Thursday 7th November 2002

So it has been a while, and I could possibly make up all the excuses in the world for not updating, basically it's embarrassing. This whole site is embarrassing. I probably shouldn't even attempt to update considering the amount of alcohol I have consumed since arriving home from work. ;-) But what the hell - it's my site. lol In three months (yes since my last update) I have been avoiding anything to do with weight loss. I know you are expecting me to say that I have gained, but I haven't (shock horror). I have been trying to work through a lot of issues, mainly to do with my mum. Whilst I think I have succeeded in putting the need for her approval out of my mind, I have a tinge of sadness that it's taken me this long to actually do it. I always used to think that regret was a waste of time...I still think that, but it doesn't stop me feeling it. About two months ago, I took the kids to my mum's place, I also went to my home town for the first time in 4 years to see my brother and his wife's new baby boy, Toby. I felt strange the whole time, like I didn't belong and my children definetley didn't belong. It's the first time I have ever felt totally isolated. I feel it again now as I write this. At my mum's place, my son decided he didn't want to eat dinner and I know from experience that forcing the issue with him only makes it worse. I saw my mother getting angry with him and I knew (from my childhood) that she was going to do her stack. I said 'Mum, don't' in the most calm manner I could. Then she turned on me, I knew she would. I guess as a mother myself, I would do anything to protect my children from anything and anyone that was possibly going to do them harm, especially emotionally. She accused me of being way to soft and made out that my children walk all over me. Basically she did what she always ends up doing....making me feel like shit. I wanted to walk out then and there. Was I too gutless?? Was I thinking too much about the consequences of my actions..if I did walk out?. It was late, and I knew I wouldn't make it back to Canberra especially with three young childen in the car. I left the next morning and as I was leaving, my son said to my mother 'Bye grandma - I love you'. How wonderfully forgiving children are. It was too precious and I hope it struck my mother like a cold bucket of water. I haven't gone into much detail as to what happened that night, but needless to say. I haven't called my mother since. She called me about a week later, and started explaining how depressed she's been feeling (her idea of an apology)and how she thinks that she needs HRT. I said that she should give it a go, I haven't spoken about much to her about my life or what's been happening. If she asks about my weight I avoid it totally, she's not stupid, I am sure she can take a hint. Of course I talk about the kids and the weather but I have realised out of all of this that her pride and approval, that I so longed for..will never happen. And I am a fool to think it could ever happen. It's just a pipe dream. I didn't really want to be a sad sack tonight, and I do have to say that despite my hurt over past incidence such as that one, I feel a lot better about myself, I am feeling like it's time to just to find the real me again. Not the mother, not the wife and all the hundreds of other roles I have to slip into, but to find out who I really am, and what I really want out of the rest of my life. I think I have to continue this another day....am feeling very tired now. I just felt I had to write it down......