Agents of Orange
Vic Kipper
Iggy was a jackhammer. But that's neither here nor there.
Jimmy Hasselhoff turned 19 that day. He spent his birhday hiding in a closet. He hid because he thought he was being pursued by the color orange. He feared orange because in grade school he had learned that proximity to the sun caused disintegration. He also saw that all of his schoolmates colored the suns orange. And thusly he became worried that prolonged contact with the color orange would render him disintegrated.
What sent him running for his closet on that one day was the road crew filling a pothole in the street outside his house. The workers didn't realize that their orange vests convinced Jimmy that the forces of Orange were hunting him down. They couldn't have known that this would lead him to believe that this feared color didn't want him to live into his 19th year.
When Jimmy came out of his closet, he knew it was time to take action. After making sure the orange-outfitted outsiders had left, he made a beeline for the nearest small hardware store (he'd long ago leaned to avoid the larger places like Home Depot). He picked up some sandpaper, a small acetylene torch, three four foot two by fours, and a pack of gum. He paid for all of these things, taking a moment to drink in the soothing green of his cash, and stepped outside where he quickly discarded everything but the little torch. With that in hand, he dashed back to his house and locked himself in the closet again.
In the closet, there was a hiss and a click. Jimmy stared into the flame of the torch. And stared into it some more. Several hours and several gas canisters later, Jimmy Hasselhoff stepped out of the closet. He looked around. It was a new world. He could no longer see colors. He stepped outside into the morning light to find the workers tamping the asphalt in front of his house, but their vests no longer held any threat to him.
He shook his fists in the air and shouted in triumph for only a few moments before a bizarre momentary localized corruption of the laws of gravity sent him hurtling directly towards the sun. He was fearlessly colorblind right up until the moment he was vaporized.
