Wasn't it about time paintballers had some jokes? Well here they are!
Now, I made fun of EVERYBODY equally, even myself. Tournament players, recreational players, refs and newbies. If you have thin skin, read something else.
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QUESTION: How can you tell a tournament player from a recreational player in a fancy restaurant, when they're both picking their noses?
ANSWER: The tournament player picks his nose with his MIDDLE finger.
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QUESTION: How can you spot the tournament player at a stock game?
ANSWER: He's got his twelve gram on a remote. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An amateur team captain was seeking advice on getting sponsorship from the local fields. He decided to seek advice from the team captains of the two local professional teams--the Splatteroos and the Renaissance Painters.
"Well," said the captain of the Splatteroos, "We go to a local field, play fairly, don't abuse newbies, treat the staff with the respect they deserve and then approach the field owner for sponsorship at the end of the day. However, with that said, my colleague here is more successful at it than I am, he is sponsored by nine out of the twelve fields in the area."
"It's not really that hard," The captain of the Renaissance Painters remarked, "We hire guys to go to a local field and 'squid bash', hose players, continually harass the staff."
"How can that work to your advantage?" The Captain of the Splatteroos asked.
The Captain of the Renaissance Painters smiled and answered, "Because the guys we hire say they're Splatteroos and how they'd never join a team like the Renaissance Painters and that's when I show up and ask for sponsorship from the field."
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A couple of teammates were going to the local paintball store and they stopped by the team captain's house, to pick him up. As they were leaving, the team captain's wife said, "Have fun, and don't spend any money." To which the captain remarked, "Make up your mind."
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QUESTION: How many tournament players does it take change a light bulb? ANSWER: Only one, but he needs a ref to "Check it, check it, check it, check it . . ."
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QUESTION: How many recreational players does it take to change a light bulb? ANSWER: Ten, cause every tournament player knows one pro is worth ten Rec-Ballers.
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QUESTION: How many tournament refs does it take to change a light bulb? ANSWER: None, the stupid, blind refs can't TELL when it's burnt out.
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QUESTION: How many newbies does it take to change a light bulb? ANSWER: None, they're used to being in the dark.
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Did you hear about the guy whose wife let him play paintball as much as he wanted to and didn't complain about how much money he spent on equipment? Neither did I.
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A mother, who had just watched her son and his friends play paintball, admonished the field owner. "If you gave all of them flags, they would get along better and not shoot each other." (True story)
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QUESTION: What follows two days of rain? ANSWER: Monday.
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Did you hear about the two tourney refs who froze to death at the drive in movie last winter? Apparently, they went to see the movie Closed for the Season.
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-The last tournament I was on was SO rigged . . . -How rigged was it? -It was so rigged, the local team had SO many five man teams that they had run out of normal colours to differentiate them. In fact, they were up to Field Team Salmon Sunrise Indigo.
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A new player was reading an advertisement for a local two-day tournament, the first prize was $100,000.00, and it only cost $100.00 to enter a ten man team. The best part was that you didn't have to pre-register, just show up on game day. He quickly scraped ten guys together, they all went down on the first day of the tournament. Once the team paid their money and registered, they were lead into the woods. In the woods, they were set upon by several people and clubbed unconscious. Twenty minutes later a professional team captain and his team walked in, registered, and were given the same treatment. Two hours later, the players of both teams started to wake up and the inexperienced player asked, "Are they going to serve lunch at this tournament?:" "I dunno," the professional team captain remarked, "They didn't last year."
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SID: That lousy store owner, he sold me a bad batch of paint, kid.
KID: How can you tell?
SID: I can only fit 100 in my VL2000!
KID: I'm glad I'm using field paint, I can get 300 in MY VL2000.
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QUESTION: How can you tell when a paintballer is exaggerating their prowess on the field?
ANSWER: Their lips move.
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You know you're getting old when you seem to be the only one around who knows that the Budd Orr Sniper is NOT a pump action version of the Autococker.
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A new field opened up, with a unique operating system. It was advertised as "pay as you play", where the players didn't have to pay until they were finished for the day and they only payed for as long as they were playing. One player decided that this was a good way to get a free day of paintball. When he was done for the day, he told the field owner that he had forgotten his wallet at home and that he would pay the field owner, next time out. "Sure," the field owner remarked, "I trust you, but to make sure I don't forget, I write your name on a board we've got in front of the sign-in shack. I'll erase it when you've paid me" "Everyone will see it," the player remarked, "and they'll think I'm a dead beat." "Don't worry," the owner remarked, "once the staff hangs all your equipment on it, no one will see your name."
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QUESTION: How can you tell when you've played far too much recreational paintball?
ANSWER: When you're hit with something tossed at you and your immediate response is to yell, "Bounce! No break!".
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QUESTION: How can you tell when you've played far too much tournament paintball?
ANSWER: When you toss something to someone, and it hits them, your immediate response is to yell "Check him, check him, check him . . ." .
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These two guys are telling paintball "war" stories and are trying to outdo each other. The stories become more and more outlandish as the afternoon goes on. One guy decides to tell a story no one could top, just to put an end to the whole affair. "There I was, alone in a fort, with 200 guys surrounding me. I ran from window to window, shouting and shooting so fast, they thought the fort was full of guys. It took me seven hours, but I managed to eliminate all 200." The second guys rubs his chin and says, "I'll tell you an amazing story. We were playing a night game and we were on patrol. We were carrying one of those gas lanterns. We were wading across this chest deep stream when we came under fire and one of the guys drops the lantern. Next year, same field, same stream. I kick something with my foot and I fish it out of the water. It turns out to be the lantern, and get this, it's still lit!" The first guys says, "C'mon, how do you expect me to believe that?" "Well I tell you what," the second guy says, "You change the 200 players to TWENTY and I'll blow out the lantern."
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Will: What's the difference between a paintball marker and a thermonuclear device?
Gill: I don't know.
Will: Remind me not to play paintball with you.
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QUESTION: Why do tournament teams always have five players?
ANSWER: You need a minimum of Grade 12 to play.
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This guy had to have a brain transplant, and he told the doctor that money was no object and that he wanted the best brain available. "Okay," the doctor said, "We have a heart surgeon's brain for ten thousand dollars, a nuclear scientist's brain for one hundred thousand dollars and a professional paintball referree's brain for one million dollars." The patient was dumbfounded, "Why is the professional paintball referree's brain worth more than surgeon's or scientist's?" The doctor replied, "The professional paintball referree's brain has never been used."
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QUESTION: How can you tell the difference between a tournament ref and a normal person, when they're lying dead on the road?
ANSWER: The normal person has the skid marks BEFORE the body.
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QUESTION: What's the difference between a stock game and a electro/semi game?
ANSWER: About 3,000 paintballs. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A very famous and successful tournament team captain, who was also known for being "less than ethical" when he played, was asked what he did with his tens of thousands of dollars worth of prize money. He remarked that he kept it in a paper bag in the attic, so when he dies, as he was passing up to heaven, he could grab the bag and take it with him on the way. A referee remarked, "I've seen you play, don't you think it would be better if you put it in a fire-proof box and kept it in the basement?"
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QUESTION: What's the difference between a tournament ref and an onion?
ANSWER: Nobody cries when you cut up the ref.
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QUESTION: What happens when a tournament player goes from the amateur to the pro division?
ANSWER: The IQ raises in both divisions.
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QUESTION: What's the most important thing a pump owner should have in his parts kit?
ANSWER: A semi action paintball 'marker.
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QUESTION: What's the difference between an Ultimate Judge and God?
ANSWER: God doesn't just think He's an Ultimate Judge, he is.
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This new player shows up at the field. While walking out to the first game of the day, a ref notices that the new player has a little dog following him. The ref asks the player if the dog is his, the player answers that it is his dog. "You can't take that dog on the field." The ref says. "I have to take him, he's my 'gallery'." the player says, matter- of- factly. The ref asks the player to explain. The player tells him that every time he eliminates an opposing player, the dog sits up on his haunches and applauds. Dumbfounded, the ref allows the player on the field with the dog. Well, the ref doesn't believe this story for a minute, so he follows the new player around during the first game. Soon the new player eliminates somebody and lo and behold, the dog sits up on its haunches and applauds! "What happens when YOU get eliminated," The ref asks, "What does your dog do then?" "Cartwheels." The player says. The ref asks, "Cartwheels? How many?" The player looks at the dog and says, "I dunno, it depends on how hard I kick him."
While not politically correct, the preceding joke IS funny. I do not advocate cruelty to animals, I apologize to those who have been offended by it. It's just a JOKE.
ANSWER: Twenty five minutes.
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NOTE:
This joke takes a little setting up. First you have to have someone who is bragging or denying some aspect of his skill. The player in question will be designated as the [victim] and you can substitute the activity [mentioned like this]. Read and have fun. Once you read the joke, I'm sure you'll understand what I mean.]
--The set up: The [victim] is bragging about how he always has a perfect game and how he never does "stupid newbie mistakes" any more. You say . . .
. . . Funny you should mention that. I was having a routine operation and something went wrong and I floated away from my body. When I got to the Pearly Gates of Heaven St Peter looked at his book and told me that I was too early and that they would be bringing me back soon. "But," he said, "seeing how you're here, we'll give you the orientation tour, and that'll save time when you are really supposed to come here."
We saw many wonders, but the one I remember is the room full of clocks. St. Peter called it the "Paintball Performance Monitoring Room". He explained that every time a player [does something really stupid] during a game, the clock ticks once. I saw every body's clock, except one.
I asked St. Peter, "Where is [victim]'s clock?"
He looked at me and said, "Oh, it's in the lobby--we use it for a fan."
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A few years ago an amateur tourney team captain, Joe, called Bob Long and he asked him:
"Why did you take Dave Youngblood as co-captain?" Bob says: "He passed the intelligence test. I asked him: If your mother has a baby and it's not your brother and not your sister, who is it? And Dave answered: 'It's me' So I hired him."
"Good idea says Joe I'll try that on my Co-Captain."
So he asks his co-captain the same question.
The Co-captain says : "Well can I give you an answer in a day or two?" Joe grants him some time.
The Co-Captain is completely in the dark so he asks Oh Pawlak, "If your mother has a baby and it's not your brother and not your sister, who is it?." Oh answers : "It's me, of course".
Happy, The Co-Captain goes back to Joe and says: "I've got the answer to your question: if my mother has a baby who is neither my brother or my sister, it's Oh Pawlak."
Shaking his head Joe says: "You're such a dork. It's Dave Youngblood you idiot."
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A amateur tourney team was looking for sponsors, they came up with, that they thought, was a novel idea for the letter format.
"Dear Pro$pective $ponsoring Company;
We are a $mall but $ucce$$ful team. We have been looking for $pon$or$. There'$ really not a whole lot of thing$ we can think of that we need de$perately. We are winning lot$ of tournament$ and are really bu$y.
When you have the time, plea$e $end u$ a note $aying what you can $end u$ in the way of $pon$or$hip.
$incerely,
$uper $nake$"
A week later....a letter from 'THE COMPANY'
Dear Stupid Snakes;
We kNOw that amateur tournaments are NOt eNOugh to keep even an hoNOurable and successful team busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task and you can never play eNOugh.
Good Luck for NOw
The Company
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A man comes to a local paintball field, asking how he can play for free. The field owner says, "Get me a sheep, and you can play for free, for the rest of your life." The player didn't want to know why the owner wanted a sheep, but if it would get him free play for life, he didn't really care.
Next door to the field was a huge sheep ranch, so the player went there. He met the shepherd in the field, tending his flock. "Those are nice sheep," the player stated.
"They should be," the shepherd said, "they're worth $5,000.00 a head."
The player was amazed, undaunted, he wanted to get a sheep, but what was the sense of paying five grand to play for free? "I tell you what," the player suggested, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?"
The shepherd agreed and the player made his guess, "Four hundred and forty-three." The farmer was amazed, that's exactly how many sheep he had in this particular pasture. The player went into the flock to collect his prize.
The farmer stopped him and said, "If I can guess what you do, will you give me back the sheep?" The player agreed, to which the farmer proudly stated, "You're a professional Paintball tournament referee."
"You're right," said the player, "How'd you know?"
To which the farmer replied, "Put the dog down and I'll tell you."
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QUESTION: Why do tournament players say "Check him, check him . . ."?
ANSWER: Because "I hit that guy on the loader" has too many syllables.
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Someone once asked me why are paintballs .68 calibre and not some round number, like .70 calibre?
I answered that if they were .70 calibre, they wouldn't fit in the paintmarkers. (This is from a true story. Needless to say, that person doesn't ask me questions anymore!)
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QUESTION: What do players do, when they can't play worth beans?
ANSWER: Write for paintball publications.
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