentators, but most of all from the fans of ECWF. And frankly without them behind me each and ever night I don’t think I would be where I am today, and that is rising above my level in life and climbing the ladder of ECWF, rung by rung by rung. Why look at this past week alone, during the past 7 days I have remained unbeaten, I have faced 4 men who are considered to be among the top of the professional wrestling circuit, and I beat them, I faced the current champion the renegade, and I beat him, I faced Vanity, and I beat him, I faced Silver Strike, a man who your stable has struggled with, and I beat him, I faced Michael James and I beat him. I’m sure even the most simple minded of people have spotted a pattern here, right now the Nerd is unbeatable, right now stepping into the ring one on one with the nerd is like a Caterpie trying to beat an Onix, frankly it ain’t gonna happen. Because not only am I the ultimate, most extreme Pokemon master ever, but I am on my way to being a champion in my own right here in ECWF, and crippler, I am building up the speed of a Hitmonlee, my run in ECWF is building up the momentum of a Golem doing roll attack and frankly that is not something you or anyone you know wants to get in the way of, so let me ask you this Mr Crippler….if that is your real name. If there were a down-town bus speeding down the road would you step in front of it? If a train was going past a station, would you put yourself in front of it? When a wrecking ball hits a building on TV, do you often find yourself thinking, oh, I wish that were me instead of that building? Oh well allow me to make an assumption here and assume that you are not a total and utter cheese head and I’m gonna say that you don’t but yet tonight when you turn up to the arena you are doing just that by stepping into the ring with the man simply known as the Nerd.
J.R. King as much as a lot of people hate to admit it, in the past week the nerd has gained a hell of a lot of respect here in ECWF!
King; And rightly so J.R.!
Nerd; Now, Crippler, you claim you have done injury to people, you claim that you have broken bones, and as your name suggests, you claim to have the ability, the power, the precision and the skill to cripple someone. Well I have done a little research, and I found out a few quantitative facts to the contrary of your claims, in order to break a persons bone in a human body, bear in mind this is one bone, you have to exert a force similar to 280lbs per square inch, but not only that, in order to break a bone it must be exerted on an area no bigger than 0. 01cm cubed, so in other words, an area smaller than the cuticle of a nail. Now Crippler o you still think you can be that exact in your beatings so that you can break someone’s bone. And I’m not finished I still have a few more facts for you, in order to cripple someone you must break all 5 bones in each leg and their pelvis at the same time, now baring in mind that the human thigh bone is about as thick as your wrist and is solid bone, and therefore one hell of a lot harder to break. So Crippler answer me this…do you still think you can cripple people? Huh? Do you tough guy? Well I’ll tell you what, how about we find out just that tonight at Crash Corse. Hmmm, when I come to the ring here in ECWF…I Dunno it’s hard to explain, I get a buzz, not like the buzz I got when I hacked into the NASA mainframe and changed the outgoing message to ‘The truth is out there, keep watching the Ski’s…Mulder was right’ hehe [snort] oh the memories of past conquests. But anyway that's another story for another time, when I come here to ECWF, and when I walk out from behind those curtains and the warm balmy air of the arena hits me, when the flash photography starts, I don’t think ‘these people don’t seem to understand that due to the solaric nature of flash cameras the arena is too big for them to actually work’ which is what I would normally think, what I think is, these people are here to see, me. They have paid money they worked hard to earn or steal to see me. And that just gets me stoked, I look down into the ring and I am here, I have arrived and I am ready to give it my all, it lights my internal flame sack and suddenly I change from a tiny frightened Charmander, behind the curtain to a raging powerful and unstoppable Charizard, my flame burns brighter and I feel on top of the damn world. And crippler if you think you can beat that feeling, if you think u can single-handily beat a Charizard, then by all means TRY!
J.R. King the nerd seems really fired up!
King, I believe in you Nerd, jump
J.R. Ummm that's free Willie King.
King; OOPS. Hehe!
[Sir Ralph grabs the mic from the nerd, the fans cheer, Sir Ralph raises his arm above his head and nods, the fans chant, he pulls his arm down and the chants stop suddenly, he raises the mic to his lips.]
Sir Ralph; Pik..pika. Pikachu, chu chu chu, pika pi? Pika pik pika chu chu pikachu chu chu pika pi!
[nerd laughs childishly, and Sir Ralph hands him the mic back]
J.R What the hell was that?
King; J.R. you simpleton, get with the 21st century, Sir Ralph is a Pokemon he speaks Pokemoneese.
Nerd; You liar sir Ralph, you never did that to his mother, and I’m sure she is a woman of good standing and doesn’t do…that kinda thing, for money, shame on you [snort]wash your mouth out with soap!
King; Does I for money? Haha!
Nerd; No tonight Crippler, it’ll be me and you in Pidgeotto’s journeys match, and frankly once we come away from the hardcore matches, the scaffold matches, and all the matches which involve whacking each other around the head with metal objects, then suddenly someone will find himself a long way out his league, suddenly it’ll be the Oilers against the Farmersville Gators, and it will be a walk over. Once we move into the realm of having to think then the Nerd wins every-time! And best of all Crippler this match will have Pokemon tied into it in some way shape of form, and you know now that I am the ultimate Pokemon master and I know everything about them, how to raise, train, breed, fight, them I eat, sleep and breath Pokemon, and tonight I will not even break a sweat, I will come down to the ring and I will beat you, both in a Pokemon show-down or an actual match and I will walk away victorious. Now admittedly Crippler you do know a little more about the mon which we call Poke, but your knowledge is that of a parent who got dragged to a convention, or a person who overheard people talking in school, but there are some of the inner mysteries of Pokemon which I know and you will never know for example, name the 4 Pokemon that only evolve to their final stage through Trading? What is the only way to catch a Mew in Pokemon Blue? Which Pokemon has a strength value of 267 at level 100, if raised with rare candies as opposed to 387 when raised by hand? Hmmm? Think you know about Pokemon now do you? I could answer any of those questions and more. I have painstakingly studied every Pokemon there is, I know their strengths, their, weaknesses, their best quality, their most effective attack on an opponent by type, I know every possible battle strategy, from the Arabian night style to the lassie faire approach. So crippler, I don’t go around telling everyone I know what you know and I can do what you do so I would appreciate it if you didn’t do it to me because frankly you are embarrassing yourself in front of all these people. And tonight Crippler when you get into thre ring with the Nerd I will give you a Crash Corse in Pokemon, and I will make it a lesson you will learn and learn well! So tonight Crippler you will find out why I am the king of Pokemon and why I am the ultimate Master, because tonight you will find out it is the REVENGE OF THE NERDS!
J.R. King Crash corse is gonna be a hell of an event and frankly I can’t wait!
King; That makes two of us J.R. that makes two of us.
[He drops the mic and him and sir Ralph jump about the ring, Nerd falls over and Sir Ralph picks him up, after a few minutes the cameraman gets bored and the scene cuts to black.]
How do you rate The Nerd?
