my life as a filipino-american, newly graduated family med physician

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I'm happy to know there's life to downloading music and more after the near demise of Napster. Thanks to Kerry I found the KazaA sight and have instant access to free music!

posted by dinah 5:29 PM

Complexes
We all have them, but won't dare to reveal them. We live with them everyday, hoping no one will have the guts to mention them in public. But someone always does . . .usually your closest friends. Anyway, I won't mention the ones I still have, but in the past, I never wore opened-toed shoes cuz I hated feet and toes, yours and mine. Friends would ask me incessantly why I never wore sandals, why I didn't like them, etc. Then, when they would see my feet, they would try to tell me my feet weren't so bad and I shouldn't feel weird about them. The more attention I got about my complex, the more the complex grew. Needless to say, I grew out of it and can look at toes without feeling squeamish. I have even looked at toes with fungus and gangrene--smelled them too (I'm a medical student . . .don't get any ideas). I now wear sandals without a second thought.

I just recently shed another one of my complexes . . .the fear of wearing a swimsuit in public. While showing some of the girls my pictures from Hawaii, Kerry remarked in amazement, "Did you actually strip down to your swimsuit?" Yeah, the girls know me to wear a t-shirt and shorts at the beach. That was just me. Self-conscious Dinah . . . still am. But because I actually forked over big money for a decent swimsuit, I had the courage to wear one in Hawaii and in front my friends.

The other day, a few us went swimming and I had to don the swimsuit. Would it be a big deal again? Would comments be made referring to my complex? OF COURSE, but this time I wasn't embarrassed like the good 'ole days.

posted by dinah 1:07 PM

Update
*Brian's* face was clear today. He must be his happy 12 year old self again . . .meanwhile I'm am typing this wearing a mud mask.
(r.e. 5/25 entry)

Graduation
Everyone is graduating it seems, but me. Last Saturday, my friends from med school graduated. This was the class i would have graduated with had I not taken a semester off. I felt glad enough to be in the audience since, unlike my peers, I didn't have to feel the weight on my shoulders knowing that in one month I'd be suffering in internship. But instead, I will attempt to write my personal statement and create my application for residency. Is that not suffering?

posted by dinah 12:18 AM

To be a Teen again . . .

I don't care what people say about wanting to be a teen again . . .those years were tormenting. Recently, one of the Filipino mothers at my church nonchalantly said to a group of us," Yes, *Brian* got his first pimple." There it was, fiery red on Brian's foreheard, waiting desperately to be popped. Poor 12 year old Brian sat there embarrassed and pouting. Trying to comfort him, but still trying not to make a big deal out of it, I said reassuringly," Don't worry Brian, we've all gone through it (both the embarassment of having zits and having filipino mothers without tact!)."

Zits began their assault on my forehead at 12 years old. My brother used to run his hand across my head as if to read braile and would say," Blind man says you will have a long life. " Ahh . . .I can laugh about it now, but back then, I would scream at the top of my lungs for him to leave me alone. When I reached my 20s, I still had zits, but this time they made their way down to my chin. What happened to all those stories about how your zits would clear up after adolescence?

One night I got a long-distance phone call from my brother. "Hey, Dinah, I was up late last night and saw an infomercial for Pro-active. They showed all these people who used to have zits, but after using Pro-active, their zits cleared up!" He called to give me their number . . .at least he was trying to be helpful this time. Desperate, I called, forked over $35 for my introductory kit and after 6 months realized I wasted my money.

Last year I got married with a zit on my cheek, but I could live with just one.

Now, I'm 26. I don't want to jinx things, but for the past 6 months, my skin has been wonderful compared to the past (i'm not totally zit-free though, but it's not braile either!). Maybe I'm less stressed, or maybe I've finally out-grown zits!!! Just maybe . . .

posted by dinah 1:15 PM

ALOHA!

I just came back from a week in Hawaii with my husband. I'm sad to be back especially because I missed the Pearl Harbor premiere, but also because it's back to the grind again. My scanner is on the blitz, but I'll have pictures up as soon as I can.

posted by dinah 11:17 AM

Going for a Cigarette
I was in a hurry to run some errands during lunch when a skinny Caucasian man wearing reflective sunglasses and reeking of cigarette smoke approached me on my way out of the hospital.
"Can you help me maam, My name is Lloyd, Llooyd W---. I need help now. I’m going crazy. I live on the streets and I have no more medicine."
He stood a noselength away so that I could smell the smoke on his breath and barely concentrate on what he was saying. I fought the distraction and told him to follow me to the acute care clinic.
"Are you in the system at this clinic? Have you been here before?" He continued to speak, not hearing my questions. Finally I sat him down and repeated my triage. I got: 40 year old, homeless, on 2 psych meds but w/o them for 2 days, going crazy . Then he continued to ramble.
"Dr G thinks my name is David Caradine, but my name isn't David Caradine . . .it's Lloyd . . ." Finally, I talked to a nurse who told me that this man had already been directed to put his name on the waiting list, but had refused and kept roaming the halls. I quickly wrote his name on the list and told him if he waited patiently, he would be called soon.
When I returned to the hospital I saw him again waiting for the elevator. "Did you ever get called?" I asked. "I'm going crazy right now, I can't sit down, I'm going for a cigarette."

posted by dinah 9:05 PM

Dry Feet

You see them and can feel them, but can you hear them? My dad has this habit of rubbing his toes together while watching TV. I don't think he realizes he does it and the only reason it bothers me is because it is extremely loud. Yeah, try it, not too loud right--that is, unless you have dry, scaly feet.

Growing up poor in the Philippines, Dad said he seldom had shoes to put on his feet. I find that hard to believe since everyone wears slippers there, even while playing basketball. Yet, as he relates, years of walking through rice paddys and dirt roads bore calluses as thick as leather on his feet. So there we are, watching basketball, me, trying not to be distracted by the sounds of dry, scaly feet.

posted by dinah 8:50 PM

I've surrendered to the fact that I will one day sport a set of shiny, straight dentures. I will no longer eat apples or cackle with my jaw gaping as I'm so apt to do. At night I will soak my prosthetic in a fizz of Polident and kiss my husband with pursed lips. Why? All because I can't help but eat chocolate as a substitute for boredom or sometimes, love.

posted by dinah 1:20 AM

The American Tale
Occasionally I writhe in bed thinking about the impending doom of paying off my med school debt. I sympathasize with my husband who married not only me, but my debt as well. Tonight, I came upon this article in the latest NEW PHYSICIAN about how I can reach a debt-free goal by finding a way to

"need less money than the average physician to be happy. . . to stay clear of a common American sickness--consumption."

I admit, I consume like a starved pig in a trough. I have an innate need to spend money on everything from shoes and clothes to facial cleansers and Biore pore perfect strips. Stop the madness! I have bought into this so-called "american sickness" fueled by media and advertisements. The above, is a spoof ad from www.adbusters.org. They've got tons of hilarious ads. Their aim is to combat against corporate media culture.

So anyway, back to my debt. I've got to really budget my money. There's this Simple living network that seems kind of guru-ish, granola-ish to me, but I might learn a thing or two. Check it out : simple living.

posted by dinah 11:03 PM

Flirting

In my life time, while I've encountered your average whistle and howl, I wouldn't say too many men have flirted with me. At 12, flirting consisted of writing notes during class to my crush Brent. He'd write rhyming, derogatory notes to me and I'd return them in sync with his: "your balls are as big as Niagra Falls." As nonsensical as they were, I enjoyed every note I received. This type of flirting didn't last through my adolescence though. In my teens, I'd always be on the sidelines as my bestfriend would get stopped by a total stranger in the mall who "didn't want to lose the possibly ONLY chance to ever speak with [her]." Puleez! Needless to say, however, THAT has never happened to me.

My husband (Robin) is a great esteem builder and says it's not because I'm not pretty, but that I'm unapproachable until people get to know me. He adds that he thought me snobby and "holier-than-thou" when he first met me. Sure, I can accept that I'm somewhat unapproachable especially since I have always tried not to make eye-contact with men in the first place. I figure, if you give a guy a little eye-contact then he thinks you like him or that you were/are staring at him. With Robin, I had known him for a year before any flirting occurred. He'd take the scenic loop to his class just to see me in the library or vice versa. Those were great times.

So now that I'm married, it feels weird when someone tries to flirt with me. When I'm out with the girls, I don't mind as much if guys stare simply because I'm with a group. Again, no eye-contact works wonders! But if someone tries to flirt with me one on one . . .I get a little freaked out. This brings me to my recent encounter where this person I know (only for about a month), tells me in about a time span of 4 hours that my hair smells good (twice he does this and he is not my hairstylist and whaat is he doing smelling my hair?), that I shouldn't worry about looking good in a bathing suit, that my features are very "exotic" with "a perfect oval face", and just other junk that collectively, in my opinion, means he's FLIRTLING! Oh yes, I tried simply to say thank you, but had to make my apologetic comments like "no, I have an oblong face, not exotic at all!" But I took it in stride trying not to blush. Later, I joked to Robin in "waving-my-hands-in-the-air-like-I-just-don't-care" style that, " Yeah, I STILL got it!"

Seriously, though, when a good guy friend tells you these things, it's a compliment, but when a mere acquaintance makes comments like the above, and your married, I think he should observe "the line." I've known other couples who think flirting is fine, but in my opinion it's dangerous. So yeah, I guess I am, in a sense, "holier-than-thou," prude even, but for good reason.

posted by dinah 6:55 PM

Contentment

What a coincidence! i just finished writing e-mail to Gary about being content and then decided to catch up on my daily devotionals sent to me via e-mail. The title of the devotion 2 days ago was on being content. It hit straight home so I have to include it here:

PHILIPPIANS 4:11 (NASB)
Not that I speak from want; for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Our world promotes dissatisfaction with our lives. We are constantly bombarded with newer and better things that will make our lives more complete if only we would obtain them! If we listen to the world, we will always be comparing the lifestyles and possessions of others with our own, and we will always be dissatisfied. If our contentment comes from possessions, activities, or other people, these can be altered or removed. If our contentment comes from our relationship with Christ, there is absolutely nothing that can take that away. Paul had enjoyed power and status among his people. He had also been imprisoned and bound in stocks in the depths of a jail cell. He had stood before a king and been stoned almost to death by an angry mob. Paul had enjoyed the benefits and pleasures of life, yet he could give them all up and still be filled with the joy of the Lord. His contentment did not depend on his environment but on his relationship with Christ. Contentment frees you to enjoy every good thing God has given you. Contentment demonstrates your belief that God loves you and has your best interest in mind. Discontent stems from the sin of ingratitude and a lack of faith that God loves you enough to provide for all that you need. Strive to be grateful for all that God has given you. A grateful heart has no room for envy.

posted by dinah 4:06 PM

posted by dinah 4:04 PM

ughh, won't let me delete!

posted by dinah 4:02 PM