TOKYO. Earlier this week as a Nintendo Entertainment Software press conference, odd things began to spark up leading us to the conclusion that Satoru Iwata, President of Nintendo, is an insane madman. The conference began with Iwata excitedly talking about the successful release of “Nintendogs,” a puppy-raising simulator for the Nintendo Dual Screen Portable system. A few moments later, a reporter asked how he felt the DS stood against rival handheld, Sony’s Playstation Portable.
Iwata’s calm response was, “Touching is good. Can you touch their handheld? I think not! In fact I feel like touching something right now!” Iwata jumped up from his seat from behind his desk and began massaging a nearby bald man’s head. “Oooohh yeah! Touching is great!” This continued for only a brief moment as he soon sat down and brushed himself off. The audience grumbled uncomfortably at the event but things resumed as usual when he rolled the well anticipated trailer for the new Legend of Zelda game. In awe the audience watched as an adult Link rode horseback battling monsters. Smiling from ear to ear, Iwata said, “You would like this, wouldn’t you? Well that’s a shame.” As President Iwata turned his back to he audience to look at the large screen, the Zelda footage was soon replaced by a poorly drawn picture of Link done entirely in crayon. The overall quality rivaled that of a two-year old. ”You see!” shouted Iwata at the audience, “With our technology, all games will be done in our REVOLUTIONARY crayon-vision! Behold the marvels of the Revolution!!” At that moment, a discolored, crayon-drawn Mario appeared on screen. The animation was a loop of three drawing that made the crowd of excited reporters and Nintendo fans alike confused and angry.
Iwata turned back to the screen and mimicking an Italian stereotype, yelled out, “It’s-a me-a: Mariooo!!” He leaped off the stage and into the crowd. The reporters and fans were not too pleased with this as he landed on top of a man in a wheelchair who was immediately was sent to a hospital. Iwata rose up and began dancing about happily yelling out what seemed to be “Pikachuuuu!!” As the crowd backed away from this insane video game president, he immediately reached into his pants and pulled out a VirtualBoy. He lifted it into the air and then began eating it. Yes: Iwata was eating it. With his mouth full of plastic, he again reached into his pants, and this time pulled out a rubber representation of the Master Sword from the Zelda series. Swinging it triumphantly, Satoru Iwata screamed at the top of his lungs, “YOUR PRINCESS IS IN ANOTHER CASTLE!!” and stabbed the nearest repoter. Reporters wrote down these events furiously, making sure not to leave out a single detail.
When police arrived on the scene, Iwata was found rolled into what was later thought to be a Metroid Morph Ball. He was quietly singing to himself about how gamers hated online gaming and that all online systems should at least have touch screens. Satoru Iwata’s trial is scheduled for later this month. In the meantime, the company will be run by Vice President, Luigi.
Please note that this story is a parody and no such events have actually occurred...yet. >_>
