Cute New Material!

Hey, Dirty...Hands off my cheap food.
You know, I may not be like most people, but when I hear restaurants brag about "hand made" food, I don't exactly rush to that establishment.  Have you seen the types of shady fellows that are cooking your food?  If you said, "no", then that's probably a good thing.  Yeah, you're starting to think twice about how well they can pay their cooks if the whole meal only costs 5 dollars, eh?  Look, Poncho, It's great that you want to had roll my tamale, but the only way that's happening is if "hand-roll my tamale" is a cute euphemism for a handjob.  I see that places leave notes that say employees must wash hands, but I know that A) you can't read, and B) you're a anti-corporate non-conformist.  So slip on the gloves, and throw that frozen artery jamming shit in the microwave so I can get fatter.  What, do you think I come here expecting quality?  All I want is a meal that takes little work and doesn't end up with my spilling boiling water on my testicles.

Don't you realize I'm AVOIDING home cooking, dipshit?
Speaking of restaurants boasting about their style of cooking, what's this good 'ol fashioned home-cooking bullshit many of these overpriced restaurants are trying to pull on me?  Look, the last thing I want is something that reminds me of my mother's cooking...why am here paying you a tip in the first place?  When I think of home-cooking, I think of badly burnt, greasy pork, yelling and pain.  In fact, I plan on opening a sit-down eatery called Fetus McGrimley's.  This, of course, will be under my if I were a billionaire plan.  Much like crap machines like Applebee's has tag-lines like "Neighborhood Bar & Grill", McGrim's will just say Soul-less Corporate Processed Food with the possible second line that says that takes just like it would in our 35 other state-wide locations!  Ahhh, and it would be in that cute cursive writing that looks like it was written in lipstick.  That gets them ALL the time.

Move over, George, Abraham, and Thomas: Here's what really makes me think of Americana
When I think America, I don't think apple pie, xenophobia, or even internet porn.  No, rather, I think of the ultimate yankee-geared scheme: the rebate.  You ever see these?  $699 computer with $399 mail-back rebate!  Even a 400 clam rebate probably only gets sent back half the time.  If there was ever a sale that takes advantage of this television and fast food crazed society, it is the rebate.  Beautiful.