Chapter One: The First Forty Years
May 23, 2000
Hi. My name for now will be Susan. A common name that everyone knows.
I am going to be 44 years old this June. I am single, raising 7 of my own children who all live with me. The oldest is 20 years, a son, and the youngest is 5 years, a girl. I have had a very complicated and sad life, yet in my belief in Jesus Christ and his mercy, He has led me to be able to find the true source of my troubles and has led me to learn to not be afraid to love and raise my children.
I was asked to write a narrative. It will be contrite, from my heart, but may seem cold as it will have to include so much the average individual may not be able to accept it.
Everything I include here is true to the best of my knowledge. In the area of recovery that I am in many would say I have false memories; yet I would challenge them that no counselor, therapist, friend and especially family member, has ever in anyway influenced what I believe are my memories.
From the beginning of Time Man has had the ability to choose good from evil. Each one of us is responsible for their own choices. Sometimes they are sad because others choices overpowered the minds ability to accept peace and trust, love and security and with this inability comes sadness.
I have changed Millenniums from whence I began my journey to heal. Here is a poem I wrote which explains at times how I feel:
Millennium
Wow! I am free to begin a whole new life.
An existence free from pain. Joy radiates within me.
Pain, I can no longer see. Yet, I am alone.
Where can You be?
Oh! There you are; right beside me.
Hello. This is me.
Will you come and share this new
Millennium with me? Wow! Let's Go!!!
In my current healing I receive feelings and then pictures and as yet have not put them all together. I have read books on people who are healing from what I am and it takes years to undo what is harmful to you as a child.
For the benefit of this article, I will try to focus on how these experiences have affected all the aspects of being a mother; i.e. the desire to be a mother, under what circumstances that comes, what hopes and fears and accomplishments there have been, how as I heal my perspective of my past, present and future have changed and become more in balance or alignment so to speak.
If you get lost trying to follow me in my journey, don't feel alone. You can't feel anymore lost than I do...
I want to thank Mickey for giving me this opportunity to share. Sharing is a great part of healing. Thank you Mickey!
My given name is Wendella.
What I knew...
Was that I always wanted to please everyone.
What I didn't know...
Was why.
What I knew...
Was that many things made me so afraid I didn't know that I was afraid.
What I didn't know...
Was that all my fears existed and then later that they weren't the average fears
of a young girl.
What I knew...
Was that I loved men and wanted to please them.
What I didn't know...
Was why.
I grew up in
This may seem strange to you that I mention this, but within its message is the key to my life. I had to be clean and I had to be in control. Otherwise my whole existence was threatened...
I thought I had a normal childhood. Everyone believes this. No one realizes until they leave home and gain new experiences and start to compare existence's that what they lived may not have been the norm. In our current society normal doesn't exist. But the extremes of my existence are still somewhat unknown. You could call it, "A Life of Secrets"...
I never lacked for any physical needs. Only emotional ones. There were many children in our neighborhood. I didn't like any of them as they only had one desire - to play sexual games. I now know that this was because of the unknown activities of our parents at the time. It also is another clue to the secrets of my life.
My mom never had to spank me. I couldn't tolerate it for one. Anyone who ever even showed any displeasure with my actions devastated me. I had to have all the people around me smiling and not silent or I was propitiate to them. I would make gifts, ask to please them constantly. I think this drove my mother nuts at times as in her denial of things it made her feel guilt whereas she could only disassociate from her own pain and actions involved with me to exist.
I was in my thirties when I discovered what alcoholism meant. I never knew that my mom was one until after she died and my brother told me. He became an alcoholic too. She wasn't physically abusive to me, but allowed others to be so. She labeled me many things. Labeling is discussed in therapy programs if you desire to learn about it.
We always had dogs. In looking at my mom's teenage years on film she always had a dog. I think she was lonely growing up too.
We left
As a teenager I became involved with a cult. They showed what I thought was caring for me. I was involved with it for 6 years. They only wanted money.
While in the cult I had many relationships with men. Two relationships ended up with me having abortions. I had no conscious knowledge I was taking a life. And I had no one around me who cared enough to stop me.
My oldest child was born imbetween. I had met a man and was so down in my heart I wanted to have someone to love me. I met him and asked him two weeks later if I could get pregnant. I wanted someone to love me. That was the reason I got pregnant. We never married and had lots of experiences together. The father had his own problems but was never abusive to me. We are currently friends and he lives close by. And my son is my friend. What a miracle God sent me...
I was also blessed while pregnant with this child to meet a couple who taught Bradley Natural Childbirth classes. The incubators they were placed in when born, blinded them both. They taught me to never trust hospitals, doctors, meditation, but instead to take vitamins, drink pure water etc. A whole world of knowledge. I gave birth naturally with a male doctor in a "new" birthing clinic. I didn't know at the time how unusual my desires for natural childbirth were. I delivered without any drugs for pain, and I had lots and lots of pain, no episiotomy etc. I was allowed to take my baby home just a few hours later. I have always been terrified to leave
my children with anyone until they were old enough to talk for themselves. Now I know it's because of my real childhood....
We did well for awhile and then I experienced post partum depression but didn't know that was what I was feeling until years later. I separated from the father and went my own way. I had many journeying and we moved 20 times in 10 years.
I ended up back home when leaving the cult. It was awful. They were very emotionally abusive. Details aren't important. I was so shaken I went home to my mom which I hated to do. I was totally incapable of doing anything except reading. She had to potty train my son. I was so afraid of people I didn't leave the house for 3 months. The father moved to
My journey then went to another man, and another. I was compelled by fear not to be alone. I still have that problem. The daughter we had was born at home with a midwife. It was wonderful. I nursed all my children until I couldn't, i.e. they needed solid food or my milk ran out. This gave me a sense of not neglecting them, which I feared greatly.
I never could understand why I couldn't let my kids cry. It destroyed me. My Aunt told me a story a couple of years ago on how my mom, when I wasn't even 6 months old, had come to visit them in
Well, I found another man willing to marry me. We ended up together for 10 years having 4 children. We are friends now. In order to heal from this experience I had to attend a 12-week college accredited course on Mental Illnesses. It is put out by NAMI, the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill. So many people had treated me like I was crazy since I was a child, (At birth the doctor told my mom that I would be mentally retarded. I always thought I was until about 8 years ago. We remember everything, scary huh!) that I decided to go get the help everyone said I needed. In simply attending the class and listening to other families talk about their ill family members, I learned first that I wasn't crazy and second my husband of 10 years was manic depressive or bipolar. To this day he
won't get medical assistance of any kind...
In my attempt to flee my husband of 10 years I had an interlude with the Division of Family Services in the state we resided in. I had left there and went on a trip, met an old boyfriend who later tried to kill a daughter of mine. This whole experience forced me into counseling in order to regain custody of her. It was horrendous. At the hospital she was at a Nun had to come to me as I was in shock and tell me that someone had tried to hurt my daughter. My whole life changed from that moment on.
(Note: I had taught myself to disassociate from pain as a child and be my own teacher and healer while at the same time being abused. This quality came out in the cult I was in but I didn't understand that at the time. It's like being about 4 people at once. So when the courts ordered me into counseling in order to get my daughter back I decided to make it a positive experience. No counselor ever told me anything. All they ever did was listen and ask questions for me to think about. I guess providence held my hand.)
So, I have regained my daughter and eventually divorced the father. In that I ran to another man who turned out to be worse in many ways than the man I was with. The story of my life. We had a child as well. I had a compulsion to get pregnant in order to keep the man happy so he wouldn't hurt me or leave me. I had no idea how strong this compulsion was. It was only last month I finally got custody of this child. The father was sexually abused by his parents and allowed his children of a former marriage to have incest with no understanding how to cope with it. Yes, sad. Yes, true. Now I am free of them all except to be friends at my choosing. All of the fathers of my children were emotionally controlling and at times physically abusive except the first one.
I had given birth 6 times at home with midwives. I never had drugs. I was very good about keeping my body healthy (except emotional stress) and never smoked. I do again now. It's too hard to quit for just myself. All the midwives were very supportive. Each father had different reactions. The last three fathers became violent during the pregnancy which I learned is normal when they are sick themselves. It is called the cycle of abuse. I realized their own fears of increased responsibility brought on their anger. The father of the four with the birth of our first child did this during the time I was in labor. He went upstairs and got his gun, which I didn't know he had. He was delirious. He said he was going to kill himself. I called the
local church for help. They calmed him down. He had a fever of 106 degrees. After they came he changed completely. He waited on me hand and foot for three days with no problems. With the birth of the second child by him he did a similar thing. He contracted strep throat and wouldn't get medical help. When he looked in the mirror one day and realized if he didn't eat etc. he would die, he decided to take vinegar, which actually does kill the strep germs and started to get better. When our third daughter was in foster care he refused to help. I had to beg him for gas money to go see her. I think he is better now. He finally moved close enough to be able to come see his kids after 4 years of absence. Yes, it was awful.
Well, let’s skip ahead. I have left all my ex-husbands and moved to a place for a new start. I had been here one year and started working again after 20 years of isolation and abuse. I did well. I recover well. My kids were all in school and getting medical attention. I was trying to rebuild my life. I knew my father had sexually abused me, as it was confirmed in a very private way. I knew being the daughter of an alcoholic made me feel guilty for being alive as that is a part of their disease you inherit even if you don't drink. I can't drink. It makes me sick. I have my own home, my own car, and my own money and started to find out who I am and not just husbands' shadow. My kids started to calm down and not be excessively afraid of being put into foster care if I didn't do just the right thing. They made friends. I got credit cards, too many! I stayed in the same town and same house. It's a miracle I ever got this far. People in the community helped me with my ex-husband who accused me of child abuse. After 2 years he was proved a liar and idiot after 7 hours in court with no proof. I can't even tell my kids, "No", none the less hurt them physically! I attended many parenting classes to try to learn what a parent is supposed to do and how children learn naturally and what they need to feel loved. So, now I am ready to rejoin my local church. And....surprise!
I decided to pray for forgiveness and ask Heavenly Father to reveal to me what I needed to repent of. I did, and He did. No one in my church understood except my Pastor. He accepted me completely and never looks down on me even though I can't live up to my church's requirements for re-entry. He doesn't understand how much Christ-like love he has given me. It saved my life in a way.
What I write next is abhorrent to most. In the next 20 years more and more like myself will remember. With the Internet and free communication not guarded by big whatevers........... We will tell the stories of our lives... We will heal from that which is unspeakable... We will be free!
All my compulsions to protect my children from being taken from me, from dying under the hands of strangers; all my fears of men and at the same time compulsions to be with them come from my real childhood. Much research has been done. One third of all trauma victims remember nothing, one third remember some, and one third remember all. Each is unique. All is stored within the mind for the individual to take as they can and will for there own personal journey.
Mine is as follows:
(Note to those of you who are survivors: much of this will TRIGGER YOU. Read it at your own discretion please. Thank you.)
I received 24 hours of Satanic Ritual Abuse Memories as an answer to my prayer. These came instantaneously. It took me a whole year to come out of shock. Knowledge has been my friend so I started to research things in my local library and by talking to possibly knowledgeable individuals. I learned nothing so I went to the Internet. Every memory I received was unique to myself. Sometimes after a memory came I would find a similar kind of act being talked about from others, but I knew mine were mine.
I knew they were real because of two things:
When body memories came some of my physical handicaps got better or disappeared.
I found in my memory reasons for many of my fears and could re-evaluate my choices in my current life.
As an old saying is: "The Truth Will Always Set You Free...."
In learning about sra (satanic ritual abuse) I discovered most don't believe it. It's too scary and means man is really evil if they choose to be. It's hard to look at society that way. It hurts too much. Its commonly called Denial....
I also discovered that most who encountered SRA memories were a cover up for intentional government controlled sponsored (and your tax dollars paid for, sorry!) research into all areas of your human body. Telekinesis, psychic phenomena, hypnosis, intentional creation of multiple personalities, testing to see how much a human can withstand of tortures and pain prior to death, the list is endless. I acquired 9 notebooks each 2 inches thick of data in 3 months just from the Internet, none duplicated.
To the groups of people who used my mother, life is only sacred if they can use yours for their purposes.
I feel to not go into detail. I can say I was forced to kill my best friend, I witnessed murder, death, mutilations, ceremonies to combine spirits (dark) and humans. I saw children be born and then immediately sacrificed along with their mothers' for use of the cult. Nothing you might believe in is cared for by them.
I didn't think I had any government connection. I was wrong and still am trying to piece together the puzzle.
I was used in experiments with water, drugs, electroshock, and animals. I was trained to obey my handler. I was trained to know that disobedience meant death.
That is where my conditioning comes from. My compulsion to have children comes from a natural desire to be accepted by my group. My feelings are common among sra survivors. That's how I know I am not crazy.
Until these memories came I always feared my death and that of my children. I never believed in any future. It's still far away from me. Time was always my enemy. I had no knowledge that anyone I loved would be there the next day.
When my journey of healing is done, the future will be my best friend for in it is hope of a
Thank You.
Wendella K.