There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those who don't. Dry ice is equally cool in a 5 gallon bucket of water or in your friend's toilet (nothing makes you stop and scratch your head like a smoking toilet). If you have a balloon handy, you can stick a chunk of the dry ice in it, tie it shut and toss it somewhere inconspicuous. As the ice reverts to a gas, it will inflate and eventually explode the balloon... hopefully scaring the crap out of the nearest person. My favorite is similar to the balloon trick- stick a chunk of dry ice in a 20 oz. soda bottle, screw the lid on, and CHUCK IT!!! It's a homemade grenade and will explode within seconds. Very loud. We made several of these in my high school physics class, and the teacher and class wandered around the school courtyard randomly chucking them into garbage cans and bushes blowing stuff up (this was before Columbine and everyone thought it was fun). Too cool. Close your eyes, and hold out your hands... I have a little surprise for you. (Put dry ice into the guy's hands.) It takes me a good ten seconds of sucking air through my nose to get a full breath. Hence I use my mouth. ;-) WHY FART AND WASTE IT.... WHEN YOU CAN BURP AND TASTE IT! Real men pee in the sink. You can't convert your turd back into a cheeseburger no matter how hard you try. Sixteen hours after deciding to end it all and writing the note, I realized that my plan for a slow, but painless death of suicide by masturbation was not working. In a hot deal for a wireless fart machine someone responded to the effect of this: "I had one of those for 18 years, then he moved out and went to college" Ohhh man, I just took the biggest crap i've taken in a long time and damn it felt good. Instructions included with the Epox 4G4A+'s I/O shield (the little piece of metal on the back of your PC): "Caution: Prevent to be hurt by this sharp I/O shield, please MUST wear glove before you want to install the shield into your chassis". I like the warning about the hair dryer: "Do not use this product while asleep." On KP Peanuts THIS PRODUCT CONTAINS NUTS Sign in a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT Sign in a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD On a church door: THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR. (THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.) Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN? Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales: THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING. IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW. Sign at photographer's studio: OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT TO DINNER ALSO Outside a disco: SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME. Sign warning of quicksand: QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL. Notice sent to residents of a Whiltshire parish: DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER. Notice in a dry cleaner's window: ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF. Sign on motorway garage: PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS. Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR. Notice in a field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE. BUT THE BULL CHARGES. Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS Sign on a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK) Sign at Norfolk farm gate: BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT. Spotted in a toilet in a London office block: TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW. My friend had PC speakers, but one side of the box said "Spreakers", while the other side said "Spekers". Back when I was in HS I remember one of the text books had "Please do not consume" just above the copyright info on the inside cover. Two guys are in a bar. One says, "Did your hear the news? Mike is dead!" "Wow, what happened to him?" "Well, he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom! He hit the curb and the car flips up and he crashed through the sunroof. He went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window." "What a horrible way to die!" "No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones." "What a way to go, that's terrible!" "No no, that didn't kill him, he survived that. He manages to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing. He tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid-air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him." "Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!" "No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the cooker, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water. Whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him." "Man, what a way to go!" "No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him." "Now that is one awful way to go!" "No no, he survived that, he..." "Hold on now, just how did he die?" "I shot him!" "You shot him? Why did you shoot him?" "He was destroying my house." You have power lines with 20,000 volts running through them suspended over your house, you have 15 radio stations broadcasting with a combined total of 1.5 megawatts within 10 miles of your house, your car emits carbon monoxide, and you eat fast 'food' and you're wondering if being near a PC is dangerous? I'm not real excited about have to use the old Mach3 on my sack in the least bit. I wouldn't mess with Canada, they have a tank. Grab it by the tail and whack the back it's neck/head off the edge of the counter. Kills them instantly. Sometimes they twitch a lot, but that's just the body complaining about the spinal cord being separated from the brain. I have high levels of smartness and intelligence.