The Barnicus Bugle -- Volume 42, issue 12

ARSON! MURDER! KIDNAPPING!

Recent days have brought forth a rash of mysterious fires in our fair city, all accompanied by the discovery of corpses within the destroyed structures. It is feared that some strange murdering arsonist is practicing his craft and threatening the very livelihood of Barnicus’ citizens. Witnesses have reported strange metal men at the sites of some of the fires, while others have reported a fiery-haired gnomish mage accompanied by an elven child as the source of the destruction.

Some suspect the elven child may be insane or traumatized, as she apparently spends good portions of her time talking to an imaginary friend. More point out the oddity of a lone elven child in a large city, accompanied by only a fire-wielding gnomish mage. Where are her parents? Why aren’t they keeping better track of her? The writers for this paper had suspected elves of having more integrity and concern for their young, but apparently this child’s caretakers have no more concern for her than a Terrentian trollop has for her masses of screaming bastard children. Others have suggested that the insane fire-wielding gnomish mage has actually abducted the poor youngling for his nefarious purposes.

We at the Barnicus Bugle subscribe to this later theory, seeing as doing otherwise would certainly alienate the elves, who have always been our esteemed neighbors in commerce. Any who have kindness, sympathy, and common decency will certainly rescue the child at the first opportunity and deliver her to the Bugle Office, where the upstanding citizens in charge can assure her safe passage to Highport where she will be reunited with her own kind, who will certainly be better able to locate her parents. . . . and will also, no doubt, express their gratitude in the acceptable fashion.

A Destinies A

The Tree of Life (early spring)

A confession will alter a unique relationship. A strong internal shift is what is needed to set you free. Take a romantic risk today.

The Talking Fish (late spring)

Something that haunts can easily be exorcised this morning. Love blossoms in the evening. Socializing in large circles is effective.

The Sea King’s Crown (early summer)

A loved one may disrupt your routine, but the result will be fulfilling. Disregard other’s disapproval and go with your instincts.

The Giant (late summer)

You are fascinating and irresistible at a social gathering this evening. Your requests are honored, so be specific.

The Chalice (early fall)

you are rewarded for your faith try not to go crazy with anticipation.. the event you await will arrive soon.

The Chicken (late fall)

The winds of change rock your world now. One change has a domino effect. A Pirate’s Ship solves a lingering problem.

The Pirate’s Ship (early winter)

An innocence in love is your secret weapon. By learning something new, you become irresistible to that person you admire.

The Hammer (late winter)

diplomacy is vital. a trend sweeps your social network ask for proof... don’t accept another’s word listen carefully and memorize names

LADY MELISSANNA CURED!

MASQUERADE CELEBRATES RETURN!

Upon her amazing return last week, Barnicus’ darling debutante, the Lady Melissanna fell grievously ill, though this did not stop courtiers from arriving day and night to woo her from afar. Miraculously, a mere day later, the Lady recovered, no doubt due to the loving thoughts bestowed upon her from every citizen of Barnicus. In honor of her return from her voyage abroad, Lady Melissanna's father, the prestigious Merchant Antonio, is holding a three-day masquerade ball. Admittance is invitation only, and the guest list of the ball reads like a “Who’s Who” of Barnicus society, ranging from his Royal Highness Merchant Prince Jarvis to the entire membership of the Academus of Magickus Ithicus.

The ranks of the invited are swelled with her many suitors, all exuberantly joyful at the return to health of Antonio's only heir. Some marvel at her beauty, others at her grace, and a good number (no doubt) at the considerable fortune she will one day inherit. For whatever reason, each hopes to win her affections. “I’m so glad she’s not a vegetable,” quoth one, “though I’d love her even if she were!”

Inquire to Lady Etiquette

Dear Lady Etiquette, I’ve got a friend who’s really nice and who’s completely gone on this girl, who’s really nice, too, and she’s throwing a ball with neat costumes and stuff and it’s going to be a lot of fun, and my friend (not the one who’s gone on the girl, a different one) already helped me pick out a costume for it -- well, helped me find somewhere that had the costume I wanted, or could make it, anyway, since it was kind of a specialty item, but... where was I? Oh, right, the guy. Anyway, he’s never been to a ball before, and he doesn’t know how to dance or anything, but he wants to know a good way to try and impress this girl, and he’s too shy to write you, so I thought I would instead, and I’m really hoping you can come up with something because I’m out of ideas. Sincerely, Not An Elf Child.

Gentle Reader, I can understand the concerns of going to one’s first ball; it is always such an exciting experience for young children, as well as young suitors. It is something that should be approached with care and deliberation. While Lady Etiquette could inquire regarding the nature of the ball, and if it will be a single evening of celebration or a gala event, she will simply assume that the event is a three-day, invitation-only party thrown by someone of wealthy means in honor of a happy event, such as a homecoming. (To which, by the way, Lady Etiquette is still awaiting an invitation.)

Regarding dancing, if dancing will occur, one must be proficient in the style of dancing in order to participate. However, for a particularly forgiving partner, simple enthusiasm is sufficient if accompanied by profuse apologies for damaged toes. Regarding pledging one’s love to a lady who is sought after by many of the most eligible bachelors (including Lady Etiquette’s own very handsome and courtly son) I can only offer sympathy.

PS Though I do find reading letters from children to be most enjoyable, I would advise you to ask your governess for help with punctuation in your lessons.

Under the Tire, Into the Frying Pan

A grisly and strange sight greeted residents of the upper merchant district one morning earlier this week. A cartload of pigs destined for the table of Merchant Antonio suffered an accident, which left the cart overturned and many poor piggies bleeding in the street. However, the Antonio's cooks arrived on the scene quickly and were able to save his bacon.

Personals

To inquire, contact the Barnicus Bugle Office on Parade Street

SINCERE, FUNNY BADGER

seeks open-minded snuggle-bunny. I may be under enchantment, but I have needs, too!

WANTED

Wizard conclave in need of mage to dispatch revolting peasants. References a must. Compensation substantial.

COME AND GET ME

Cultured, debonair prince with excellent singing voice in need of rescue. Leotard of Bodacious Curves and Artful Ripping a plus.

FOR SALE

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

GOOD CLEAN FUN

Come forget your cares at the Barnicus Bath and Billiards. In one room you can play with balls, and in the other, you can play billiards!

IN SOME CULTURES

what I do would be considered normal. Curious?

FOR SALE

An antique desk suitable for a lady with thick legs and large drawers.

WANTED

Seeking sea-king artifacts.

FOUND

Basilisk with taste for turnips. Please retrieve from Goodwife Gregor’s garden.

READ MY MIND

Psychic seeks friend. You know who to call.

WANTED

Someone to light the lamps. Gifts given to all applicants.

FRIEND MADE ME DO THIS.

‘Sanna, really like. Hope you like too. G.

WANTED

Town in need of hero to dispatch wizard conclave. References a must. Substantial reward.

LOCKSHY’S COIN CHANGING

Why go somewhere else to be cheated? Come here first!

WINGS OF SILVER

bathed in dew, the dance is wilder danced by two.

WANTED

Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce.

TIRED OF CLEANING YOURSELF?

Let us do it! The Handy Handmaidens are always willing to lend a hand... or whatever else is necessary!

FOR SALE

Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.

FOUND

small glass ball. Will return upon proof of ownership.

MISSING

Sanity. Please return ASAP. The voices in my head are driving me nuts!

WARRIOR? PRINCESS? TRAMP?

I’m not picky! I’ll take all comers!

WANTED

Man to take care of manticore that does not smoke or drink.

NEEDED

Miracle. ASAP.

FOR SALE

Griffon. Eats anything. Fond of children.

LOST

Ring of gold, inscribed with fiery letters.

FOUND

Libido. Let me return it to you... special delivery!

HEART OF GOLD

breath of flame, ages old, seeking same.