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What Really Grinds My Gears
by O’Dog

With apologies to Peter Griffin, the sports world has left a lot to be desired lately. And no, I’m not just talking about the imminent demise of my beloved Jets. There’s a lot going on with sports these days…and a lot of things ticking me off. And with that, we’re off….

Dick Vitale
Yeah, I’m not breaking any new ground with this complaint but isn’t it just about time Dick Vitale and his tired act hit the road? I like Vitale in his spots on SportsCenter or halftime or what not where he gets a few minutes to rant, rave and ramble about whatever he wants to. Three minutes of Dickie V? I can deal with that. More than two hours? Give me a gun. He’s not even an announcer at this point, he’s been reduced to a Saturday Night Live-esque character of himself. All he does is yell, scream, tell us over and over how good the ACC is and throw out a few catchphrases. Why do I need this? I want to watch a basketball game. That’s it.

The new PGA schedule
NASCAR may have brought a terrible thing into the sports world with its “playoff” system because now the PGA Tour, in all his genius, has decided to do the same. To begin with, there is one huge difference – NASCAR has the Nextel (nee Winston) Cup while the PGA Tour has nothing. While winning the season championship in NASCAR is something that makes legends, no one really cares who wins the PGA Tour money list. It’s all about being #1 world and, currently, that’s Tiger Woods. We don’t need a “playoff chase” to figure this out. Besides, wins in golf are far more important in racing as all golf fans really remember are who won the majors and a couple other big tournaments, like the Player’s Championship, Pebble Beach, their local tournament and ones that prominmently involved Tiger. Vijay Singh played every week in the fall of 2004 to winning the money title…did anyone care?

Another offshoot of this is the new “Quest for the Card” series that my beloved Greater Hartford Open will now be a part of. And what a sell it is! Watch 100s of guys near the bottom of the money list try to keep their card with no major stars. Where do I buy my tickets? Even better, it’s going to be held in late September and early October, which is perfect because there’s nothing else going on in New England that time of year. Well, except for the three NFL teams within driving distance, the neverending Red Sox/Yankees battle and UConn football. Yep, nothing to do but what some nobody play for his card. Yeah.

Moaning over the BCS
As you will soon find out, not only am I a huge college football fan, I love the bowls. Some people want a playoff. We call these people “NFL fans who watch college football in December and January.” Ahem. Anyway, each year the sports reader is bombarded with columns from sportswriter who watch college football for one month a year and declare themselves the savior of college football. Here’s the deal – no one cares. The college presidents, most of the coaches and most of the players don’t want a playoff – but why consider the facts when you have a column to write? Even this year, after the greatest title game in history, some writers were STILL moaning about the BCS. Give me a break. Is the month of December so light on sports that we have to hear this year after year?

ESPN acting like CNN
Let me begin by saying the suicide of Tony Dungy’s son was of course tragic and I can’t imagine his pain. That being said, did ESPN really need to cover the funeral as if the President was attending the funeral of his wife? Give me a break. Live shots of Dungy entering the church? Nonstop interviews with players? Former players? Did anyone even know who Dungy’s son was? When did ESPN just completely stop showing highlights? It seems like every SportsCenter now leads off with some non-story about what so-and-so said about so-and-so or trade rumors or some crap like that. I don’t care about Manny being traded for Miguel Tejada until it happens. And until it does, show me who won the game last night!

ESPN Classic running nothing but pool and bowling
I love ESPN Classic. It could be the greatest channel for a sports junkie ever. It doesn’t get any better than spending two hours watching the 1995 Citrus Bowl between Alabama and Ohio State. Shockingly, I do have a girlfriend. The SportsCentury show, detailing a player’s career on and off the field, is just amazing and the ones on Larry Bird and Secreteriat have to be the two greatest things I’ve ever seen. See, I can do hyperbole just like a good sportswriter. Anyway, ESPN Classic is now running seemingly endless loops of classic bowling and classic pool. Does any bowling or pool event really amount to being remotely close to classic? I highly doubt it and it’s preventing me from watching more college basketball games from the late 1980’s!

Women’s basketball on television
Real simple – no one likes women’s basketball. It’s a poor version of men’s basketball. I’m not saying that because I’m sexist. I’m saying that because I have two eyes and I can’t stand it. Oklahoma playing Texas in men’s basketball? I might watch. Women’s hoops? Forget it. And get it off ESPN and Fox Sports and every other network showing this. I’d watch women’s bball if my sister was playing, but then again I’d probably root her on in a potato sack race. I’m not watching a sack race if I don’t know anybody participating.

“You can’t boo college kids”
This has become a hot issue, especially in Connecticut, with morally outraged sports journalists and coaches berading us for booing college athletes. “They’re just college kids!” “They’re doing their best!” “They’re not getting paid!” That’s all well and good but most colleges are going above and beyond to bend the common fan over to take as much money out of their pockets to watch these games. If I’m paying $50 to watch UConn and they come out flat, I’m going to boo them. Just like I’ll cheer them when they’re playing well. As for this “not getting paid” junk, is a scholarship for four-years of school nothing? Because I’m remember (okay, the parents do) paying about $30,000 a year for me to “go to school.” If you’re going to overcharge the paying customer to watch kids with a free college tuition play basketball, expect some boos. And if you don’t like, try winning. I don’t recall a team ever being booed after a loss, do you?

The NHL is back and better than ever!
It is? Looks to me like 10 guys ice dancing. Seriously, isn’t part of hockey’s appeal the brutality of it? Don’t we like watching guys getting cross-checked? Don’t we like seeing a forearm here and there? Blood? This is all good stuff. Now scoring is up. Wow, that’s great. Excitement is down. Every time a player is touched, a penalty is called – like it’s the NBA – and I would say half of each game is a power-play situation. That’s not hockey. Does anyone really think this is going to continue in the playoffs when only murder and assault are considered penalities? Hockey stopped being popular not because of the play but because a)there were no stars, b)too many teams diluted the talent pool, c)teams were put where people don’t care and d)hockey had no idea how to promote itself. Real simple. Does the NHL really need the Atlanta Thrashers or the Phoenix Coyotes? I don’t think so.

Interviews as the game is going on
Is there anything more cringe-worthy than a sideline reporter – 95% of the time incompetent – interviewing a former player or family member in the stands as the game is going on? Usually when I see this, I change the channel – honest to God – I just can’t watch it. It’s a trainwreck. The questions are usually lame, the person responder is usually 100 times more interested in the game which is funny because so is the viewer. What tops this is when a star – I use that term lightly – stops by the booth to shoot it with the announcers for a couple plays. Yeah, because I care what some guy thinks about his new show that’s going to last about 4 weeks. I heard of a time when John Lennon and Presidents would stop by the booth. Now we can guys like Jimmy Kimmel. Again, do we need this? I don’t think so.

Too many things on my screen!
Watching an NFL game this year on CBS was an exercise in futility. Not only was the game going on but there was the score of the game you’re watching, then the score of every other game on the bottom, the down and distance, and every so often another box with more scores. My brain almost exploded. Twice. We all have computers now and most people playing fantasy football utilize that to get updated stats. I’m trying to watch the game but I can’t. Too. Much. Stuff.

Listening about fantasy football
I play fantasy football. And I talk about it with the other guys in my league. That’s it! I used to think the most boring thing in the world was listening to someone retell me their dream. Well it’s been replaced. I don’t care what round you drafted T.O., or how Priest Holmes killed your team, or how you have a man-crush on Steve Smith due to his season. Unless you’re in my league, I do not care. Even worse, I do not care about “expert advice” on every NFL-related show. I can give expert advice too if given a chance, it’s not rocket science. Especially when guys say things like “I think Shaun Alexander will have a big game” where they’re playing the Cardinals. Gee, you think? Glad you’re getting paid six figures while I slum at this friggin website! Now I am mad!

Second guessing good decisions
Just because a move by a coach failed did not make it a bad one. The best example of this was Pete Carroll’s decision to go for it on 4th and 2. His team makes it and his team wins the national championship. I was not questioning it at the time, I was saying “Oh my God, Oh my God, this is so awesome, Oh my God, this is so awesome.” I believe you should only be allowed to second guess a coach when, before the play happens, you think to yourself “What the $&#@ is he thinking?” An example of this? Jets coach Herman Edwards in last year’s playoffs, against the Steelers, playing for a 40-something yard field goal twice in a windy stadium with an average at best kicker. When I have to go into another room to chug a beer and pray, there’s a good chance it was a bad move. I’m allowed to second guess that.

Matt Leinart
Look, I’m sure you’re a great guy. I just hate you. I am insanely jealous of you. I’m glad you lost. I’m sorry but it’s true.

Sexism against female athletes
Tom Brady takes his shirt off, women across America swoon and men quietly accept the fact he’s gorgeous. Sue Bird puts on a bikini, men across America secretly long for her while women deride her for “bringing her sport down.” What? Why can a guy get some exposure for being good looking but a woman can’t? Is it Sue Bird’s fault she looks damn good? Why isn’t she held up as a shining example of a beautiful woman with some athletic talent? She got into a lot of heat for making a bet with a Seattle DJ last year that would have resulted in her getting a spank if she lost. So what? I don’t think that move set the female gender back 100 years, if anything it helped women’s sports because for once people saw an article on the WNBA and actually read it. But no, women want to be accepted for their athletic ability. Works well in tennis, not in basketball.

Coach K
Everyone hates Duke, but no one hates Coach K. Why? Aren’t his American Express commercials a form of illegal recruting and really, really, really annoying? Hasn’t most of his players ended up being total duds in the pros? Why does he get so much credit when his team has lost so many big games over the year? Since when did just making the Final Four make you a big deal? Jim Calhoun’s been twice…and won it all twice. Coach K is a modern day Dean Smith, accumlating 10 all-Americans and usually falling short of expectactions. Three titles with all the talent he’s had? He should have five or six. But let’s face the facts – like Dean, he’s not a good game coach. He gets great players and just watches them win. Yep, that’s right, I said. Coach K is overrated. I could have coach Bobby Hurley, Christian Laettner and Grant Hill to two titles.

Brett Favre’s retirement…or not?
Talk about your running subplots no one outside of Green Bay cares about. How did Favre get every NFL announcer to be so sickeningly in love with him? I haven’t seen this much man love since Curt Schilling won the 2004 World Series. This is nothing against Favre – he’s had a great career and he can hang it up whenever he wants. What I don’t need are schmucks like Joe Thiesmann pleaded with Brett, on ESPN, to come back for the good of football? You know what would be good for football? No more Joe Theismann!

Moral outrage from sportswriters
Has a group of people ever gotten so outraged over such minor things as sportswriters? I’m still wondering if Randy Moss actually removed his pants or not from the way Joe Buck nearly threw up when it happened. T.O. wanted more money? The outrage! But I bet any of those jerks got a big money offer, they’d bolt from their paper or station in half-a-second. The problem is they throw around the “outraged” card that when it comes to actually be outraged – Ron Artest, Marcus Vick, etc. – it sounds like the same thing they said last week when Notre Dame was picked over Oregon for the Fiesta Bowl because of money. (Which of course was untrue, since ND was guaranteed a spot, but don’t let facts ruin…you know the rest)

Here’s the problem with the moral outrage from writers – it almost never reflects the sporting public’s view of an issue. The Randy Moss one is my favorite example because almost every sportswriter – average age 50, average skin color lily white – spoke about this like the worst thing that ever happened. I laughed about it and thought Moss was the coolest guy ever. Ricky Williams’ revelation that he smoked pot was against met with aghast. I thought Williams sounded like a pretty cool guy to hang out with. But what do I know? I’m just a fan.