By Arete Vésilagor, Aidenmare Morwen, and Akira Cilatriel
AN: The First Leia Story should actually be up before this, but since most of us read the second one before the first one when Arete was writing it anyway, and it made sense to us, it should be fine...just a quick summary: Leia has been captured by the enemy! Indy meets Gary, and, using the newspaper, they are brought to Egypt...
Indy and Gary spun around. There was a huge round door with a crudely drawn swastika.
“Damn!” Indy swore. “I hate those bastards!” Gary was surprised at Indy’s emotion.
“Let’s see if we can open the door,” Gary suggested.
They tried, in vain. Indy even shot a round at the barrier, but figured he was wasting ammunition and gave up.
“What are we gonna do?” Gary wailed. He looked at his paper. It had gone blank. “Ahhhhhh! The paper is blank! What are we going to do!”
“Calm down,” Indy said. “We haven’t been using it, so we might not need it.”
“Well…”
“Don’t worry.” Indy holstered his Webley. “I think we should keep going. It said we’d end up at Tanis. I know the area. Then we could find Han and the others.”
“Okay. What if we get lost or something?” Gary looked worried. He held the paper up to the light. “Hey!” He exclaimed. “The headline’s back. It says ‘Clown killed by Driving Student!’ It says it happened in La Cañada.”
“Where’s La Cañada?”
“Beats me.”
“Oh well. Probably some remote city in some third-world country that houses an asylum.” Indy paused. “Well, we better keep going.”
*
“I think we are lost.”
“Kevin! You always think we’re lost! It’s really rude to question the abilities of friends!” Sphen always scolded Kevin. It worked out, though. High-level intelligence life form scolded low-level intelligence life form.
“Sorry,” Kevin muttered. “I still think we’re lost.” Sphen conked Kevin on the head with his flashlight.
“Oops!” Sphen said as Kevin slumped to the ground, unconscious.
“Sphen!” everyone said angrily.
“I didn’t mean to!” he moaned.
“Do you always go around knocking people out?” Jaina asked. “Is it an Earth thing?”
“Jaina!” Han scolded.
“Sorry, Dad.”
Luke used ~The Force~ to pick up Kevin’s limp body and they continued.
“I wonder if we’ll meet up with Indy and Gary?” Mara said. “We know they decided to keep on going, but where will they end up?”
“Gary?” Patrick said excitedly. “My old boss’s name was Gary!” They all ignored him. Over the past hour, they had learned that was easiest.
“How do you know what happened to them?” Sphen asked.
“~The Force~,” Luke said solemnly.
“Oh! Like centripetal force and kinetic energy and GPE and friction…”
“Uh…yeah!…I guess…” Anakin said. He looked at his dad. “Papa, what’s GPE?”
“I have no clue,” Han whispered.
*
Indy and Gary kept walking. Soon the passage began to widen.
Suddenly, Gary fell down a long flight of steps. He lay at the bottom, groaning. Indy raced down the steps to help Gary up. Then he saw the snake.
“Ahhhh! It’s a damn SNAKE!!!” He grabbed his Webley and began shooting at it, missing each time, and kept yelling. Gary ducked halfway up the stairs to avoid Indy’s shots.
*
“Sounds like someone is trigger-happy,” Arete said to Aidenmare and Link.
“Sounds like from up that hallway,” Aidenmare said. “Maybe it is those jerks, ‘cept for Sphen.”
“Sure…” said Link. “Oww!”
*
Indy had been trigger-happy and had reloaded twice when a longshot flew through the air and hit the snake, killing it. Indy looked ~very~ relieved. He turned. “Thank you sooo much.”
“I am Aidenmare, this is Arete, and Link.” The three looked like they were from Middle-earth (duh, where’d you think they came from).
“Hey, I remember you! Are you still lost?” Indy exclaimed.
Link had a questioning look on his face.
Aidenmare laughed and explained.
“I ran into a thingie when I was hunting orcs. It had many shiny buttons, and I decided to push all of ‘em, ‘cept for the one marked ‘self destruct’.”
“You are such a genius,” Arete muttered.
Aidenmare glared at her before continuing. “As I was saying, before I was so rudely interrupted, the thing flew up into the air and I was flying over this place that a screen marked ‘Navi-computer’ said was Chicago. A guy was running towards me yelling ‘Push the LANDING button or you’ll blow up all of Chicago. I thought that was kind of cool, but I listened to him ‘cause he looked desperate, and real cute, too. I landed the thing, which was the most traumatic experience I have ever had, ‘cept for taking off again.”
“I thought it was when Kevin was born.”
“Well…one of them.” She shrugged. “Anyway, Gary, the guy, who is still cowering on the stairs,” she pointed, “needed a ride to some place so he could save someone. Then I ended up picking Indy up and I brought him to Hyrule Castle, where you were, Arete—Link was out.”
“Which is why you don’t know them, Link,” Arete told him.
Link nodded, a little confused.
“Aidenmare left Indy and the Hapan Battle Dragon on the roof and came to find me.”
“She brought a dragon on the roof?!”
“Nooo. It was the ship! She got lost, as usual, found me after five hours, and I led her back up to the roof and Aidenmare introduced me to Indy. Then I went into the ship and I accessed the main computer and found a message from Han, an old friend of mine. He asked us to help him find his wife, Leia. We sent Indy back, and then we got an intel report –of sorts- that that damn Harry Potter was here. Then, Han recontacted me and told me he had gotten Rogue Squadron’s Koyi Komad and Piggy from the Wraiths to calculate the jump and black hole physics, who had more or less figured out the relative location that Leia may have landed. He told us it was at these coordinates, which is where the intel reports said Potter would be. So, we figured we’d kill two birds with one stone.”
Everyone stared blankly at Arete. She sighed. “We are here to rescue Leia and kill Potter.”
“Ooohhhhh.”
“Why are you here?” Aidenmare asked Indy and Gary.
They told them the whole story starting from the beginning.
“Do you want to join us?” Indy asked.
“Sure. But then you can help us kill Harry Potter.”
“Deal. By the way, who is Harry Potter?”
“We’ve been tracking him for awhile. He has connections with Sauron, Ganon, Drek Powers, the Empire, Seamus Tactaggart, the Russians, the Dark One (Shaitan), Magneto, and the Nazis. He isn’t much, just a pathetic message boy, but him and his friends and their parlor tricks could do some damage combined with the brain power of the people they operate under.”
“He works for the Nazis?” asked Indy.
Everyone nodded (‘cept Gary, who didn’t know).
“I’ll help! I HATE Nazis!” Indy exclaimed.
“He’s also with a herd of rogue balrog-bunnies,” Link said.
Aidenmare and Arete cracked up. “They are infiltrating the Enemy.”
*
Mr. Fluff, leader of the balrog-bunnies, turned to his Nazi Commander, Dietrich, who was in charge of the Hogwarts group.
“I am a SPY! MWAHAHAHAHA. I have told a strike team your location. You will all be annihalated! MWAHAHAHA. My herd and I will soon have backup and we will destroy you. We have found out all you secrets. You will never triumph. We will de--” (Mr. Fluff said this all in sign language)
Dietrich grabbed a Howitzer. In ten seconds 10/23 balrog-bunnies were annihilated. In twelve seconds, twelve more were dead. Mr. Fluff turned and ran and ran and ran (and ran and ran and ran…get the point?)…and didn’t stop ‘til he reached Cairo.
“Let him go,” Harry Potter told Dietrich.
“Oh? Who put you in charge?”
“I have a magic wand,” Harry told Dietrich. Dietrich grabbed the wand, snapped it, threw the pieces to the ground, and spat on it. As Harry moved to attack Dietrich, the commander grabbed his revolver and jabbed it at Harry. His troops pulled out their rifles and pointed them at Harry’s friends.
“I am in charge here. Now, we are going to Cairo. Intel reports tell that Dr. Jones is there.”
*
As they started down the hallway, they passed a dark swirling thing on the wall. “What is that?”
“It leads back to Middle-earth, Gary.”
“Uhhhh…”
“There are portals everywhere. They lead to a whole lot of places.”
“Yes—wait, there’s one opening there.” Arete pointed. A swirling pink void opened up.
Ash, Brock, Tracey, Misty, Nurse Joy, Officer Jenny, and a bunch of ugly little Pokémon ran out. They stopped to look at Indy and co. Aidenmare’s sword was out, Link’s longshot was out, Indy’s Webley, Gary’s newspaper, and Arete’s iron Pokéball.
The ball spewed forth a beam of light that enveloped the Poké group. The ball in Arete’s hand began rocking back and forth. The group watched the ball for about five minutes until it stopped moving.
“Oops. I forgot to add breathing holes. Oh well…” She tossed it in the portal just as it closed up.
A strange grunting/slobbering noise floated up from the floor. A barking/slobbering joined it. Indy grabbed his revolver and fired at where the noise came from. A yelp, then another yelp.
“What was that?!” Gary asked. Arete and Aidenmare pointed at two things on the ground with leashes. “Ewww!” Disgust was evident in his voice.
“That’s Nikara,” Arete pointed at the monkey.
“That’s Skysong,” Link indicated the dog.
“Skysong’s boyfriend has joined forces with Harry Potter. Nikara’s husband, the Yoda-Monkey, is…somewhere…Her son, Kevin, is with my boyfriend, Sphen. He and a guy named Patrick were with us, but they went through the wrong portal. Sphen will use his superior knowledge to join back up with us.”
“She hopes,” Arete added.
“Nyah,” Aidenmare stuck her tongue out.
“Link, she ‘nyahed’ me!”
“You guys, stop fighting! This is stupid,” shouted Indy. Both girls turned and glowered at Indy. “Who asked your opinion?” Aidenmare snapped, and Arete added, “This is our argument…which Aidenmare started.”
“Me? I’m not the one who dissed Sphen!”
“Oh dear, this looks like a cat fight. Let us slowly back up,” Link said as he slowly retreated to the shadows.
Gary started to do the same. “Stop! Where do you think you’re going?” Apparantly Aidenmare and Arete had stopped quarelling.
“We need to get to business.”
“Who died and made you queen of the world?” Arete replied.
“Hmph! Well, what whould we do if I can’t lead them?” asked Aidenmare.
“May we please, pretty please, go?” Indy was glancing around, making sure no more snakes were coming.
“We should go. Leia might be in trouble.”
Arete turned to Link. “Of course she is in trouble!” She rolled her eyes and muttered “Men” under her breath. “She’s been captured by Nazis/Sauron/HP/etc./etc.”
They began walking down the dark hallway, occasionally passing warnings in heiroglyphics. Arete and Indy got into a deep conversation about the benefits of the bullwhip; Aidenmare and Link got into an argument about which was cuter: a balrog-bunny or a balrog-kitty. Gary unsuccessfully tried to start a conversation with Nikara and Skysong. The problem was, he couldn’t understand them.
“So,” he said, “who was the other guy with Sphen and Kevin?”
“Oh ah ah oooh ah ah.” (Patrick Quinn)
“Uh…okay…Skysong, who’s your boyfriend?”
“Woof slobber slobber woof.” (He’s really cute…no one else thinks so…he joined Harry. His name is Ron.)
Nikara made a gagging noise, which Skysong answered with a growl and they got into a big fight. Halfway through Gary decided to stop trying to understand and continued walking.
*
Leia sat in her chamber, wondering if anybody was going to rescue her. She had spent the day meditating and thinking of ways to bake a nerf tongue without the kids knowing what it was. She was used to being bored, especially at meetings. However, she wondered why she had been captured.
*
Han and Co. had been walking for quite awhile down a long dark hallway, when Patrick’s com-link/ walkie-talkie/ thing beeped.
“`Rave-guy’, this is ‘JK’. Report.”
“We’ve been trying to reach you all day!” Patrick exclaimed into the com to Arete.
“Yeah, well… ‘Liwy’ wants to talk to ‘Leprechaun’.”
Sphen took the com-link. “Hi. Wassup?”
“Um, status report. We just got our com-link to work, I think the Poké portal was interfering with the frequency…um…actually…Arete thinks that…nobody is sure what she’s babbling on about.”
In the background Sphen could hear, “All I had to do was find a new frequency because I think the Poké portal’s transportation waves were interfering. I learned it from Batman because it really is helpful and could--”
“Batman?”
“Yeah.”
Link sounded hurt. “You have another boyfriend?”
“NO! We’re just friends.”
“Oh…”
Aidenmare’s voice came back over the com-link. “Anyway. Uh…Arete killed some Pokémon guys…Ash, Misty, etc. We met up with Indiana Jones and Gary Hobson. I think you know about them. They’re looking for Leia…do you know her?”
“Well, I don’t know, know her, but…we met up with Han and blah blah blah.” After Sphen had finished the story, they talked about what was going to happen and they blahed for awhile. Then Arete wanted to talk to Han.
“Hi. We’re going to help look for Leia. We got –or I got- your message. We’re also going to wipe out the enemy. I think Sphen and Aidenmare already planned it. Damn.”
“What?” Han asked.
“Somebody tapped into this frequency.”
“Damn,” Han repeated.
“Let me talk to Sphen.”
Han handed the com-link to Sphen. “`Leprechaun’ here.”
“JK here. Sever line, tell group plan you and ‘Liwy’ formulated. I’ll find a new frequency if I can. Try to contact you. Some bastard is on our line and I hope they heard that.”
“Roger.” Sphen turned off the com-link. HE turned to the group.
“Dad?” Anakin asked Han. “What’s a ‘bastard’?”
“Um…it’s…uh…” Han wasn’t sure whether to tell his son or to ignore him. After a few minutes of turmoil, he chose anger.
“Why the hel-- heck did you say that?! I can’t believe you! I oughta—“ A loud pahtetic singing interrupted Han.
(A note: Due to the morality of a monkey, we have offered a substitute for swearing. When you read and are bothered by it, replace it with the following in you head: damn = darn; bastard = meanie; damn bastard = darn meanie. Have fun! I really pity you if you believe this.)
A group of guys, along with Ash and Co., ran by. The guys were singing “Team Rocket…”
“Ahhhhh!” Sphen screamed.
“He sounds like a girl,” Jaina told her brother.
“I HATE THAT SONG. I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD. Ahhhhhhhhh!”
“We are clones. We come back!” Ash said.
“Pika.”
Sphen continued screaming. “He sounds like a girl,” Han said. “And it’s annoying.” He took a tiny thermal detonator off his belt and thumbed the switch. “Everybody back up!”
“Wait,” Luke said. “Han…”
Everybody backed up. Pikachu looked at them as “Gotta catch ‘em all” droned on.
“Pika? Pika—ahhh”
There was a large explosion. Sphen stopped screaming. Everyone, including Sphen, looked relieved.
*
Indy and Co. had been walking for quite awhile when Arete and Gary, deeply engaged in an argument about how to stop a taxi, both walked into a sandstone wall. “Ouch.”
“It’s a door!” Indy exclaimed.
“How do we open it?” Link asked.
“Try knocking,” Aidenmare said.
“Woof.”
“Oh ah ah.”
“Owwww,” Gary groaned.
“I’m fine. No worries,” Arete said as she stood up.
Indy helped Gary up as the rest of the group crowded around the door. There were no markings on the door, which was just like a normal door except with no handle, no window, and …nothing else a regular door has. (So why is it a door?)
“I think I hit my head. Owww.” Gary leaned against the door, which swung open. Gary fell down a flight of steps and stopped at the bottom.
The group stared down the stairs at Gary, who lay unmoving. “He does that a lot, doesn’t he?” Link asked Indy.
Indy, however, didn’t answer. His face was white. “Snakes. I hate ‘em.”
The hiss of thousands of snakes floated up from the room below. “Well, if you do not love snakes, we’ll go get him,” Link offered.
“No. You guys are just kids. I’ll go.”
“Hey…wait--” but Indy was racing down the steps. Actually, he was taking his time, glancing nervously at the snakes. He turned around, “I’m fine! See! Ahh! No, seriously! I am perfectly calm and oh dear!”
“Hey!” Aidenmare called down the steps. “We can do it. Those –uh- cobras look very, uh…poisonous.”
Indy continued shakily down. “That was effective. Why don’t we just follow?” Arete asked.
Link snorted. “Look at the steps, genius. They are could go on at a time. Besides, see the sign?”
“I knew that.”
Link and Arete continued arguing as Indy reached the bottom. “Gary?” he looked at him.
Gary lay motionless at the bottom of the stairs, his hand very close to the writhing mass of snakes. As Indy looked closely at Gary, he saw a snakebite on Gary’s hand.
*
Mr. Fluff had been running for a *very* long time when he finally reached Cairo. Not wanting to disturb the population, he stole a rather large woman’s garment. This prevented people staring at a large balrog-bunny; they just saw a really big woman.
He had to get to Indy and warn him that a large army of Nazis and “wizards” were chasing him. He didn’t know Indy personally, but Arete and Aidenmare had briefed him on people who would be able to help. He knew that Aidenmare and Co. had been looking for Dr. Jones so they could get him to help fight the enemy.
Mr. Fluff also knew that Sallah could probably help him find Dr. Jones.
*
Now that the horrible singing had stopped, Sphen turned to his group.
“Okay people. The situation has changed. We aren’t going to head towards Tanis. We are going to meet in the Sphinx and have a war council. In this battle we will need as much brawn as we have brain.”
*
Indy grabbed Gary’s limp form and ran up the steps yelling, “I HATE SNAKES!!!”
“Indy, we could have done that for you,” Link told him.
“And, we wouldn’t have stood there for ten minutes, staring at the snakes.” Arete smiled. “But it was very brave of you.”
“Oh ah ah ooh.” (I think you took too long. I was able to come up with a plan for world peace while you were down there.)
“Woof slobber arf bark.” (You don’t have the intelligence to do that. You’re a monkey.)
While the two animals bickered, Aidenmare knelt down to check Gary. “He’s unconscious. I think he is in stable condition, though. Don’t worry, we only have a short walk until we get there.”
“Where?” Indiana asked.
“To the Sphinx. We’re going to meet inside it and plan.”
“The Sphinx isn’t hollow!”
“Um, actually—`` Link began.
“It was an accident! Only the very middle is and it holds valuable records of all the worlds and all the portals connecting them. We, uh, enlarged it.” Aidenmare paused, then added, “Don’t ask, please. It’s a long story.”
“Let’s go, then.” Link began walking.
*
Sphen and Co. had been walking for a while when a very ugly boy with glasses ran out of a portal and grabbed his lucky charm by breaking the cord, then ran back into the portal.
“That was Harry!” Sphen yelled. “He took my medallion!”
“Harry?” Jacen asked, confused.
“Arete told me about him. His IQ is equal to a wampa’s. He’s as annoying as an Ewok, only more so.”
Jaina looked at her father. “That’s pretty bad.”
Anakin turned to Sphen, “Don’t worry, it’s just a medallion.”
“No!” Sphen wailed miserably. “Is, is my hair turning red?”
“Hey!” Jaina exclaimed. “Your hair is turning red!”
Sphen groaned. “The medallion keeps him from looking like a leprechaun and blah blah blah,” Patrick told them.
“This is bad,” Sphen groaned. “Very bad.”
“What’s a le-pra-chaun?” Mara asked, stumbling over the strange word.
“Me!” Sphen wailed.
*
The two groups met in the Sphinx, where the Falcon was waiting.
“Quick!” Aidenmare dragged Gary up the ramp. “We have to get him in a bunk now!” Everyone followed her into the Falcon. Nikara was babbling non-stop.
“HEY!” Kevin said. “My mom said she knows what’s wrong with Gary.”
“That’s Gary! He’s my old boss. We’re very good friends, almost brothers!” Patrick grinned.
“Hold on,” Arete told Kevin, then dashed outside of the ship. She came back with two little metal devices. She handed one to Skysong and one to Nikara.
“What are those?” Jaina asked, intrigued.
“Automatic translators,” Arete said. “We have a lot of junk stored here in the Sphinx.”
(TN: Out of curiosity…how did they get the Falcon into the Sphinx in the first place?)
“So it automatically translates everything they say?” Mara said.
Arete nodded. “They are similar to Piggy’s.”
Everyone stared blankly at her. She sighed. “Voort saBinring. Wraith Eight. A Gamorrean. HAN! Wraith Squadron! Remember? Warlord Zsinj?”
“Oh, yeah!” Han gave an “ah” of comprehension as the idea penetrated his thick skull.
“You’re getting old, Han.” Luke smiled.
“Watch it, kid.”
“Shut up and listen to me!” Nikara yelled.
“You better watch your mouth, monkey,” Aidenmare said threateningly.
“Besides, what information can you provide that is useful?” Arete grinned.
“I can cure Gary!” Everybody started laughing hysterically. “I mean it. I have carefully studied the infected part of the wound and come to the conclusion that he was bitten by a snake that has a monkey disease.”
“A monkey disease?” everybody asked.
Gary suddenly moaned and tried to sit up. When he saw Patrick, he moaned louder and fainted again.
“Oh dear, Mr. H isn’t feeling well, I think,” Patrick looked worried. Aidenmare was at Gary’s side with all of her herbs, trying to heal him. Nikara jumped into the air and started waving her arms in circles and then started running in circles, yelling loudly. The whole group backed up slowly and Nikara crashed into a table. Aidenmare shrieked, “What did you do? The wound is gone!”
Nikara replied, “Well, you see, a very long time ago snakes used to eat monkeys. There was a disease back then that only we were immune to. So when the snakes ate us, they got the germs and now infect people with that deadly disease. Now only monkeys can heal the people infected.” There was a moment of shocked silence.
“Great,” Arete grimaced, “If anybody says the monkey saved the day, I will hurt you.”
Aidenmare was looking around with a panicked expression. “Where is Sphen?!”
“Ummm…” Kevin was biting his lip. “Should we tell her?”
“Uh, I think she has the right to know,” Luke added.
“Aidenmare, Sphen is a leprechaun,” Kevin said.
Aidenmare glanced at Luke and Kevin and then laughed, “I already knew that.”
Kevin grimaced, then said, “No, he is now a leprechaun and only a foot tall. (TN: Okay, pay attention to the diff. heights Sphen has, starting with this one) Some freaky kid named Harry took his lucky charm.”
Aidenmare’s laughs abruptly stopped and her face paled.
“Oh, dang, so that’s why Kevin is here.”
Arete sniffed, “I guess Sphen’s luck has changed. Just watch where you step. I wouldn’t want you stepping on your boyfriend, Aidenmare.” Arete was getting a very evil look on her face, "You see, Link is a much better boyfriend. He doesn’t shrink or scream like a girl.”
Patrick was hovering anxiously over Gary. “Mr. H! Are you okay?!”
Gary opened his eyes and moaned, “Am I in hell? What did I do to deserve this?” He closed his eyes.
“Isn’t he funny!” Patrick asked happily. “I’m glad he’s okay.”
“Um—I don’t think he was kidding,” Jaina whispered to her twin brother. Jacen shrugged.
“I’ve tried Force-probing his mind. All I get is a confused jumble.”
“That pretty much explains Patrick,” a chipmunk voice said. The twins looked down and saw Sphen. He was sitting on the holographic gameboard, out of the way of shoes.
“Aidenmare!” Sphen yelled as loud as he could. She looked up from where she was helping Gary sit up. “We need to get the necklace back!”
Aidenmare nodded.
“I say we call some help from Middle-earth,” Link suggested.
“And send a strike team to get the charm. I volunteer. Then, we should also send a team to get Leia.” Arete pointed at Han and his relatives. “You’d go.”
At this point, everybody had walked out of the Falcon and was standing around in the Sphinx.
Aidenmare nodded. “Aragorn and an army could battle the enemy.”
Arete nodded, also. “We could get this guy who turns invisible to come with us, as in me, you, Link, the monkeys, Sphen (wherever you are), Gary, Indy, Patrick, Skysong, uh…”
Suddenly a black shape flew in, chased by two guys in green. The black shape shot two batarangs at the two green dudes. They dodged them and came at the guy in black. He neatly dodged their punches, and soon, the dudes in green were unconscious.
“Hi Terry-I mean Batman!” Arete called out.
“Terr-Yi-Mean-Batman?” Indy asked. “Is that Mongolian?”
Batman waved. “I didn’t think Kobra would be here!” he exclaimed. “Wayne sent Matt, my mom, Max, and me to have a vacation in Cairo and, boom! I’m chasing Kobra.” He sounded pissed off.
“Well…” Aidenmare told her friend. “This is EGYPT! Duh.”
“Yeah,” Arete added. “Of course Kobra would have a group in Cairo.”
Batman nodded. “This hood is so hot in this weather. I wish I could take it off.”
“You could,” Aidenmare said. “Nobody here who doesn’t know you would care.”
Batman started to protest.
“We have more important things to worry about. Besides, most of these guys aren’t from around here. They aren’t from this world.”
Batman cast a suspicious, yet amused, eye at the monkeys and the dog. “This is gonna sound stupid, but what about them?”
“Oh, you mean Nikara, Kevin, and Skysong?” Batman nodded. “Well, they can talk, but no one can understand what they’re saying most of the time, and besides, they don’t have the brains to understand what’s going on, ‘cept the dog, and they have no one but us as ‘friends’—“
“Grrrr!” (Hey!) The translators had somehow turned off.
“Ah ee oo oo!” (You’re gonna pay for saying that!)
“Don’t include me with those animals!” (Kevin has no compassion for his mom.)
“Uh…right…” Batman scratched his head. “Look, are you sure you’re okay? Maybe you should go sit down, Arete—rest or something—“
You don’t believe me, do you?” Arete asked angrily. “Guys, turn on your translators.”
Nikara and Skysong did so.
“Hi, Batman,” the translator said as Nikara made some monkey noises.
Batman (Terry), who had been convinced that taking his hood off would not spell doom for him and Bruce Wayne, was taking it off when he heard the monkey talk.
“Ahh! The monkey talked. Just like that gorilla with human DNA! That monkey doesn’t have human DNA, does it?”
Link shook his head. “She is just really weird. And the translator is advanced technology.”
“Makes my gear and Wayne’s stuff look like the Middle Ages,” Terry muttered.
“Do you suddenly feel primitive?” Sphen squeaked.
“What was that?!” Terry exclaimed.
“Oh, that’s Sphen,” Aidenmare said. “I’ll start from the beginning.” Aidenmare told the story. Since she didn’t know what happened to Han, Sphen and Co., everyone added on. By the time she and everyone else was finished, Terry looked a little confused, and Link was asleep.
“So this Potter guy is your enemy, right? And he’s a ‘wizard’?”
“You forgot to mention that he’s an annoying, stupid, psychopathic pipsqueak,” Sphen piped up.
“Pipsqueak yourself, leprechaun.”
Arete and Link (who had woken up) cracked up, but Aidenmare glared at Terry.
“TERRY!!” a very angry cry came from above their heads.
“Who was that?!” Han asked.
“Oops,” Terry said guiltily. “I left Max up in the place where the Sphinx’s nose should be. He looked up towards the front of the Sphinx. “I’ll go get her.”
When he got back, they told Max the story.
“Hey, look,” Anakin exclaimed. “She has pink hair!”
“I had a girlfriend with pink hair once,” Han said.
“Does Mom know?” Jacen asked.
“She doesn’t, and if you tell her…” his father warned.
“Terry,” Max said excitedly, “I know why Mr. Wayne sent us here! Remember Akira? She was kidnapped by the enemy!”
“Akira?” Arete asked.
Terry nodded. “She’s one of Max’s genius friends.”
“We know her!” Skysong said.
“When we get my medallion,” Sphen said in his chipmunk voice, “we can rescue her!”
*
“You want me to what?” Akira exclaimed angrily.
“Blow up New York (Gotham).” Harry Potter told her.
“I don’t think so.” Akira folded her arms and glared at Harry.
“Fine. You’ll die.” Dietrich said.
“Make her blow up New York City!” Sauron screamed over a Palantir. He sent a Nazgul to the enemy’s headquarters in Egypt.
They waited… * they played Monopoly and Risk…
Two hours later, the Nazgul arrived and used his wrath to get Akira to begin the calculations.
*
Mr. Brown, a very successful businessman, who had only half an hour ago received a nice, juicy raise and won the Lottery, which he planned to spend on the new Jaguar model, was heading home to tell his wife the good news, whistling in tune to the radio of his current car. As he pulled into his huge turnaround driveway which led to his two-million dollar mansion in Washington, D.C., where his butler and his butler’s servant (and his butler’s servant’s servant—these guys are rich) were coming out from, he noticed something wrong with the sky. < “Oh dear, there’s a huge black thing speeding towards me. What should I do?”> Of course, he never did have time to think about what he was going to do, ‘cause it was shooting right at him. His instinct told him to duck. He stood back up again and watched the thing continue on, headed straight for the White House. The next thing he knew, the world went BOOM!—basically. As he flew through the air, covered with bruises, cuts, and pieces of a Greek column, he said, “Oh, dear. Poor Mr. President. Now he has no place to live. Not to mention that he has passed on to the next world. Oh well.”
*
“Oh, oops,” Akira said, scanning the notepad. “I accidentally added a ‘one’ to the coordinates and missed NYC. Wonder what I hit.”
Sauron screamed a few Middle-earth swear words and went on some irrelevant tanget about making the US gov pay and blah blah blah.
“Oh well,” Akira shrugged. “Now I’ve done what you asked, so let me go.”
“No you didn’t,” Sauron snapped. “You missed NYC and hit the nation’s capital!”
“Too bad. The agreement didn’t include mistakes. Bye!”
She began to walk away, but Dietrich swung up his high-tech blaster that his ally, Derek Powers, had given him, and pointed it at Akira. “Get back here!” the Nazi commander barked.
“All right! Geesh…you don’t hafta get P.O.’ed!” Akira walked back over and sat down. She crossed her arms and glared at Harry Potter and Dietrich. She grabbed her calculation notepad and began scribbling on it.
AN: Um...this is a very long story...it is, however, complete...trust me, it's gonna take awhile to get up...review in the special guestbook on the fanfics page!
