Thanks: to Brit, my better half. I live for eclipses. And for Andy, coz even though he knows he's wasting his time, I love him anyway. Come back to Dublin, first round's on me, mate.

//wash my hands of crimes
pour the water over
my skin, my spine
cleanse my soul and ease my mind//

When we get to Giles' Xander, Anya, Red and Tara are the only other ones there. It could just be my imagination, but the tempereature drops drastically when I walk into the room, and judging by the way their conversation just stopped, I'm guessing I was under discussion.

"Buffy, Giles called, he's gonna be a little late." Red informs her.

"Well it's not like we've got anywhere better to be." B says as she sits down. "Where is he now?"

"At your Mom's." Xander says. Suddenly I don't think B wants to know what's delayed him. "Anyone want a drink?" he asks, getting up to go into the kitchen.

"I'll give you a hand." I say, standing too. I guess I'm gonna have to have this conversation with him sooner or later, and after what happened with Buffy earlier I'm kinda on a roll with the whole clearing the air thing. He wants to argue, but B shoots him a look so he mumbles "sure".

In the kitchen he keeps his back to me and starts pouring juice.

"Xander... can we talk?"

"I'm gonna go with no. Best as I can remember, last time I wanted to talk you ended up strangling me so... definitely a no."

"I... Xander would you look at me for a minute?"

Finally he stops and turns around. It's obvious he's uncomfortable being alone in the same room as me. Can't particularly blame him seeing as how I did try to kill him and all.

"When you came round that night... I didn't know how to deal, okay. You were reaching out and I didn't know how to handle that. Usually with guys I've been with it's a 'get some, get gone' situation, and then you show up and... well, it kinda threw me."

Coz guys don't care. They can like you, they can want you, they can screw you, but they can't care. Just the way it is.

"I mean, that's no excuse for trying to strangle you, and I'm sorry. That was... well, I guess out of line is an understatement, but... you're a nice guy, Xander. And truth is I'm not all that used to nice guys."

He still looks at me skeptically. "Why did you come back here, Faith? Why put yourself through all of this? Why put *us* through all of this?"

//i've been fixed on all the damage done
why do i always forget how far i've come?

i'm done dying for the past
i'm done dying for the past//

"Because for once I want to do the right thing. And I know you may find that hard to believe, 'specially given my track record and all but... I know I hurt you, all of you. And I know it's not gonna be easy to make things right. But I want to try."

Well, they're some of the reasons at least. The main reason is sitting in the next room.

"I'd like to believe you, Faith, I really would. But it's kinda hard to trust someone who's spent a whole lot of time making life miserable for the people I love."

"I'm not asking you to trust me, just to give me a chance to show you that I'm straight up."

He's quiet for a minute, but at least it's not an angry silence. Maybe I've gotten through... maybe.

"We should get these inside." He hands me a few glasses and opens the door for me, ending the conversation.

Giles has arrived now and all three of them look up when the door opens. I think they're half expecting to see blood loss of some kind, and Red seems almost disappointed that there was no shouting match.

"Well... is that everyone?" Giles begins.

"Tara can't make it. Is Riley coming?" Willow asks.

"Umm..." B shifts a little uncomfortably in her chair and looks kinda nervous. I wonder what I've missed. "Riley and I... we broke up last night."

Wow! Okay... information here. Deal with information... process... think. This changes a hell of a lot. So what did that kiss mean? Was it a rebound thing, I mean, B's break-up's tend to be somewhat dramatic, was she just reaching out for someone? I was having a hard enough time trying to come to terms with what it meant to me, now i gotta try and figure out what it meant to her? Fuck.

"Buffy? What... when last night?" Willow does the best-friend thing, going over to sit on the arm of B's chair. Buffy's looking at me, trying to catch my eye but I'm still a little stunned by the whole thing.

"He was outside the dorm when I got back." she explains. "We talked... and we broke up."

"Just like that?" Xander asks.

"No... this has been coming for a while. We both knew it I guess. Actually finishing things was just like a... a formailty really."

"I'm sorry." Willow puts a hand on her shoulder.

"Yeah Buff." Xander smiles sympathetically.

"Thanks guys, but really I'm okay with it." she looks my way. "Maybe it's for the best in the long run."

The rest of the meeting is basically Giles laying down the ground rules that mean I can get back to Slaying. B and I have to patrol together as opposed to splitting the territory between us. In Red's words "It's not that we don't trust you... no wait, it *is* that we don't trust you." And I have to report to the G-Man before I go out on patrol. Which is fair enough. Coulda been a lot worse.

I walk out of Giles' with B, Xander and Anya. They're going to Xander's place and the cemetary that me and Buffy are headed to is on the way. The others make small talk. Or rather Anya says very little coz she ain't exactly Miss Social, B seems almost as distracted as I am, so really Xander talks a lot about nothing.

I don't even try to join their attempt at conversation, I'm too lost in my own head, trying to figure out what the hell Buffy's thinking. And I'm having a hard time finding an answer to that.

*<>*<>*<>*<>*

The walk to the cemetary seems to take forever. I wish Xander would stop chattering away, I really need to talk to Faith, alone. I can't believe I didn't tell her about Riley. That was stupid, very stupid. God only knows what she's thinking now.

After what seems like a few centuries we're outside the cemetary gate and Xander and Anya head off leaving us alone. Before I can say anything, Faith jumps the gate and starts walking. Damn. I almost have to run to catch up with her.

"Faith... wait."

She stops and turns to me, waiting for me to catch up. "You could have told me." She's not as angry or accusatorial as I expected, she's more hurt, and that's a whole lot worse. "I mean, I understand, y'know, you just broke up so it's what...? A rebound thing? You just curious? What?"

Her insecurity is in full swing here and I know I have to fix this - fast. She's looking at the ground, the tombstones, anywhere but in front of her.

"Faith, look at me."

Slowly she does, and the vulnerability in her eyes breaks my heart, but I hold her gaze. I have to make her see that I mean this.

"Riley and I... we've been breaking up for the last month, at least. This isn't something that's just suddenly happened and thrown me into confusion. When I kissed you, Faith, what I felt was real. It's not me looking to score on the rebound, it's not me being curious, or confused, or wanting to experiment. It's me wanting you, wanting to be with you. It's me caring about you."

I wait for her to say something. Anything.

"Really?"

God, she sounds so small with that one word. I reach out, pushing the hair back out of her face and resting my hand on her cheek.

"Really."

Hesitantly, she smiles at me. She really does have a beautiful smile, I must make sure I get to see it more often.

"I should have told you about Riley, I'm sorry. There just didn't seem to be a good time."

"Things did happen kinda fast." she says a little ruefully.

"You don't regret it... do you?" I say, only half-teasingly. Now who's being insecure?

And now her smile is an all-out Faith grin as she takes me in her arms and pulls me close.

"What do you think?" she growls with her eyebrow raised

Her mouth is inches away from mine and there's really only one thing you can think in a situation like that.

//say all's forgiven now
let's call it even shall we?
can't you judge me for my love and not mistakes i've made?
i swear by who i am and not by yesterday//

*<>*<>*<>*<>*

I don't know how we did it, but we actually managed to break away from each other long enough to get some slaying done. There were only a couple of vamps to deal with and they were both young, inexperienced, and dead within a couple of minutes. I walked her back to the motel and now we're standing outside her door, as she fishes for her keys.

"So B, you wanna come in?" she has her keys now and the door is open. "I mean... not to... y'know, just..."

I can't help but smile. Faith's actually babbling. It's kinda sweet. "Sure."

The motel room isn't exactly five star accomodation, but there's something intrinsically Faith about the place. It's bare and somewhat stark but at the same time there's something homely about it. It's kinda sad to think that her whole life is in this one room. But I guess this is all she can afford for now, which reminds me...

"I talked to Mom earlier. About the job."

"Yeah?" she shrugs out of her jacket and grabs a couple of soda cans from the fridge. "What's the verdict?"

"You start Monday."

"Really? Wicked. Thanks girlfriend." she toasts me with the soda. "Here's to... new beginnings."

"I'll drink to that."

"I would offer you something a little stronger but I kinda downed the last of it earlier."

I shudder at the memory of the last drinking spree I went on. "That's okay. Me and alcohol have had bad experiences in the past."

"Yeah?"

"Oh yeah. Tree pretty, fire bad."

I laugh at the confused expression on her face. "Never mind. Let's just stay I'm happy to stick to the soft stuff."

"If you say so."

She gets up and puts the radio on, a soft melody in the background.

//you were my wild companion
we were forever high, high, high
we burned the night around us
sleeping could wait until we die//

you wear the scars of passion
and since the crashing came
you've broken every promise
i walked away, hey//

I see the words strike a chord with her too and I hold her hand as she sits back down. She smiles at me and the song goes on.

//i watched you fall
i was blind to ya
was lying to ya

like everybody else who watched you fall
say they love you but they're laughing
laughing when you crawl

it's such a weary feeling
when you've been stealing from yourself
wishing the world away
blaming someone else

no one can do this for you
straighten your head, fix your face
take all the pain inside you
wash it away, hey

did I hear you?
did I try?
can I forgive myself for
not standing by

i watched you fall
i was blind to ya
was lying to ya

like everybody else who watched you fall
say they love you but they're laughing
laughing when you crawl//

As the last notes fade away she looks up at me.

"I'm sorry Buffy. For everything I put you through. I-"

"Shhhh. Don't." I stop her with a finger to her lips. "It's in the past, Faith. I'm just glad that you're back... that we have a second chance."

"And I'm gonna do right this time."

"I know you will." I smile, "Otherwise I'm gonna kick your ass."

She laughs and leans in to kiss me briefly. "It's late, you should go."

"Yeah... I probably should." To be honest I don't think I could get up off this bed for anything short of another apocolypse. "Or... I could not."

She looks like she's struggling with herself for a moment. "Thing is B..." she sighs. "I've screwed a lot of people, but I've never... I've never been with someone I care about. And I do care about you, a lot. And I just... I don't wanna screw things up." she trails off quietly.

I'm really gonna have to do something about this insecurity of hers. I understand that she's a little unsure of herself in a relationship where sex means something more than a quick screw. But I'm sure that what I feel for her is real, and I can only trust that what she feels for me is the same. But what I do know beyond a shadow of a doubt is that right now, I want her to make love to me, desperately.

"Faith... do you trust me?"

She smiles at me. "With my life."

I nod slowly. "With your heart?"

She gives that due consideration before replying.

"Yeah."

It's just one word, but its implications go beyond that. It's acceptance.

"I want to be with you, Faith." I run my hand down the side of her face. "Make love to me."

She hesitates. "Are you sure?"

And she's so open, so honest, so vulnerable, and so achingly, achingly beautiful that I know without a doubt that I've fallen for her right there and there's only one thing I can do.

"I'm sure." I whisper as I lean in to capture her lips with my own.

*<>*<>*<>*<>*

It's early morning now, starting to get bright out and the first few rays of sunshine pick up the highlights in the blonde head that rests on my shoulder. It's an incredible feeling, holding her in my arms, feeling her heart beating next to mine. I don't know how long exactly I've been lying here just watching her sleep, but I'm pretty much certain I could lie here forever.

She stirs a little, tightening her hold around my waist and I smile at how peaceful she looks, how beautiful.

I've screwed plenty of people, but I'd never made love to someone before. She was so gentle, so tender. There was no rush to get off and get out. She took her time, patiently memorising every part of me, mapping me out under her hands. And I melted under her touch.

I cried when I came in her arms, and she held me, snuggling in close and whispering to me. Funny, but I never had myself down as the snuggling type before. And the sweetest sound I've ever heard was her moaning my name as she climaxed.

And now I'm lying here with her in my arms and life really doesn't get much better than this. I know that soon she'll have to get up for school and I should probably drop by Joice's today, thank her for the job and all. But for now I'm happy to just lie here.

She stirs again and now I have a pair of sleepy emarald green eyes staring at me.

"Well good morning gorgeous." I say as I kiss her forehead lightly.

"Mmmmmm..." she yawns and stretches slowly. "Hey you."

I have to clear my throat before I trust myself to talk. Having a very naked Buffy stretching on top of you can give a girl ideas. And apparantly they're the same ideas that B's having as her hands start travelling.

"Don't you have school soon?" I'd better point this out now before I lose all ability for coherent thought.

"Mmm-hmm." she's biting lightly at a very sensitive spot on my neck. "Your point?"

God that feels good. "Hmmm...? No point. Just checking."

"Good." she continues her assault on me and soon everything fades away except for her hands on my body, the feel of her moving under me, her soft moans in my ear.

In L.A. I started looking for my redemption. And now I think I've found it. And the best part? - this is just the beginning

//i'm done dying for the past
i'm done dying for the last
for the last time
the last time//