For my own ease of use, I'm moving my journal to liveJournal. You can find mine at /users/exspes.
See yas.

  posted by james @ 12.11.02

 
choose your own title day
soundtrack: if i told you this was killing me, would you stop? [the juliana theory]
mood: penitent
On Saturday night I went out to Mittens' place with Renae, Marshall, Forrest and Evan. Renae had rented Donnie Darko and Crime and Punishment in Suburbia, and wanted us to see them, so we did. My thoughts?
Darko was overhyped. On the one hand, it was very clever, and certainly thought-provoking. On the other, Donnie is a one-dimensional character, who smacks of nothing else than his fight to stay sane; his girlfriend is nondescript and devoid of personality; and the movie itself doesn't make any fucking sense. I usually wouldn't care about the last point, really, but ending was in the 'what the fuck?' field, like the shitty shitty ending to Tim Burton's shitty shitty Planet of the Apes cover.
Suburbia was at once both better and worse. On the surface, it's about a random social outcast who plays Jesus to the girl of his dreams and has everything work out in the end because he loves her. Certainly the cinematography is great, if the imagery a bit unsubtle - they really hammer it in to you that this kid is supposed to be a modern-day Son of God or summat.
Except he's not. He's a selfish, manipulative obsessive who causes a great deal of damage to several people's lives. See, what I interpret the imagery as, since he's narrating most of the story, is his own belief that he's an infallible Christ-like figure. The problem is, I'm not sure if the people who made this movie were aware that this character wasn't. Hopefully they were. I suppose in theory it doesn't matter at all, and the movie is just very good - but it pisses me off that anyone would think of this kid as some sort of selfless messiah.
Sunday and today both were shortened days at work, Sunday for being Sunday, and Monday for being Remembrance Day. Last night we went sledding on Michener Hill; Jimmy rode down in a shopping cart with tires attached, and almost killed himself, as per usual. Sledding is extra-fun-tastic, although I ended up with snow in every pocket of my clothes and several chilly orifices. Like my nose, and ears.
We went to Boston Pizza, and I got some hot chocolate with Bailey's in and and apple pie. The waitress ID'd me. What the fuck? I realize she's just doing her job, and I'm not mad at her - but when did I start looking like a twelve-year-old-kid? And how much damage could I have done with two shots of Bailey's, for chrissakes? I was not impressed.
I ended up not asking Stacy out, because she didn't show up for work on Saturday. I'm not sure, but that may have been a good thing. I've had an epiphany over the weekend, as you do. It all started with me thinking about what to get Chloe for Christmas.
See, at Leeds I spent so much time flirting with members of the opposite sex because I thought if I made Jen jealous, in some bizarro roundabout way it might rekindle things between us. I can blame this one partly on Kaido, as it was his advice. Anyway, I realized yesterday that after Leeds, I never really stopped doing this, despite having lost sight of the reason. So I'm not going to be making passes at everything that moves with no good reason, like I have been doing.
On the contrary, I'll be making passes with good reasons. My new maxim is self-improvement. If I want to up the odds of ever seeing Jen again, I need to improve the package so there's more demand. So from now on, I'm working out, making and saving more money, grinding culture into me like monosodium glutamate, and yes, hopefully dating to get some more experience in relationships. My new plan is to take journalism at U of A and get my master's somewhere in England, and then go work in London; hopefully by the time I reach that stage I'll have improved myself to such a degree that Jen might be amicable to at least speaking to me again, if not giving things another chance.
On that note, I have to go read a book and lift some weights. Tirrah.

  posted by james @ 11.11.02

 
steal this post
soundtrack: silver [mineral]
First paycheck. I stopped by Chapters on my way home from work, and got Toby Young's biography, How to Lose Friends and Alienate People. I'd seen it at the bookstore in Heathrow, and wanted to buy it, but no-one had it when I got back; Chapters finally got it today. It should be a good read; it's basically a real-life Bridget Jones' diary, except the main character's a guy, and things work out incredible shittily, instead of incredibly well. Which is right up my alley, and I'm sure I'll enjoy it.
I want to go to the Vat tonight. Some random old guy rock band is playing, one of them came into work today. It's been too long since I've seen a live band. Two weeks, yeah, but I'm very impatient. We'll see what everyone wants to do tonight, anyway. It was Lester's birthday on Wednesday, so we'll probably just end up going where he wants. I wouldn't mind going to Catwalk, though - I downloaded Marvel vs. Capcom and have been practicing. Woo.
No grand epiphanies or important thoughts to report, though. My alarm clock woke me up out of a dream about Jen this morning, so I was in a half-euphoric, half-anguish mood when I went to work. But all of the mindless cashiering quickly pushed them both out of my head.
Anyway, I'm going to play some more MvsC and/or Cardea until I feel better. Off I go.

  posted by james @ 8.11.02

 
errata
soundtrack: valentine [the get up kids]
I try to do what's right? What a load of self-aggrandizing bullshit. No, I don't generally try to do what's right. I generally act instinctively and selfishly without thinking. Yes, when I do take the time to think about things, I try to do the right thing, but that's not as often as I'd like.
This is probably the whole reason Jen and I split up. Alright, yes, she should have spoken to me when she started having problems in the relationship, so we could have sorted things out. But just the same, I should have tried harder to get her to talk about things when I realized problems were surfacing. Instead, when she started to withdraw I just started acting 'hurt'. I'm such a selfish idiot.
The most frustrating thing is I'll never get a second chance on this, no continues, no do-overs. I know it's part of life that there sometimes mistakes that you cannot fix - but why did we have to be one of them?

  posted by james @ 8.11.02

 
another day, another worthless canadian dollar
mood: tired of everything
soundtrack: fall from grace [the get up kids]
I don't know what I'm on about with this whole asking-people out thing. Maybe it's the completely wrong direction to be headed in, I don't know. See, generally I try to do what's right - you could say that that's the main driving force in my existence, if you didn't mind making me sound a lot better than I actually am. When I have to make a decision based on something other than ethics, it gets dicey. So, this hooking up deal. No-one's going to get hurt, because I would never imply to someone that I felt more than I really did. Any attachment would be voluntary and I, unlike some people, try to be responsible with other people's feelings.
Ugh, that was such an asshole thing to say.
Anyway. There's nothing 'wrong' per se with wanting to go out with someone while I'm in love with someone else, right? The wrongess would come from cheating, I think. And since Jen doesn't ever want to speak to me again, I think my odds of cheating on her are rather low. Maybe right now I just want companionship of someone to replace at least a small amount of what I've lost. Sure, I won't be in love, so it won't be nearly as meaningful, but at least it'll be something. I still don't understand what I'm feeling. Last night I literally couldn't stop thinking about Jen, and I couldn't sleep at all from all the crying. It's like when you're a kid, and someone tells you 'if you can not think of a purple elephant for three minutes you'll get a wish', and then you can't pull it off. Not that anyone ever said that to me when I was a kid. If anyone had taken such a tupping liberty with me, I'd've shattered their face off.
I applied at Red Deer College today. Need to bump my GPA up so I can get back into university. I tried telling the people at U of A that 'I dropped out for love', but they didn't buy it. Those soulless monsters. Anyway, I'll be in general studies (ie, no major) and just taking 24 credits of random courses. Should be fun, I think I'll take some obscure things like philosophy of child care or summat.
I'm not sure how I'm supposed to tell Dave this, though. At the Liquidation World interview dealie I told him I wouldn't be going back to school until next fall, and at the time it was true, as I didn't know I'd have to do this. I'll probably leave it until around Christmas - I'll still be on probation, so he can always fire me if he doesn't want me to work part-time. Stacy works only one day a week, though, so I don't think it'll be too hard for me to swing something similar. Then again, Stacy's stunning and all I have is my cudgel-sharp wit going for me. We'll see.
I have Saturday off, so I'll probably go out and get sloshed tomorrow night. My first paycheque is coming in tomorrow. However, since I'm saving up for Christmas presents now, I'll just have to get drunk on Black Lable or a mickey of summat hard. Not that that bothers me much. Don't want to be too pissed, though, because the next day (Saturday, if you just started reading down here) I think I'm going to drop by work and ask Stacy out. So, expect me to post something about getting shot down in about 48 hours.
I'm heading off to bed now, tho. Need to work in 7.75 hours or so, and I think I'll get a moderately decent amount of sleep tonight. If I can keep my mind blank, anyway.

  posted by james @ 8.11.02