A Sad, Funny, Strange Story

				

Once upon a time in a make-believe kingdom there lived the most
 beautiful princess on earth. She was fairer than the prettiest maiden,
 with pale blue eyes and soft white skin that was delicately attended
 to night and day by three full-time servants. Her hair was golden and
 long past her feet. A large, black Eunuch who had been given to her 
by a potential suitor, followed her everywhere she went and carried 
the train of her hair to ensure it would never be soiled by the ground. 
The princess was so beautiful that young men from the village would wait 
for hours by a small hole in the palace gate to get a glimpse of her 
passing beauty. There were stories of princes traveling across great 
distances that could take two or more years to traverse to court her, 
but the princess would have none of the suitors. She grew tired of the 
ncessant promises and bullshit of the would-be suitors, and longed most 
all to be left alone. 
	“This beauty is a curse for I have no way to loose it. Rather 
I been born an ugly peasant winch in a house of happiness than a 
princess stricken with such a curse.” She mumbled to herself one day
 as she walked alone in the garden. Of course, the princess considered
 herself alone if she were accompanied by no more than the staff of 
four attendants. But even these four did not know of the princess’s 
secret. There were only three people in the entire kingdom who knew 
the secret; her father the king, her trusted head-servant Blahtilda,
 and a peasant boy that had scaled the palace walls one evening on a 
dare from friends. The wager involved scaling the wall, entering the 
princess’s secret bedroom, and returning with a pair of prized panties
 from her wardrobe. Had the lad been successful he would have no doubt
 made a very important name for himself in the kingdom, for none had 
ever attempted such a stunt, but alas he was discovered by the princess
 and ran screaming away in the night toward the woods never to be seen 
or heard from again. Ten or fifteen guards were dispatched to bring the
 lad back, but to no avail as he was not found crouching behind the 
trees or hiding under the fallen logs, nor was he found cringing in 
the few dwellings of the forest people. They searched for three days
 time, but were forced to return to the palace when the threat of 
violent bandits circulated the local area. In a few weeks time, the 
lad was only a fast-fading memory in the brains of a small few. 
	The evil bandits were soon found to be nothing more than a 
traveling prince and his group of fifty men marching to the palace to
 win the princess’s hand. The prince had traveled for five years from 
the remotest part of the world bearing gifts of all kind to win favor.
 The king received the prince as all suitors of potential are received
 with little hospitality and the tersest of words. The princess was 
brought down from her secret bedroom in the top rear of the palace to 
meet the prince and to examine the gifts. There were assorted animals 
of all kinds in large cages. Wild animals from parts unknown by anyone
 in the small kingdom. Strong peasants carried gold and silver jewelry
 by the chest-full, but the thing that caught the princess’s eye was a
 large goblet made of pure platinum and inscribed with gold lines and 
a face with diamonds for eyes. The princess had never seen anything as
 valuable or beautiful in the meager surroundings of her own palace. 
She lusted for the goblet with a sudden thirst of greed. If she refused
 the suitor he would depart with his gifts so she was forced to entertain
 him for at least a fortnight. “I will send him on an expedition of such 
tasks that he will never be able to accomplish.” The princess quickly out
lined a task of monumental difficulty that would surely thwart his love.
	“If you desire my hand in marriage, than you shall have to prove
 your worthiness beyond the simple wealth shown to me today.” The princess 
said to the traveling prince.
	“My beautiful princess I will travel across both ends of the world 
to bring you whatever your heart desires. Please tell me how to win your 
hand in marriage.”
	“First,” she began “you must travel to the very ends of the earth 
and bring to me the head of Pisces who stands guard of the entrance to 
the waters of the ocean. Be warned though that if you touch the scales 
of Pisces you will be turned into an ugly serpent and doomed to swim the 
earth for eternity.”  
	“My men and I will be off immediately my goddess.” The prince replied.
	“You must go alone. Your men may remain here as my servants until 
your return.” Said the princess.
	“Very well. I shall be off then.” The prince started for the palace 
gates.
	“Wait.” Said the princess. “ You have only until my golden hair 
grows three more inches in length. After that you have failed.” The princess 
warned sternly. 
	The prince journeyed day and night to the edge of the earth. He 
changed horses at every village along the way to maintain the fastest 
speed. When he reached the entrance to the waters of the oceans of the 
world he encountered the hideous monster, Pisces. Pisces had been a 
minor god during the realm of Zeus, but challenged Zeus’s authority 
and was thus transfigured into the form of a giant fish relegated to 
guard the entrance of the waters for eternity. Now, Pisces stood as tall 
as three men, with twelve arms and hands of a man, but the head of a 
gigantic carp with whiskers, fins and scales. His body was that of a 
huge, brown walrus with slippery skin, and he stood on the six short 
legs of a tremendous crab. For all of his terror, Pisces could move 
only a few inches at a time and posed little threat at catching a fast 
running man, but the real danger was merely touching the hideous beast.
If one attempted to thwart Pisces, he would let fly one of his long, 
skinny arms and make contact with the culprit turning the poor man 
instantly into a giant serpent doomed as Pisces was to spend eternity 
in the oceans of the earth. Now several heroes of long-ago legend had 
attempted to defeat Pisces and earn the keys to the entrance of the 
oceans, but all had been reduced to swimming serpents wandering forever, 
and constantly pursued by fisherman for great was their worth as food. 
It had been many eons since there was one with strong enough heart to 
make the attempt, and Pisces grew bored waiting for one such as this. 
It was just such a day that found the fateful encounter between prince 
and fish.
	The entrance to the waters was reached only through a long, 
dark, damp cave. The ceiling of the cave was barely six feet high to 
prevent the monster from escaping his eternal post. Along the interior 
walls of the cave creatures crawled with slimy bodies that resembled 
gigantic centipedes, and hundreds of claws that looked like crab pincers. 
Strange sounds emanated from deep inside the cave as the prince entered 
carefully. Near the entrance of the cave the sounds were that of a low 
groan, but as the prince ducked through the winding turns and corners 
that twisted deeply down into the center of the earth, the sounds became 
clearly the eternal moans of thousands of trapped souls being tormented 
incessantly. The fearless prince threw off the slimy creatures that 
dropped onto him from the wet ceiling and walls of the cave. There was 
no light past the first two corners of the winding cave, and the prince 
was forced to feel along the walls of the cave for fear of running headlong 
into a wall of creaures. Several times he was bitten, and he hacked through 
literally hundreds of slimy bodies with his small dagger, but the 
creatures appeared anew at each turn of the cave. When this seemd to go 
on for hours and miles, the prince finally began to see a soft green 
glow of light around the next corner. As the prince neared the soft green 
light, he came to a point where the floor of the cave was quickly covered 
with giant pink worms almost as thick as a man’s upperarm. Each had a single 
eye and a slit for a mouth. One of the worms slithered toward the prince’s 
feet and suddenly arched its head up nearly two feet from the ground, 
and only a few inches from the prince’s knees. A terrible hiss emanted 
from its mouth like steam being released from a pipe, and the prince 
could clearly see the small, razor teeth that lined the worm’s mouth 
like the jagged teeth of a shark. The prince stepped back a few feet 
and drew his large sword from its scabbard. Within a few seconds, 
hundreds of worms had appeared and forced the prince still further back 
into the darkness. The hissing became increasingly louder as more worms 
joined the chant. The passage to his front became a wall of hissing 
mouths, and large black eyes. The prince tried valiantly to slice one 
in half, but both halves now had mouths and eyes. The prince only succeeded 
in increasing the number of the worms. As the prince retreated further 
and further into the recesses of darkness, he came again to the slimy 
centipedes with hundreds of large pincers like a crab. At his arrival, 
they began falling from the ceiling and the walls onto him. He picked 
one from his shoulder that had already engaged a few pincers into his 
fleshy upper arm. He was answered by the snapping pop of small twigs 
breaking. The pincers were still in his arm. He flung the slimy creature 
down at the advancing worms. The hissing became growling as the monsters
battled each other. The worms bit the centipede. The centipede snapped 
the worms with its pincers leaving little bits of worm flesh oozing with 
a stinky green liquid that burned the cave floor. The prince realized 
his great fortune, and began throwing the centipedes into the pile of 
worms. The worms were retreating. The hissing was now the great roar 
of tortured souls as the two groups of monsters attacked one another. 
As the worms disappeared, and the centipedes did likewise, the prince 
seized his opportunity and stepped quickly through the pile of oozing 
creature flesh. He ducked his head and began running toward the light. 
The worms did not follow. He came around the corner and almost ran into 
the great Pisces before he was able to stop himself.
	“Who goes there, and what is your intention?” The monster bellowed 
with a roar that shook the walls of the cave, and sent the other creatures 
running for cover. The prince stood his ground.
	“I am Prince Jackas from the land of King Jerkof. I have come to 
learn the secrets of the great waters. It is said that once every thousand 
years you will take an apprentice. I am he.” Answered the prince mustering 
all of his courage.
	“Come here then that I may transform you into my apprentice.” 
Came the bellow again. It was like a hot blast of sewage and disease 
that issued forth from the carp’s mouth. The stench was of rotted fish 
and wasted lives.
	“How can I know that touching you will not transform me into a 
serpent doomed to swim the waters for eternity?” The prince replied 
wanting to be sure that the monster was not trying to trick him.
	“Just come a little closer then that I may gaze upon thee for 
my eyes are very poor and I can see only a few feet.” The monster croaked.
	“Your arms are very long. How can I be sure that you will not 
try to touch me if I come closer?” The prince asked. The twelve arms 
of Pisces began wildly flailing about his walrus body.
	“No man can be an apprentice that has not trust. Come here now 
that we may finish this for I grow tired of thee.” The monster roared 
and clicked his short lobster legs to move closer, but it was only a 
few inches and the prince was not in danger. 
	“Finish this we will, but I have come for thy head. Lay it out 
in front of me and I will make it painless. Fight me and I shall cut 
off your twelve arms and beat you mercilessly with your own twelve 
fists.” The prince revealed the long sword that was hidden behind him. 
         Pisces began frantically thrusting arms and hands at the prince, 
but the prince was a skilled swordsman and soon dispatched all but one 
of the arms from the slimy walrus body. 
	“Shall I cut off your short lobster legs as well?” The prince 
asked mockingly. He had come close to making contact twice, but escaped 
the danger due to his expert reactions. Pisces, realizing he was outdone 
by a superior opponent of great courage and heart, relented to the prince.
	“Take my head if you will, but make me a promise first.” Pisces 
pleaded.
	“I may or may not. What is it that you request.” The prince 
answered with outstrecthed sword.
	“The keys to the great waters must never fall into the hands 
of evil for if they do the world will be destroyd by the anger of the 
gods. Defeat me, but find a worthy guard for the keys. If you will 
promise on your honor to do this than my head you shall have.” Pisces 
waited for the reply.
	“I shall do it. Now lay down thy head.” The prince answered 
after a moment’s hesitation. After he had decapitated the monster, 
he produced a large burlap bag from his tunic and carefully slid it 
around the head being sure not to touch it with his hands. The great 
head was as heavy as a large man, and the prince had to drag it back 
through the cave of darkness. The steep ascent took almost a full day 
although the prince was never attacked or threatened again by any of 
the cave creatures. 
	The prince returned to the palace by the same route he had come. 
At the first village he acquired two horses, one for the gigantic head 
and one for himself. His pace was slower than the first leg of his 
journey, but only two fortnights had elapsed and there was no person 
in any land that had hair that had grown more than an inch. When the 
prince finally returned to the palace the princess was both shocked 
and disappointed to see the giant burlap bag with the head of Pisces 
partially revealed. 
	“Shit!” she thought to herself. “Now I must task this thorn-in-my-side 
again or I will never retain the goblet.” Day and night she had worshipped 
the platinum goblet while the valiant prince rode about his task. With 
the prince’s return that would temporarily cease. In case of his 
return, the princess had already thought of the next task the prince 
would be forced to do. In fact, the princess had cleverly conceived 
three tasks that would thwart the prince’s love. The third task would 
seal the hapless prince’s fate for eternity. 
	“Very well my future love. You have succeeded only in the first 
task to prove your love. Completion of the second task will bring you 
closer still to your coveted prize. Listen carefully now to what must 
be done for their is greater danger in this than the first.” The princess 
then proceeded to explain to the prince exactly what would have to be 
done to complete the second task, but she little cared because in the 
back of her mind it was the third task that held the coup de grace. 
	The brave, courageous prince performed the second task which 
involved bringing to her the light of a distant star contained in a 
little box. The prince had spent three years in the quest for the 
light of a star and had encountered many dangers and perils along 
the way, but that is inconsequential compared to the monumentous 
challenge of the third task. When the prince returned with the light 
of a star in the small jeweled box the princess had given him to 
contain it, she immediately set about the description of the third task.
	“There are only three other people in the world who know of my 
secret. My father, Blahtilda my trusted servant, and a village youth 
who snuck into my secret bedroom one night. You must find this peasant 
and discover my secret for no one else will be able to tell you. Leave 
the kingdom immediately and do not return until you know of my secret.” 
The princess turned away from the prince and a sly smile crept across her 
face. The prince would never return. Should he find the youth and learn 
of the secret he would surely turn and run directly back to his kingdom 
without thought of the goblet or even the men that had once accompanied 
him on his journey. The secret of the princess was this: She had the 
gorgeous body of a female, but the genitals of a man. She was a 
hermaphrodite. Any prince learning of her secret would surely lose 
all desire for her. She could bare no children, and had only had 
sexual encounters with her ugly servant woman, Blahtilda. No man 
could satisfy her and no woman would desire her. The princess had 
resigned herself to a life of torture and pain.
	A few days later the prince returned. The princess was 
flabbergasted. What would this man want by returning to her palace? 
She could think only of the goblet which she had carried with her at 
all times.
	“You have found this youth? The princess asked puzzled by the 
prince’s return.
	“Yes.” He replied.
	“And you still return? Do you now desire me for your wife?” She asked 
again.
	“Yes.” The prince replied once more.
	“How is that now that my secret is revealed? I can never be a wife to you.”
	“I desire you ever the more my love.” The prince replied. Then the 
prince went on. “I also have a secret my love. You see the body of a 
strong warrior, handsome, courageous, muscular, but I was born without 
the genitals of a man, only the slit of a woman.” The prince and princess 
locked eyes. He grabbed her into his arms and she repsonded with the 
heated passion of long-repressed love. They married, and had sex 
continuously, but without the burden of bearing children for neither 
had seed nor sperm. As for the prince’s promise, Pisces has still not 
been replaced to this day.  The end.