"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile." 
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired." 
"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?" 
"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?" 
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket." 
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?" 
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven." 
"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid." 
"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want." 
"Just how big were those two beers? 
"In God we trust, all others are suspects." 
Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity 
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong! 
Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat 
Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything 
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda 
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother 
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet 
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water 
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids 
Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism 
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money) 
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes ... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good 
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S" 
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free 
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn 
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States 
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names 
Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign 
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster 
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It 
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets) 
Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians 
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes ... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes 
Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State 
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work 
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very Little Else 
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest 
Nevada: Whores and Poker! 
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone 
New Jersey: You Want A %@!@!*! Motto? I Got Yer %@!@!*! Motto Right Here! 
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets 
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney ... 
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable 
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States! 
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan 
Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing 
Oregon: Spotted Owl ... It's What's For Dinner 
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal 
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island 
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender 
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota 
Tennessee: The Educashun State 
Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English) 
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus 
Vermont: Yep 
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix? 
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers! 
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor? 
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family ... Really! 
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese 
Wyoming: Where Men Are Men ... and the sheep are scared !!! 
 Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. 
Man who stand on toilet high on pot. 
It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl. 
Man who jizz in cash register come into money. 
Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time. 
Man who fart in church must sit in own pew. 
Man who finger girl having period get caught red handed. 
Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam. 
Baseball wrong--man with four balls cannot walk. 
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. 
Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger. 
Learn to masturbate--come in handy. 
Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock. 
Man who buy drowned cat must pay for wet pussy. 
Virgin like balloon--one prick, all gone. 
Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling. 
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby. 
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop. 
Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker. 
Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten millon strong and growing. 
Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but Ph balanced for a woman. 
Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, its that simple. 
Ford Condoms: The best never rest. 
Chevy Condoms: Like a rock. 
Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did? 
New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey-- you never know. 
California Lotto Condoms: Who's next? 
Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever. 
KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good. 
Coca Cola Condoms: Always a Real Thing. 
Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one. 
Cambells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good. 
The Carl's Jr. Condom: If it doesn't get all over the place, it doesn't belong in your face... 
General Electric: We bring good things to life! 
AT&T condom: "Reach out and touch someone." 
Bounty: The quicker picker upper. 
Microsoft: where do you want to go today ? 
Energizer: It keeps going and going and going.... 
M&M condom: "It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!" 
Chevron: use them? people do. 
Taco Bell: get some; make a run for the border 
MCI: for friends and family 
Double Mint: Double your pleasure, double your fun! 
The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter! 
Delta Airlines travel pack: Delta's ready when you are! 
United Airlines travel pack: Fly United! 
The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before 
Passionate kiss like spider's web soon lead to undoing of fly.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
It take many nails to fill crib but only one screw to fill it.
Man who drives like hell bound to get there.
Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.
War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
Man who fight with wife all day long get no piece at night.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who lives in glass house should change in basement.
Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.
Crowded elevator smells different to midget.
ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye. 
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people. 
CHICKENS: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead. 
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. 
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out. 
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. 
GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage. 
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage. 
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. 
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better. 
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn. 
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time. 
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction. 
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today. 
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed. 
WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines. 

