Barnicus Bugle Vol. 11, issue 42

TWO MORE FOUND DEAD!

The reign of terror in the docks district continues! A young couple was found dead on the guard house steps, both mutilated horribly and their hearts apparently ripped out of their bodies!

This brings the total killed in this way to fifteen, and the guards are becoming desperate as the populace starts to panic. All attempts to determine who is perpetrating these horrible acts have failed, and the guards are now offering a reward of a thousand barns for the perpetrator.

DUKE’S SON ASSASSINATED --

FLORA IN TURMOIL

Special reports have reached us that assassins most foul have killed the Duke’s son and only heir to Flora. It is not yet known who is behind this evil deed, nor what may be gained by such an act. All, however, join the Duke in his mourning.

The heir, although only eleven summers old, was well-loved by his future subjects. He was often seen hunting the local game with his father. In fact, the Duke had commissioned the bowyer/fletcher to make a special bow for the boy’s twelfth birthday, which would have been in two weeks. “It’s a real tragedy,” said the bowyer. “I worked real hard on it -- I was looking forward to seeing him bring home his first rabbit with it.”

Rumor and speculation have been running rampant with the lack of concrete details. Many rumors attribute it to a potential attempt to seize the throne by one of the Duke’s relatives, and thus would expect an attempt on the Duke’s life to immediately follow. Others have speculated that the Duke himself may have perpetrated the killing, and that his wife will be next. As you will recall, three issues ago we ran a feature on the Duke’s mistress, a power-hungry Terentian trollop who is now reportedly begotten with child (though whether it is the Duke’s is anyone’s guess, knowing the Terentians). Is the Duke clearing the way for his love child? Is it really his? And will he be the next victim, once she has gotten what she wants?

HIDDEN WORD

C	O	F	S	D	G	S	H	Y
S	P	I	C	E	S	A	N	A
K	E	G	M	O	L	I	D	E
C	A	S	N	R	A	B	L	T
O	W	H	E	A	T	F	O	K
L	I	R	H	T	I	M	G	N

SPICES

NOBLES

BARNS

WHEAT

SILK

MITHRIL

GOLD

GEMS

FIGS

LOCKS

The Tree of Life (early spring)

Your friendliness and kindly nature shall win you friends. Money is abundant in the coming days if you have the will to grasp it. People are astounded by your quick wit.

The Talking Fish (late spring)

Do not hesitate to pursue your desires. There is room for many kinds of relationships in your life.

The Sea King’s Crown (early summer)

Things you do have effects beyond what you can see. Luck comes in threes.

The Giant (late summer)

You feel compelled to explain your behavior, but actions speak louder than words. Seek out the Tree of Life and the Pirate’s Ship for affection.

The Chalice (early fall)

An authority figure is secretly measuring your effectiveness. The journey is more important than the goal.

The Chicken (late fall)

You are complex, but you crave a simpler lifestyle. The clock is ticking on a business deal - decide now!

The Pirate’s Ship (early winter)

Patience pays off when something you have long hoped for arrives. Married couples have luck in improving communication.

The Hammer (late winter)

Be the daring one in your group. Your imagination has no limits and creates opportunities where only hobbies existed before.

Inquire to Lady Etiquette

Dear Lady Etiquette, I recently entertained a delegation of dwarves, and I was wondering what the correct protocol would be for dealing with dwarven hangovers? Sincerely, Out Of Spirits.

Gentle Reader, Oh, dear. You seem to have gotten yourself into a bit of a bind. Lady Etiquette is quite familiar with the unpleasant situation caused by a single dwarf which imbibed too graciously the previous night. She fears to think of what an entire delegation of dwarves feeling the effects of last night’s revels would be like. Unfortunately, Lady Etiquette can only advise one possible solution, which the dwarves themselves tend to favor. They quaintly refer to it as “the hair of the dog that bit them.” This seems to involve imbibing even greater quantities of the substance which left them in such a grievous state. Lady Etiquette has been tempted to attempt a cold dunking in a rain barrel, but this would be both impolite and possibly hazardous. If you wish to avoid dealing with hung-over dwarves in the future, Lady Etiquette would advise providing accommodations for them outside of one’s own home.

Late-breaking news!

Merchant Antonio’s daughter, the much-sought-after Melissanna, has returned! She was last seen in the odd company of a gnome, an elf, a human, two dwarves, and what appeared to be a stunted elf-child. Our sources were unable to determine where she has been for so long, but it is obvious she was not on Ventris. Other informants claim she has been struck with a mysterious illness and her recovery is uncertain. Despite this rather grim fact, potential suitors are lining up at the door in hopes of courting Barnicus’s most eligible debutante. “I’d love her even if she was a vegetable,” one romantic gushed.

Personals

RUGGED HANDSOME WARRIOR

seeks blushing damsel in distress. Ya wanna help me sheath my sword?

LOOKING FOR

ADVENTURE?

I’m on a mission. Woodsman wanted. Come and get me.

FOR SALE

One set of armor, slightly used, mildly soiled, cheap.

WANTED

Princess to kiss frog. Princes not guaranteed.

ANNOUNCING

Lady Marcella’s latest fashion dresses! Very exciting! Simply the tops!

HERO FOR HIRE

Experienced with dragons, mothers-in-law, and other dangerous creatures.

DEAR SNOOKUMS,

Daddy misses you. Please come home. Your cage is nice and warm.

LOST

Virtue. May have dropped, looking for someone to go after it. Hurry, before father finds out.

NINEL, LIZETTA, EINAR, ARMYN, TULLY, AND LEONARD

just so you know, my wife is out of town.

FOUND

Basilisk with taste for turnips. Please retrieve from Goodwife Gregor’s garden.

WANTED

Dragon to kidnap maiden. Preferably before wedding.

LIFE LESS THAN GOOD?

Maybe you need a new god. Come on down and find out about Athena. Service at sundown. Take a walk on the wise side.

WANTED

Town in need of hero to dispatch wizard conclave. References a must. Substantial reward.

MAGE FOR HIRE

Talents include turning people into frogs and frogs into tasty snacks. Great at children’s parties.

WANTED

Widower with children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

LOST

9th-order summoned fire elemental. If found, please contact Fizban.

WANTED

Weapon to grant skill of master in a duel. Need by Thursday.

WANTED

Help.

MISSING

Bride. Need replacement quick.

WANTED

Wizard conclave in need of mage to dispatch revolting peasants. References a must. Compensation substantial.

I’M A STRAWBERRY!

Who wants to eat me?

QUALITY NOT

QUANTITY

I don’t care how big your sword is, as long as you wield it with style.

WANTED

Spell to banish creatures summoned from nether regions. Need ASAP.

COME TO THE CLOAK AND DAGGER TAVERN

where the beer is cheap, the wenches are comely, and there’s always a dark corner available.

LOST

Ring of gold, inscribed with fiery letters. If found, contact Sauron.

I LOVE YOU

whichever one you are.

HEART OF GOLD

breath of flame, ages old, seeking same.