Chapter Eight:  Recovery

 

 

The following will be intermixed memories, journal excerpts, information from the Internet, etc. It's the only way I can take you through this confusing time.  Please bear with me.

 

 

Emails  With Memories Shared With A Friend

 

 

Subject: I need your assistance...

Date: April 18, 2000 1:07 PM

 

Hi. I just found your website via Delphi Forums. I know you are probably busy and don't answer half of your emails, but I would really appreciate your help.  I can’t make this too short as it won’t make sense if I do. I am not a phony; everything I tell you is true.

 

I am 43 years old.  I am single raising 7 children from 4 fathers. My mom and step dad and grand parents are dead.  I have no living family who really cares about me except my children. I am in recovery from the following:

 

Eight years ago I lost my 11-month-old daughter to foster care in Missouri.  I had chosen a paramour who tried to kill her. I was blamed for it as he passed a lie detector test.  After 2 years of doing everything they asked, I got her back and she has been blessed by God not to have any physical scars from her experience. During this time I was forced into counseling.  I had chosen years before never to do counseling again as I joined The Church of Sc----ology when I was 19 years old.  I was with them 6 years before they kicked me out. I learned of false information in my personal file and they didn't like it.  I also asked too many questions.  Then I tried to find religious groups to join.  I found the XXXXXX church.  I was in it for a few years until I asked too many questions there.  They kicked me out too. I currently belong to no groups. Anyhow because I was forced into counseling, I decided to make the best of it and listed all of my fears at the time.  Well I have never had a counselor label me. I always labeled myself.  After all I went through I realized I never had any memory of my childhood.  It was always black and I thought that was normal.  If that's all you know, that is all you know.  So, back to the present.  My memories start coming.  My fathers’ (Note: I don’t know what this means. I just know it was a father figure in my life) abuse of me and my mom.  Because of this I choose angry, controlling men.  Abusive.  So I am always leaving them and fighting for custody.  So that ends.  I wanted to join a church again. I gained a testimony of Jesus Christ on my own at home by praying and reading the bible. No one taught me my beliefs when I was in a group.  I studied by myself and learned all alone.  In this venture to find a group and be accepted, I had to live certain standards of which it was very difficult for me, like chastity. So after 6 months of abstinence in preparation to rejoin a church, I asked on my knees, alone, in my room for Jesus to forgive me of my sins and show me what I needed to repent of.  Well, I got 24 hours nonstop SRA (satanic ritual abuse) memories full blown.  Scared!!... I never had anyone tell me about anything like this stuff. It has been two years now and memories are still coming.  While trying to research things out and see how crazy I was, I realized there was more on mind control than SRA.  Well I thought if you have any weird mind control memories come it’s because you want attention and you will make it up.  But the things that came aren't anywhere in all my reading.  I haven't even heard anyone mention anything like what I remember.  I know its true because the body memory that came with it I have been fighting for seven or more years.  I don't fight it anymore.

The memory had to do with me as a baby. Yes a baby swimming in a pool with a head set on my right side of my head.  They had electro shocked me or drugged me, or both in order to cause and then stop seizures.  There is some kind of monitor screen, where they watched what my brain did as they experimented on me there as well.  The probes that they put in behind my right eye caused permanent damage. I am just unlocking what I was born with and what I wasn't.  In my search for truth this is all I have found.  If you can help me I would greatly appreciate it.  My only concern is to not too endanger my children because I am searching and asking questions.  Usually no one answers my email and I guess they just think I am nuts. I took an accredited course on mental illness and learned that I wasn't crazy. I went there because I thought I was for many years.

 

I know this about myself and all my family are dead except my mothers’ brother who was in US Geological Survey and retired from it and my brother who is a now retired disabled fireman.  Neither of them knows anything about this.  I don't dare say anything to them.

 

My natural mother was in Eastern Star in Anchorage Alaska.  I have her pictures and had a Book of Ceremonies before I threw it away.  Her father was a Mason for many years.  They went from Walla Walla, Washington to Portland, Oregon and then to Anchorage, Alaska in the 1950's.  He was promoted to head the FDA there as a loan officer. I have pictures and his service record and his Masonic medals.  His wife, my grandmother, was a volunteer for the Air Force Filter in Portland Oregon. According to a newspaper article I have the filter was located in the Masonic Lodge there. I have her pictures and newspaper articles of service awards she received.  My natural father was a mailman in the Air Force where I was born at Elmendorf Air Force Base.  Somehow when my natural father left the scene my mom, divorced, remarried and had my new dad adopt me all at once.  His name is my name on the birth certificate.  I just sent off for a copy of my original birth certificate and adoption papers.

 

I guess I would like to understand the connection from innocent people living there normal lives to the awful stuff in my head. There is a little of everything.  Money, SRA, pornography, rituals, electroshock, drugs, murder, even a memory where they initiated me to belong to Satan when I was still a baby.  I feel at times like I want to write a best seller and make money but the stuff is too real and then I scare myself.  I have lived much.

 

I finally learned I wasn't stupid about two years ago.  My IQ is around 140. I have had paranormal or psychic experiences all my life.  It’s normal for me to see better in a spiritual sense than understand real people.  I have prayed tirelessly for God to cast out the evil from me and let me hear the Holy Ghost.  I am better than I was. I used to have the visitations of angels but as I have gotten stronger I don't see them as much.

 

I know what you wrote is true. I have seen it in bits in pieces throughout my life and heard much of what you teach. I just haven't figured out yet why no one has come to claim me and take back from me the clarity of my mind I have worked so hard to have since I was a little girl.  I grew up rebellious always telling myself; "They will not take my mind..."  Until recently I had no clue why I felt that way.

 

I am not mpd that I know of.  I have post traumatic stress disorder but my fear of drugs and doctors has been with me forever and I never take anything but Tylenol if I can't wade myself through it. I even had six children at home with midwives and no painkillers because those fears were so strong from such a young age.

 

I guess I don't really know how you can help me except to acknowledge my email, tell me that I am not crazy which I already know.  I love my kids.  They are beautiful. It's a blessing my parents are deceased.  I didn't start to really heal until that happened.  I hadn't seen my mom in 10 years. My step dad isn't a perp as far as I know and I did get to see him before he died.

 

Is there anyplace I can find out how my mom was involved with any of this other than what I have?  I guess I just want a little bit more evidence.  I have known many people who join organizations and are used by them and innocent. I haven't really made the understanding yet of connections between SRA and Masons.  I have been told but don't yet understand.

[Note by "Branton": It is common knlwledge that Freemasonry was infiltrated by the illuminati many years ago, as you will be able to see through the following net-search for Masonic infiltration by the Illuminati]

 

Well, if you choose to respond thanks.  Thank you for all your Good Works, In the Name of Jesus Christ Amen Wendella K.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Attempted Suicide

 

I learned much from this next memory. I learned that my mother had compassion on me, even from before I was born. I knew then that she loved me and I was able to forgive her all that her life caused me to experience. I hope, for you, the reader, the same.

 

 

April, 2000

 

It is 8:30 p.m. and I am sick. I took some alcohol to calm me down.  About two hours ago I started to feel very strange. Hot, poisoned.  All my kids won't leave me alone.  My son is helping.  God where are you?  A friend called. He is okay but will never be my husband. I love my kids.  Help them.  Where am I?  Called my counselor.  I can't call XXXXXX.  He doesn't understand.  I am scared.  Help! Help, help, help, help.  Its black and white and I am spinning.  I am lost I don't know where I am.  They are coming. Voices.  All kinds of voices.  I can't hear them but it some how faces people, lots coming fast.  I can't tell who they are. My head hurts. I don't want to be sick.  They gave me something that made me sick.  I threw up.  They gag me, it's not me, my mom, and they (she) tried to abort me.  She is in the hospital now; she tried to commit suicide. She is crying.  I am outside her body and it's all dark.  She is on IV.  Black man comes and smiles, "She is ours you know.  You can't have her." (Meaning me the baby inside.) "She will come early," he says, “and we will claim her."

    

 

 

The following is an email I sent to someone who kindly was trying to warn me that my memories were induced by over enthusiastic therapists. This is what I wrote:

 

 

Concern For You 

 

Hello. I am a mother with several young children at home in my care. I am now 2 years into recovering memories of SRA and possible mind control. I was raised near Elmendorf Air Force Base in Anchorage Alaska from 195X to 196X.  If you have any information on any experimentation there in Anchorage, I would be interested in finding out. 

 

Sincerely, Wendella

 

(Response from person with abuse/survivor website)

 

Dear Wendella,

 

Sorry for not getting back to you sooner. I do not know of any particular activity in that area, or of any reports of such. 

 

When you say you are 2 years into recovering memories of SRA and mind control, I assume you are in some kind of therapy where you discovered that you had this previously unknown history?

 

Please forgive me for speaking before knowing more of the facts in your case, but in a great many cases I am very leery of such therapy and its findings if you previously had no other reasons to suspect such abuse.  There are many tragic stories of women who have been drawn into a sad spiral of belief in more and more sensational and impossible SRA and MC histories, mostly brought on by therapists who see SRA as the root cause of all their patients’ problems (and who may claim to be SRA survivors themselves.) 

 

This can lead to decades of expensive therapy that leaves the patient penniless and no better off than when they started, indeed often much worse off due to the traumatic nature of the therapy and hospitalization involved.  Very few of these methods of therapy involve developing skills to handle whatever symptoms or problems are interfering with the patient's normal life.  So rather than helping the patient become more self-sufficient, many patients end up in unhealthy, overly dependent relationships with their therapists. Being a recovering SRA victim becomes a way of life.

 

Again, I hope you do not interpret anything I have said negatively, I just urge you to be cautious and careful.  Please write back anytime.

 

Name of Sender

 

 

 

 

 

I agree with this person wholeheartedly.  I am trying to end the intensive search I began 7 months ago for answers and allow myself to return to a more normal life. The purpose of writing this book includes putting as much of this horror behind me as I can. 

 

 

Making yourself a life of being a victim does not bring happiness...