The SHITLIST Returns
#1 Hippies and their absurd names for their poor, “free thinking” children
Example: Naming your child after a flower, something mentioned in a weather forecast, or some obscure Greek god/goddess [don’t want to offend the lesbians, now do we?]
Escape Route:
Think of something clever to offset your damn travesty of an initial
parenting maneuver. Ex: Oak Delano.
It just fuckin’ works.
Advice:
Look, your kids deserve to make the decisions they should be allowed to
make. If they like football, shut
the fuck up. If they piss their pants, beat them as if they were an alien
that should have looked more like Marilyn Manson.
If they’re gay…then give them the computer.
Punishment: The fact that
you’ll have to work for “the man.” [Hesitates for Ben Folds references…]
Oh yeah, and being stapled to a tree.
Limey hippies.
#2…or perhaps #1b…Feminists that insist they aren’t lesbians
Example: A woman that likes dick yet thinks they can hold a job and compete with men. Oh yeah, either that or take advantage of our fucking abomination of a capitalistic system.
Escape Route: Admit that
you want that free meal. In fact,
you’ll be pissed at your boyfriend for not paying if he doesn’t.
Of course, at least that’s what you’ll tell your friends, even though
you really wish your boyfriend was simply the owner of a well-shaved vagina.
Advice:
Accept the facts of life. You’re
a lesbian. I think the least you can do is let me see you have sex with
your hot foreign exchange student gal friend.
I mean, I’m a pretty nice guy and all.
Punishment:
Broken hymen via penis, rather than stupid girl tongue.
[You and your stupid ass Chasing Amy.
Ok, I like it, but it makes me mad that you like it.]
Reason:
For destroying the free, tortured spirit of old James and replacing that
James with new James, a frightened, slightly more confident goon.
Escape Route: Say, “get
backy” to tobaccy.
Advice:
Being like everyone is only cool when everyone’s doing the Macarena.
Punishment:
The likely presence of myself for at least a few weeks of college.
Counter-Punishment:
The stealing of the few potential females I have by way of your being
sexier. [Damn you and your curly
hair]
#4 People who think that other people care that they like Nine Inch Nails, Tool, and Radiohead
Reason: Christ, you know,
you’re hearing the whiners of millionaires.
“If I want to hear a
homosexual whine to heavy bass, I’d watch gay porn.”- Kyle “Increasingly
Trendy” Bogart on Tool.
Escape Route:
Shut the fuck up and just enjoy the music.
Don’t make a god damn fashion statement about it.
Advice:
Wear thick black-rimmed glasses and sweaters.
That whole worshipping Maynard vibe could have come just as easily from
the overpriced coffee you’re drinking.
Punishment:
Permanent Russianization followed by personalized tumor-implant.
#5 Rufus Wainright
Reason: His music.
Escape Route: Maybe him
releasing a song called “I’m Ashamed to be Gay.”
Advice:
Die soon. After you alienate
your fan base so you fade easier.
Punishment:
Melodic deep-dicking by Thom York.
#6 People offended by my mockery of Rufus
Reason: They are stupid.
Escape Route:
Accept the fact that homosexuals should not get treatment that is any
worse than that they give to minorities whom they mistreat that are A. ACTUAL
minorities and B. Appear to be less of a sign of “being cultured” than
accepting those whom you secretly think are going to rot in hell, you painful
hypocrites.
Advice:
Gay or Straight, Rufus Wainright sucks dick.
Punishment: Meticulous
destruction of culprit’s genataila.
#7 People who Brake for Stupid Animals.
Reason: They are pathetic.
Escape Route: Using the
well thought out reason “I don’t want to fuck up my car.”
Because, otherwise, how do you know that furry little critter wouldn’t
look cuter mashed to the pavement? Awwww…
Advice:
If you want people to think that you aren’t girly, than don’t get
externally giddy about animals with bushy tales and shiny specks that you can
paste to the cover of your diary.
Punishment: Forced viewings of Dead Alive, followed by real-life gory death.