Lew's Favorite Equipment - 2
Instead of writing an article about my favorite equipment, I
decided to write an article an do an interview with one of my
favorite people. He was born sometime back in the early 70s when
a couple of filthy hippies accidentally spilt grape flavored
fruit juice all over a kilogram of cocaine. The filthy hippies,
being extremely poor, addicted to the narcotic, an thirsty
decided to slurp up the juicy remains of the juice and found that
the beverage was quite satisfying. Aside from having their
powerful thirsts quenched, they experienced the greatest highs of
their disgusting lives. The birth of Kool Aid. During this
incredible high, which lasted 6 weeks, 22 hours, and 5 min, they
explored the possibilities of their new invention, believing that
they could make millions, selling it to adults as a dirty
inhalant, to their chagrin the product was enjoyed most by 8
years olds in beverage form. Something else amazing also happened
during this incredible high. Juandola, the Spanish exchange
student who spilt the grape juice, drew a smiley face in the fog
that had precipitated on the jug of grape cocaine death water.
Juandola named the face Cocaine Boy, hoping to target adults who
love cocaine. However, his named went through much evolution.
Everything from "Wacky Purple Face Dude Person," and
"Crack Addict Harry," to "Ass Face," and
"Jesus Christ," was explored. Anyway, as time passed
President Jimmy Carter named the jug face "KOOL AID
MAN" and the rest is history:
Lew: So, Kool Aid Man, can I call you Wacky Purple Face Dude
Person?
Kool Aid Man: No
Lew: What about Ass Face?
Kool Aid Man: No
Lew: How bout…
Kool Aid Man: No, please just call me by the name President
Carter gave me.
Lew: You bet. Anyway, Jesus Christ, have you enjoyed being the
spokesperson for a company that is responsible for the deaths of
countless children due to cocaine consumption?
Kool Aid Man: We, at Kool Aid Company, replaced the cocaine with
baby powder [with salt in Canada] back in the early 90s, so the
only deaths we are causing are those suffered by epilectic during
our flashy commercials with extensive subliminal propoganda.
Lew: I see. Shifting gears a little, does it piss you off when
little kids refer to Kool Aid as their colors not their flavors?
Like, the other day I was in Publix and a kid asked the lady
behind the register, "Where’s the yellow?" I
though she wanted a batch of yellow-5 to decrease her
boyfriend’s sperm count to use as a contraceptive.
Undoubtedly, she was refering to lemon flavored Kool Aid.
Kool Aid Man: To answer your question, I don’t really care
what the people are refering to the flavors as just as long as
the green keeps rolling in so I can buy my whores and my cocaine
[ Lets out a billowing laugh and shouts, "OH YEAH!"]
Lew: By green are you refering to the lime flavored Kool Aid?
Kool Aid Man: What?
Lew: never mind. Anyway, what do you think will happen with Y2K?
Kool Aid Man: isn’t that already over?
Lew: Maybe, I think I asked that question because I am high of
off your filthy fumes.
Kool Aid Man: [laughs] OH YEAH!!
After he yelled, "OH YEAH" that final time I passed out
and had the craziest dream of my life. It was about Unicorns and
the Kansas City Royals. Anyway, when I arose from my slumber I
noticed a Kool Aid Man-shaped hole busted through my wall and my
wallet was gone. Thanks Ass Face.