101 things I am no longer allowed to do in the AFFS

1. All warfare is indeed based on deception. This does not mean we wear disguises on parade...
2. Altering paint schemes to match the local environment is not part of the Interstellar Witness Protection Program...
3. An order to iron my uniform does not involve Ferro-Fibrous plating...
4. An order to troubleshoot the navigation computer does not involve a laser rifle...
5. As a matter of fact, the Pope is Catholic, why do you ask?
6. A reference to the personal habits of the Chancellor of the Capellan Confederation is not actually an answer to the question asked...
7. Black helicopters are NOT hovering over the Fire Base...
8. Cybernetic implants have not 'sucked my soul' from my body...
9. My new Mech was not purchased from Jawas...
10. Elvis is not a member of my Lance, and he had better stop requesting cover-fire....
11. Techs sent to assist with repairs on other units Mech’s will not be referred to as 'prize crews.'...
12. Commands are military orders and the CO would not 'like fries with that.'...
13. I am a citizen of New Avalon, the Federated Commonwealth. I am not the great and powerful Oz, nor am I the inconsequential man in the corner...
14. I am not allowed to create new levels of security clearance...
15. I cannot spike my Autocannon after a successful shot...
16. I do not have a 'bottom secret' clearance...
17. I do not have a 'pizza delivery job' that requires use of a DropShip during 'the wee small hours.'...
18. I do not have a pacemaker, and use of a PPC does not ‘futz’ with it...
19. I may not forward requests for cover fire to AFFS High Command, 400 light years away...
20. I may not point out command decision flaws after we have been ambushed...
21. I must stop commenting on how we all wore the same thing today...
22. I must stop sending cadets to clean my BattleMech...
23. …especially when we’re just about to go into battle...
24. I should stop screaming about ‘the power of Grayskull’ when piloting a No-Dachi...
25. I was not seduced by the queen of Pormax IV, and the scars from that mission are not ‘love tattoos.’...
26. If I receive two contradictory orders, obeying them both is easier than arguing with an officer...
27. In space, I am not the only one that can hear you scream...
28. It is not called deep space because it’s more philosophical out here...
29. It is not motivational to talk about lance-mates that died in situations “just like this.”...
30. It is possible to consume too much coffee piloting a BattleMech...
31. It is so my fault...
32. It is wrong to explore just to find a planet where they have not yet heard my jokes...
33. It is wrong to hang superior officers in effigy...
34. …but it beats the alternative...
35. It turns out that they put that step in the procedure for a reason...
36. The invasion would not have worked if it weren’t for those meddling kids...
37. It’s not a ‘pep talk’ to tell the raiding party that usually, MechWarriors in this situation receive medals…posthumously...
38. Just tell the captain what you Active Probe say, that information is NOT available on your damned website...
39. Maniacal laughter is not ‘perfect stress relief’ during negotiations with the Clans...
40. My job description is not to ‘winnow out the weak.’...
41. Navigation commands do not use the phrase ‘follow that cab...
42. No duties are to be performed ‘Skyclad'...
43. No longer allowed to answer rhetorical questions, even if there really is an answer...
44. No medical personnel have ever decided a patient was beyond help and turned the surgery into a sacrifice to The Dark One...
45. No medicine in sickbay has the side effect of turning someone gay so I should stop telling the crew that it happened. Not that there’s anything wrong with being gay in this advanced day and age, of course...
46. No one cares how many men went into the bar, nor their professional positions within the hierarchy of their respective religious traditions...
47. No part of the Ares Convention or its subordinate clauses says anything about ‘the lamentation of their women.’...
48. No, it does not come that way from Supply...
49. No, you cannot keep it as a pet...
50. Not allowed to answer questions with "You want the truth?! You can't handle the truth!!!"...
51. Not allowed to build ‘forts’ in the Mech bay...
52. Not allowed to carry a dictionary in case a Clanner forgets the meaning of ‘fear’ and must be reminded...
53. Not allowed to drop paint bombs from orbit to sign your name to a planetary terrain feature...
54. Not allowed to order an Illudium Q36 Space Modulator from the quartermaster...
55. Not allowed to put stickers on access panels that say ‘No User Serviceable Parts Within.’...
56. Not allowed to report the return of a recon mission by indicating that the Executive Officer has finally been ‘brought to justice.’...
57. Not allowed to tell the CO that ‘I can’t give you that information, Captain, I might compromise my source’ when he asks for my location...
58. Not to sing sea shanties with words I can neither define nor spell...
59. Obscene nicknames for my lance-mates do not improve moral, even when I have it on good authority that they are accurate obscene nicknames...
60. Officers outrank me because of experience, ability and drive, not because the ‘magic dartboard on New Avalon’ likes them more...
61. After action reports are not ‘works of fiction’ and resemblance to actual persons or events is mandatory...
62. Oh, stop screaming...
63. My Gauss Rifles does not need a bayonet mount...
64. It is enough to report that the Aerospace fighter on sensors is hostile or friendly, not speculate on whether it’s African or European, nor estimate of how many coconuts it could carry...
65. Not allowed to cancel medical emergencies because it is, in my opinion, ‘only a flesh wound.’...
66. Garrison duty does not include a ‘noogie patrol.’...
67. Speaking in Pig-Draconian will not confuse Capellan spies...
68. The AFFS was not formed “to go looking for those little, grey, kidnapping, butt-probe aliens in order to return the favour.”...
69. Stop adding the notation ‘forbidden zone’ to the maps at random...
70. Stop shouting ‘coolant leak’ when someone farts...
71. The 12 General Orders do not include the phrase ‘in a blaze of glory.’...
72. ...nor does any article of the Standardized Procedures For Orbital Insertion of a Populated Planet Agreement...
73. The caber toss may well be something from my ethnic heritage, but care should be taken in the throwing of telephone poles in public spaces...
74. The First Prince is not an Evil Overlord. I should not interrupt his/her orders to tell him/her which of the 353 ‘Rules For Evil Overlords’ would be violated by that order...
75. The Fifth Amendment does not cover answering questions about the status of your lance during battle...
76. The force is not strong in this one...
77. The Inspector General has not authorized me to enter any and all spaces without let or hindrance as a means of stamping out heresy...
78. The National Anthem of the Federated Suns is not improved by belching any or all of it.
79. The rules against unionizing here also apply to forming a Guild Hall...
80. The success of a combat mission is not calculated by the number of ‘red-shirts’ that survive...
81. The traditional Tarot deck does not included a card depicting the Jittery Cadet...
82. The voices in my head are not ‘in a position to know.’...
83. The word of the day is not ‘attack’ and we do not all shout and scream like low grade morons when someone uses the word...
84. There are a number of ways to answer ‘What does this button do?’ Pushing it is not in the top ten desired ones...
85. There are no prevailing trade winds affecting the approach to Outreach...
86. There are no secret command routines to turn five DropShips into a giant space battle robot...
87. There are no snipers in my unit, and I cannot get a medal for shooting a penal colony’s only shower unit from orbit...
88. There are no Capellan Rednecks and no need to inform them ‘you might be a redneck if…’
89. Turn off the propeller on your neural helmet!
90. We cannot set the PPC’s for ‘deep fat fry.’...
91. We do not batten the hatches for ion storms...
92. We do not explore deep space looking for the one place where the stars spell out a perfect astrology horoscope for each of us...
93. We do not sing ‘Daisy’ every time we shut down our Mech...
94. When a superior officer is beset by multiple opponents, I will render all possible aid. I will never again stand by telling the rest of the Company ‘He needs to prove himself against them…and his own fears.’...
95. When hosting foreign diplomats, we are not ‘watching every single thing you do, maggot.’...
96. When in charge of a repairing a Mech, I am not to refer to my assistant's as Igor, and they will not fetch body parts...
97. When supporting Friendly diplomats, we are not here to ‘back their play at the drop of a hat.’, unless we really are...
98. When they say "over my dead body" I should assume it's hyperbole until proven to be literal, not the other way around...
99. When CO’s had it ‘to here’ with me, the exact level of ‘to here’ is not an important part of the discussion...
100. Nor is it a ‘good sign’ that their ‘to here’ seems to be inches lower than my last CO’s...
101. While the targeting computer is, indeed, way better than my old PlayStation Two Thousand, I am not ‘racking up a hell of a score’ on it...

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